the definition of a man

So - this goes way back. Way back to the beginning of my Career as a freshly Unified/Enlightened person. So, to draw out the context: 2005. March the 5th was my baptism. Somewhere approaching Summer Unification. Then somewhere around October, ... J.Lo became important; For ... something short to 4 years to come.

That is to say that she was pretty important to me. Not personally though. She ... at that time ... just made the most logical sense for me. I had some insights, 'a message' if you so will; And round about me things didn't go so well. There was that crush I was having - to whom I had written a lot of letters. And at that time she was the one person that came to my mind to share my findings with. No response. I tried to talk to my family as they tried to talk me out of it. None of us succeeded. I had this friend - Jona. He seemed to dig it; But ... fortune obviously/apparently had meant it another way.

To that - there's a lot of crazy in the background; Speaking of the situation as a whole. So I had that one friend, Jona, whom I consider as a real friend. Not intensely deep. Just some dude from the Neighbourhood I from time to time chilled out with - and basically me weed supplier at that time. I didn't smoke all that much. He though was as real of a friend as I had. Which to me still is rather distant. Its funny. I have another friend, Karim, whom I met in school. Later it turned out that not only were he and Jona friends, Jona also knew my Sister. So - small world. Karim - to put it into perspective - was going to the same school as I did, being in the parallel class; And I've been ... in that school for like 7 month. And yea, we got friends. As ... school friendships go. Some month or years later we bumped into each other every now and again - and ... when that happens and both are cool - that to me is friendship. So, nothing melodramatic.
None of them were friends I hung out with every day. I was in another clique in another town - or two cliques actually - where that happened. Going out in the streets, hanging out, smoking weed. Priority from last to first. Those were friends too - but the bonding factor was mostly weed. And I'm reluctant to put them on par with Jona or Karim although I most certainly spent more time with them because ... well ... issues. Issues ... well ... mature people wouldn't cause. I'm sure I can't throw them all into one pot either - but the main villains in the story are those that had been closest to me.

There is only one story to really tell though. A series of events. First there was this girl I had a crush on. She wasn't from the hood - she was the daughter of a friend of my mum; And that doesn't matter at first. (I'm sure I told this story already). So - there's Alex. I spent a lot of time with him, we had some great times I guess - and so one evening it was just him and me, we got high, he got out of the room while I was about to leave. Then he sat down and started to tell me that he isn't Alex but that he's an Angel. I don't know why I wasn't freaked out. So - the gist of what he told me was some prophecy - and the gist of that was that this girl and I would come together. He planted a "trigger seed" in me. Thats ... important. I so had forgotten that that ever happened - and one time I was zapping through the Channels - and that seed he planted was a sequence of TV Channels. (Sure, this ... is quite ... deep for y'ar ordinary prank. I don't know if there is any official science on this planet that is even close to that level of practical insight into human psychology. Which by the way - when getting any deeper into this I have to warn you from hanging around with certain people too much). So, the way Alex spoke to me was ... I can't piece it together anymore. What mattered is the context that stuck however. Number 1: She and I would get laid. "Yay!". Number 2: Well - thats the problem. The 'when' is really not precise. There is no when. The only thing associated to a 'when' was that sequence of Channels. And I'm not even sure if it was the right one. Zapping however triggered that memory; And because the memory had been washed out - it only triggered the 'promise', basically, getting me into an "Any time now" mode. Which lasted ... for more than a year I guess.
Another thing that happened around that time was someone calling us on the phone; And the person on the other end I guess was the girl I had a crush on; But she didn't say that it was her. She spoke of herself as a friend of her or something. However - she also planted some seeds. I was again somewhat paralized and listened to the talk - and again I barely remember any of it. I remember looking at my comic collection. I think she spoke to me about it to ... basically give me some supernatural vibe. So, like, "How does she know whats in my shelf?". Its obvious! But my mind didn't really care I guess. Anyhow - that conversation was forgotten soon thereafter. She however also talked positive about my future and she also planted a seed. The movie: Kids. So - surprise surprise - one day my Brother came home with a VHS tape of Kids, we watched it, and now ... well ... "any time now".

