Left, Right and Center vs. Facts

OK - so, a lot is going through my head - and as I can't really get my head wound up about anything - and so come to relax and watch things passing by - I realize there isn't a use to. Its 1) too much and 2) too passing. Eventually you'll figure your own way out or did effectively already do so - so, I at the very least don't feel too stressed about it. A bit tense - but ... yea, well, anway.




Facts - ... thats a thing. Its kindof weird, but, first line of confidence is that: Whether you are a believer or not, fundamentally speaking, you should both be able to agree with each other that both your concerns are about 'Facts'. If you can't, the other one takes the cup, evidently - and the only real reason to get heated up about something if there's a fact that should really make us all anxious to listen to what you have to say there.

But Facts is, I feel, where believers loose most unbelievers - and that possibly is about the point where we're fed a doctrine. This isn't as much 'Conspiracy Theory' as much as simple, hard-boiled psychology. See, if you're a believer you're already part of something greater, the 'whole' of all those that consider themselves to be believers; And that whole makes up something that isn't particularly ... balanced, in a sense. There is no clear 'one ruling authority' - while thats what we would expect any of those Gods to be. Except for Buddhism because Buddhism is about learning from whats around you rather than guessing whats behind that. And so objectively speaking are those eastern philosophies ... more 'crisp' ... when it gets to facts.
Anyhoo - Often times these 'facts' are just simple emotions, ... and I've been fooled by myself once or twice. And thats what I wrote about when writing about World of Warcraft. The world of Warcraft told me a bunch about 'facts'. And in my own defense ... what were/are the facts that I 'learned' to value, effectively? Religion tells me to not drink while my dad is a profound beer lover. OK! Fact! Dad has a large VHS collections and there are really a lot of good/ejoyable movies. Good! Video Games are Fun! And I kindof got along easily and never had any real reason to profoundly challenge myself. And so I took what God gave me - but when God gives, you can get more than you might actually know about.

Anyhow - I totally missed the point there. So, the two of you can agree on Facts - that thats what you're about - and this also helps boiling matters down to the central aspects that matter; And beyond what I could provide thats where we will find, by all means of logic, the most 'stable' "thing".


But now, so moving on to politics, I've wondered: What is actually 'the center way' that we have to somehow have to be able to openly agree on? I mean, since its come to me that there is a desturbance between left and right, 'what' is the center? I mean, what is the little if the 'left' is actually on the 'right'? And whatever my ongoing thoughts were, I have come to one conclusion I think is really worth the digits: Whether we're leftist or rightist or centrist, ... and the outcome of the recent french election emphasized this to me, we have to see that our goal must be something of a sustainable whole - as in, once thats what we have thats what it will be; No more budging to the left or right. In essence. Though, that is why we have democracy "and all that". But still, the emphasized term here is the 'sustainability' - or lets say 'peace'. To say that yea - any radical left or right movement is inherantly false; But in a sense also protects us from getting pinned down in a too narrow field.



So, there are advantages and disadvantages - but my personal 'take home' point from that has been that I should take an inherantly 'centrist' position; Which if you prefer a more dramatized emphasis could be phrased as a great deal of sacrifice from my end. And it is weird, ... saying, there's a new experience for me that ... basically ... helps me understand my role here. As a person I may have reluctance to share things out of shame maybe, ... and ... ultimately, ... well, to keep it short: "The #DealWithIt belongs to #DealWithIt's the best!".

Deal with it!




So the center to me is that perspective that there is that way of doing things which will ultimately last - where the sole idea of extreme left or right-ism will vanish in the mere perfection of it. But so far - explenations have always seemed to stumble upon this and that - as, somewhere along the lines of empirically deriving it from what we know - there's a problem. In the simplest way of speaking we may simply wonder about the distribution of power in presence of corruption and secret social activity. If now a new government is born from the ashes of an old one - that to the ordinary person should be a pretty unique event. The more so once you're involved into it. So the idea of democracy is to give power to the people; But the main 'flaw' there is that the people can only choose from what is served. Of course. So if there is a group that knows how it works, it can abuse the confusion of the rest to step in; And basically - thats what we wanted - I suppose. Anyone who deems himself competent enough to take the lead should step forward. But if we so expand the political spectrum into the shadow area, which doesn't need to take us to any of the many conspiracy theories but is as well visible by simply calling it the "behind the scenes politics", we also talk about "gullability" - because we still live in a democracy. So, we, the people are to choose - while we don't know whom we choose because we don't see whats going on behind the curtain. And that was my first problem; That - however I thought about it, there was/is always that issue that there is no clear answer outside of a theocratic one which again is complicated. But so the earlier solutions were about a given recognition of spiritual guides to be 'entrusted' to be the wiser amongst us. It would be a breed between secularism and theocracy in that the 'priests' don't rule per se, but are recognized for their dedication to the higher ideas as 'truer sages' than any of us.
Its - something that I would anticipate to be a feasible strategy to consolidate a harmony over some time; And well - now I find out that one of the major issues that actually drove me into discarding my plans is an inherant 'urge' towards power. The question being: "Where in the System does the most power exist?".
So anyway - driven by my own agenda I happened to feel an idea of some sort, but again it was flawed. It was, by design at least, so evenly distributed that it worked without a center of power; Which however birthed the problem that in order to get there, "who decides"?
Ultimately the answer was/is simple - kindof - which is naturally all about Unification. It should be self-explanatory why I, if I were to be in command, would start a Secret Service above all Secret Services, it would be exclusive to those.

One problem for me was to acknowledge that I do (did) not have enough logical leverage to confirm myself as "the One" - but, lets leave that aside for now; I at least do not have the head for that right now.


But the general gist is that anyway, by making a step towards God we subscribe to a completely different reality of possibilities. So even if we stick to "Organic and Empirical" there is a way - although this will only come/happen once people start making that step.
And so on another note would I stress that it shouldn't be too much of a surprise if some of the things "we" as 'holy community' value might strike you as odd!

So, I want to keep it as an open question to be answered in resolve to the first newcommers: How do you come in prior to your baptism? What has changed since your baptism? And how do you feel X days in?


Yea, that might be the one big odd thing. That from the outside this would pretty much look like an alien invasion so as that everyone who comes in returns like a changed person, kindof. There are certainly some jokes that tickle my senses already that could be made.
But anyway - you don't get there without a personal relationship to God. Except it really reaches the point where its normal.

But so I also come to be convinced that any further political talk is just sidestepping the real issues. All that will go away, or will have to go away; Or anyway - isn't anything that should be continuously on my radar. Already the signs are there that "Plan B" of the Trump Administration comes in, which is, playing out the "He's crazy card", illiterate and what not. OK, yea - though - from a different perspective, the less guessing one, it really begs the question: Who so is really in charge of the government? It looks like - a bit as though the President is just a hostage, in some way.
Another reason to not look 'that way'. Not for answers anyway.

Whatever it is, its possibly far more than what we think there is - and at the very least complicated enough to need a major revision. But as I've come to learn from programming, boiling a complex grid of IT stuffs down to a simple one is simple in theory, but really really difficult when trying to keep the code this complex thing is working in alive. You're better off rewriting the whole thing entirely. So, whatever. We 'need' it to keep working, basically, ... and thats where everyone comes in who does anything, basically. And even those that don't. If it stops working, so the other side, we need to be able to handle the collapse. But what we need to understanding is that in case of a collapse certain things may get lost. So, in that term we could give ourselves a score based on how hard a collapse would impact us. And once we got to or even beyond 100%, then we're 'basically' ready to take the next steps. The other part of it is however; ... where does it take us?



