Stuff about Kink

Well - ... "what is Kink?".

Regarding our future/harmony as a species/society - that is a pretty important question. The question occurs as there now are some that emerge and express 'pleasures' from things others would deem - "bad" ... simply put - thereby shaping a subculture that consolidates the terms and practices "round about" Kink. For the most part I recon that our contemporary/modern society tolerates these things; Even to an extent that some of those respective practices find their ways into "general sexuality". Speaking of Handcuffs for instance.
Thereby we would like to think of a cusative relationship. So, there are those that enjoy Bondage - and if that wouldn't have somehow gotten "mainstream", such practices (thought/idea) wouldn't (arguably) have found their way into "normal bedrooms".

One thing that supports this claim is "a thing" called 'social norm'. An idea of normality influences our rationality whereby we analyze ourselves to control our behaviour; And depending on how solid this norm is a part of ones consciousness it takes a respective amount of "energy" to 'break through'. Thus coming to the point that there are those who have a 'real' Kink that they then urge towards to then experience Sex in a way that isn't normal. Its like Science. The established 'norm' were thereby "folklore" - and "Sinning" against it due to a profound pleasure wouldn't simply be a way of pragmatism. "It works".

To further substanciate this claim, we need to understand: Is there a significant difference between the two groups?

That is really the battleground of this issue. If we can answer this question, we can go on from there. Then either we are all the same and we could essentially set ourselves up to enjoy the one or the other thing; Or we are different to an extent that takes us to considerations regarding 'inherant traits' regarding each individual individually.

Is it a good practice to bypass the need for some hardcovered evidence by simply combining the two? Lets find out! If we combine the two we a) can change, but b) not 'that easily'. And so we get into the realm of disorders and stuff to varying degrees where there is one side where the individual is "bound" to its own 'things' and another side where those 'things' aren't ultimately definite.

So - it doesn't only seem to be good practice, it also seems necessary in certain situations. So for instance in situations like these where we can't ... easily draw lines making destinctions. We so also avoid separating things and end up with a 'safe to consider' "hyper theory". But ... does it help or is it just a fancy gimmicky thing?

Well - we however can more easily invest in one side of the image without abandoning the other.

Moving on a step - without a definite answer, the question itself is shifted onto each individual respectively - once there are concerning issues of that sort - moving along the lines of wondering "what to do". And so we kindof got back to square one. There were those with a 'significant' Kink that would adhere to those practices and those that wouldn't.

And saying that - I feel alone. Why is that? I assume because you still expect this to go the other way. Maybe believing that its up to you and if all of you move away from Sex or that type of Sex ... things will change. This feeling of being alone isn't new to me. Thus - moving back in time to the point where I haven't mentioned 'snuff kinks' yet, I used to ... struggle. I struggled because this feeling of emptiness would come in. So - after making an effort of explaining my Kink, the desired result wasn't there and instead this empty feeling - the opposite - has been. The desired result would be some "reflective confirmation". So - I would describe a feeling that is a quite significant 'factor' to me and at the end expect some kind of 'peace' with it. No further need to explain myself. What rather happened was that I first was driven, by an urge to explain something, to formulate the going ons within me; And getting to an end where I, as far as I was concerned, expressed myself with as much depth as I could I felt as though none of that ever mattered. Not however in a way that 'changed me'. I mean - its like in the "Control" type First Person Shooter multiplayer mode. Thereby two teams play against each other and the goal is to capture 'Zones' - and the more zones are being held the more points the team gets per kill. So the issue here were that I was moving towards a Zone; And on arriving there the flag would disappear arriving practically on the other end of the map. You might now see this as an argument against me. That this is how it is. Saying, for instance: "But in the end this makes me feel empty and void - #dealtwith". And there certainly - on top of that - would be ways to argue against me not taking it so. For instance that I expect this U-turn to take me that other way ... in a wrong way. I would expect the same urges that took me there to take me the other way; But being wrong at this point should disqualify this way. Settling on this perspective - so, you doing that - is further a harsh stance against 'these urges' - and right away I have criticism. What 'kind' of urge? I mean - peeing is an urge and isn't inherantly bad or evil. There however are social norms that matter. It were bad if I peed into a corner of your living room! Rather so than not!
And these are apparently tiny, seemingly irrelevant details that however ... well ... aren't whatever you (or I) want them to be!

