Sexually Offensive

high: A few thoughts up front

I think by now I don't really need to explain a lot anymore. I haven't consumed any weed so far, I'm still clear; And still I'm eager to however get back "down there" - explaining parts of myself and ... going on as usual. And thats odd - gives me a vibe of ... getting played. But I cannot take this stance. I can't accept it! And for the most part I don't have to explain. And the rest, well - thats that same 'ol dirthole.

But already I'm missing my cue here. You might notice that I miss out on finishing my trails of thought sometimes. In this sense - well - I'm pretty much a mess at this point in my life. I come to believe that all the good advises about having regular bed-times, cleaning up, ... all that ..., all things that basically have no room in my life, are really good advises. From the other side though. I've spent in about a minute to clean up some mess and for some reason I'm feeling better already.
Something that regularly screws me over is that I don't maintain a straight line. The moment I say "A" I already have to oppose myself and then I have to oppose that and along those lines I get to yet another interesting perspective that I of course got to share ... . Well, but do I have to change that?
Well - I think that progress is always a good thing. But I've at this point pretty much accepted the idea that for once its good as I so cover a lot of ground in reasonably short time - but it sucks ... kindof; ... .
I mean - all I want to say with this is that possibly some things will (have to) change as things get to the next Level for me - ... or maybe once ... ... eventually I'll get a recreational holliday with medical checkups and what not greenlit (yea, our social security actually provides for that) and maybe thats gonna help as well. And so, for the time being, I can very well leave things in the future for a change.

[1 hit from the bong] :D - peace! Yea - whatever. I don't really feel sexually loaded right now. Anyway - its bollocks. Its weird that the things I believe in the most are also the things screwed up the most. Is it an offensive act? Or is it just my inner drive? It might just be the hand of God dragging me into different perspectives; ... - but why is it then always the same stupid idea? Oh, this particual thing hasn't been touched on yet. And yea, I almost forgot - or abandoned a thought as I couldn't properly articulate it. I believe one of the main reasons why I keep on writing over and over again about possibly ever the same things ... no. That would be to sharpen my understanding. That is a plain simple take on it. But no. I'm ... having the understanding of a given chaos that emerges due to your individual absences of knowledge and a given lack of certain wirings. No offense. And here's why I have to smoke weed: When sober, this very same of thought would kindof get 'repelled' by the understanding that I already wrote about 'it' - though what exactly I wrote in this case is basically that piece on the prayer for awareness. So, that case, or anything about wisdom, making christ your teacher, that stuff, 'solves' all the problems. The effect is essentially that all darkness and chaos magically transforms into light. That is basically 'your' potential in action. Ultimately you only have to figure out a few basic things about reality and woosh - whatever! Fuck the details! And yet, weed is why we're 'here' - at this exact point; That much is certain; And along with the weed - this one is still really wet - comes the chill. While sometimes I would compare it to a warp drive (that might be bad dope though) - other times its more like a sink. It can be like a warp or hyperdrive, considering that ... I coin a theory: When starting to consume it at the right age - you get to a reboot of life, sotospeak. This based on the premise (VSauce: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,...) of our Logarithmic consciousness; In regards to our childhood being full of new impressions that we first need to get used to. Weed does the same - and when taken at younger ages the "growth to ripeness" might a) take longer or b) get spoiled. Marijuana has the effect that thoughts basically become softer. So, when an individual doesn't have 'strong' mental connections and other cognitive bonds are getting formed, delusions take shape. In that case ... perhaps the only thing that helps is full on hardcore. Speaking: 4 Moses 6. And then nothing but Bible, Scriptures and Religion.
It feels strange ... now that the Mysteries of the Bible can be unlocked by just anybody. And so yes - the purpose of the mission is to end.
Moving on: And also on the cognitive spectrum. Think about it so: God is there, behind it all - in front of you as behind you - inside of you even, within and beyond each and every facette of your wholesomeness. Here its quite accurate to think of ourselves as merely inert spheres on a pool table. Think of that as some alternate dimension - where all the chaos in this world doesn't 'count' - as that level of our existence is so deep that it barely correlates to that outside. We might even speak of billard balls (billards?) - though I'm thinking about layers upon layers of fibres - our consciousness - that processes, refracts, alters, adjusts, ... etc.. Anyway is there Gods ability to abstract things - where, ... lets argue that the future is predetermined. Lets say that God can perfectly foresee everything that will be if He does absolutely nothing. Would the result be a consequence of 'our' free will? Or would it be so that if we had free will, God couldn't foresee everything perfectly? To answer that question we have to understand how our will functions. Is it purely irratic? Or is there a certain principle of causality to it? Its probably both the case - such as, if you're committed to something, truely committed, you're gonna go through with it. I mean, that we are to some extent foreseeable is obvious to at least the one or the other. But anyhow. To further this topic, we need to speak of our means of evolution. At the very least does this Universe we exist in meet my requirements for setting up a 'no God zone' sotospeak, wherein everything behaves according to its purpose while everything is somehow kept in constant motion - two things that are kindof essential to remove God from the equasion. And so we get to the Biblical "and God repented". And various other statements in the Bible, such as comparing His own efforts to gathering chicken that are constantly on the escape. But yea, why does He not do more?