So - this roughly lines out what situation I've been in. And sure - it and I wasn't normal! Day in and day out I returned home expecting her to be there. "Surprise!". Well, it never happened. I don't really know why I forgot about the whole thing and still had a crush on her. I guess ... its the desire to believe. Or the inability to let go. Or a mixture of that and whatever.
So I was surrounded by people that didn't or couldn't properly connect to me - and so I was basically on my own. So ... now what?

What happened was totally beyond any of my friends and "friends" to influence. I went to a Media Store, from some inner impulse, and browsed through some CDs; And I had been a fan of J.Lo ... somehow ... though, one part of that was just juvenile ... so, speaking of the J.Lo poster on the door of my room; And the other part was just MTV. So ... however ... that time I was sortof compelled to listen a bit closer and I bought the J.Lo album. That ... first big one. I listened to it, reflected about my life - and I don't know. The whole 'time' ... was like a slope. I had written to her just randomly at some point. I ... maybe it was triggered/inspired by a dream. Whatever. I had no real reason to. While listening to her music though ... and thinking about stuff ... (which was after that first letter I wrote I guess) ... a certain idea came together. It was really far fetched at first though. "Ain't it Funny" all of a sudden seemed like a secret message; Saying something along the lines of: "I'm waiting for a dude" ... #ifyouhadmylove. "Accidentally" I was looking for a way to go; And she had some Christian tunes ... so, that into the pot. It made sense, at the very least, to look into that direction. Celebrities. They had influence, ... and ... "background". I mean - what made them them - plus famous, successful and all that - from a believers perspective - can be seen as 'not without purpose'. They were all human beings that somehow ended up on top; And thinking of songs like 'X' (Xibit); There is a way of extending the "I'm waiting for a dude" to something larger. Lets say: "The Legend of X". So, X being a codename for "that dude". And it sortof all lined up. Being curious I bought another J.Lo album. Now no longer J.Lo but "still" Jenny from the Block ... apparently ... thats the Album 'this is me ... then'. If there was any credit to my assumption, so I rationalized, there should be an album dedicated to that thing. So, her writing an Album for the dude she was waiting for. And 'this is me ... then' has it all. Jenny from the Block most prominently kicking those "I'm a believer" tunes - and the booklet ... so ... there is Ben. What Ben? "Ben Afflek of course!". There are a bunch of lines directed at certain people in that booklet. One is 'Ben' ... a.k.a. 'her' 'definition of a man' - which is odd because I thought they broke up and ... OK, I don't know who broke up with whom; But ... "mark it as strange". Then there is B.O.B.. An apprently brother like highly supportive person. Now, take the Nas Logo and flip it 180 degrees. Can you read 'Ben' there? OK, how does Nas connect to me? I was a Nasirite! (4th Moses 6). Matter of fact - that time was pretty significant for me and my spiritual journey that had gotten me to that point. So ... in that sense ... I'm not 'Nas' ... but ... kindof. So, flip it around and you got 'Ben'. With B.O.B. then being "Brother of Ben" ... a.k.a. Nas.


So, consider my situation - and this outlook was just perfect in every way. With that little bit of "who laughs last laughs best" type of "Juicy revenge" sortof thing going on. By the time I had bought 'this is me ... then' I already had some deeper feelings for her; But I was aware of my past and hence sortof reluctant to be on board with me. 'this is me ... then' changed that. So I wrote another letter - and I did put a lot of effort into it. I bough thick paper, colored them with watercolor, ... basically painting a rainbow. The first page was mostly purple - so, I kept a color theme for each page. I used ink to copy my letter over onto that, drew some figures onto paper - cut them out - glued them on ... and in that I basically told her what I was about and more specifically addressed what I thought were her concerns. I also decorated the envelope, ... and up to this day I think this is the one single very best Love Letter ever devised! I had written some decorative stuff onto it, in a set of Characters I invented (basically a mix between hebrew and greek); And I wondered if she could decrypt them. If you knew the basics of Greek and Hebrew - that should be relatively easy.
It didn't take long, in hindsight it maybe happened too quick, that some other album came out. "Intensive Care" - where the 'R' and the 'WOUV' are prominently featured in those glyphs reading the artists initials.

So yea ... 'cool' ... I guess. Though ... why ... like this?


Anyhow ... this is the story to the Headline. Thinking: So - if there is something to this X prophecy; Then I got to be the definition of a man - since thats apparently how God teased me to her. But well.


