Laser Sharks

Just ... thought this was a fancy ... title. And apparently - well, obviously they are already a thing. But did you know that they, a.k.a. Carcharodon Laserias, are widely considered to be earths deadliest Predators?


How to Understand which way the (eclipse) shadow goes

[2017.08.20:22:59]: Headache. I would insert Video here, but ... no! So the Flat Earthers and FE Debunkers are duking it out again, and its ... painful. Both sides. Both sides are way too far up their own asses ... sigh. So, number 1: The moon moves around earth within approximately a month. OK. The earth turns around itself once per day. OK. So, in relativity, the moon is relatively static - but, forget "from space" perspectives. So, where does the sun rise? In the east, in the west? How is what when faster? I mean - if two sides get it so wrong - we got to look closer and make it easy for everybody.
So, here in germany its noon 'earlier' than in the US. By the time we get to the evening, the US gets to the noon. So or so. So facing south, looking at where the sun would be at noon, the sun travels from left to right. Because the surface of the earth travels from right to left. So, adding the moon - it travels into the same direction as the surface? Thats what both sides say, so ... OK. So, because the moon is 'slower', we would see it travel the same way as the sun. Although it moves parallel, we move faster and so we leave it behind. So, the sun is static in this image, the moon is moving, but we are the faster ones. That why Flat Earthers say, the shadow of the eclipse should move from ... left to right, or ... east to west. From morning to evening.
The same direction the sun is moving. So, imagine the sun in the sky, and now the moon is making its way in from the left, ... and so the shadow does comes in from the left respectively, right?
But now ... the mooon, although coming in from the left, is 'actually' on the right side. Because ... well, thats how the moon moves in orbit. It moves into the same direction as we do. So in the sky, it will have to come in from the right - inevitably. And how does that work? Well. The thing is so:
Once its morning and you see the moon in the sky, the sun is still rising - so, there at the left. The moon moves now parallel to the surface, and within a 4th rotation of the earth, the sun will be dead center, we eventually already left the moon far behind. Yet factually, in the right circumstances, we can see the moon overtaking the sun ... and thats a solar eclipse.//23:15

What good depiction of violence can bring

I've never gotten punched in my face, but ... I've seen my fair share of violent deaths. These visuals don't hide the ... huh ... "inner truth" ... and there are a variety of things I associate horrible brutal undesirable murder to, ... just because of these images. And I think that places where these visuals are not having some common presence, ... they get up much more violent. (Well, mixed within a hateful mind that can go the other way ... but I'd argue that it can also end well. Most of the time.)

Are Video Games Art?

Basically a pointless iteration on the previous article; But ... only pointless to those ... us ... I mean, who - love and play Video Games. Apparently its a discussion and I think my stance on the topic should be pretty clear. But, the recent article added some new spin to this. Well, "new". Of course: If you take an existent game, "rip it off" sotospeak, a.k.a. switching textures and models/sprites around, ... that isn't much of an artwork. It gets art once you start to think, like ... how to make the rip off less obvious? That is already art! To take something and make something unique of it. And yea - X-Com whatever ... good enough. And as I was so specific to mention firaxis and 2K - I maybe have to be more specific and give it to that press dude who always gets out speaking on behalf of 2K that he seems like an OK guy; ... but eventually a certain type of fuck ups keeps on accumulating at, well, around the usual suspects.

Anyhow - ignore that!

By "Video Games are Arts" I most specifically want to 'ignore' (yes!) all those 'artsy' games. Uh, well - whats Artsy? Well, Artsy is Art - well enough; But making a case of those extremes isn't really all that substancial. Sure - Limbo looks and feels like Art, but in general you wouldn't find the ordinary gamer play those games! Occasionally OK. And so there is the occasional exception. Bastion for instance. Or Transistor. But that because there is some solid aspect of Gameplay that goes along with the Story and how its being told.

There's a lot of stuff that goes into making a game. But details aside - the main reason why to me Video Games are art is because the making of one is a process that kindof has to be re-invented each project anew. Sure there are some standards; Like, buy canvas, buy colors, get that pencil out - draw some outlines - start with the bright colors first ... stuff like that. And there even is a metaphor in that. The bright colors would represent technical basics. In certain areas one would need more detail, so another layer of color is added on top of that. So, depending on what kind of game one wants to make - things stack up differently. Is it plot heavy? Does it focus on Side-Quests? Does it feature complex Character progression? Is the Inventory playing a big or a small role? And thats basically the struggle of/within IT in a nutshell. Whatever ones vision is - its plain and simple and can easily be painted onto a canvas - sotospeak. But once it gets to taking it from the canvas into code - different rules apply. And these rules can drastically change layer by layer.

A simple example can be experienced within the first Zelda Game. Or 'Zelda Classic'/ZQuest for that matter. So, lets say you want a cave entrance that leads to a cave. How would you do that? Lets say there were some code like: "If 'entering cave entrance' access [cave]". The way its done in the NES is that there can only be one entrance per screen. So, each screen-map has a section somewhere that holds the information to the target. If entering an entrance, that information is red (well, I 'assume' - but, there isn't really ... any reason to think otherwise) and ... so it is. If you now wanted there to be more than one possible entrance, you wouldn't only have to change that line of code, but also how the maps are being stored. It would then go like "if 'special' tile: if 'tile info' is 'entrance': access-map 'tile data'->target_map". Sounds like the same? Well - thats the thing. It isn't! Lets go further and say: 'if 'tile data': loop(tile data): if entrance: access'. In this case - for simplicity - we can add all sorts of shit to just one tile. Which isn't ... good ... because it can lead to all sorts of conflicts. In the earlier version we get to the 'paradigm' however that there can only be one 'thing' per tile. In older games you can even 'see' that because it also applies to the graphics of a tile. So, that a chest for instance can't be put onto textured ground because of reasons. Like, how the engine assembles the stuff. And that would be done because drawing ground and then "alpha-masking" a chest on top of does take longer to draw, ... and because the loading function would become more complex.