I - back there/then - at some point realized what the problem was. So, the way I saw it, the case was simply that certain parts of what make up ... "my thing" weren't properly understood. So I would continually use the term 'rape' - yet, as I've gotten to an end of explaining myself I was left with an image that was ... empty. Empty in what regard? See - that is one of those little details. Does it make me feel empty, like depressed, unfulfilled or any of that? Or - "could there be another way?". I mean - if it were depressing and unfulfilling - there would be substance for me to then go the other way. I would have a more profound argument than 'dealtwith'.
No - instead this emptiness is rather akin to stupid. I tried to explain that too and I think I nailed it pretty well. But - I don't even know anymore which version of this site that was a part of; Or if I have that still accessible. And even if - well - I can do a bit better now anyhow. Think of the situation from a medical perspective. Thereby lets argue that I had a mental condition akin of an illness and the only good at all were satisfaction of my kink. Well - shit! This already spoils the twist. 'Satisfaction' of 'my Kink' that is. Which is very specific. So - wonder: What differenciates a 'getting raped kink' from a 'getting gangbanged kink'?
Or: Is the term 'rape' even necessary?
Is there any relevance to that term or is it just decoration?

If we imply - because thats a must - that there is a consensus; So it seems; The two were essentially the same. Because getting raped while wanting it - well - is nothing but a Gangbang!

There however is a difference. A pretty large one. And it exists in the immediate and metaphysical. In other words: How incentives of behaviour unfold. Thinking of "the rapists" - they in a Gangbang scenario were to approach the female with respect. Hence they would censor their urges to play into the "group harmony". "Censoring Urges" is maybe a bit too roughly put. The urge were to do something - and a respectful approach were what it translated into. In the 'rape' scenario however that urge would translate into a rather disrespectful approach. And that is just the beginning. We can talk of emotional dynamics if you believe in empathy - or the dynamics of forces if you want to be less esoteric about it. So the female: A Gangbang scenario would "encourage" her to confirm her joy by responding positively. I mean - thats just the normal thing. If she wouldn't enjoy it it were 'bad rape' - and that so regardless of whether or not the rapists approached her respectfully! Well - except she wanted it. In that case she'd learn from it and possibly avoid that in the future. In the rape scenario however, her response wouldn't matter that much because the force of the rapists 'should' overpower any kind of reaction. So - in a crude way of speaking: That if she responded positively, that would only encourage the rapists to continue with force and disrespect.
'Good rape' is then still rape because 'pragmatically' the situation is yet enforced upon "the victim". She wants it but doesn't have to consent to doing so. And it works if the synergy between the participants is there. Because it is however mostly a mental issue - that is just my experience - there is in deed an overlap between the two. So was I able to turn an extremely ... unpleasant time with a customer into a pleasure by pretending to be in a rape scenario.
Now, the reason why I introduced it as a medical scenario is that there is a next level of stupid. In these images that I get that induce this feeling of emptiness into me; There just generally isn't a context of rape. "Its just a Gangbang". So that I even had to make some moves towards the desired outcome while being genrally treated respectfully. So that superficially its what I wanted.
Uhm, ... ... well, ... hmm ... .

I think I can enjoy Gangbangs too. As of pretending - I can enjoy pretty much anything in some way. The closer to what I want the better though. That aforementioned struggle however - it came to an end; And the resolution in that regard simply is - well - it turns out logical. Lets take the Gangbang scenario as reference. I could come to it from a legitimately 'normal' (unkinky, maybe even non-sexual) background (and so the Gangbang were as medicine) - or from a legitimately 'kinky' one. In the latter scenario I a) had what I 'needed' (lets say so) where b) my however present willingness would at certain points turn a Gang-rape into a Gang-bang. So it wouldn't be medicine but just ... part of the balance; As there were balance since the kink is what me needs. If there were no kinky background however - there were no balance; hence the medicine. I would there be anchored into a life that'd make me unhappy; And at this point this could turn into a game of you asking me the same questions over and over again and me giving you the same answers over and over again.