Another part of the story is that "hysterical woman appearing at our doorsteps" story. So I had a dream about a woman and waking up I had some ... fire burning for her. I wanted to meet her - I wanted ... well, that was new and it kindof made me forget about whomever I had a crush on at that time. That should concern the first girl I had a crush on - as that was the time - and the door bell rang. So there was this woman or girl in company of another one and she told me that I'm not a man, she seemed pissed, and then was off yelling something about doing more evil now than ever before and marrying ... Mark Anthony?

I mean - I'm sure I didn't hallucinate that. It doesn't make sense though. For it to make sense, she a) had to know what had happened inside of me just that morning. Which is kindof how I feel now too - I mean, that I'm not alone. God is constantly here - and some other people that are cool with him that got nothing better to do but to be concerned about me might be taken in. Whatever. I don't really know. Then she had like ... 2 hours? ... tops ... to make it from the States to Germany. And she didn't look like J.Lo either. I thought: "Who the hell ...?". And I think this was well before the 'this is me ... then' album.

To me, for the most part, the case is clear. She got obsessed over some interpretation of what God gave her and then simply over reacted as something happened that didn't fit her. What didn't fit her? I suppose that girl I dreamt of wasn't her - and ... I don't know. I think I later than however met that woman. Fell in Love with her - made out with her - we didn't have Sex - we parted - I still Love her - but its strange. There are many forms of Love!

So, by the time I had 'caught up to it' and wrote that letter; I in hindsight - as this 'hysterical woman' thing came back to my memory - believe that this older J.Lo wasn't really waiting for me positively anymore. Rather so in spite. Demanding to be ... "begged for forgiveness" in a sense. So - I had to do the work to "proove I'm worthy of her". And so one single letter wouldn't do. And no! It wasn't perfect either! While copying my letter onto the colored pages I made a mistake, so I had to stroke out a few words. And yea - you possibly ... get that I don't see why I should be invested into that woman. I guess she was there as I waited in JFK Airport - but then my mistake was that I didn't right away recognize her, jumping up and kissing someone who might also just be a perfect stranger. She didn't do anything - and again just left me ... clueless.


Whatever. Its a mindfuck.


Its ironic how I'm supposed to be the definition of a man, but should act like a pussy nonetheless! Fun story: While I was in L.A. there came a moment where I was bothered. It seemed to me like she might not be whom I expected her to be. Or "worse": That she might be whom I feared her to be. So I prayed. I wanted to know stuff - sortof asking for ... some more tangible information. And so there was this guy who occasionally hung around Pershin Square ... who potentially just preyed on me and at some point tried to talk me into sex ... but he wasn't ... offensive about it. Hanging around, establishing contact, offering cigarettes or inviting me to Carls Jr. - that sortof stuff. Being friends somehow. And a no was a no! No problem! So - after that prayer he was the guy who delivered the lines to me according to which she had something like 40 Lovers, being "all over the place" sortof, while apparently really in Love with her guy. So - yea. I guess ... that spelled "too late" for me. Well, whatever!
From nothing to nothing. Just a ... really weird chain of events based on basically nothing happening at all.


But it didn't end. In one of my letters I then came to express some of my fetishes - but that is another story. What I wanted to get at with this is that it apparently wasn't 'too late' per se. But ... anyhow. I'm past all of that now. "GG"




What is a man? (A miserable pile of flesh ^^ or however (Dracula - some Castlevania game)). I mean - first of all: Chances are that a) this "you're the definition of a man" line is a hoax, as after all, this hysterical woman yelled that I'm 'not' a man. So the question is more about what a man is to her - and that would seem to be whatever suits her.
But yea - I try to be a good person; And because I'm physiologically male ... that basically translates into trying to be a good guy. A hero. A Hero needs purpose - and as I've found it - I've been in. No questions asked. No whining about my fate and all that! (I hate that when it happens in movies!). I guess I had a phase of denial - but that was conscious. A conscious step away from Christianity to be more open for learning other stuff. To eventually come back to it. "Or whatever". Who can tell? What did I 'know'?

I try to step up for people in need if I can help - I am, or try to be, a Gentleman - but so am extremely lacking in the "digging on chicks" department. Which basically underlines the Gentleman in me. I would prefer to find love in an environment that isn't best compared to a zoo of wild animals! And I'm not sure if I really like women that need their guys to be ... that. I mean - all that courting ... its a useless skill if you're looking for something more profound. Which basically spells out that I'm a 'Looser'.