On white Guilt

I'm a german. I'm mixed. I have this "white guilt" though. I'm a german! Did I mention that I'm german? I may have not been conceived here, but I got born and raised here. My gramps served in the SS. He had his Nazi Medals in a glass thingy at the wall. He energetically told stories of the war. Mostly ... as I understand it now ... being 'still' hyped about the fanfares and all the ritualistic nonsense. But he wasn't racist! I had a black friend; And he was very welcome. White Guilt? Mayhap!

But what I want to say is that 'we' - we germans - 'we' are entitled to shout out about 'white guilt'. If you're out there and still hating - you are guilty! Simple as that! We made up for our past. I have nothing to do with WW2; And yet I see it part of my national responsibility to be ... well ... basically AntiFa. But actually that isn't guilt. Its the outlook on becoming guilty that ... is however there; ... and being not guilty is just so much better!

Maybe all these haters are actually just guilty of cowardess ... too afraid to date a black woman.
Crossbreeding should be quite good for the future. Plus - polygamy. I mean, some of this and some of that color - later down the road ... that should contribute to peace and variety. And a white dude that loves a black woman can IMO say about Jews whatever the fuck he wants; Simply because I believe that such a guy knows where to draw the line.

Is racism important?

By that I don't mean like every Ghostbusters thing that conveniently ignores Winston Z (the Black dude) - I actually despise it. But that made me think. I'm a big fan of the Stargate franchise; And Teal'C is one of my favourite Characters. Stargate is really progressive. In SGA there's Teyla and Ronon - whole Ronon may not count as colored, he still counts as a stranger. And thinking about it; "the Black dude is special". I see it as from an artists point of view. So, if you just have white - its boring. Throw a bit of color in there and ... it gets good. And if I look back at my own inventions - though not intended - I would say I mostly star white guys but there is always color in there somewhere. The protagonist of my "ambitioned Game" is even to turn Black in the second half of the game.
The story - as can be red from my sketches - goes in about as so, that the Hero is wound up in a Prophecy - as such he's 'given' a Kingdom, basically - at one point - from where they and allied Kingdoms go into the 'final war' with the enemy empire, but they loose. As the smoke settles, "God" essentially steps in, turns the Hero black and sends him away. It would seem bad, but the idea is that there where he would return to - they wouldn't accept him anymore. They'd think he were a fraud because they lost the battle. So he has to escape, and solve the problem ... as it needed to be solved.

I think there is one thing that makes it really difficult for everyone to close the divide. Skin Color! I mean, to me - Skin Color - as a color - is "white" ... ish. Though when it gets to picking the shadows, it gets brown. Otherwise one might go further towards the red.
And you have to give it to white dudes that they can't necessarily relate to people of colors - aside of finding those general outlines ... err ... some sense of abstraction - and 'trying' to artificially bridge that gap is in my opinion not really that much of a good idea. It has to come "naturally", by which I mean: Of course we have to find those opportunities and grab them!


One of those opportunities is to be 'anti' Winston Z removal on Ghostbusters stuff.
Its wrong on so many Levels! There are four Ghostbusters - but now one is missing? Its like removing one of the Power Rangers for some arbitrary reason, and I'm not talking about the Green/White Ranger! So you wonder: Why? And the only reason you would find is, oh, "its the black guy". What might make me racist is that I kindof don't care about race. Its here just the 'nerd' in me, more generally, that misses someone. And I got "upset" about Venom in the Spiderman movie being more like Carnage (slim instead of buff) - ... .
And to me its not the same as to giving Robocop a black casing. But imagine the death star were just another Destroyer. That ... wouldn't ... be right! And thats also a thing about art. One has liberties - but there are things that made the original artwork a masterpiece. But ... whatever.

Majula. This places has a spot in my heart. Majula is the main hub in Dark Souls 2. The first time I got there I had a flashback. A flashback to a 'bunch' of dreams I've had ... I don't know how long ago. Old ones. Perhaps even older than 2001. They mostly centered around the Crush I had. The first one I remember began in my old room. I was a child again however, and 'we've' built one of those castles out of big pillows and blanketts - and my crush was in there. As I went into the castle - she left, or disappeared. I went after her; And there I was ... walking down that first hill at Majula. I had at least two of those dreams; ... . As so getting closer to the bottom, looking to the left, it went up another hill - and looking up there, the scenes were different. In the dominant one of my memory there was a supermall to the left, but at any rate Goblins or Orcs coming in from the right. There was also a way straight onward. So, downhill - turning left there is that. And straight ahead some ... mountain range. And I never understood what this dream meant.

Earlier today I 'finally' saw an elaborate review of the CDI Zelda Games - and yea, back in the days; Thats the game I associated the dream to. Zelda. And so in that review there was this Scene of that sidescrolling Zelda game where you play Zelda; Some green willow and broken down stone walls. That gave me another flashback. So, where the village is in Majula - in my dream there were fences instead. And I remember Zelda running around there - and the arrangement of the fences was like in that screen there. And I still don't really know what it means.