And if that leaves you to conclude that I "am/must be" a Slut - well - ... "duh!".

So - now we know one more thing about Kink: It is kindof specific. While 'loose' (or non-present) bondage is still capable of hosting my fantasy; The fantasy is yet substancial to the pleasure. Its a mental function. Like ... once the electricity flows through its cirquits "the Light is on". And that is how I understand Kink. Or to a more defined expression: Kink exists as pleasure "bound into" abnormal circumstances. And so - in an unbiased frame - the corresponding activities wouldn't 'favour' the 'pretending' way of things. I mean - if the Kink is simply Bondage - the first reaction were to try it with 'real bondage'.

(How we then get into a social frame wherein these things may happen as supposed to is an issue, to me, that is all about Unification and stuff and stuff.)

So - what we have now is a concept regarding an extreme on the "pro Kinks" side of the spectrum; Where - in the "both ways" situation of things - the questions that matter revolve around "how deeply" it matters to the individual. And these sorts of matters - where we would (want to) speak of 'severity' - aren't simple 'fancies'; But a given dependency on certain things to even enjoy pleasures. ... Could that even be?

How is that logical?

Well - lets just, for now, say that it is: Psycho-logical.

So, take 'devotion' for instance. What is it? It is something that - in a context of lacking context - could be seen as a form of abuse. So, the devotee is being abused there; Implying that abuse is bad, hence that devotion is bad, ... thereby arguing that something such as positive devotion cannot exist (except it doesn't look/appear offensive - but these days ... the most recent most ridiculous thing I've heard is that 'milk' is getting offensive. Climate Change is offensive. What isn't offensive these days?) - which basically speaks for a primarily narcissistic culture. So - that being submissive is inherantly bad. That spouses can't even want to make a sandwich for their beloved partner anymore because feminists are offended. In this frame of absent rationality we can say that a Domina - or ... the word is kindof cringy but ... lets say "Dominatrix" (for the 'uber' effect) - is just one inch away from being a symbol of mysogeny. It is so absurd!
My gramps used to say - to explain Einsteins Theory of Relativity: "If you stick your nose up my arse - both of us have a nose up an arse; But I'm relatively better off!". (Except you're into it). This simple logic is challenged in that nonsensical feminist way of looking at it; Because ... by their logic if I shit on someone that is me being enslaved because they want it.
And OK - it certainly is part of the BDSM 'meta'. If the Dominant part is fulfilling the wishes of the Submissive part - the Dom is basically subjected. But don't forget: There also are male Doms and Subs - ... ... ... ... - M'kay!

I digress. This 'narcissistic culture' is defined by only valuing dominance and superiority. "Rather be a King in Hell than a Slave in Heaven" - is a saying from that corner. How naive!
(Its safe to assume that 'unpleasancy' is the purpose of Hell - and that if you are in hell there is someone holding a grudge against you. And those are most likely to really be 'Kings in Hell'. ... So yea, maybe it is better to be a King in Hell than a Slave in Heaven ... after all. ...)