Well, think! After Adam and Eve got kicked out of Eden - there was an Angel with a flaming sword guarding the entrance. That would convince a scientist ... I'm kindof sure about that. Or no ... actually ... it might still be Aliens.
Anyhow. Then there came the Angels that sided with Satan, who dwelled amongst us - ... which is ... the other end of the story. It sounds horrible at first - but what power did he have? Ever? He talked Eve into doing it. The ones now would hope for redemption - and others - they would ... well, practically kindof just deal with it another way.
In between Light and Dark there is that grey area - different ways of dealing with it. On the dark side I see people that see the road to hell as paved and are somewhat eager to end up there; While so doing what they therefore and/or thereto do. On the Light side there are those who aspired for redemption - where we can separate between progressives and conservatives. Conservatives would seek wisdom in re-uniting with God aspiring for a Life in Eden, as to be blinded again - not knowing of Good and Evil. Progressives would try to understand God to the point of offering us this "chance" to begin with and questions alike - hinting at 'redemption by Gnosis' as opposed to 'redemption by Oblivion'. The idea of re-uniting with God, maybe, on a base of Good deeds. Some might be less optimistic, but still closer to the Light than to the Dark. And it makes sense. Satan were a tool to 'control' us - removing variables from the equasion.
And in the days today - we kindof see ... what we/our ancestors have seeded. Or, where we get to the point ... well, where the balance between good and evil 'has to' break. I mean, take a look at that: For centuries we have grown up in groupings vastly isolated from each other, as vastly also by language. Hereby a balance between Good and Evil is spaced out for once within the confusion and secondly through geology. Yet as we grow together, necessarily there comes a struggle for world dominance. And for this I suggest an Alliance. An Alliance of Peace. To say first of all - every Government that sides with me doesn't want to enter war and agrees not to enter war - but not to say you should drop your guard. Rather - I'd give each of those Nations as effective immediately probational diplomacy status counted as ally, wherein all my allies are also allies to each other. The top military officers will rank around me - where those that get in ... are finally part of the new world. Uhm, therefore embassadors will have to get in - and take that "innage" back to their home. This is towards a 'cleansing' of the 'power apparatus' sotospeak. Lets hope for the best! Uhm, I digress.
Yet, whats the morale of the story? Bong #2: Back to where we was actually.

So ... God is behind everything - and we are not here without a word from God on the matter. And so there is wisdom like: As higher as the skies are to the earth, so much higher are Gods ways to ours. And all I'm actually want to say is that also our Thoughts end up being as Billards to God. So, once a few things are in place, God only needs to do 'snap' and one final insight triggers a reaction that may give us the impression of entering hyperspeed.
Yet there are things that work against it - some are rather philosophical and others are more serious. Like, if we want to live 'free' 'and' in 'peace' - there are certain qualities we have to adapt. And as various struggles in this world go ... the one 'who says' ... arguing which way is the best ... to me is my choice. I might nominate myself ... but as you may have discovered - or will - well yea, in first place the obvious way to put it is to say 'God'. So its 'us' as 'within us' - individually - and thats the next step. This is where we individually connect with God - who is true and just in all circumstances. He understands our situation, but to really make it 'up there' - we need to do a few things. To ourselves individually. Like - we live in a world where people don't believe that God exists - and this isn't talking about a pseudo God who is being discredited - its talking about 'nothing' that would suggest that there is such a thing even remotely close to being even just vaguely "a God". To say: The whole Adam and Eve story - "fairy tale". To say: Its in our heads. Yet there is that concept of Good and Evil. It has been around - perpetuated in many ways - as merely the concept, objectively speaking, of good deeds versus bad deeds in recognition of an afterlife. Be it rebirth or "heaven" - at this point that doesn't matter as the mere existence of God and as of that the basic concept of 'the divine' (to begin with, "duh") is the more important issue. So, its not that which has been that matters - but the future. So, if then the goal becomes to get in to then learn what best to do, well, all we do is take things as they are. There is no way around that. And the next part is that one point of the Bible is that this world will not exist forever - kindof. I remember it being somewhat ambigous though, thinking more of a transformation. But either way - it ends ... that is the good news, basically - if you happen to stand on the right side. "Big 'if'!"? That again is one of those pitfals - to say, its in your head! Rather make sense of it - what the basic solution to this riddle is - and then look around you, where you'll find the reality wherein this conclusion has to unfold. It has to unfold somewhere. Somewhen. At some point it has to happen - and that is basically all that matters.