The supermarket - at first - was a dangerous place. It looked OK, but something held me back - and then I saw that the Supermarket was filled with Goblins. In the second dream stuff was different. The supermaket was gone I think. There at least was some sense of relief. And I really don't know what that means!

I however take it that there is some significance to both games. DS2 and ... me just having watched that review. The story kindof was that Zelda went up that hill towards the Goblins - and I had the urge to go after her. But ... I don't think I ever made it up that hill. I think I once attempted to, ... but Goblins came downhill and ... I have a sense of 'failure' - so, something like a warning.

In an attempt to understand it; I guess that ... since Zelda for once were Symbolical for my Crush and hence perhaps metaphorical for desires, the message were not to follow them. And because the dream comes together now - it also were relevant 'now'. So, what are these desires? Whats the supermarket about? Well ... focussing closer on that uphill shot, ... to the right were some mountaintops that obscured the place where the Goblins are coming from. So, the whole setting anyhow had some vibe of an ambush to it. I think, kindof close to what you find when going into that direction when starting at Majula. The impulse were to go uphill and check out that Supermarket. And this idea echoes with certain feelings of mine. Well - more like 'echoes in my head'. A bit like when I buy weed despite having that feeling that this act was preyed upon (thats the echoes) and will get me shitty dope.

But more specifically am I having these desires or urges to make a game of ... the 'digestive remainders' of me watching that review; Amongst other things. It kindof doesn't make sense since I don't think I'd do that; But ... maybe I shouldn't be so sure about that. Anyhow ... now its 'double no'.

Then there's another thing about those echoes. It basically comes down to moments where I'm getting a positive oppinion on something, ... and I get these echoes that kindof mock me. But maybe going down that road ... is the way uphill. So, looking onward ... whats the alternative? Looking for the Level up girl? Or going towards that mountain range?

How does that ... translate?

I think the easiest translation were: That anything that 'they' have their hands upon should be taboo for me. No matter what. Its ... simple. If these goblins so Kidnapped Zelda, they took her to a place - and there they basically set the rules of engagement. Unless I find a way around that. By moving up that one, narrow path uphill ... I'm most likely not going to achieve that though.

And yea - I can take an example in White Supremacists 'lamenting' that Ivanka Trump is married to a Jew - saying, as I think they are silly, I shouldn't do the same mistake. Getting into some entrapping attachment. I mean, she looks good; On a sidenote - and some years ago I would have said what every dude might say - but today I think differently and so I rather said that I wouldn't even touch her with a stick.

Boiled down into practical terms that means to me, that any action provoked by "them" should be taken as a trap.

On a completely different note - and that sortof calls the first part of the dream I mentioned here to my mind - I have to notice that I have a 'stronger' attachment/sympathy for 'their shit' than anything else. As mentioned before: I wouldn't have looked at Dark Souls with my butt - and no matter how much I love these games now - they sortof 'mean' nothing. I mean, its difficult to find 'affection' for them; While the most obvious and disgusting dogshit, ... its like a strong wind ... I have to try hard to walk against. One slip and I'm blown back a few feet. And that sortof applies to SFV. In part at least. Its like ... whenever I am positive about SFV, I'm getting these weird echoes - like, I'm tring to sell a game of the enemy. That however not really as directly as that. I'm rather confirming the enemies choices that influenced the game; Which of course implies that there are some. And anyway - I don't think that Sony nor Capcom are 'uncorrupted'. I even believe that on the 'lower Levels' of Sony, its full of shit. All those "SJW artsy ... [$%^*&()_"]" - I don't mean to get into any detail there. But there are some 'young hipsters' with 'gamer creds' or what; In my "belief" at least; whom Sony trusts to basically sell their product.

Whats going for SFV is - so to my reasoning/understanding/whatever - basically the idea that "OP Characters" are essential for the game to be fun. As, if 'competition' is the key selling point, you want to keep the competition going and OP Characters drive the incentive to get stronger as towards overcoming these odds.
How's that working out so far?

Mind you: I hate that philosophy. As counter example one might come up with the 'if every character were the same it were boring' attitude - [make cannon spike safe on block!] - but then, where's the fun if Abigail all need to do is 'crouch jab' to chip even more of my health and I can't defend myself with one of the fastest Characters in the set? Its not like he doesn't do enough damage already. Same goes for Balrog. If you need them, thats my opinion, to have hideous damage output; That being their gimmick, then don't get at me with some lame bullshit whiney snowflake excuse of needing some edge. I sometimes also can't get rid of the feeling that the game is sexist. And 'anti hero'. Of course. Sexist because men are by default stronger; And were it not for some morons behind the game - I might blame SJWs for that.

Talking about Balance ... thats some ... inaccessible/hideous mountain range ... isn't it?

So, how does this play out logically? Urien has really slow normals. And he doesn't have that much of a crazy offense. So people don't pick him? What people? People that now pick ... Balrog, Ken and Abigail. R. Mika? I would go on a hunch and say those are: 'Actually unpopular Characters'. However. So, I might find myself in the offense against Abigail - once I figured out how he works ... and so a way around his BS Spamming ... he's in the defense and *whine whine* can't 'cheaply' escape from that. Now so, what does he do? Crouching jab. I mean, seriously? Is ... that now ... the thing? Basically annihilating any advantage I might have against him? Where, there are two types of players - and ever so often we just drop into those 'what works best' habits. But some have a level of respect - and they don't try to win 'cheaply' and so they get better with those Characters and I respect those opponents. Other times I feel like a truckload of salt implied - like, it were a life or death situation. "Win at any cost". Why is that? I'd assume there is some 'larger interest' in that.
I mean, with Cammy for instance its hard enough to get close to the opponent - and I see the cannon spike as an option to maybe get an attack in, but alternately gain some distance. Thereby, the best move Rose has gotten is her crouching medium kick forward. Thats just ... not too much, not too little - for my taste. I love it! So, using it as a movement function rather than an attack - for instance. So, without a way 'out' of an engagement, Cammy is often 'stuck' on her opponent; And once that opponent is turtling good, well - Cammy doesn't have a legitiamte overhead option. And because jabs are so effective anti air moves - cross-ups aren't so easy either. Chances are that a lot of health is being lost when trying to get in on a really defensive Character.
And don't get at me with "Noob Friendly Characters" either. There's a point, where in my oppinion, achievements shouldn't be gifted to those who pick cheap Characters. If you want to play the game, 'learn to fucking play'! Ken at this point only triggers one response in me: Shift+Delete, [OK], period.