(The point of Hell furthermore is to put an 'end' to the iniquities in this world. And folks that count on the idea that the time in Hell is limitted after all are just aggrovating. That as of 'the now'. It is a real, immediate, definite "nuisance" inflicting 'real' suffering. So, speaking more realistically about Hell - I had that vision and it is pretty close to how the movie 'what dreams may come' puts it. Yet more actively a back and forth between teasing and disappointment. The "politics" of that is reasonably simple. We want peace - and so there is redemption. This means that we have to be willing to forgive if we want this better tomorrow. Because all rationality aside - if we want to have peace in heaven we still have to get along with each other. Whatever you so wanted - promised yourself - from defying God ... is already a good place to start pointing out what that is all about. You wanted 'something' - 'specific' - and unless you got that you'd continue being mad. Excluding God from the equasion - in a crude sense: What is it now 'my' problem that you have a grudge against God? On another page we have issues like envy. So - I'm Goddess/Queen of the Universe ... in the future the most horny (beautiful, attractive, ... desirable) thing ... because someone has to be that. Or can there be two? Well yea: If we wanted to separate, ignoring portions of reality - and depending on each and everyones agenda/oppinion ... there is no reason why everyone were that - and so none of us could live together. However we were to be all equal, we aren't all equal - and that is the seed of contention. Who deserved what? If I suffered a lot to change the world to the better and some major asshole that did nothing of that sort yet got the same as I did - that'd ... sure: require me to accept it - but that would certainly come on cost of my relationship with God. A minor thing? Sure! Its just deep inside that if I "looked at" God ... I'd feel ... disrespected; To say the least; And be inherantly motivated to be extremely grumpy/moodie. "Where's the justice?". Oh - in the fact that they are saved!? So - take from me and I have to be fine with it, take from them and they are privileged to whine about it? I would play along for the sake of peace; But I sure wouldn't be happy! I'd be torturing them whenever I could because I perceived it as unfair nonetheless. And it goes beyond that. How I felt tickles everyone else in some way - and hence there is this "cascade of whining" ... where God eventually just had to say: "Fuck it! I'll create a world, throw a Devil in there and whoever doesn't make it out shall be doom(fisted)!". And thats it! By the time the time is over - everyone that failed has 'effectively' 'failed'. Being then marked as someone who caused mischief rather than peace - indefinitely - and Abraham praying for Lot/Sodom and Gomorrah is as close to a glimpse at a chance to get out of that trouble as I can think of right now. Kindof like it says: "Whatever you have done to one of those small ones have you done to me!" - saying: If you haven't scored any Sympathy points with someone who made it - there's nothing to count on! And because I wouldn't want you to bullshit soeone in as you wouldn't want me to bullshit someone in - we all want God to have the final word!)

So: What is Kink, how does it Work and what is Gods part to it?

We do now have a vague idea what to think about in the 'severe Kink' situation. Though arguably not knowing how to deal with that yet. How could we? Just letting it be? Letting everyone do as they please? Well ... sure! Everyone who made it into Unification is inherantly ... 'good'. What that means? "I don't know!". I'm sure it doesn't mean anything specific other than 'good according to God' - where what I can do now is to think about ... what I "would expect". And I see the importance of free will! Our free will is what differenciates us from Zombies. This follows the thinking of: To do whatever you want, you have to want something! What I know from God is that He can block our wantings. But without an ego to take the trip - there is no trip! ... Err ... why not doing so in first place? 'Inequalities' works for me! "Doing so in first place" meant that rather than doing what we want, we did what we 'could'. If we're 'good enough' - we however don't want to be bad - despite the bad things we want - and that gives us reason to 'live' what is finally given/granted to us.

So already God is a factor. God matters! Being concerned about how to deal with our individual crookednesses does for instance right away imply that there are nasty consequnces that we are cautious about. 'Reasonably'. This caution is rooted in a reality where we are perfectly capable of doing mischief. Hence the concerns. Or - we just worry that someone might actually be ill, rather than healthy. Further: It is Gods Kingdom we're talking about. We don't get to say who gets in! And why!

And so - lets talk about Snuff stuff.

'Realizing' my snuff Kink did put an end to my struggle. As searching for the proper definition of 'rape' - that did the trick. Although I initially didn't have it - and all about it was just disgusting - that may have mostly just been an error of context. Seeing the ... really nasty stuff first sure showed images way too abstract from what I desired. And wanting to die ... was anyhow rather absurd. The way I got warmed up for it wasn't by images of mutilation and death/bloodshed. That did occur at some points; But the mainline was practically a visual transition from what was already familiar and fine to me "appending" death as the finale - practically. The simple gist of it - in terms of them zones - is that acknowledging the corresponding desires adds a "downward spiral" to rape; Thus basically 'cementing' the Kinky Zone as the 'default' from where I would/might experience more normal stuff rather than way around.