So yea; I ... thought I did fit her bill. What else is a man? Crafty? Humorous? Self-Confident? Sensitive? Liking fancy cars? "More power!"? I'd say I'm good in all those departments - ... where ultimately the main thing that I lack is 'testosterone' ... sotospeak. So ... I'm no Johnny Bravo! Last time I was at 47 kilograms (on 1:83 meters) - and that was about 3 month ago. I'm about to get into therapy. So ... physiology is my problem. And what would I so expect from a woman? To be the other half of the equasion! To give me strength where I lack it. To deal with my flaws. And it ain't much! And who knows? A little more love might translate into some more weight on my rips! I barely know how it feels to be loved! I think I can't handle it!
So, what else makes a man? Independence? Self-sufficiency?
I'm certainly no "Hunk" of a man - to say ... genetically I'm definitely not the ideal. And I don't identify as a man either. Even if taking the male side. I'm still a boy. Yet, ... what are we trying to do? We're not in the beginning anymore. Procreation doesn't matter - only ... Sex for the fun!

I'm compassionate, understanding, ... smart. I'm probably too much! My flaw? I take 'pride' in being a/the Hero!


But yea - Monica Bellucci was there too. In LA. I think. Or - some 'yet unknown' figure floating above the cot I was resting on ... invisible, but visible to my inner eye. Well - really weird shit happened to me over the course of time - and a lot of bad shit. I mean - objectively I should have an easy time believing in miracles - but factually that is burried underneath negative expectations.
Makes me wonder: What if J.Lo hadn't bitched out? She probably would have learned what else she had to know - and however. Its not that I'm thinking Monogamous by now anyway.

So, can I now not be a woman?
I've always wanted to be one. Perhaps thats the main reason why I can't label myself as a man; Despite my 33 years of age. But yea, 33 is ... arguably still young!
And while 66 is already old - 99 is too; And thats another 33 years on top of that!

There were times where I could see myself as a husband and a father, having a family. Then as J.Lo was the main star of my Universe - I genuinely thought differently about it. I wasn't concerned of a far future - but the situation and challenges at hand. By which I mean those that were at hand 'once' she had gotten her ass over to me! Not all of that nonsensical idiocracy of ... who or what a man is or should do and what not.


The reason why Monica is still a thing for me is as I've mentioned at some points due to my "emotional response" to her. So - I have peace. Most importantly. I have no ill craving, I don't feel 'blinded' by the promise, ... and that she isn't here either ... thats nothing strange! I mean - its nothing new! Its normal! And the way I "feel" ... its going to be that way forever. Nobody does or will ever care, I will live a miserably life and vanish into oblivion ... having been maybe the grandest failure of all time!

Thats the other side! I don't see any point or purpose to my life or my doing - the only thing I'm not yet is 'being cynical' about what I'm doing; And in this surge of irrelevance I haven't only found peace but also pleasure in being a bitch/whore. Its ... good ... to be irrelevant! Which is "the weird part". Being relevant is like saying that I can't be that - so I 'wished' that I wasn't!

Is that bad?
For what reason if not your inability to abstraction?

I mean: "easy to miss": 'this right here' isn't 'having given up'. Well, if I have no readers this sure looks that way. And maybe it is that way. I write ... and that mostly because I'm used to it. And I can process my thoughts more effectively. It doesn't feel wrong either! It just feels ... pointless sometimes. So at times when I'm not writing and am just all in all miserable.
And so ... 'basically' ... I don't understand my life!
I don't understand!


And seriously: I'm not really curious for anything anymore. My main concern right now is that I hope that Dragons Dogma is fun. And other than that ... I'm cheering for Hero to win at Blizzcon and thats pretty much it.
"Closing my Tabs".


I'm moodie, I'm pissed, I'm unhappy, ... and I have 'zero' motivation to do anything useful. Probably burned out. Since ... quite some time. Should have sought for therapy much sooner. And unless God really doesn't want it - I'm going to be a woman; Thats for sure!

And now I'm having another identity crisis. It isn't much of a real crisis though. The problem may be that there is no way to "transgenderize" me here - because - all of those 'male traits' might as well just be gender neutral! What gives them a male Character were my Biology, nothing else; And that isn't really me. Its just something of an automaton.