I mean, he's a walking hitbox with 1 frame startups. And yea, I'm talking from a Bronze Level perspective - so what?

Its not like Ken is relevant in high level play anyway!

And why is that? I wonder!

Constructively ... maybe try smaller hitboxes!

I mean, "obviously" there is some Ken player who goes online, and feels like Ken needs a buff. Gee - I wonder how that comes together!

Sure X would and Y would (have some offensive and defensive option) - and so would the fucking rest of the fucking the cast!

The reason why I'm basically fine with this basically non-existent balance is because its a good starting point to just make the Characters as strong as they should feel. That really meets my Philosophy. And here I might drop the ball and take it that I should be more careful - but I feel that more often than not, thats not really an option Cammy has!

Plus, whats the deal with Ed? Fullscreen, pass-through plus stun? Get the fuck outta here!

But well - where was I?//15:58|17:16//I was about to get some weed but then returned and wrote so far but then got out anyway and now I'm high. Kindof. I trust that this is good stuff. Smells good so far and right now it giveth me a sense of tranquility. I guess ... once you're into some Pink Floyd ... thats a good sign!


Well, maybe I should focus on something entirely different. Something of my own - so, where there is no path. That is - as far off of the 'uphill path' as it could get.

I had to think: ... but I forgot, maybe it is not for here. Right now I'm thinking: When I'm playing SFV online, I basically get three kinds of opponents, speaking of my feelings. However, before I get into any esoteric spiritual magical anything - there is one 'big' thing that needed to be considered after all. In geometry this means: My feeling were an arc. Draw a ... C, just closer to an I, and so - it works as showing the three types. Middle, "left" and "right" - and they face a common center. Here we need a much larger thing, a point though, ... weightful ..., and this is the consideration that within this arc 'ganied dominance' - which is rather a ... logical thing. So yea, its fair to say that I comprehend things in regards to a somehow inborn automated 'shape' of things ... speaking of correlations and relativities ("and such"). Anyhow - this geometry is to be understood as: that from an 'outside perspective' (the 'default' superficial "index"/form) - this 'huge weighty thing' comes first. And therefore it opens within the 'chapters' introducing it; Rather than my specific arc. So, that is what dominance means - in the end. It so becomes part of something that isn't immediately related to my arc; It is however something my arc can relate to. That is how I get to it.

Here in SFV the issue is the following: Once I'm "pissed" ... or 'salty' ... or paranoid, lets say that, ... once I'm thinking ill of my (previous) opponent - I eventually get matched up with an opponent, it happens from time to time, that I just can't beat. Its like ... whatever I do, it for me is just like running into his/her/its fist. And over time I realized that that is just how I play. I ... "guess right". Or in other words: I blindly jump in on the opponent and with 'sheer luck' cross up his/her/its attempts. This is re-enforced within moments where I try my intellectual best to defeat my opponent, but must experience that just ... going in ... yielded me less hurt, and led to all-over greater success.