From thinking more about the Matrix stuff we learn that sometimes things that at first seem counterproductive are actually not. So, you might want to look into it to learn whether or not there or more accurately what is to be had in regards to the claim that it is 'divine artwork'. If you now defend the theistic thesis you might find it counterproductive to support the atheistic thesis; But by doing so you open the question for 'how' it is being made a bit wider. This is kindof what atheists would refer to as "playing the 'God Joker' card" - but this is how its done the right way. Its facts on facts. If we can establish, so at the core of the dilemma, that neither tries to proove or disproove either of the side - and we so bond ourselves to taking each standpoing as equally valid - there always 'is' a theistic and an atheistic 'establishment' (of thought). And so if it turned out that I cannot further support the theistic story, then this sketpicism did us all a huge favour. Except nobody actually came and sought out a true answer but just looked for a moment to say 'nope'.
And so yea - sometimes its just a problem! That - anything can be both, good or bad, without a really practical way around it. Yet long story short, the idea of 'the center' is that we must all subscribe to it. Thats just it. To have that one central ideal peace - we cannot have it that anyone doesn't really commit to it. That is not done by subscribing to a settled thing, but by contributing your thoughts towards it. Don't bother the execution so much as the attitude itself.
Yea, it is often so just the 'attitude' that does give us 'the right' to actually complain about something that is inherantly false!

And so comes the nightmare. The end of peace and harmony - as - apostasy were to spread once again and captivate our yout within ambitions of rebellion. Well, if it comes, however it comes; Thats also known as 'project Omega'. But, lets leave that aside first of all. Its an 'arch' type project - and should further tell us who we are, what we have learned - by thinking of what we want to preserve should we ever vanish from existence.

And basically thats where I would start - 'Alpha and Omega' style - but so far I've kept things really short here, so. Thats an idea worth mentioning in case I forgot something.

But - what I then really think should move into the foreground are the 'Junior Grade' things. That is 'primary school' - and 'Junior Corps' as a form of Pathfinders. But more to the point, speaking of fundamental education I think that 'survival' should always be somewhere on the list, by which I then also mean: Agriculture and stuff like that. In the sense should education give us simple access to that kind of stuff, for once, it should also branch off into the professions that there are, ... obviously, ... and so is there a growth in complexity. Agriculture is really one of the more basic things and as I recall from my childhood I had a much more vivid understanding of those things than I have now. The mainline for Junior Corps is an alignment to 'adult work' - like gardening - where the adult is the simple role model for the child. Adults do their work and Junior Corps becomes a part of certain lines of work as that is one simplicity of social wealth.
This would also be where the less education oriented folks would get their boost from. I mean - as a root, its one way for a child to move on. And a good motto here were: Better an open door than a dead end. Yes 'military' might be there at some point; But also medic-aid. One step further we get to the field where tools are more important; And where things can't easily be MacGyvered together anymore. Like, where you need a Microscope for instance. Here I get the idea that it might be best for teenagers to not learn for grades, but to acquire licenses. So, once someone has a hobby - that person would become good at something. This way he/she will often come to learn things that are more valuable than what he/she learns in school - effectively; While this knowledge is often lost since the degrees from school reveal only "so much". So, this would help the youngster bypass a lot of educational shenanigans while on that route also signifying to it what will be important at some point so that he/she can totally focus on the more important subjects.

This leaves that for the bigger concerns we would have schools having some general core of common sense of education, ... while basically aimed at eventually ticking a pupil in a way that will send it on its way.
Here I think its also fair to say that around ... 9th to 10th year of schools teachers can find in which ways a child will/would succeed - which means as much as, whether or not a person is going to "end up" on this or that "job market" is practically foreseeable. With that in mind we can learn that we here have a supply of workers; And thats what the basic economy were about. Catering to them to keep the whole thing running. So, they should get basic housing rights. Like yes, in the 'lazy and exploitative way' of saying: I just wanna have a house ... . Or a neat apartment. It would certainly not lead to greater riches however. But it should be fair. The 'safe spot' - where we would want protections in case of unemployment. The thing with that though is that with an 'in favour of our ways' educational system and governing infrastructure school degrees, c.v.s and such won't be that big a deal anymore. You either get work or you don't. Thats how it is - anyhow. If times are bad - like - that you as a worker couldn't get a job nor a suitable compensation, ... then thats bad! OK!

The point though is that to get a job you need the skills - and so we want an educational system that reflects your skills properly, practically and purposefully. But so, to be fair, this would also - when trouble hits hard - be an issue of friction between more and less educated folks, where so being 'over-educated' were a thing. A clerk that is good at being a clerk and good at that only ... should be a clerk rather than someone who is good at everything but being a clerk.

And well - in case you wonder, what I end up having is pretty german, actually. I mean ... where 'carrot' were the vegetable to describe germans with. Not Broccoli. But it both works well here.

I think the most german thing of all - that also works as 'the most american' thing of all, were 'Terminal Logistics'. This is the idea to split up 'Nodes' into a Terminal and a Gateway side - and Nodes being as much as our "capitals", but rather 'metropoles' of today. There we at some point go and say which place will become a node - and at that point thats pretty much a state or region. We could though rather think of it as a state. Gateway Logistics is about the Nodes inner going ons and emphasises the local community, while Terminal logistics is concerned about the connections between nodes.
In both cases is the Node the main interface between both, as the ideological gathering point of information regarding the in and outflux of stuff. In the simplest way would this be about one Node for instance producing a surplus for humanitarian purposes, transporting it to someplace else where then there is an influx of goods that can be distributed. This would be managed by ultimately settling 'seeds' within the region that is being helped, with the goal to turn these seeds into flourishing townships, with one eventually becoming the regions Node. The sideproduct would be a system wherein all routes of public transportation are registered; Where I dream of an open world.
Gateway would here mean as much as "lower working class". Ultimately the main thing mentioned so far is public transportation, but ultimately recycling and anything infrastructure related would also become a part of it. Although, in terms of infrastructure there then is Terminal Logistics as a higher order, and where LogEx and Military are to Bond, Terminal Logistics is essentially a bold "cover up" for military infrastructure.

Based on this ... well, I think that our trading routines will change. Though I'm not sure whether thats 'drastically' or not. It possibly depends on where you stand. But yea - there even is a space for Wallstreet brokers in this, ... "I guess".

(I think Trump planned on WW3, but somewhere along the lines his overseas tour he got informed that all his plans have been but in check and now he's utterly depressed and the war is cancelled! I mean, somehow all the 'anti economic decisions' have a bit of a sound of opening a suitcase - "clap clap" - speaking metaphorically of getting ready for war. And then all he's concerned about is that not everybody spent as much on their defenses as they should have; And then pulls out of the Paris Agreement like a baby; And so you see what I was all the time complaining about! Is it a ruse?)

But yea, of course they will. I mean, based on "this" way of thinking - in the sense of getting aligned in a more ... reasonable way.



But on to something more pleasant: Prostitution in Zion.

Well, first of all we 'don't' want to see, use or take money, power (and the obscuring thereof), the widening of inequalities, the spread of social unjustice and all of that as a means of sustaining it. Thats a pretty good measurement. If we can break all types of 'leverage' the System has on us that would force anyone into prostitution, we can so - pretty much 'break even' with what I demand as a whore, effectively speaking.

I mean, I can say that prostitution saved my life - in the sense that were it not for the brothel I was staying in, my life could have continued much worse. This however also works to say that I was forced into it, it being the last way out for me. And in a lot of cases that also became a button that got pushed on to keep me complacant - and thats I guess where I began to act in spite and that ultimately had to conclude within my departure, as also a way of iterating on the fact that I'll be fine, God is my shepherd, period.

Yes, that is a good summary. If you try to be the bigger player in the room, you'll be outplayed by the biggest player that there is!