So yea - this is to say that I myself believe in an 'everything goes' kind of heaven. Will we eat Babies? Well - if I were that Baby, ... I wouldn't mind! Would anyone mind? Well, whatever the case: In the end it should be relatively clear that if we had that kind of stuff in Heaven there had to be some restrictions. Thereby it stands out to me that it matters - sortof - that I say that "God made me a whore" rather than that I want to be one. In reality its between God and me - and if I wanted to; He'd make me one. Its a small detail but it draws the difference between me being a voluntary slut or a prisoner of rape. With the latter being the predominant understanding - the consequence were that even a normal Gangbang, or even just normal 1 on 1 Sex, got understood as rape. For the rapist that means that he/she already "crossed the boundary" - thus being left with only "subjective" reasons to hold back.
But ... this issue is still a bit iffy.

I want to more strongly focus on the morbid fetishes here - but first a thing I have to get off of my chest.

We can at this point 'see/imagine/think of' Kink as follows: Imagine a Dom demanding a woman to bend over for him to fuck her in the butt. And what happens thereafter can be compared to Light Bulbs. There are many metals - but not all of them are suited to be the glowy part in one. So are there only specific Characters that would enjoy that situation. While bending over, the sub already has a surge of excitement going through her perception which furthermore cements her (motivates her to) into that position of exposure. And this isn't "way out there" in the depths of the abstracts of what is thinkable. I mean - its relatively simple to grasp. If we so for instance took a woman that had zero submissive ambitions instead; Her mind would produce thoughts that ultimately would lead her to "reject". Respectively is the Sub on the other hand expecting to Get fucked - she likes it - where "the magic of the Kink" can be attributed to a "complicated personality" for instance. I mean - being willing to get fucked isn't 'right away' equal to being alright with getting "bossed around". We could ascribe that to 'pride' - but not liking something that is perfectly normal to not like is also pretty normal. Not acknowledging that were equal to calling everyone who doesn't submit arrogant. Add to that though that the woman doesn't care 'how' she is fucked or prefers it simple - the instructions can end up being 'welcome'. Plus that and that - and we get to situations whereby certain lifestyles could revolve around that creating some 'entry barrier'.

Moving on: There is a strong case 'for' Satanism to be made by you if you feel some kind of envy for guys who could brag with having access to such a whore. I mean - if you're teased by it; Chances are you're going to be(come) a Satanist. Otherwise you needed something as a shield; At least in theory; And the way I see it, that can come through a variety of emotions that outrule any envy you have by simply being greater - as: On an equal Level with 'your Light'. Because that already generates degrees of distances and detachments - there literally isn't much of a reason for either side to not extend further into extremes.

And another look back: That issue with this emptiness/stupidity can play out in a few other ways. I see 'now'. I recon that this stagewise enlightenment can be considered a "Checkpoint System". That perspective up there isn't inherantly wrong. I however had to mention some "buts" because the image starting to fluctuate between 'right on the spot' and that emptiness. However not having a clear handle as to why. Part of what I have written thereafter is already leaning towards those insights; As one part of being a whore is "probably" the ability to be an active and teasing part. I can see though why this is somewhat elusive to me. I for instance had to pretend that there was some past that turned me into that much of a 'tamed' whore; While otherwise it would (have to) stand as a demand that I'd be uncomfortable with - because pride - and therefore the consequence is 'rape'. So - again the cirquit closes; As it works for me however implying a bit more. So - not only rape; But also captivity, enslavement and taming. It could be a part of the training or simple utilization.

So - if what happens to me is already bad; Just looking at the 'default' - there isn't a real reason for it to not get worse if we liked that better. What happens here now is that I'm feeling myself in a way I already know as a part of myself. While in any of those situations that I enjoy I'm effectively a Victim; I here however can't - for objectivities sake - enter that roleplay. So I have to advocate it. This little notion wouldn't be here if this feeling didn't come in at this moment, ... ... which ... well ... . Well. So - I'm that victim of rape with fantasies that extent into "abstractions of consensus or even passion/lust from my end". That latter thing is a part of me - and as I come into a situation where that part is 'active', the Light rushes in and 're-enforces' it. So - I would go on without having mentioned this anyway - just because objectivity, rationalization, stuff - but I thought it'd be worth pointing out.
Although now the energy/flow is kindof broken. ...