Now, these few very specific opponents, they do drop right into the middle part of the arc we might say - calling it 'the core of the competitive spirit'. Which in my "psycho-stadium" may ... however be "populated" as in correlation to my realtime concerns. So, 'antichristians', 'cheaters', "lag switchers", 'rage quitters', 'bots', 'a pro', ... and somewhere therein is the 'Satsui No Hado' - the 'surge' of murderous intent. "a.k.a. Salt".
~~~wrrrr~~~(smoke more or not?~~~balance shock~~~)~~~a.k.a. wrrr~~~

Now, what I realized with these particular opponents is that ... I had to change my game. I had to step back from blindly running in on them, obviously, ... and eventually the entertaining side of the game opened up to me. So, ... the level of competition would rise - in a constant back and forth of adaptation. I felt the competitive goodness of my opponent, as so the back and forth yielded an increasing respect for whom or what I was facing.

The thing is that I was too fixated on a flawed principle of playing the game; But mostly due to a lack of experience of this Level of competition. So there wasn't much of a bettering myself without any proper experience to begin with. ... ~~~ //18:11

[2017:08:23|13:00] : "Your Problem"

Fun Idea: We'll first of all get rid of all shitty games - after carefully archiving them and turning them into a legendary treasure. So that in years, maybe centuries or further to come people will look for them - and people will re-unite in peace as they agree upon the shittiness of these games.

I had a theory. Augh ... this sucks. ... silence.//13:12-[2017.08.27|13:35] Wow. So now, 3 days later - or actually 7 - ... hmm. Well enough. So - I've gotten weed ... but, wasn't that friday? Oh yea, right - I ... wrote those pieces on the top some time later. Well. Majula ... where have I went?

I did for a large enough time focus on Crystals. Now - on that side, I'm confident in some things now. Like, Coffee is the magic ingredient. And when looking back - at those memories that stick to me and keep on lighting up every now and then as 'the good stuff' - well, there also wasn't a lot of weed. But that again is more complex of its own.
And yea, Marijuana plus Coffee makes "the magic happen" sotospeak; In terms that I 'can' work within a balance of inspiration and energy. Speculation aside - that magic did happen/come in bursts. And obviously I have been jumping back and forth a bit. Now, one 'certainty' I have hopes for is that by the time that things get to 'you' - in public - and various things are 'solid' - I can lean back and relax much better. Well, its a matter of distractions. I think it was in one of the Game Theorists Videos ... or AVGN? Well - its about 'completion'. Finishing a game to 'cross it off' of the "to do" list to have those mental ressources available for new stuff. When it gets to that as a 'general thing' - well, no. It ain't the point whether its on games or not ... I mean, ... OK. Obviously. In this context I'm bugged by thoughts I don't always know about - whether they be necessary or not. Well, obviously you would tell me to go on as I'm used to - getting some 'oddball' legitimacy. Thats how it works. And in the end we ... I think ... despite all the thinking don't get any wiser and can only hope for the best.

But, one think I'm kindof sure will come is that - taking the context of YouTube for instance. If these discussions were to continue there; There is a balance. In the beginning its just smoke. A gass. And from there on - simulate the becoming of galaxies from a ... gas??? Well, not too sure. But sooner or later the 'individual thinker' isn't really all that free 'anymore'. That because as society grows, certain structures become somehow mendatory - structures of communication that is. So, words, terms, their meanings.

OK, strange ... feeling of stuckness. Its like you ... don't or can't see how any of these things might unfold as a discussion on YouTube. So, maybe I'm back ... stuck in dark room with nobody listening but those who won't let this out no matter the cost.

So, if you're ... that is my perspective of things ... 'cool' with the argument that things are right the way they are, that I'm 'good' where I am - then, that leaves a very bad taste in ... "my mouth". So, I think of those who wanted to suppress the Truth all along - and me feeling like here in a cage with none of my words making it out ... that becomes a hypothesis. And I'm sure I haven't quite learned all there is to the Force yet, ... but one thing that 'should' be emphasized yet and yetter is that "your narrow implications of what it is" don't meet the reality of it. I just got to realize that ... well, never mind. Its oddly specific stuff about my past. The story would begin with the 'notion' of Enlightenment by God; Making you think or dream of maybe a castle of Light that becomes visible in your head and you have something like a Video Game going on, a.k.a. "better than LSD". What I then get to reflect seems to sustain that - but again, what matters were that there is a 'structure' for instance, in terms of 'thought' - information, idea, intention, ... - and not in geometry. And I only get to make out the layout of the structure as I get more 'information' that 'takes shape' as geometry. Its the Force where 'inside' the Force there is 10: Light/Identity, 11: The receiving Spirit, 12: The procreating Spirit and 13: The Source. And if you ever think you can properly imagine it, you are inherantly wrong! There are parts you just can't vividly imagine because the 'Source' crosses over into Infinity. I don't really know how else to say it right now.

So it has been a theme since the start that ... well, if you knew the right terms there are things that can be understood. So, its at first like you are just a seed. Then there comes a time of growth, so, roots spread out and the youngshoot makes its way through the soil to eventually emerge to the surface. One thing I mentioned at that time was that its like my entire mind got reset and the only things on my mind was the "thing" round about my knowledge of God as 'consolidated' by the transition into Unification. But yea, obviously that doesn't equal to 'Amnesia'. So, first that thing grows, getting solid into Eternity - and what the 'Light' does is what the 'Light' does ... and as it goes with the feeling that you feel like you are one with everything around yourself ... that you could "X-Ray" stuff - ... well, there I had to learn early on that I had some control over it. Saying, I wasn't able to 'clear my mind' enough at that time at least to actually 'see' what was inside of stuff. But so there is stuff I had to learn about it - and to say that it totally goes against expectations might be real, but we had to first wonder what these expectations were.