I mean, its one thing that I leave a trail of shame behind me, that, wherever I turned I basically had to turn away with some reason to be ashamed of at least one thing. And yea, from there on out you could also say that I'm in my own echochamber, but my feeling about this goes pretty much like that Tattoo on Megan Fox though I can't really remember it even to the point of paraphrasing it much outside of that one simpsons quote that goes like "Haa Haa!".
I think the way of thinking really changes within Unification. I mean, I can barely even mention me 'thinking' since there is so much stuff that has to be told about it ... like: There's a person that I effectively think about "the most" right now, but that not really in a sense of 'time'. OK, that might be familiar to you - but still, compared to everything else its a profound interest while basically not even being of any cognitive significance. There's no point in trying to explain that. But I get that when I just wrote: "I've been think about XYZ (a lot, deeply or whatever)" - it causes a bit of a wrong impression.
And so is it with that echochamber. I think this is where I can write a bit about why, for instance, Seventh Day Adventists are wrong. What they believe in is in essence what we from the outside could call a self fulfilling prophecy; And it pretty much stems off from their believe in the purity doctrine of the old testament. By saying that everyone who doesn't build on that is wrong, you imply that those are the wrongdoers that are 'doomed' by the events described in the Revelation of John. And if you base your understanding off on the idea or perhaps facts that unhealthy living causes all the problems in this world - you say that all of us have to live according to those standards you add yet another issue that doesn't work with everybody. So, everyone who doesn't follow these rules is "evil" - and all the good they do is just deception. So any betterment that doesn't follow your rules is no betterment at all; But so, its half as bad if the fulfillment of your doomsday is actually not going to be a desaster!

I mean - its that as you apply a point of view onto something you can then go and demand conformity about that view. And sure, if you didn't listen to what I had to say I'd be doomed to live in my echochamber as you wouldn't talk to 'me' and 'my' concerns if you tried anything. And well - that is one of those dilemmas that crossed my mind now and then.

How to solve it? Maybe by starting to understand that there aren't always clear answers and that if we handle that, we can learn to properly live with eternity. I mean, yea - well - now that this was shown to me. Yea, obviously!
Eternity is so fucking eternal, that we cannot ever hope to fully grasp it. The only way for us to ever "catch up" is still always about falling behind - but anyway - a steady progress where we don't always see whats coming.

Yet, the person I have to think about is Heidi Klum. She seems like a roll model to point out the many wrongs of the System or "shadow Government" that rules everything - and in that sense I'm not particularly attracted towards her. But similar to how it was with Madonna there is a strange grip of some Light that draws me towards her - and this next to Madonna also applies on Britney Spears.
For the sake of betterment nothing like that should matter at all. No matter how dark your past. Where yea, the more troubling question for me is: What if some guy came in and all of a sudden we owned an underground empire? And to some extent I'd say: We wouldn't. Even if we assumed he had total control about it - eventually the separation would become too much and someone else would cease control. If it were the whole entire thing that repented - then the thing would be a totally different one. ... I don't know!



This leads to the ultimate question: What will you be able to keep; And what will you have to sacrifice? And I think, as a good rule of thumb, you have to expect loosing everything! But that is ... not that simple either. I mean, if you were an Actress and you came in this would say that you weren't an actress anymore. You could still be acting - and none of us would tell you what roles to accept and which ones not to - but unless you find that acting is really one of your top priorities you can't really be considered one!
So to the point. Again this is different when dealing with the leader of a company. Here we would say that he is no longer the leader of a company, although he would or even should continue to be that; Although it shouldn't matter to us internally. If some company got created by us that you'd then take charge of, then you'd be the leader of a company.
And this is also my take on prostitution; While - prior to prostitution there comes swinging. If thats what you prefer - if anything "filthy" at all - then thats as far as it goes. If your take is a bit kinkier - then we get to prostitution type 1, which is rather 'hoppyist'/BDSM/Kink related, though still pretty much a way of swinging. And for prostitutes this would be a 'higher' form of prostitution in the sense that it is a 'lesser' form that by being so demands a higher degree of recognition. Its like, you want your share of value out of it! Anyhow. This is still pretty much "inline community" driven - saying, there is no real official side to it unless there is some more sophisticated degree of organization going on.

For 'real' prostitution we then think about individuals who are basically 'living' 'as' prostitute rather than just sharing it as a hobby. So, 'professional sex workers'. But further on the dark side there is the idea of legitimate kidnapping. This would mean that there has to be a way for "victim", police and offender to make it somehow legit - which is one way how we come to speak of an 'underground' you may or may not like to think about.
But on a sidenote: Being 'damned' to be a Sex-Slave can be compared to being 'damned' to be a worker. So, when ignoring the physical demands and just thinking about the outlook - that which basically matters psychologically - its one and the same!
But so - this is also a picture of how prostitution can spin out of control. So, where this cooperation excludes the victim. And so, transparecny is good! At least - being concerned about telling folks where you are, when, and so on - if you are concerned of that.
But so, a prostitute would ultimately be something like a worker - to the point that this person has to somehow live; Saying, there has to be some way society does carry its existence. And - what this also entails is some bit about what to expect from each other. If you for instance would rather visit a hooker than join a swinger session - then I would say that this isn't a side of social awkwardness but more a symptom of a differently aligned synergy. It is not that the individual is abnormal by not conforming to the norm, but is normal within a different view on things. It were abnormal for such a person try fit into a "normal" society. And so is this a case where the absence of a clear answer is actually already the answer. Its one point where one side of society 'should not' claim dominance upon another. Well - mind you: We can't avoid imposing our own existence unto others. That is simply a fact! If ones mere existence is already considered offensive by a society, then there's something wrong about that society!

As a guy I might here however find myself in the lucky spot. The story with Athena, Gaia and Amaterasu goes as much as that ultimately - where I'm a prisoner of Satan, I'm rather 'part' of Amaterasu - whereby the body is consisting of a main representative and priestesses, or, sotospeak, angels. There would be a finite amount - so, a fixed body, and over time each Angel were at some point the Godess. And 'we' rape each other, because being raped is our thing.

But yea. I think transsexuality needs some discussing. According to my own behaviour you'd have a point on any of the perspectives that review "Transgender Acceptence" as a wild conspiracy scheme of the dark government. Or homosexuals. Or black people. Mass Media is weird. Based on what I see my impression were that 80% of the worlds population are black people, that 20% of everyone is gay and that nobody on this planet with a right mind believes in God. And I'm sure that none of these impressions is correct! And yea, a Transgender community is weird in the sense that a 'real' transgender person would aim to melt into the opposed gender crowd - rather than yet again standing on the sideline being a "freak". But that is also the keyword, for me, here.


It struck me. I've been not smoking weed for a while, wrote some stuff, up until the recent bit. Then it struck me - and because I got high with even more impact. That no, shit - if all that I wrote about Clarity is real then I'm pretty much 'fucked'. Then I went on writing about my counter-stance, that part of sanity that reacts to my impressions and tries to even out what makes sense and how - so in terms of the 'real' world. But right now I've been also jacked into some state of compliance with my clarity. An 'as though' kind of attitude, saying "what if I was fully immersed into my clarity" - and what I find is at first a general lack of appetite for playing games, aside of frequent 'flames' that make me want to - but then a general 'stop' and a force that drives me into watching porn; Or doing anything that exposes me to it.
This is also where I can't make any sense of what I'm doing programming wise; Unless I don't do any programming and just think about it while being high. The moment I lean forward to get to the notepad - snap - and gone. Though, on a sidenote: That makes me only make little changes, at this point, over a long period of time - while I'm basically still fiddling round about issues of joining some relevant pieces together. But I guess I could do so faster!
Yet it still is important for me to phrase myself as 'big brother' in the sense it has to be done correctly; And so - 'freak' is possibly the final answer to that. In the sense of being a transgender person.

I try to not live it, try to be the 'normal guy' - as I've mentioned before - because I don't think the trouble of going through the whole shenaniganry would pay off. Although ... this attitude looses value for me the older I get. But I'd still avoid it - though, I'm not so sure about it anymore. But, if thats something someone would want to play out on - I'm sure I won't go for it!
Can't! But the thing is also that one of the main interests for my part were to then also live as a woman. And while I have no life to live in any way - its pretty much irrelevant. And yet the kink to be 'raped' into it tickles me. That'd certainly be the preferred way for me.