But back to the beginning of this. With weed now I can more freely access my thoughts, in a sense. While sobriety so took me to those initial thoughts, ..., ..., and so I mentioned some chaos, which transformed. Yet I think that in part that would be due to me - indirectly speaking - while what matters to me individually is now I think there to provide you with ammunition, sotospeak. Case and point:

First you understand God - Then you understand Gods will!

Thats some epic loot! #thelastword



On the other end, ... I don't know what to do with myself. I keep loosing weight, thats what people tell me - and probably I myself can't see it. I can understand it though, as I haven't really eaten a lot as of recent. Its enough to stay alive at least! ^^ ... -.- ... well. But I'm also more and more ... "repulsed" by myself. I mean - if I want to think of a future, well, like in terms of a career, I should first get my gender issues cleared out; Rather than heading into it and being miserable until I get it sorted out - while having to deal with an additional stress of "approval whoring". I mean, thats the thing. I ... its one of my earliest issues/gripes.

I promised though not to reveal stories that happened "up there" during my time as an escort - and I guess I've overstepped my boundaries far enough. But, well, from an educational standpoint I kindof came in as a naive Christian; And came out as a confessing whore. But that mostly just in my head, hiding behind that Christian. So, I met a bunch of pleasant people, got acquainted with Linux, learned a bit about how good life can be, learned a bit about how cruel it can be, learned about myself, learned World of Warcraft, Starcraft 2 and Street Fighter 4, I mean ... 'had access to the internet' ... and got familiar with the gaming community. And as that basically a part of it. As one guy that occasionally dropped a comment and OMG once got a reply from Jesse Cox, being however else my own screwed up self. I think there is something about online identity that ... streamlines ones ego into a given role. Its like ... the easiest 'act' to maintain - its only 'one' presence, frozen in time, rather than a constant hustle.

And so I also thought a lot about what to expect from a gender alignment. Hearing various stories, reading various material. #Bong ... err ... . And somehow ... whatever woke up inside me couldn't truely connect to my outer self. Then also some hope held me back. If we discount for God we might say I was in denial.

My chest hurts, my head ... kindof goes on a strike while I otherwise rape it through the day. I don't find a clear place to start - and fundamentally my habits are to be blamed for that. Perhaps denial. An inward repulsion maybe, unto order and ... modesty(?) - ... obedience(?) ... - . Otherwise though, I simply put my fate into Gods hands ... and the outcome? One as foretold ... . Maybe I was once blinded by myself - and I yet had to come to a full understanding of how miserable I actually am. ... but well, most of the time things are just fine!

Its the long term perspective that I'm concerned about. And here - I ... I think my biggest gripe is that I cannot really intimately connect to this world, in a female shape. I mean - I don't feel like ... hmm. I come to recall nightmares ... really "ancient" memories. Claustrophobic images, connected to dieing. I don't know whom I'd expect to meet out there, as a tranny - thinking about what I'm actually looking for. So, basically a woman whom I can trust to take me down that road. Or something ... I don't know ... while at this point - I don't think I have any ... well, ... sane reasons to being female.
But eventually ... its only a matter of time.

I wouldn't do it due to my sex-drive, ... .

Another part that disturbed me was the idea that essentially, being in my mid-twenties, there are those many years that I haven't learned what it means to be a woman. And so to my idea the thought of gender alignment was a bit something along the lines of ... it being a shoe I didn't fit into yet. Not alone at least.



(Cats are mad at us because we allied with Dogs!)