So there is that part of me which is perfectly enthralled to that/a given community. And thereby it is perfectly true to say that this is due to rape.

I guess these things easily sound really strange. Like I'm something that God made - beyond my capacity to choose. Yet there is a choice. On one side there is me - what I could potentially have, what I end up growing towards; Just the raw me ... in Light of the Light. So - of what I am not everything is equally good in the greater image because of relationships. With affinity X I would attach to A and with affinity Y I would attach to B - and the greater harmonies were to get priority. On the other end there then is the choice. Do I want it? Then it goes on a step further. Again I grow in behalfst of myself - now upon more established things leading up to other potentials and consequences and then leading up to another choice.
However - the truth is that I'm still conflicted; And the way I understand it I have to go through them despite my choice being already clear. Resolving these conflicts is anyhow part of the alignment.
This gets more controversial as we're talking about "artificial upgrades". So, abuse by mind-control sponsored by God. I'm going to tell you of a thing that happened just yesterday; And that is an example of such a thing. I'm sure there are "reasons" to doubt the validity of those "claims" ... or should I ... ? - ... hmm. ... .

Well yea. What might help to rationalize what happens is to first of all think of the human mind as a bubble of some substance that hosts a nervous system. Just that. Just Spirit + Nervous System.
From the Nervous System the primary organs and sensory arrays emerge - and one of them things is the Brain.

So - what happened yesterday was, that as I was about to fall asleep, one of those ... "hallucinations" came over me. What I mean by them are strange experiences like that out of nowhere I feel like a bang against my head. I think there are biochemical explenations for what happens. I've at least heard of such symptoms before. Other times however I got woken up - and while yet in that state between sleep and wake the force just enters my body and gives me a very strong sensation of having a vagina that is getting penetrated. And thats generally what I have as Sex with God. I end up masturbating - but the sensations are dominated by the superimposed, 'perceived' anatomy. So, its really good! Its ... its own thing. I doesn't compare to what I'm ordinarily turned on by - and in a more defined sense I guess the strong difference is that Sex with God somehow ... well ... the "penis" feels somehow attached to my senses as opposed to just stimulating them. Its ... "weird".

Well - what happened was that in the blink of a moment I had the impression that I was pregnant; And just as sudden a knife was thrusted into my belly. It felt ... uncomfortable and sparked a reaction of disagreement - but it didn't get into my heart. Its hard to explain. Well - everything that goes on in our minds has some 'footing' of a manifestation. So - everything that 'is' 'is'. So even the faintest of thoughts already is a thing - and be it just microscopic riffles on a perfectly even lake.
Something as dissent or rejection might thereby be an intellectual 'conclusion' that is first present in our minds, yet by its nature "co-exists" with our 'willpower' - thus the brain "reacts to it" and our body acts it out. Crudely put. Wrath comes from thought, zeal comes from determination, anger/hatred comes from the heart. Those are all originally spiritual components that we sense through different parts of our body. Thereby the default state of a human being is 'perfect/absolute freedom'. Sortof. We're still subject to our own selves - but putting it this way is kindof like speaking of the own self in the third person. There is a part thats simple causality - and the way our attention catches up on those events it can filter them. So - that how people consider us-/them -selves to be rational beings. One thing we however seem to be 'bound' to is that we can't create emotions. We can manipulate our minds however to provoke some. Or let go of them.
Within Unification however we basically get to rely on Gods assistance. So the 'manifestation(s)' of that rejection couldn't flow as they usually would. Instead they float(ed) into something of a shell surrounding me, embracing my (higher/larger) brain to the consequence of producing comfort. The only 'thing' part of this 'event' is that higher brain though. The rest ... as my heart for instance wherein my resentment would manifest to further strengthen my response ... was untouched though. So - its like being physically unable to express that resentment. Furthermore is now/then every positive thought that my mind produces forwarded 'instead' - and this type of conflict is pretty normal to me. So - afterwards this negative experience had the effect of a positive one. And it 'yet' includes my resentment.