I mean, what you are depends on who you are - obviously. So, what you make of yourself is what you are. Sure! But of course - we can be naive ... and that kindof changes when God is part of the equasion. If you can claim that you have it from God, then the whole concept of Naivity no longer suits the situation; Except in a figurative way where we simply have to say that Naivity is the key. And I don't want to make myself a transvestite simply for pleasing a crowd that cannot deal with the absurdities of my reality.

But yea. When it gets to 'my' clarity at least there is a 'high pitched' version and a lower pitched one. Or 'saturation' instead of 'pitch'. The thing is - in the higher version I'd be all in for not ever enjoying my male part in process of the whole story. Though, so, in that manner of thinking I naturally tend to skip on everything that doesn't suit that narrative to frame the story within the images that 'do' matter as they 'do' carry that narrative.
I would however still say that if the lower pitched version were whats to happen I wouldn't be terribly disappointed either; Although there - but thats true for both cases - are ways that could be really disappointing.

But again I'm very much in the mood of shutting the door behind myself, sotospeak, while later finding myself totally setup against me just to find that I can't nor want to actually change my mind about it.

the tipping point for me on this issue was the recent time I thought about my reluctance to be into what I'm into. The idea is pretty much that I'm opposed to what I want because I like to be raped - but without really feeling that like the situation stood there as a bit odd. So I figures its just a little 'snap' for me - and so I basically wondered: What if - and since them I'm sortof stuck. My head is filled up with too much sexual ambition - and by that I mean I cannot consciously grasp one of them - which basically leaves me 'terrorized' by my own self in the sense that I'm stuck in mental agony - and the 'good' part about it is also the scary part about it, which is that this agony doesn't really go away even within the sense of joy that I get out of it as of now. And thereby I don't even really think about any kind of activity. Its this on edge situation - and the way I see it evolve is that at some point I - when high at least - won't be able to enjoy much more than that. A hidden craving that emerges from there is that of getting drugged for various reasons - one being to be "shut off". But yea, there is something about these higher pitched cravings that doesn't sit well with me.
Well, first of all it shouldn't be a big secret that I simply cannot escape myself there. The moment I get a conscious grab of it - I sink into it and by my default position being an inability to want anything other than rape I am from there on doomed to attach to/with whatever atrocity crosses my mind.
(My favourite Porn actress so far is Alicia Alighatti followed by Katsuni. Alicia is pretty much my secret idol. And Katsuni much like a Mother of my dreams. Herefore I though rather attach to dominant women as they would be those to enforce an identity compliant with my hidden wishes upon me.)
So, there is that brief moment where I can mention my male side - but that depending on my growth was layed aside sooner or later - while by now its pretty much a thing that will along these lines always be ignored that way.
So far I haven't encountered anything that I'm attached to, that while taking me out of that loop would sustain my absence from it. One main motivator to keep my head into programming are usually long term goals. The short term ones keep to attract negative feelings - so that I for once can easily let go of doing anything. The long term goals were a bit harder to crack - but they just got cracked - just as I was about to write this. I wouldn't have been right, but so - this is right, still. They however most easily just vanish when in some far future my life would have come another way and that working out well enough for those goals to pop like a bubble. And that finally comes in as the more enjoyable long term goal for me!
But so - while passing by all reason and sanity I of course get closer and closer to those atrocities that ... well ... really are there at the bottom of everything where the scummiest of all scummy behaviour takes place. This is now a thing that I by 'logic' cannot escape from. So the argument that I'm attracted to 'that' is not wrong per se. Even so that there is a certain attachment to whatever keeps that running and a remote desire to marry into it. I however can't stick around there for too long because it is here only the appearance that ultimately attracts me. One way to get away from there is to seek out a greater atrocity - but alternatively it also works to recall the nature of Love, or so the fact that I'm ultimately in it for the joy factor I get out of my depression and that is ultimately also tied to God. As far as surface tension goes I'd be "their Slave" faster than you could count to 1, by now/so far at least, and again ... as based on my own imagination at least. This I guess is something like 'rebellious attachment'. I mean, as I encounter the link I first try to denie it - and this denial causes a conflict whereby my pursuance of the truth draws me closer and closer towards it. Subconsciously even. Now, however I am now attracted to what - in the end, its that what matters - that I am attracted to 'something'; whereby 'I' myself do learn from the appearances of that which interests me. So the imagination is OK - no matter how right or wrong - for as long as I don't take it too seriously and rather learn about myself from it than to change myself to delude myself into a fake alignment of some sort.

And so there also is a bit of disappointment however. What I get to here is a release of pressure - and I guess that ultimately builds up into something as a thrall where I'd be closer to begging for them to delude me rather than giving a damn about the truth. What so "hurts" me is a feeling of detachment - as, you might compare it to withdrawal because thats what it is - but it doesn't feel wrong either. What remains however is a turmoil in my heart - one that makes me wanna throw up from the bottom of my heart, so much that I'm afraid about the complete collapse of my metabolism to even throw up just a third of it.
Its like I'm being made the excuse for something that I indirectly have to suffer yet as well - in a sense of being furthermore guilty in case I don't do so; Therefore not "giving the juice" and thus being a killjoy, sotospeak, to them however.
And so - what do I do? Resist in face of all the douchbaggery we see in movies executed unto the by authorship screwed ones? Or play along and get a little bit of a high out of it in benefits to all?
It is however still wrong to say that all I'm waiting for is a green light. I mean, based on my identity I'm sucked up into it and whether its now this or that - I'm however conditioned to play along - in the sense that separating what I want from what I imagine is going on is difficult/straineous.
So effectively this means that I can feel myself within given situations that I however cannot ultimately connect with.

Speaking of what takes me to that moment of gratitude - that gratitude I feel, where I would describe the climax of me being a sex-doll - that doesn't come without Love and matter of fact ... I mean, I got there as first composing a situation for me only based on what I want - describing the situation itself. I couldn't feel it unless a/the corresponding form of that Love came into the picture - and focussing on it some more I understood that it is a kind of love that doesn't even need anything elaborate to go on. I mean, though I accordingly would sooner or later find myself in a female dress-up - its simply the Love there that turns me into what I want to be. This is I guess the nature of such a God given synergy. I guess it means that our ideals become real substance within other peoples hearts. For me that occurs in ... possibly three ways. Its, while being "the triad" of love, rape and prostitution however prioritizing love. I do have a profound attachment towards Monica - and I get that a blind and stupid attachment to her is all "it" really needs. This attachment nourishes her embrace, which further nourishes my attachment to her. And so the gratitude occurs as a conceilment of that Love - and what matters from there on are simply put 'hands'. While I feel so a lot of hands reaching out for me - that amount reflects something of a basic need (to perfect synergy); And I don't get that from "those imaginations". And basically I would say that is to some extent a matter of how many groups I've already been married into. This means that if "they" ever somehow mattered - it would firstly be about how it mattered to those groups and whatever is left at the bottom.
Here my needs are pretty simple - because - I there am simply the product of the things that already are or are already 'effective' in the making - and so, if I'm sexually exploited ... thats a good start.

And this is where the higher and the lower pitches agree. Even if taking a completely male route; Despite it always ending the other way - there is still a tune along the lines of getting raped while being male, whereby however my passive/submissive transgender ideals were yet in the foreground.
This might be the case for me if none of the hands that are "privileged of me" actually happens to be male - as otherwise any story will always include this "shadow entity" that rules behind the scenes and gets me into becoming a Sex Slave.
Hmm ... although ... there are certain rules in place that go against that. Like, being simply exposed as the sissy I am before someone I have girlfriend feelings for. And yea, thats ... cool!

