Megan Fox?
Well, what is this about?
It is about ... 'the 'table''. And I feel utterly uncomfortable right at this point. Like so ...
As though my chest were slashed. So, back or forth - the 'idea' at some point is that my sex-drive is an illusion, or, something
that has been implanted into me; And whenever I've gotten out of it, at some point there is this 'sting' - and that which I had
shut off kindof makes its way back in. Then this rushes through my veins ... metaphorically ... and at some points there was
something just like this, yet it felt like poison and it aroused me to embrace it.
Clarity?
Well - objectively: When there were such a thing as a 'tick' within me, some 'implant' of cognitive nature that made me fall down
a trap - then there were, around that, yet my own consciousness as it aligned to it. So, in the harshest of contrasts, my position
"here" - or lets say "unfallen" - which observes "the other side" as something 'else'.
It is then however usually stressful to 'resist'. And that is kindof expressed in that image (although not intentionally).
"In the meantime" one of the struggles I have is some 'who am I' riddle, but it is mostly about avatars, comic heroes - fiction,
types, "roots", attachments, ... on and on.
And so, I get to speak for myself psychologically now. What I 'need/want' - and you might guess, thats where I'm conflicted. And
just how deep that goes is getting clearer and clearer. Now 'aside' of where that takes me - it so far has always been the case
that despite my struggles against it, I usually get back to experiencing these
things as 'cure', where the bottom right and top left are ... yet ... second and third choices.
Well, they however follow a 'line', in that there first is a 'blot' of images (lips, cammy, the posing) - and with the focus being
on Cammies expression in that implied position, I a) can relate to that due to my 'masturbation experiences' and b) feel a sensation
of pleasure; That basically flushes all the horrible tensions away.
The blot thereby usually comes together as pictures that are 'near' each other within the folder I'm looking. So, there is maybe
one or two images that 'strike' me - one takes the lead - and based on that I can go on to select this or that. While my collection
is 'my own' - I "know" I have a pretty high 'hit rate', say, dependent on what mood I was in at the time I created that folder. Well,
its not like I have much control, but its certainly a filter - and ... aside of the every once in a while 'extra special' one ...
well, "there is stuff".
Then there is the picture to the top left, which I first would skip. Then there is the picture to the bottom right, and this for instance
did fit right into that mood of 'cure' - and is hereby part of my 'up to date' representation of whats going on. So, its an accident,
kindof, that these two images (this and Cammy) were in the same folder, ... eh, but ... there also was some fire. And in hindsight I get
to wonder if that 'fire' has some negative meaning to it. However - after that, getting back to the one on the top left, that woked in the
context; And so eventually also the one to the bottom left.
However I go on though, there isn't any of that 'conflict' or discomfort thats driving me 'out', except at some points; Far down the
road - where I then get back to the ... 'this struggle right here'; Where the answer usually ends up being that its going down the
same road, 'even more' - which I however can only maintain for 'so long' until I just don't care and spend my time doing something;
Watching Videos, playing Games, writing ... Coding. Practically in that order of priorities.
That then gets to a point where I'm drawn towards sexual stuff again, and prying myself off of that is usually associated to stress.
So the question then is: What is me? Is it only this tiny bubble in my head that is ... or is it the rest that feels 'this sexual
reality'?
So, it seems like I am confused by my own reality. One that I vividly described in the past. #collared.
You could say that these images represent my body that is taking over my mind, but the "struggle" begins in my heart, where the resistence
to it creates a stressful feeling. And I don't really know how to deal with that yet. It comes down to what I'm doing once I pry myself
off from writing this stuff - and essentially I think that the only reason why I'm writing this at all is because its an open tab I want
to resolve and be done with things for a while.
In the idea there were now this room that is protected from the outside world, wherein I could draw my stuff without it ever being seen
by the outside world. And the struggle is basically now about the notion of getting rid of 'that' table. And yea, maybe it just had to be
a Satellite instead of the center.
These images now, they are all about the facial expression, which to me goes with saying - its not so funny anymore, yet, the image to the
right in that frame/context provides comfort. Expresses some state wherein I experience comfort; Relative to the others.
So far I dealt with these things by continuing to write about them - while, for now ... things will mostly come down to ... a future where
I'm taking hormones and ... stuff ... . So, ... don't know. But the general idea is clear: I have to focus more on my personal depravation
- and that in a way that ... 'works'. Thats however what this ... "voice" ... pointed out at some point; And is pretty much what I'm
coming down to here. So, that could be said about that 'table' - that instead of a green, there had to be a purple ... blankett ... on top
of it; To say ... I have to start with my sexuality driven ideas first.
And maybe go a step further and focus on the self-depriving ... specifics. Like, its logic ... .
//20:30