Perpetual Demise

CNS.2017.10.12|15:09


18 hours later. So - noticed something? My life was shit - then there was J.Lo, it was supposed to get better, maybe - but actually things got worse. At the bottom of it all I "had to prostitute myself" - and I always thought that makes a great argument. Not in all seriousness - but - yea. Things went up for me since then, by the way.


And yea - sure, whats the point? I just had to realize that all of this feels like it never happened. And I'm sure people are going to take those feelings for facts too! There though still are traces here and there - but ... not really of any connection. Well yea - that because there wasn't any!
But you might tell: "OK" and "something happened" and ... thats it!


I don't mean to whine here - I just mean to say that it sucked. So, whining it is! And yea, why not! There is whining and there is whining. And there is perception. Things aren't always fair - we aren't always perfect - bla and stuff. Whatever.

Is it important? Maybe not! It possibly isn't. ... ... //06:54




I do need Porn to focus. I just realized. (Weird start by the way). There are some things I want to get out of the way - and I was going to write about them but words just wouldn't come to my mind and the more I tried to even just figure what I had on mind just previously the more these items vanished.

So - as simple as it gets, I have a metaphor. If you could flash a light at my head to project that whats going on in my mind onto a wall [...]. The very first thing I got to say is that once I'm by myself I get to the answer that you wouldn't see anything about Kink or Sexuality. So - either just in general or when specifically looking for what my interests are, or my agenda. And I guess you can see that part of me active here and there. When however holding the light from another direction you might see the other side.

And how the two things combine or connect is ... complicated. Its complicated for me.

Another thing for instance was or is, that I get to think about what people think about me; And ... well, there is this idea that I don't really mean what I'm writing ... I'm not sure about the details ... but anyhow ... the point is that it makes perfect sense to say it that way. So much, that I would dare go on pretending that thats right and has been how I meant it all along; But ... thats untrue. Kindof.
The thing is that in essence I do write stuff I'm totally convinced about that I totally mean the way I put them - and am thereby effectively in the wrong 'although' there is a way of going about it that isn't that wrong. You know what I'm trying to say?

The Kindof is to say that I "sure" think there is some caution to be had about what I write, but that rather due to my own biases. Its minor. God may have His intentions that I don't need to know about. And so I'll effectively continue as before; And that because those are my views.


What my views are - in my oppinion - is that they are extreme. Perhaps exaggerated extrapolations of basic stuff - things that in principle aren't evil despite their appearances or a nearly unexistent to what I would consider as effectively evil. Where again: My position there isn't a hypothetical one.

Which means, for instance: If there were a case of Pedophilia that I had to judge or comment upon, you can tell already that I'm inherantly compelled to take a more sympathetic stance regarding the Pedophile. But ... justice doesn't work that way! Justice isn't about whether or not the act you committed is hypothetically defensible - it is about whether or not you have comitted a crime. I'm an "old school" Christian and I take the 'do not judge' part rather seriously (and I so am somewhat concerned of how the trends are slandering off of that) - but; OK. Child Abuse, the bad stuff, to me is once the naivity, "stupidity", unconsciousness, ... 'weakness', of a child is being exploited for personal gain. I mean - that is what 'abuse' means. And - so the idea: If you can't keep yourself under control; I don't matter - 'we' as a people have to realize that you have to be "secured".

And so for the most part what I'm trying to say is that things aren't as black and white as the/a Law would require them to be!


But so - inevitably I have to confess that my perception of the future was skewed. When speaking of my sexual concerns then yea - all I've written so far is spot on. So with Snuff. The end point to that is that acknowledging or embracing it 'satisfy' my need to find that thing that silences my inner urge to dig deeper or be more accurate ... and thats true. I mean - the next day I felt good about it. Kindof. On one side however. On another side, not so much. Not in a way that needs me to take back what I wrote. And I think that is one of the more important issues. There is no taking any of that back - as far as I'm concerned. However - how to connect those things to real life ... is possibly a perfectly separate issue.