The whole snuff kink here only factors in to say as much that I don't mind dieing while getting my brains fucked out; But that more seriously along the lines of that being pretty much it. Prostitution ... where retirement = death.


Well, distancing myself from "these atrocities" does leave me in some kind of withdrawal. But it doesn't change my ... hull integrity. My mind doesn't budge away from it - and the agony doesn't stop. I mean - the agonizing things simply come from elsewhere. And in face of it - yet - its closer to my nature to be positive towards those atrocities, because ... so and so ... but, there are a variety of things that make me feel awkward about giving "them" too much space thereby.
Its like - there are cocks everywhere and avoiding one single one amongst them doesn't compute.

So, first of all: What I'd really do depends on God - while I'm already dealing with Withdrawal Symptoms that settle the tune of what that, right now at the very least, entails.
Secondly, I take it what "they" have is only an 'attempt' at mirroring what we have. I cannot give it any credits of being in any way, shape or form better than what God is giving. And at some point that meant 2 20x120+ ish cocks. Certainly, I was high and that fuck happened just in my head - but it happened! And damn it was good!
There is no comparison to being immersed within a huge pile of flesh anymore either!
I mean, regarding experiences that go beyond this world I'm certainly well fed. If these were to reflect an accurate level of sexual satisfaction I were to get; I would so still be in "this" misery, while still being as much stuffed by as yet craving for it. If not, there is yet this agony that constitutes into a craving for more. This time however, well, a bit more nuanced - as - I think as far as my mind is concerned I'm already pretty much at the bottom of whats possible/likely. I believe - my current sense of clarity despite how high I actually should currently be is a good indicator for that on the 'good' side.
But the best way to understand and relate to my suffering/agony is to realize that my 'relief' comes from a succumbing to rape. That can be a succumbing due to pressure; But it is also pretty much the state I inherantly attained and that is the most effective source to the pressure I'm exposed to.

This is however is only a temporary type of relief whereby all the agonies are pretty much still thre, but they don't really 'factor in'. And thats the next bit. While its all pretty much sustained by God, it can be turned on and off by God really quickly. Here so the 'turning it off' is the state of abnormity - whereby, in its 'on' state it also pretty much reflects who we are and is there to influence us to that extent. So, the pressures are real - to the point that those cognitive strains that reality doesn't provide me with are enacted by God; And I believe it also works the other way - that some strains don't really influence me outside of a given subset of issues, like, being pissed off about stuff.
So is 'off' basically an 'on' state of something else.

And you can challenge the idea whether or not what I'm believing in is right. Basically this is with a bit of intent phrased in a sense of even provoking that attitude. And based on those concerns - my stance would pretty much still be the same; In which case they were however wrong. Still I would want them to be right; And then there were a serious issue to be concerned about.

Its a thing. Once in this state there is no escape. The further I distance myself from the ideas, the more my urges enter overdrive. The only situation to defy this description - generally speaking - were once I feel 'stuffed', ... or am somehow disjointed. It is here though certainly untrue to blame my situation on the media. I really don't think so!
I would crave a world that offers what this world has to offer. And speaking about this world, then well yea - end up complaining about it and wanting "more". Here its though certainly not 'more crazy' - but 'more of what I actually want'.



So yea, lets say I don't know what that is; Considering that there so far is nothing that can be wanted; I'm still a sucker for porn and thus I think it should not only be legal - but, though it might sound silly, also support for Porn addicts. I mean, have you ever heard anything about how the financial system with the Banks is a scam. How currency is not actual money? Its a bit like that. Here the support of a group creates demand for whatever that group is into. So there is an economy that satisfies their need. And again - there is I'm sure a fraction of us that likes to satisfy that. And this is how one cycle of life may close.
So, while these people would be more concerned of rating porn and talking about stuff - maybe, lets just stick with a cliche picture here - that wouldn't be too different from people who are concerned about more 'serious' stuff. It would a) help keeping channels clean, b) be a testament to freedom and c) ... whatever. There's more than just that I'm sure.

In this sense the entirety of my "depravity" could also be just that. Having a deprived lifestyle outside of whatever my social bonds are. Simply put. And yea, thats where an individual would ultimately matter. But that can also be an online community. I'm however not much into being a virtual whore.
But - I can in a sense live with the idea of yet being so, seeing my image reflected in arts and saying yea, OK fine, "I'm a toon!" - while I get my mind fucked in and out all the time anyway. The point is that in terms of Mental concerns there are, provided that the ties are the right ones, really no issues we could tackle. So yea, how much of a difference were a physical balance to that?
...
Anyhow. Ultimately - to get back to that Love thing - I think, its a good point to start with its problems. Or what I would describe as a crack in the perfect shell. There is in deed one thing that our relationship - me and Monica - would revolve around as a negative. The plot would begin as she reconceiles with her origin, taking me along with her. OK, that newfound peace was established on the condition that things will be a little different, but I'm still tagged along and in the impression of a child that doesn't grasp too much of whats going on around it; Which ultimately makes me question my Love to her, as her Love for me. And at that point it feels like just a tiny tiny move away for us to split; Where I would continue as 'Lost' ... and she'd just go like "F'it". And with this crack its difficult to meet eye to eye. I mean - while that is somehow an issue, any attempt of being together were in a sense 'faked' to somehow get past it.
So its an issue. How do I know of her; And how does she know of my Love? And any sign there is that this Love is real is a hugely important, yet ... weak and volatile thing - for each of us. And this is important. Only when we can see each other we can truely move past that curtain - and there we have to learn that our own God-blessed attachment is well. So on the base the truth for us is - at this stage at least - to simply realize our individual desire to be together as the mutual thing - and in this way we can innocently enjoy it. So I will/would just blindly throw myself at her and that until I'm as deeply in her life as possible - if what I experienced there is to be trusted.



And she is most certainly the most important thing for me. When it gets to prostitution - I think those thoughts ... well, whenever there is something of a realistic "chance" or way for me to express myself as that; Although its also a bit of an excuse I can't but make it up to her. Although in some hypothetical plane there comes the point when there is just no hope anymore and while I then might as well do anything; I might as well do what makes me happy.

And so I come to those 'nono's - things that seem solid and certain enough to be relevant at some point. You might come to think of taboos - but, yea - its odd. Taboos don't matter as they do outside of God. Big nono number one is that me and Monica ever split. To put it into perspective: I was so laying there thinking about her; And thinking on I realized that I'd want to be there for her - I wouldn't ever want to leave her abandoned if I could help it - and so, zoom, some reflection of myself came rushing in from "outside of the picture" and I realized it as a part of me that wasn't really aligned to that. And while this story might not mean a lot to you, I only find how much she means to me as I'm more happy to let go of myself than to ever even leave her in peril. That is possibly one sided. It ... has to be to some extent. Evidently this Love is so that she at some point could lean back and sotospeak bask in it - although 'selfunderstood' should be to think that this cannot be all that there is.
But well, what this brought to the desk is a wider appreciation for my male self. That is my big dilemma there. Yea. How can I love her while being female? What does that mean for our most fundamental arc of being together?

Second big 'nono' is that I ever miss out on 'that happiness'. Here I generalize what would otherwise only entail my creative productivity - and maybe will always be just that. But maybe I'll move from IT into breeding Dragons. I mean, its a far out thing.

And the third big 'nono' would finally make me yet the one and only true ... Amaterasu; In the sense of that most central degree of eternal captivity that cannot be challenged.
Although ... that ... might just be high talk.



My Angels would however still be a part of it. There are three idols that spring forth into existence however; From my journey thuse far. There is that female gargoyle with three huge penises - there is the mother showering her child in cum and there is the female gargoyle tied up as a receptor for cum; And to extend that, topped by a Motherfigure who enslaves her two daughters to her image; Or rather just one as the other to one more dominant version. Guess who I am! No, thats silly. I were the child and the second gargoyle.
But rather the second gargoyle. These idols would describe ideology - mirroring our darkest desires - and those by being "Illuminated Idols" as representative for 'legal horrors' sotospeak.

