Missing Footages : The Slutty side of things

Treating myself

Well yea - its important. I generally start feeling ... well, like pushed into a corner or stuck into really uncomfortable positions or clothing ... when I get to write about things that generally ... neglect my ... "other side". "Sorry" - (deal with it).
To write about it, I write about it!


Well, first of all - to be fair and open and honest about it - clearly: How much of that I can be depends on the thoughts on my mind at the time being. The more I wrote, the more is 'off the list' - thus - eventually ... I'll get to explain things better and better - depending on your perspective.

For now that is: What really matters to me first of all is how I feel about myself. Wrong start? Lets try this again!



I haven't smoked weed in a while, ... and as usual certain 'but's to my "general image" have occured to me; And as usual I would go on and 'debunk' them.

But whats the point? I can already 'hear you "scream"' (sigh) - you practically going like, well, you know where this is going and ... so ... whats the point here? Effectively ... I've written a far larger thing so far ... and as it stands I'm probably not going to finish it and yet there were a few relevant items in there. So ... here a link to it. Maybe I'll get to finish and integrate it properly; But that then. Right now I only want to get this stuff out there.



What stopped me from continuing there is just that argument. Why ... keep bothering? And really ... at some point its just a feels thing. How I feel about it, myself, how I'm looked at - thought about - understood as/for - but then really just some ... case of me feeling ... well. Its like ... wearing High Heels. Either you wear them because you feel fine in them, or you wear them because you think it makes you more appealing to men. The ones will generally feel better wearing high heels ... and the others will just bitch about who the hell invented them.

So, ... "may I?" ... sidestep my identity? You know ... me being that Mind Controlled Sex Slave that is compelled to only further her own deprivation, ... based on which I really couldn't ... no matter how much I wanted to ... tell you anything contrary.


Yet now we've had it with Destiny ... and in general I've come to think about my time, what I expected for my future ... and while in general I come to think of these things in some way, once I get to write about them I get to think about them in a totally different way. Saying: I apparently really ... can't ... or ... 'may not'.
But what does that mean?


It first of all means enough on the side of ...



Error



Some while ago my male fantasies have been rekindled - and that did really grow well on some gained appreciation for having that amount of freedom which I have. Saying: Nobody being there to demand my time - and if there is someone, it just really ends up disturbing me. I would want to go to bed at ... lets say ... 9 a.m., or sooner, ... maybe 6, ... but because of some appointment I have to somehow crunch some sleep into it, or end up being a mess. And sure - the time I spend in Destiny also does add up to that. Getting really into the mood of some programming would require me to think away my Playstation - yet ... I also would require peace from writing other stuff. So I might be programming right now - but ... I'm really not feeling it at this point.

Somewhere along those lines I got depressed in Destiny. Obviously its just a game - and building my life around it just won't do it for me.

On another note - I so didn't smoke weed or commit to this topic for some time; I gave into that rekindling fantasies - and the twist ain't really new - just that it once again didn't happen while I was writing. So, instead of me going through that transition while I'm writing and then being kindof all surprised about what I find ... its kindof different. Its ... "old school".


So - I'm a slut. That is as simple as it gets. If I can get that point accross ... that really synergizes with me feeling well. But ... what does that mean? I mean - a lot of my troubles regarding this topic are ... something round about how exactly ... I would define the term. Ordinarily, I am sure, the term is a Label for a person with certain properties ... behaviour and habits. Eventually one would then extrapolate some Character therefrom - and more often than not I'm feeling ... odd. So, from my perspective there is that image that you (the collective) create; Which is then imposed onto me - to my attention - in a way that makes me then "sit" there "as though" I were to fit into something that I'm not.