My simplest take on it is that there is enough space for us to grow and continue to exist individually; Without loosing the sense of wonder, or growing to an utter disregard to Couriosity. I mean, imagine how lame of a Game Dark Souls were if I ... well, on another note: "Couldn't tell" that there is a strong enemy around the corner - but how lame it were if everything were perfectly transparent to me and all I had to do were to follow the lines. If I ever claimed, in that context, that I 'knew' where I was going; Then that is very much just simplified. Like so: Lets say we arrived at a hub ... so, some place with multiple exits - and one of them were the way we had to go. Now, first of all - what determined that 'must'? Well, if there were nothing else to get in any of those other places - and the only thing to get at all were on that 'right' exit, then yea - there were no real arguing except for exploration. Exploration adds an interesting bit to it, because: What is in those other places anyway? Just a dead end? Or maybe something I may then eventually remember later and have a faster way back? Well, I wouldn't need that if I had an inner compass that led me right back there - but do I then really "play the game?". "What game?". "The game of Life"? Or how to put it? If you want an immersive RPG experience, when do you so get to stop in a game and just look at all the amazing things that are in there?
And I think - there we get to a 'first' cornerstone of what makes a 'good' game different from a 'bad' one: The 'arts'. So, there are those Artists that created stuff that ends up in a Museum, eventually. Its deemed 'worth paying for just to look at it' - eventually, or to charge money for its preservation and to pay that fee and so. I mean, if I had a way of making a game and then just metaphorically placed a turd at some long-winded dead end; You might look at it and be amazed ... but clearly, the value of doing so wouldn't be all that profound. So, we can establish that us humans co-existence takes shape within culture and cultures - and Gods existence within creation. So, there is some synergy - and our individual 'lack of insights' adds to that. We interact as individuals - and even if we knew what was coming we yet had to sortof do the acting.

Well, anyhow are there certain unclarities yet - and the main 'parable' for me to express what I mean by that involves Angels. At the simplest of it all the main argument for me to reflect my current position were that: "Until an Angel appeared and told me otherwise, I suppose I'm doing the right thing". To say that an Angel were a "Super Cognitive" thing, present to all senses or, at the very least vision and sound, that would directly, physically [sortof], interact with me - which stands on the opposite end of the spectrum relative to 'the Force (its Light)'. So, thats an inside:outside thing. God appearing like that within my mind and so for instance 'talking' to me internally - that would also qualify; Though, I'd rather callt hat a 'Vision' - a 'seriously real super divine real super real real REAL' vision. While whenever else I so far mentioned having a vision - its more like a daydream, than how we would picture it in a movie for instance.

Yea right. Imagine a Waterfall from which riffles make their way into/through a lake. That were the influence of 'reality' onto our psyche - and the Force were its own invisible origin of riffles somewhere on that lake. It doesn't undo the Waterfall. But you could also consider it a wave of Light that follows the "rifflage" the waterfall makes.

So, if there were something as a 'clear reality' to relate with I had a 'clear' context regarding what to do with the thoughts I'm having.

And so, things don't change that much when I get to working on Crystals. Well, one thing thats clearly different is that I'm working in a conscious realm; So, inspiration matters more. Or so, fantasy at all ... in my reality at least ... has an easy way of/to coming together; Especially since I've always been a ... lets call it 'dreamy' person.

What I notice is that it sickens me to write stuff and that I have a ... really ... desperate, craving urge to flip the page around and only focus on that. And yea, I could coin the interpretation of it being the place where 'I' set the terms. So - also 'the mountain' that seemingly had no roads or structures on it, well, its 'uncrafted' land - where else could I 'settle'?

Oh yea, Secret of Mana HD/3D remake trailer reaction.

Meh. Well - the trailer didn't really catch me all that much; But the fact that its Secret of Mana actually has me giving a shit about those Pre-Order Bonuses. I don't mind if they change stuff around a bit because a part of me is 'curious' about how the mechanics might evolve - but a part of me is 'stiller' on ... kindof just wanting to experience the 'old systems' in a 3D setting. I mean, there is a silly 'novelty' to it - things 'we' know from 3D present in 3D. Nothing else - basically, maybe even the same bulky pixel graphics for most of the time. But the Water. Which is kindof ... my biggest grip with what I've seen so far. I mean, the Title Screen should foreshaddow a sweetly immersive Fantasy World - I mean, the reflections there in the water ... how cool would it be if 'that' Atmosphere could be making it in some more?!

I like the Art-Style, which however goes along with saying that I don't care all that much about it. I know that I had my own ideas of how they all looked - and usually the concept arts weren't really meeting my taste; ... saying, ... the details that got 'crunched away' in the pixels ... I basically ignored them away - and ... "dealt with it".

There's also a "my idea(s)" story to it. I guess I still do have scans from that notebook which I burned because I felt like I couldn't prevent others from seeing it eventually otherwise; Though, taking care of the flash-drive; Hmm ... I ... am not entirely sure about it but eventually ... well. Not sure. I still have them; But I'm not sure if thats the Notebook I'm thinking about in this case. The thing is that on the first page I basically just drew some random stuff that came to my mind; And one of them was an interpretation of the Mana Hero.

Where, now that I'm looking through it - there is 'this':

And thats going to be a topic of its own I suppose. I was about to 'segway' into it, closing this and starting a new - based on a topic that ... just bothered me; And seeing this image - its sortof, ... a really good up close 'reference' to how old it is, actually. The topic were something about me not being in charge of my mind, but vaguely different. Oh yea, that I'm not feeling at home in my own mind. Where, somewhere along those lines there's this 'silent cry for help' throughout - which gets me to complain about 'preservation of the past'. ... But this face, just so real quick, is basically "just" a nasty feeling in my ... mind/heart somewhere. You can clearly see it in this 'Chin' - or as I otherwise complain about "self imposings" - the "I'm here, now you make space" type of ... "Ghandi" like ... "fuck you" type of ... 'stuff'. So, somewhere along the line I also came to my own Pokemon - and yea, this:

Is me certainly being high as the marker on the bottom right would indicate - but also the slight destortions in the proportions would indicate that. But anyhow. The focus ultimately is here - so. Eventually I got to this and fancied some "ideas" or 'visions' about a SoM remake - just, possibly, triggered by my own passive interest in expanding on what drawing so had me thinking of it. So, that Guy - there. Yet you can there see that 'already' I had been basically shifted over onto Secret of Evermore - so a few pages later I also got to this 'font shape'.

And there have been some pervy images in between as well; Which - in the context of the 'quality' of the sketches in that notebook; At least to me things have gotten more colorful and vibrant; Though on the surface Level, the quality constantly jumps back and forth. But - yea. One thing is that what I 'envisioned' is often different to what you would see. Take that "Inventory Screen" for SoE for instance. "If you can tell what I mean". The basic color would be grey-ish, within a gradient from black to white, and it ... isn't much. Its just an interface decision.

And this is it. I mean - I don't have any other drawings to show. Which is to say: Most of what I envisioned is in my head - and what I drew there isn't of any relevance, basically. And so in a sense that I shouldn't even tell you these things. Its not important. But maybe that if you focus too much on the rightmost image on the SoM strip - you're going down a Rabbithole that ... were more something like a trap.

I don't want to say that I "invented" anything special there, 'except' - when speaking of things I 'would' come back to eventually - the Secret of Evermore things. Which isn't much either. Basically just that one frame and something of a Title. Which however also basically 'speaks' for a ... complete re-design. At least in terms of arts. But well - here's something else I just rediscovered. Hmm, this guy doesn't seem too ... excited about his stuff.

So, yea - there is a story; And why wouldn't there be - SoM is one of my favourites. Somewhere I then also got to also think about Hexagons instead of Squares, and Stargate.

So, where was I? Well, clearly - there is that Sexual subtext,

But yea - coming back to these things feels really good. It feels like I had hidden them in some dark dark corner; And yea ... which is true, ... speaking of the cirquits on a hard-drive as such. Or whatever. Electrons. Atoms. Stuff. So, looking at them takes them to the light - and so, this, 'reconceiliation with the past' - thing - it here isn't an issue of 'not' having preserved something; But ... those things did yet 'pass' pretty much unnoticed. Potentially. And I don't mean that in a frame of social recognition; But ... 'intimate' recognition. So, ... from "Parents" maybe. Someone to share my world with.

My modified signature Fusion Cannon/Rifle.

Well, what you got there is a cut through my artistry. Which may be important here to so add 'value' to the "claim" of 'going for the uncharted land'. Like, if I went there emptyhanded - you'd rather be compelled to laugh at me - like, there were no depth to my claim. Or how ... it just feels weird.

Hype building? Maybe? Well, its not like these are really indicative of something I would do 'at first'; While - it just feels right in a sense of, ... feels. Sharing. Being open. And maybe having a story that you can ... relate to more ... tangibly.

Where, now we're getting to the point that ... aggros me. Like, I say it so - now you also 'wanted' the full context to that image; And why don't I right away show you everything? Like, this which is to the 'right' of that face image. And why don't I? Well, why 'should' I? Then, in what order did I draw these things?

No, here we're in a space of ... me being basically 'engaged' by them - and thats where 'you' are 'them' if you so align with them. Simple as that. In another way of saying that 'you' ... mean jackshit!

But yea, over time I had to notice that there is a difference (that Notebook was 2008-2009 (October!?!March)) between what it may be on the surface and what it is underneath; And that aside of hypothetical legitimacies there are also practical ones - where I'm not entirely sure whether or not that is me just bullshitting myself.

Differences however, with yet their common denominators.

Anyhow. A(nother) thing special about these images may be that the time that I drew them, well - that was pretty much at my 'darkest' - although I didn't personally experience it that way. I mean, it was 2008-2009, while, the whole Baptism and Unification story started in March 2005. I had already tried my stuff, went to NYC and LA, failed "most monumentarily" - and finally was stuck "under the rock" of living with my Grandparents. Well, we had Satellite TV. And at that time - well, I loved to stay up late to watch the repetition of the Stargate Episodes; With sometimes Battlestar Galactica and other things in between. So, I watched Stargate while here and then finding time to draw some stuff.

So, it is the perfect opposite to being under pressure to 'show' any results. Rather than working against the clock, I worked 'towards' something. The clock being my inner 'desire' to do something. The desire to get to a certain 'outlook' on things - and while I was intentionally keeping this Notebook hidden, the privacy of these things got perpetuated even further. And this is possibly where the face comes in. There 'at the struggle' of what I should do, whether I should try hard to keep it a secret or not. And I did try hard. During social events where I had to let go of my backpack, potentially, I strapped it to my torso using duct tape.
Only once I had left it in our Kitchen for a few hours. Which, in this context, isn't relevant. Its the 'slacking', basically, the 'potential' of leaving it exposed ... where the 'suggestions' of a third party perspectives come in and ... I eventually then find myself in a 'meta' where I don't do my own thing anymore, but rather 'show off' to whatever party is looking in whatever way I picture that to go on. Pretty much like whats going on in my text here and there.

Well, this 'privacy' is the opposite to 'this' public sharing, in a way. And if I 'now' made something to 'right away' show you, I did it more in context to an immediate response, expectationally. But yea, I don't feel uncomfortable to do that per se - matter of fact there are plenty of graphics here and there that do/are just that. And I ... kindof ... lost the plot here.

The point is that I didn't draw these things to 'please' 'you' or 'anybody' - and so they were never really there as in a context of ever showing them to anyone. Its not the 'intention' however to 'never' show them to anyone. Somewhere therein, so it seems, or ... translates, is a demon. Like, arguing about what my intentions were with what and ... whatever the hell. It were good/cool I guess if that happened on a final product and it'd mostly stay fair as within the confines of the product; Which is generally different to taking it down the political road, or ... going even further as to always consider some kind of evil masterplan behind each of my moves and strokes. I think "pretentiousness" is the word. If I knew what it meant I ... I - hmm, whatever.