But well - leaving that aside. Not everyone can claim an intimate part to that as something thats ... 'general'. While the divine here certainly also claims a degree of interaction with everyone, no human can possibly meet that requirement legitimately. And so ... in general terms ... its my deeper intimacy that matters. So, whatever that Godess there is - its however most certainly a public thing. And that which isn't - is mostly not a thing humans get to be concerned about. And so it doesn't matter whether I'm male or female; Where I supposedly exist in utmost darkness. What matters more is of course that we all live the lifes we want to live - and to me that is being "a little sissy boy" - at least until the sissy became larger than the boy - where I want to be male just for the sake of the abstraction. And so - I guess its ... well. To me its fair to imply to my percentage ratings that the 20 as much as the 18 percent marks are accurate. I'm 80% female - and 18% bisexual. Yet my "futanari" experience should probably imply that I can have a strap on at best - which maybe means an animal penis when brought to the wire.

Oh, so - what is that all about? Most of it is just irrelevant Kink - per se - but maybe important to allow for closer draws to be made. The more you know about those things, so my guess, the more important this will be for you to present yourself; In the sense of appealing to those you want to appeal to.

Here for me it is a big 'nono' that in the center of it all I ever get exploited as male. Except through the abstractions of being male elsewhere. And this were part of my proposal - where - it kindof gives me an excitement about the future saying that when this line comes to matter I'm finally going to become a happy person.

Thereby however - my 'ultimate' ideal doesn't link me to Monica anymore, it simply does keep me as 'lostly floating' within prostitution; With a kink of Loyalty for someone 'else' - a.k.a.: "Who doesn't legitimately own me" - but then yet owns me legitimately enough for me to be in a state of enthrallment.
As a living being however I would count as an animal - and ... this is probably one of those ... its obviously 'one' case of identifying as an object and what that entails. For me - its where I ultimately am a Doll, but finally am still a living being and hence 'become' a Pet. This means that my true Love for Monica also revolves around my Doll identity, ... where - regardless of its presence in the narrative so far; There is an initial smudge of Love that grows to the result of what it carried inside. This for once is me as the Doll, but the Love further entails the origins of that Doll. All the intimacy between me and here doesn't all of a sudden get lost - and this is one of the main thing that adds a tone of "melancholia" to my submission - and this is as real as far as the 'figments' associated to my inner going ons are concerned.

I guess what easily stands out here is just how much I can go on about it; And it always only seems to become more complicated; While still there is a baseline that never changes. So, within these moments of intimacy, of course, our relationship is going to flourish. I mean, that 'is' 'the' 'end all be all' form of it. It has been somehow, changed into this and thats, is now so and will once be different. That until we really have grown to a point of being hardened - but ... that is quite a bit ahead. Maybe not far enough ... considering that I'm going to go through Hell to ... really be ... on that Level anyhow.
But so I'm really afraid of my future - and that reflects on all parts of it. As much as that none of it bothered me while I was fine with either aspect of it. Yet I couldn't and wouldn't resist it - in a sense that doesn't make me want to loose any time getting there. And so essentially my male parts matter to me as a sacrificial fruit I have to bear. One that really makes my girl happy - and the way I get it is that she wants to turn everything I got into a female expression. Something like that. The more I take out my male self, the more I get confronted with a female contrast that is superimposed onto me.

And yea - being a Fuck-Doll whereby Doll is expressively a human individual that 'identifies' as a dead object - that pretty much describes my central kink but ... it also describes me in regards to my clarity whereby I know that my clarity describes a more general me that is still true for me. I mean, even so that one wouldn't work without the other. Although in my terms Monica could be substituted by someone else. Not that I want that, but then - yea - its part of what I want. In general though this is also speaking of 'cycles' - whereby one 'lifetime' only resembles a fraction of our "day to day" experience. And this is also where your age weighs in. The older ones of us already know their shit and so to them its already a well defined lifestyle. To the younger ones it would be at first more of a ... it would be more relevant to speak of a magnification of individual interests. Here so a 'central reality' would be pretty much the Universes "sports park" - or in a sense is where we show off our individuality or engage in some form of cultural event or simple interactions. Eventually you would spend most of your time there, even, who knows? If, then that is where I could be "warped in" sotospeak - as part of my legal services.

Which then is part of my cycles.

And I also come with a 'pre-submission' mode; But must cater to rape oriented interests. Here I pretty much cherish the fact that my free will is like vacuumed away. And this is also me saying that I pretty much want to fall in line with whatever "suits you". I mean, there is that which is going on in my mind/heart/soul - and the closer my day to day experience came to that ... while certainly we can change the theme like wether we're talking of love or clarity ... - but its ... all in the same anyway ... mostly ... the better for me, I would suggest.
So sure - my "whatever suits you" is also an expression of hope, ... in that I expect certain things to be true about that. Hereby my willingness to want to be in this thrall is like the only way to get my mind off of Monica - so the raw core of - whats lifted up unto me now. But this is something I frequently encounter, little things here and there that make my mind go the way it goes. But usually not so visible. So my hearts ambition at that point basically swaps between Monica and Prostitution - while from time to time its as though an alternate reality opens up and other individuals begin to matter intimately in place of her. Here I would speak of Madonna as a recent attachment, although, maybe there are more recent ones. It seemed however so, 3 or so years ago, that something wasn't quite decided yet. And so I feel like 'actually' our physical whereabouts don't matter in the slightest. And whenever we will be able to have whatever some one individual link is made of - that is a seperate issue. Other things then 'still' going on is the transfer of my 'maledom' onto Amanda Tapping. Or ... whoever. Or dare I say "Baphomet"?

Well, hereby my mind has been arranged in chambers - and that since ... really really early. However - Monica was the first to inherit some space. Thereafter Amanda came in. This is something of a solid continuity - this Link is ... really broad. In chamber 1 I'm Monicas son; And in chamber 2 I'm Amandas adulterous husband - while basically married to her as 'punishment' for this given adultery that had been provoked by my Mother/Bride all along. And when following that line of events it gets a little bit more complicated, speaking of how Gillian, Megan to some extent Britney factor in. Britney is however not a real part of it. ... Uh ... "going out" at least. The point anywhere is however that at the base I follow a male urge - and in pursue of it I get 'caught up' by sadistic mistresses that end up being feminized to the core of becoming a Slave to Cocks and a Sex Slave of Rape. ... -_- ... whatever.
And it is so however that Gillian Anderson and Megan Fox also have a solid space in my mind.

Beyond those I don't really follow a male urge anymore though. While still being teased towards them along my male parts, it are ultimately the female things that make up the factual attraction. And so, Madonna gaining Dominance upon me after being turned into a doll by passing my Male self over to Amanda, that would be a thing that actually happened during the last years and; Well - would explain certain changes that I've gone through. Now the only one missing is that Sister I switch places with. What I have on mind is a person that got raped and kept as a Sex-Slave, to then be treated alike by 'him' who then posesses my body. This would constitute some form of 'body culture' - if the idea of switching bodies is actually to be taken seriously. I mean - its batshit crazy ... but, maybe we can expect some forthcomings of God of that kind.

So - ultimately - in preservance of my limbs and such - there is still the end of it, as usual. Though, by saying that I want to end up baked or fried or whatever - I'm much more speaking of the way that would make me enjoy that. Yea ... which though also has to say that I wished this way existed.
And my worries might say that it does.
And regarding that I hope I never snap out of what I just recently snapped into, provided that I won't have to wait for too long.