So - lets go 'primitive'. There is a feeling that I associate to 'feeling well' - and it comes with certain properties. So, as always - once you're feeling well you do so because of reasons. Maybe because there is some good music that resonates with you; Or you just have accomplished something great, or you're having a fun time with your hobby. Whatever. There is though a certain constellation of things ... like a symbol in the Matrix ... or an arrangement of symbols connected by lines that would make up another, 'higher' symbol; So - an intellectual configuration of some kind ... which sortof ... 'arranges' things in a way that resonates with you. As Hannibal from the A-Team puts it: "I love it when a plan works out" (or whatever it is in english).
I'm not Hannibal. I don't "like" making plans because I generally do not have any. I maybe think things through before I do them; I even depend on that. My room for instance is a mess - usually - and one reason I don't like cleaning up is because ... its a challenge of its own. So I like to wait until I have some idea of where to start and where to end - and then I just do it. That however isn't a plan. Not to me and not in that sense.

Regarding my 'male position' I would kick this off by point out that I don't really 'feel' all that attractive; And that certainly changes ... what kind of a slut I am. If I felt attractive I'd really have an easier time of utilizing those assets to me slutty ambitions. At this point in time my appearances, to me, however have the opposite effect. I rather shy away from ... calling myself a slut - yet admitting to the fact that I "were" is one way to 'tap into' my slutty self.

And that also entails all the more primitive aspects of it. So for this there is so far that 'vanity' aspect. Ignoring that, there however is nudity, an attitude regarding my body, how to 'live' with it - and that is one thing. Another side is the slave part. Which is similar - but ... I don't want to overcomplicate this right now.


So, writing this - "slapping those labels onto me" - this 'behaviour' or 'habit' is ... generally ... a part of that. The 'shackles of slavery' come in as I'm compelled to doing so - "tied into" feeling well this way. And the emphasis is on 'well'. Its that feeling of comforting nudity as opposed to uncomfortable clothing. Like putting off those sweaty socks. Whatever works for you. Getting rid of all the weight; Them burdains.

As in that state I'm already setup to feel well in that situation, my life really is a thing between my mind and my body - to say - there are those things that resonate with that feeling, my mind perceives them - feels well in consequence - which again influences how I relate to that. Now, depending on what were on my mind ... or stuff ... there would every now and then be those moments where my mind just wouldn't resonate with that. So - in the simplest case that happens to me regularly as I'm writing this or enjoying some unsexual thing ... like Stargate. But in simplicity its me just writing stuff - with sex being as far off my mind as it could possibly be. The difference between then and then is that "in the slut reality" I'm in a fixed setup where all I care about is Sex. If I'm not in that state - anything that related to it is kindof off. It takes some time for my mind to adjust - but, that is already a thing. It ... 'can' ... adjust ... to it, from just in about every situation. I however not always 'like' it. So for instance when in a formal public environment.
So, as of my male self.


However - I didn't throw that in as a thing that mattered to me, but as a comparison. So, me compared to 'someone who ...'. So, where there were some relevant motivation to do other stuff. Then I really wouldn't want to have Sex. As per my desires that are connected to my well-feeling however; There is no alternative. This so to the point that I wouldn't bother being cut down to may just my torso - since - in some sense my limbs don't really add a lot to the joy. Wearing a collar can work representative for the other stuff. And hence - in my dreamy desires I prolong ... such darkness. And hence I always get to cut everything short that I might write - by simply stressing that this kind of stuff were 'ultimately' what I consider 'true fortune'.


Hence there is no point in sidestepping that, hypothesizing about any plausible alternative - since - the real issue at hand is the desire to have none! Forever! And this is why I don't have any real attachment to anything in my current life - and even more so a desire to be 'redeemed' from them!
Yet - all that comes to an end once I think about my body. My looks. Or so - my ... "desired" attractivity. Which ... doesn't matter because ... ultimately ... ugliness ... also works ... for a slut ... for as long as there are perverts that kindof are into it ... or however ... turned on ... by whatever I ... look alike!
This would follow the argument that I ... as much as I am bound into these things ... would require the assets as given by God to live in them. So - its inevitable that I'm attractive in some way. And considering the things I want to be done to me - its possibly even desirable ... that I'm not too pretty!

Now is this not to take away from any love or respect or tenderness I would need - though kindof saying that ... there is a twist to them, regarding ... what I feel as ... tender and respectful love.

In other words does my ugliness emphasize the slave aspect since I'm less free to feel myself on my own; Yet have to be forced into it instead.



Missing Pragmatism

CNS.2017.09.24|15:37