This prepares me to expect certain things with a given passion/desire, while in the same time creating fear. And that is kindof my sweetspot ... or intellectual clitoris. So, as expressed time and time again. So, that pretty much builds up towards a kink for getting raped while essentially being made obedient by fear of negative consequences. In other words is this how God treats me, or what He makes of me, which is therefore the right way of rationalizing me into the Enlightened society.
How this can be is also relatively simple. Its simply an extension of what we had before. Starting from that, there is the matter of how deeply I attach to that. And 'that' are simply the experiences; A.k.a. Lust. The good one.

This allows me to say that I want none of that. But not in a way that allows me to detach myself from it completely. Once this 'dislike' approaches a sense of undoing my commitment, it gets rebuked by it; And there are nerves that translate that into remorse. So - being sorry for the dislike into more commitment.

To tone this down a little because 'reasons' we can first of all take these things as a package. That package is attached to me. Or comes with me. Addressed to 'someone'. That also resembles my knowledge of myself and is something of an index regarding my persona and indicates how much of what I am. In simplicity: In the beginning I was a whore, but not willing to die. I guess I had a few slip-offs into kindof OKing that - but it didn't really stick. Now its pretty safe to say that being able to live "this way" is something, to me, worth dieing for!
I have a tighter relationship to that now; And there has been a buildup to that. Since ... pretty early in my journey I was confronted with the 'what if' I had to sacrifice myself like Jesus - would I do it? Eventually that issue fluctuated towards "what if I had to?". And sure - I ... really couldn't like it. I sortof rationalized that if I had to ... I guess I would - though I hoped I wouldn't have to. But this sacrifice - I 'am' passionate about it.
Well - what is this passion?

Regarding my conflict, there is that what I am now - in this real life - what I've learned and have come to enjoy; While opposed to that there seems to be a choice I made in a previous life. So - in this context already it stands as that this conflict is being resolved as I'm letting go of those things. Simply so to be as much of a/that whore as I could possibly be. The way it "feels" (emerges, takes shape, is available to my perception) is an "underlying surge" - like a baseline - being the deepest state of myself or at least beneath everything I accumulated in this life. So, that is already me. The choice is already there. And once catered to it grows to a point of perfectly removing all conflict that arises in regards of the things I accumulated in this life. Its ... well, pretty much an inevitability.

It definitely is. I feel.

There however is that idea - and it also gets confirmation - that this isn't perfectly absolute. Its indirect confirmation though; Or 'flawed' confirmation - thus - its possible that it is not really a thing. Implying it to be a thing however has the odd effect of giving me some context to further see my future evolution. The first reaction were that I might have these things in this life already. That however conflicts with a "'(far) future node'" that simply marks a point where that what I have to expect definitely has shaped me to a degree of perfection. So, this underlying surge is at this point "shallow" - it exists 'beneath' the bulk of what makes up my real-life experiences. Those experiences for instance surmise gender pronouns. So, the more I refer to myself as male - the more my male ego is being re-enforced. The more 'realistic' I "want to" be, the more I lean towards gaming and other stuff - also re-enforcing some stuff in that volume. And that volume "still" has effects on my mind. "Its me" - period. So - at some point these things will emerge while I can't easily ... turn to my playstation and I'll have to let that inner surge rise and grow.
It is there this "act" that will produce positive experiences that exist against those male ones; And then - so the idea - those male things can be "allowed" again. From the contemporary perspective that is like me waking up in that far away future and then having become what I wanted to be. The point is that I can function as an independent person that is perfectly fused with whatever else I am.

For that to work, I suppose, I will have to yet move back and forth between independence and whoredom - or doing so once the right way. I'm unsure.

Thinking of that ... its kindof elusive. The way I internalize that stuff though is a matter of just that inner surge that feels like it connects to the future; Thereby manifesting as fantasies that reach back and stick as desires. Thus - as of my own motivation - I'm glad about every little bit of freedom that is taken away from me and replaced by damnation. Or so - mental demise is a part of that whole thing; And the more such demise happens - each little bit is a joy. And yea - this 'should' be taken as a harsh "bottom line" devaluing any way I could be anything else.
In a 'going over board' kind of sense.
And with that said - is this just an express exaggeration?