But yea, what can I say? 'All of us' have to find a way of getting along with each other in the ways that matter; And while for me that is pretty much not a thing that is to bother me - as my circumstance is logically that of an object - I can more easily turn that into a 'you'. And so whether its about criminals or business owners - you have to figure that out.
But maybe thats the wrong way of saying it.
It makes sense though, that only that finally matters what is lifted up from within. So, whatever your past is - it may in some way factor into that - but all 'that' is finally visible. Its there. That is the work on our society. And sure - I have ideas. But those mostly regard the 'how to' - where my best hope is that to inspire you. And so there is that line of reading into these words, that there surely is a time for being reasonable; And there is no need to expect that my 'craziness' would make Monica act just as crazy, well knowing that it isn't the time. Well yea, "duh". -_- . Anyway. A good bet were to suggest though that right now, as it stands, Madonna and Britney have a handle on me, with Amanda being somehow involved into it too. Basically. And if there is an interest in cutting me off from Monica, so that I will not come to have any male pleasure of her - well, that sortof resonates well within quite a few ... things. Well, two to be precise. A dream and that ... daydream. This would also set off a rather crazy starting shot - but yea, if thats ... how it will be ... cool. Such things do 'naturally' get me more excited.



So yea, when sustaining Prostitution the direct way, there's more in it for everyone. But ... surely, somewhere along those lines the gap between rich and poor as to vanish. If you're not in for that, you won't - most likely and I'm sure a lot of us will guarantee you that - make it in! So yea, you kindof have to look at everything you got as an asset - and over time thats what you have to help our cause. Naturally. You would - want that. Or should. And as I've realized that the agonies have been lifted, I got reminded that that is not the case. It is however now so, granted - though I feel the shackles that captivate me the moment I budge left or right from focussing on this.
At some point there is something much as a screw thats basically drilled into my head from the top of my skull, a pretty tick one, ... and that is one of the things that makes me feel hollow. But all of that are, that might be worth mentioning, already blissful experiences. I mean - they are experiences, for once, that have some given substance. Although certain characteristics change when high - it pretty much stays the same in sobriety. This substance is there already coming with sparks and flashings of 'light' - and so it integrates with our psyche as yea, well, "hitting us like a drug". And that is also how identities work. I guess its right to say that it is God reflecting who we want to be - though that rather based on who we are, after clarity has come to us. So its an around X corners thing. Before we get to B we however yet have to pass A, which means - technically - you determine where the bounce goes. So, there is no consequence to clarity until you've closed that case for yourself; Assuming that for me the case is different because I already have certain attachments - and nothing can/may be done to interrupt those synergies. Its a foundational concept. Without that, none of us could have any degree of assistance from God.

So yea, I've decided for myself to take things slow. To, not get into talking about these things without hitting the break at the end. Though in the written bit this seems ironic - as I always kindof did - but never quite could pull through with it. So yea, it stands out as a passive thing. I can only be a bit more precise 'the next time' I take the ride.
But I feel - by now there isn't much left to prevent me in any way from truely, taking it. I mean, if I can't snap out of it - then these outlooks don't scare me anymore and I'm growing more seriously accustomed to them - knowing nothing else to look forward to.



For the time being it however still seems that my programming is going somewhere. At the very least does it give me a reason to be quiet. But ... its a mixed bag. Sometimes I have nothing to write about, other times neither have any straight forward plan where to go with my programming, ... and injections of exceitement keep getting me fixated on experiencing my depravity through porn. That so far hasn't been a thing that ever lasted for too long though. But right now - it doesn't seem unlikely that it might eventually at some point not end anymore. I mean, that ... would actually be inevitable, to some degree. I'm not sure. I mean - the further we look into the future, we do very well look at more and more sophisticated selves; But with each increment of magnitude we also get to a higher epxerience of that self - and little things all of a sudden became large. To me each and every male occurance would get inverted; That basically starting with general terms, ... something along the lines of: There are always things we will never be able to be - 'ourselves' for instance if we ever derived from that path - but also means that we don't ever know. Although - at some point I may rule the Universe because everybody does - and otherwise, well ... life is life, ... and what does ever come the way you want it to?
Anyway - browsing through all sorts of porn my 'favourite identities' at this point are Elizabeth (from BioShock) and Lulu (Final Fantasy).

The Elizabeth Character thereby does really go against my ideals. And it is important - to her - I guess. Anyway, my male self "there at the bottom" that is 18% bisexual ultimately extends into female expressions. So there is a male figure that has an idealized female version of itself; And that is the line along which this 'gender abstraction' also goes accross things such as a sense of/for beauty and pride.
But that is then also the true female self that I 'earn', which again influences my male perspective - but when attracting that as my male self I realize the original male selves as "cheap tranny". It doesn't work in the geometry of things. There is a literal realm with a literal core or 'spinal pillar' - though the only thing that makes sophisticated sense to me so far is the very bottom of it. Thats where my maledom matters, but hat is also locked up in that lower chamber and excluded from the core.
Lulu is more of an idol - while in that Porn available to me she really works as an idol for filth. But yea, maybe definitely check out Belladonna of Sadness. I don't get what they are saying, if they are saying anything, but it looks crazy.



But whatever - there is a point where I just feel like ... I'm missing something. "The Juice". So, it is this kind of ultra dark depression that leeches all the life and joy out of it - and though that were the extreme I wanted, it isn't within the proper realm of sanity. Here a different sense of pragmatism applies. And I think this is where my obsession with myself splits ways with what matters IRL, ... which at the very least is something along the lines of the ultra dark not being the only thing that matters. And yea - that is again a place for the 'pet' bit. And in that realm of gratitude - there were those times where I experienced myself in animal form, tied up and wild; With a certain male though bound to be female spine, ... but once released from those bonds I was a tame male puppy. And that is the 'real' sense of freedom I get out of this, I guess. I mean - otherwise its ... complicated.
Or, well, it revolves around Toilet Slavery being like a vacuum. Toilet Slavery for once rather refers to a ritual of bonding - while, the purpose is to bond the slave into a given situation on a basis of 'dehumanification'. That is basically to sever the ties that keep society liable to refer to the individual as a human being. In my situation it is described as subsequent to an abduction whereby I find myself raped consistently, as a form of punishment without any particular goal, ... and my only peace is have some freedom in it is to become their toilet slave, thereby however subscribing to even more of that rape as well. This in my sense comes in form of a wedding - which is only loosely attached to the narrative though. This relationship however sets the fundamental principles of what this toilet slavery basically entails. The ritual is a re-occuring thing as the individual by firstly committing to it enters a cycle of doom by which it is bound to crave the one thing (the situation) for the other (the ritual) - while in both cases existing in a limbo of effective personal freedom. It is hereby important, I assume, that it is as real as it is a voluntary condition. To to mention any specific acts or cycles though. Well, it is finally this freedom that engages with the situation, thus being bound into a given condition; Which then finally works from multiple angles. So there is no need to be super serious or melodramatic about it! Thats ... important. To me at least. Thats how it is supposed to work, as also stressing that: no devotion without confirmation! I think we can see that as separate from 'affection' whereby affection were general attractions as the ones I mentioned earlier.

So, here affection is something we cannot control. Or isn't under control. Its our "evil twin" sotospeak. It might seem like one and the same to you ... probably. Just keep on mind that I can't really tell you any differences because I don't really remember well enough from before I got in - possibly because I didn't pay any attention to that. Where the heart is in is a totally different thing. While in some cases both share the same spot, in other cases they relativistically speaking couldn't be further apart.



However, so, within Toilet Slavery the issue becomes that I despise dirty stuff, but I crave it as well. I crave it also to confirm my situation of captivity, as a bond of 'lustfull enthrallment' - while on the other end this takes it to my mind that I am in this situation because I like to eat shit, to show to myself what a slut/sow I am. The attached wedding hereby constitutes that as a Rape Slave the only thing I'm allowed to want is getting raped.
The point is that this is ultimately an absence of freedom as consequence of freedom; And is enforced to a really ... significant extent. In the further sense does it constitute myself as also in terms of who I am to Monica, ... that ... further makes me believe that ... I can't be wrong about any of it. One thing supports the other. So, whatever my male significance - I think its reasonable to say that my life is still going to be pretty dark. Relatively speaking. And yes, at the very bottom I'm fine with homosexual interactions. I mean - my proposed Father is something I can bond with even as a guy. Though, once and for all, feminization is always a part of it. Unless maybe at the bottom of it all where most of everything are just abstracts.