So speaking of my future for instance. There totally is a side of me that perhaps feels even better when ignoring/neglecting all I wrote of it in a sexual context. Except ... well. And here is how those things unfold: The first thing were that its private. Whore doesn't mean prostitute as we know it today but is more something of a social role played in an intimate/private environment. And depending on how we develop, those private streams may grow to be more and more public. And on and on and we're in a situation where reality would be pretty close to the esoteric plane. "Stupid me" wants that to be sooner rather than later, and "Smart me" ... well, has to sigh because its complicated. The thing is that "Stupid me" is right and good - and it puts things the way they 'should be'. A.k.a. "yes I would want to die" - and "Smart me" isn't capable of resolving all the problems that had to be resolved as far as 'development' goes.
So in the right and wrong mindset: Stupid me isn't wrong! Just stupid when it gets to thinking about the future. And thats the point. If you think its wrong, you are wrong. Or mistaken. Saying that its wrong meant that there are no people like me for instance. If by saying that its wrong you meant that doing certain things is wrong, or OKing them, then ... thats a mistake also; But it isn't perfectly wrong. It is ... in my oppinion ... a primitive (underdevelopped) way of expressing your concerns regarding our fortune as a whole; Where in the big picture your stance may yet be the more correct one. Saying that me and people like me were in the minority.

Its wrong to say that we don't exist and that the things that define us shouldn't be! How we connect and socialize is a separate thing; And ... how you or I think about it may be perfectly wrong! I mean - what are we talking about? "In all simplicity" we're just talking about the simplest of all factors. Those that we can safely talk about, or imply, impose - ... and there I speak of my concerns in defense against whatever you imply or impose in a way that you aren't qualified for.
Talking of Child Abuse for instance. Would I? I once wrote: Yes - but the thing is; Its not that simple. First of all am I not a Pedophile; I'm the Child. Next - if some parent entrusted his/her kids to me - I wouldn't dare! Thats totally beyond me. Just as in any other circumstance I wouldn't; Although this is where things get a bit edgy. The idea is: Where's the line between abuse and love? Isn't parenting all about making decisions 'for' children because they can't make them on their own?
So - these are ideological concerns. For you to digest. There has to be no 'OK' coming from your end - and on my end; Well - there really isn't an OK either.

The thing between stupid me and smart me is a thing there. And that is a thing about what we expect; Thinking of the future. So - thinking about a vote; That is already ... there is something fishy about that. I have this image that leads to an understanding which is all in all yet rather subjective. Its an issue about 'asking for permission'; Where the point is that objectively 'we' don't need 'your' permission. If we wanna do something and its OK - we might be hiding it and God would support it and you wouldn't ever know! And so its complicated. There is no 'group' yet; Neither do I think we should think of it that way. Whats going to happen when focussing on Clarity is that all sorts of stuff is going to surface regardless on how we connect with whom individually. And as with me - people will know who they are; Before God; And once reaching a critical mass there is no 'objective' way to try and change someone.
That means that thereby people will start to socialize and in my circles we're going to have kinky Sex! Over time this will become more and more 'cultural'. So, rather than thinking of a rave party we're thinking of Churches - for instance. Its ... in ... "feely" terms a matter of hot and cold. Cold is when you're in an environment that is internally alien to you and to get to people that you like being with you had to travel some inconvenient distance while the thing there wouldn't ... "work out" all that well although in the beginning it'd be better than what has been nonetheless.
At those later points - whatever I am now isn't going to matter anymore. By then - so the asumption - the bulk of the heavy lifting had been done and we'd be moving on to actually cashing in the benefits. Its like returning to 'the old life' except that nobody wants to return to the way how things were before.

So - what I would do or otherwise support happening isn't Child Abuse - because it isn't abuse. You might perceive it as abuse - and that is part of the struggle. But that isn't an issue yet because we don't have any actual pedophiles speaking out yet. I can only somehow speak for them; As the other side. And how OKing pedophilia might ever become a thing ... I mean, is more likely a gradual than a sudden shift!


My Spine tells me that I'm a Queen. And maybe ... probably ... there is only one because there is only one King. So it makes sense to respect me that way - to want me to fill that function; And that is a concern of 'smart me'. As it also stands against what stupid me is all about.
At the very least is it an overarching idea to ... 'celebrate' ... the revlation and getting things done or whatever. Its a thing I've been waiting for ... since ... it seemed like it could be a thing. Maybe not as queen - but as ... whatever I was back then. I never wanted to be rich or famous. Getting in touch with J.Lo was a practical thing. And I guess that is an issue where J.Lo and I may be fundamentally different. I mean ... there are people that value money over anything and she might just be one of them; Where everything is just a show revolving around their glamour. Not to say that glamour is a bad thing or a thing I wouldn't want - but, lets put it that way: The whole story round about J.Lo fundamentally changed how I thought about celebrities - and that not to the better!