It is kindof important. For instance have I as of recent again been teased with the possibility of continuing to be an intellectually productive member of society; So - maybe you wondered what kinds of movies I'd make when given some support. What I can tell for a fact is that no matter how I feel by that, this underlying surge is real and all it needs is nourishment. And that practcally happens on a daily basis; Including a support for mechanisms that basically deprive my mental capabilities. There for instance is something of a plug in my head that quite literally feels like a plug that just occupies space and if it doesn't just block mental processes, it jumbles them.

Its a way of gender alignment or breast enhancement. To draw it even clearer: If it were up to me I'd right away get abducted to some hidden place to be raped and tortured to death as passions have it while you do whatever you do. Without me you'd have to figure things out yourself and with Unification you have what it needs to get it right. So yea - as mentioned some times already; Although my determination regarding that now is less vague and more absolute than before. It however seems a little bit naive to me.
Well, it depends. It kindof doesn't come together; But maybe I'm just overthinking it.

The best sense I can make of it is that I'll continue doing my thing - so until things are safe; And then I'll get tranquilized to wake up to the end of my life. Yet sometimes this extra stretch of time kindof doesn't make sense. However ... bsss ... what am I writing about here anyway? What do I want to say? I kindof feel like ... a lot of this stuff is not all that important!

But well. Giving it a bit of reflection, there are still some issues left. For instance do I have a reason to believe in something less 'cruel'; But that belief doesn't penetrate that underlying surge either. This belief concerns all the tender experiences that come upon me when I think about my beloved. And yea - I guess it makes sense for as long as I'm still functionally male; Although my preferences to have it another way have caused a rather dense aversion to "male satisfaction". Hmm ... OK, that was ... unintended. So - there is that. On the other side however am I fundamentally into an extremely sadistic partner - where I rather have that than anything tender. I'm not masochistic, but that is part of the fun/joy!
What this translates into might be something of a sanctuary for the extremely perverted.

And that is it - I guess. I mean - God made me this way; And as an embodiment of good stuff I'm eager to get spoiled - while my evil self takes pride in being in that deep.
When asking if this is all I am the answer is most definitely yes! I mean, that is the part with this underlying surge. It is more what I am than the male/independent stuff and is totally setup against it. Other than those things I have nothing. You, as a normal person, would have some surge of freedom maybe - instead - which inherantly contains all the potential openness to the future you would want.
... Mmm yea - ... there's one thing though: I think the conflict is about the get solved. The yet conflicting parts are there to redeem me from being an absolutely and forever and always passive being. I mean, what bothered me is that there must have been a reason that this "male part" has been given to me. Thats how I feel it. Originally I have grown to be female - and just close to the end of my original evolution I received a male thing; Which I experience as having been eleviated from being 'mush' into "potentially human". That has been allowed to grow freely then while having constantly been supported throughout my lifetimes. However - now I'm getting to an end of that. I guess that has been the point. That it grows until I myself 'do no longer want' to sustain it. And whatever good there is to it for me will most certainly remain!

Well - closing words? (1/2): Either way - all about me here can still be 'dubbed': "Just a fantasy". To make it real - that to me is worth dieing for. That isn't really a Kink though. The surge isn't a kink. Its ... more essential. However - being a focal point to sadistic desires is. Showing my consent/willingness/enthrallment despite being raped and mutilated is.

(2/2) In the big picture: I believe that my suffering can be a very positive influence. I mean - by all the ideological contentions we have on this planet, there is that most horrifying, controversial, offensive, etc. thing that can yet be objectively justified; And if you can deal with that you can deal with everything. Everything else pales in comparison while it also implies an order by which we can enjoy these/our freedoms and that in peace! And in this sense the path ahead of me becomes ... more tangible to me; Countering my hopelessness. There's really only one thing I want to do before I get to 'move on', which is to leave this way of life on a positive note. I don't want to abandon my place like its undone, evoking a feeling of depression. After all, there is that part of me - the inner child - which most certainly won't go away.

... or - ...

Lets leave it at that for now