It may still be an older argument. I mean, back in the days, ... the story got mostly down to the question of 'who is' the right guy; And respectively 'why 'I' am not' - while so to me it was about never having had a chance, on the other side the argument that I had to 'work for it' - where my argument were that 'me being in the mouths' is already the factual presence of me in form of a thing which is of course getting destorted by their presence. Clear cut: For as long as I didn't work my way out myself ... "I ain't gettin' any" ... which totally 'burries' my defense ... and made me dependent on "asskicking" moments where I ... could 'spark' something that might then be going somewhere. To so also get my narrative in.
Was it any good? Oh my, I rather not think about it.
But well, the 'frontline' of this issue is an argument about 'money' - as: Whether or not to give me any/invest in me - thus turning into an issue around what is and isn't reasonable - like, what could I realistically expect on which premisses? Where my argument then turns into a "Fuck You! #testimony #unification".

To remind you: What it is about. And to 'tone you down' a little, like, this ain't "You wish, we play" here! It doesn't work like: "but couldn't we at the very least expect ..." - #noyoucant! Give or take. The main 'criteria' for the Truth is that 'it be True'! Period.
If God exists - you cannot disproove His existence. So, occams Razor that away! So, while we arguably can't proove His existence either; Which we can sophistically take to an 'even' - its this thing - ... where there are things to be found but your cynicism or pride or whatever disallows you from discovering them. And at some point ... when I'm aggroed ... its kindof like I had to force-shove that stuff down your throat and stuff it in with a dildo or something.

This drawing to the right here somehow illustrates ... something about it. The main principle is 'humility' as 'gravitational force' that attaches one to the 'ground/Truth'. And this also corresponds to the "thou shalt not laugh" interpretation of D&C something:something. That was something I did go through during that time. Having nobody to relate to but myself led to me to grow more and more on the contexts that unfolded within me - and they gave me something more 'valuable' than being concerned of whats going on around me and what not.

So at one point I felt like - 'falling' deeper and deeper until I arrived in some cavern, far below anywhere where anyone would/might look. The force opposed to humility is arrogance. But yea, ... I don't know exactly why I wrote stuff as I wrote it ... there in the blue. But ... whatever.

But yea. So, far, ... this is an accomplishment; In terms of ... moving towards the mountains instead - well, if the journey were that which mattered 'here'. Which in another way is focussing on what I got rather than lamenting about that which I lost.

Which is one of those points - LOL. You know. Me 'locked up' somewhere where nobody cares, while worrying that the stuff I make is getting abducted and 'you' then shrugging it off as 'bla bla'. So much in deed that whenever I fail to satisfy your expectations on being a failure, ... so the think goes ... you can't acknowledge it because it goes against your belief.

So, 'humility' a.k.a. 'key to reason'.

And yea, that ultimately also applies to me. I mean - lets say that I produced Holy Scripture - or 'Holy Advise' - as the Bible were to you/us - there is no 'rationality' for exclusion. As it says "yet Not even a yota will be taken from the Law". So, there was that time where these things occured to me; But later then other things came to my attention and then eventually I forgot about it - only here and then maybe remembering it and trying to heed its advise, ... so yea - at that point already, ... it/this "even" started as 'advise to self'.

Now, I guess somewhere I wrote something that gets to yet another side of the whole problem. The how/when can you 'rely' on God to deal your biddings? So, the Angel bit. Like, ... it matters how I personally deal with God - to begin with. The "stubborn fantasy" goes like, ... kindof like you intentionally being an asshole to provoke God to send you an Angel of some kind, whilst then your bitterness grew upon the absense of such. So, that. But 'what if' you were humble about it?

To me, 'finally' 'the goal' is to 'learn' to not rely on such things. So, to first start with: Knocking and Searching. If you know whether or not the door is being opened, ... and if you know that you can find things - thats very well within the margins of a start. So - why an Angel? Well, to make it clear that you've accomplished something! Right? There is that 'need' to have some 'ding - Trophy Earned' experience; Some bell or chime that heralds success.

And once you're bitter, you might interprete the absence of such like a kick in the stomach.

"So, ... and you call 'me' a crybaby!"

This one, well - it can be kindof put into that context. There are various 'design choices' like that for MoA. This is a more Universal imperative, ... to basically 'remove' something of a 'God Level' outside of the otherwise outlined [...] - but also to 'shape' the Universe so that as a product it doesn't 'compete' with fantasies that do have. Its a feel ... to say that MoA doesn't need that - won't need it - can't have it - which also kindof bestows more power onto "the Wingless".

To then move this into a slightly different topic, there at some point, not in this Notebook, was 'the Sibsidiyakum'. It in its 'artistic' conception (so, ... err ...) is basically the counterpart to the Kamehameha. Or the Spirit Bomb. Not sure. But, first of all, that so because the name finally came in. But that happened as on base of another incident. Which I ... I think labelled 'Sunsky'. So, after the 'sword' thing (belief in 'God being there for me/us') ... eventually the thing became that wonderful glorious orb - and after that I had an 'inversion' experience; Which is maybe the point where your/ones world has literally been turned upside down. So, speaking of Norms ... and a conceptual ... approach to existence.
Or ... well - it happened, ... which to some, well - may be read as the point where I shut myself up in my fantasy world ... but ... well, whatever.

But now - as for what I want, there is 'this' state - where, as opposed to ending on a sexual note I would speak of what I needed or envisualized in interest of my private doing.

Well, I need to reformulate that.


Or ... re-explore?

Well - if ... hmm. I only have one pot left. ...

And, its now 'been' like a sting. So, I 'block' all sexuality away - and therein find a place of "joy and happiness" - but at times that also gets jarring. However ... as for what matters here, the point is that as for how 'I' tell the story, is that there is nothing I can/have to expect; And so I have my considerations for that future. For that path. And my ambition basically revolves around ... yea ... having a workspace on which I could conveniently start another notebook, for instance - while also doing my other stuff along the way.

But yea, whatever. //2017.08.27|19:13 [censored?]