My life was screwed - then the J.Lo thing happened. 12 years ago. Yea sure - it could be worse! But then - I could do even less! And that would beat the point! So ... I'm 'privileged' in many ways - but that doesn't stop your ignorance from affecting me negatively.

Yet in hindsight I can be glad that things turned out this way! And so - regarding that; If things had turned out 'that' way; Then it would have been alright. So, different hyperboly here. Then J.Lo might have been someone who now is someone else. So - she's too late for that - and so - she missed her opportunity to be part of my "body". So - a classic fairy tale. Like Indiana Jones 3. A.k.a.: Pick the shoddy cup, not the golden one!


So I can't complain - I guess. But I do. Just because things happened the way they happened doesn't say that it couldn't have been better. And thats the point. If there hadn't been a war ever - that'd be objectively better. And if peoples stupidity is foreseeable - that doesn't make it less stupid!
Its as the whole story with the cursed tree in the Quran. When it gets to all the bad stuff that has been prophecied, I figure the bad folks responsible would defend themselves: "But it has been prophecied". While else being inherantly defiant to anything that is from God. Why not defy those prophecies?

Whatever. I'm sure this wasn't the last word on that!


I mean ... it bothers me. So - ... I also think it bothers you. It is a big point if we want to understand what kind of God we're dealing with. Does He make them do those things? Or disallow them from doing other things? Just for the sake of it? Do they have free will? It might also be more complicated than that. ... It may have all been foreseeable - though not entirely without being influenced. So far, one thing I've "noticed" is that Antichristians seem to be ... well ... pretty ... silly. I mean - our prime example here were some YouTuber who took some criticism the wrong way and despite talking about common sense all the time did proof to have none of it whatsoever and went on into exaggerated outrage instead. I sometimes feel like they look at everything I do as an offense. For some time that didn't make sense to me. I thought they'd be smarter. But anyhow. I think its better to not think in these terms. We can go on not thinking about Antichristians at all. Ignoring - as they might want it - that they exist. This way, I think, we avoid the risk of underestimating them; Or thinking too much into certain things. I mean - the moment you don't have objective data, well, things go downhill.


Perfect example:
My stand on this matter is with Cenk. But that isn't against Chris. The whole matter is an issue of people missing each others points, in a way. Cenks point however is: Sam 'does' promote Islamophobia - period. Does he have legitimate reasons and concerns? Sure! But when considering what the takeaway from Sams talking points should be, for an audience, its pretty much that Noam Chomsky isn't a cool guy and that we should nuke the shit out of Islamic states. And I can relate to being in that position! And without people like him voicing their concerns, we wouldn't have a discussion that could have the consequence of taking a drastically different way!

I however have a disagreement with Sams point on that Islamistic States are inherantly suicidal. There are two ways I can extend on that. One is to argue that Islam isn't suicidal. Suicide Bombing is suicidal - but it doesn't happen on 'cost' of the own country. It has the purpose of fighting their idea of evil. The other one is to say that the people that do the fighting are just Pawns that the higher ups exploit for some perverted reason.

So - who's the bad guy here?
I mean - it is after all not unthinkable that some leader of some nation might be suicidal; And that isn't exclusive to Islam but ... radical Islam has a stronger tendency of promoting that. Yet ... a small reminder to "not drink the cool aid" - Islam isn't the only religion that promotes/promoted suicide!

The bad guy were who actively sought to do bad things - and so my closing statement on that has to be: For as long as we can talk about these things without actually blowing us all into the afterlife ... there isn't any harm done!


The main problem with Antichristians is that they make God and thereby me/'us' to their enemy; And the big question there is: Why? I then get the vibe that they are upset that if we do it its OK but if they do it it isn't. Stuff like that. And thats already where I'm lost, basically. How to argue? And so the answer to the indirectly unasked but inevitable question is: Determination!




a Rape Slave.2017-10-13 13:30