That Father would be Monicas Husband, Friend, Relative ... or even she herself. But then I'd also rather be a girl.



My shady (yes, cos I got high) theology thus far

Catherine Zeta-Jones resembles Mary, the 'Mother of God' Mary, a.k.a. "the Queen of Darkness". Then there is Amanda, or Baphomet, now possibly that female Gargoyle with them three huge Hoses. I were one of his high priestesses, corresponding to one of those cocks. And no, I have no shame in acquiring foreign culture here - at all! Thereby I am his daughter, whereby I am 'Demonified' - as in, thats my species. Then there is the Mother and the Child, which constitutes into Motherly parented child abuse. The Mother and her two Daughters constitute ... well the two daughters make up the head of Gaia and Nyx - Nyx being set up as Dominant upon Gaia where Gaia is the classical Salve/House-Pet. I as the cum drowned Gargoyle am set beneath that as chained to that Mothers throne - or alternately something else - while yet settled as beneath them. We could call her Isis - which shouldn't be confused with what I make of Madonna. Madonna is hereby closer to the Devil while the Mother is closer to a Bride of his. Confusing.


I don't dabble in these things all that much anymore. Seems like its off my hands. But neither in anything specific ... much.

What bothers me now however is adultery. That line of reasoning did never conclude into anything meaningful ... . I almost forgot that it was a thing. I mean, it was off my head - completely. But - if this is to be trusted it speaks of a very morbid relationship between Monica and me - but however dark I were about to draw it, the Love in the beginning is what makes it all through to the end. It were awkward for something to fail just because you think that the one you love thinks you are a nuisance. And even if so, she would still love you for some reason and another. And thats what ultimately matters. As I tried to repeatedly say ... err ... that we start to matter as parts of other peoples lives. We are what we are to them.

This way we can bend to the likes of others without loosing out on our own - and others bend to our likes without loosing out on their own.

Morbid as - really bound into my own doom. My husband is my pimp and owns me as a whore, my wife turns me into her daughter, ... while my mother is a sex slave endowed to drown me beneath herself. Getting screwed so my other Mothers then ... well, mystery, ... stranger/father? friends can have their go on me ... which ... seems kindof crowded ... basically - but, it really starts the other way. First there is Monica, and as I turn into an animal while she continues as a human there is a certain parture wherein now a whole lot of this stuff is tailored together. And well, it - just kindof stops here.




I mean - this too happens from time to time. A ... shallow feeling of thinking too much about it. Those are certainly products of my fantasy as ... well ... 'smoke' from the fire. I mean - I get that the emotions I perceive are to some extent subject to how I set my mind up, with different ways to go here and there - while all in all speaking of the major vibe of my mood. This is generally dark and set into depression, which basically obscures access to the other bit where the love actually matters. Hmm ... how was that? It happens at the end of a long time of opression that I come to return to her - where within further exploits I'm also living as a pet.


I have now obviously lost myself to this topic for way too long now. So, whats left? ... we'll see!

Pet Life

CNS.2017.06.05|19:42



Not even done yet! Phew. But however ... troubled. I mean - I am about to not continue this anymore because I derailed into this topic so much; And I think that nobody would read it. Once I go down that road sooner or later everything feels meaningless - and so I come back to what I wrote earlier. "Deal with it".

And yea - to continue that, ... there is that "point of overkill". I would say its that. Its not as though some fuse burned out, but ... that also works.
Makes me feel stupid too! In simpler words am I taken to a point where I feel like that none of that matters. And it confuses me ... I can't even really explain it other than 'poof'. I mean yea, I've been there before. My head is clear but as I lean left or right. But this is now slightly different. The pressure was gone. I mean, most of the time I'm in this flux that urges me to write more and more about this topic. And as I got to rest I also figured that this is how this writing comes together; As opposed to how previous attempts to write about this or that "failed" - this flux would keep me going and it is me accumulating an anti-stance towards writing about these things that I also get 'boxed' out of my "writing job". On the deeper layer it is in this 'mood' of being open about it where I get to write more effectively about it. And this I have to come and do on my own. I don't have a lot of moral support - which I don't intend as a complaint but its still a fact that factors in.

I mean, I think I've been here before and ... well, whatever.


[sigh]. Anyway ... I think the problem is a strange one. It yea - it feels like I'm "stunned" ... in a sense thats ... kindof the odd thing here. Its like I all of a sudden have a lost expectation; So - an expectation I've had being lost - so I'm confused. Its like I was building up to something - and then it just wasn't there.

And then in a weird way things don't make sense anymore. //06.06|23:29//

So, what is it? This thing bothers me right now. As I slept and slept again - the answer is there - but why is it different when I'm sober?

And anyway, now its gone. The issue were that I was trying to consolidate something - to ... well, ultimately make the point ... well, its basically simple but still somehow not. In all simplicity its about how strong or true or seriously or diligently the Force acts in that regard. But - "what do I know?". I know now very clearly that there is a strong difference between being high and not. When not high I have an easier time gaining distance from this topic. Right now I'm sortof caught up in this, so ... I first have to make an end to this to explore more freely. I guess. Though nothing actually keeps me from just doing some other thing anyway. I mean, actually as in not actually. I mean, nothing logically keeps me from going there. But still I'm too much wound up in this for some reason. Well. In regards to how strong the force now acts - that in these terms however compares to the last time I really spent some time on this topic and what that meant for me. Also a bit in between. Yet so there is this idea that things would all of a sudden go "crazy" - and I would be wound up within everything I described - and that polarizes the sense, meaning or value of whether or not that will be the case. So, there is a truth. Lets put it into a box with a big question-mark on it. Or make that an exclamation mark but then I feel like I have to add: "and nobody knows what it is", just so for the sake of the picture. In regards to what I've done previously, there is in my mind a certain truth that I keep expressing. The more I consider it to be true, the more I certify various ideas - and this process ultimately gets things "spinning", as so 'more and more' crazy shit seems to happen. Which again creates the discussion whether its true or not. Then time passes, I lean heavily to the side to write about other things; And when I mention it even just a teeny tiny bit, not even being however specific, its like "shit hits the fan".
And then I'm bound to get deeper into the subject. Its not as much 'me' that is provocative here - it is rather so that the "reason to provoke" is being revealed.


First of all: Calm down! Why would you not? "The enemy wouldn't calm down either! Its a trick!" So ... Stay alert! Why would you not? "Fearmongering! Tinfoil hat wearers! xxx...ophobes!". There is a strong tension when it gets to Racial issues for instance. And I think it heavily ties to the fact that both sides have a point and nobody knows how to draw the necessary destinctions. And its more complicated than that because the world doesn't stop spinning, in the sense that the issues are very real 'in the now' - and what I say to that is a lot about trust. First of all 'Trust in God'. That 'would be' rule #1, but ... there is a lot to be said about it - and I wouldn't just make up some rules. Maybe so within a given writing to have some basis of an argument. When I thought about rules I got to make clear that the reason why we don't have any rules is basically the one rule there is, but, its not a rule as much as it is a reason. The next were 'trust in each other', which in this sense were part of rule #1, and its all about learning how we can through God trust each other. So this is about learning to rely on God based upon a living, personal relationship and on that basis being able to find the place where those are that are in the same category of enlightenment. And now think about what is in that box.

What could there be in it? Very clear at the moment: It is something that for some reason would be worth hiding. But it could also be world peace. That depends on how strongly the content of the box is equal to or dependent on the argument I just made around "rule #1"; And dependent on how good this rule #1 is at establishing world peace.

The middle class is shrinking - and that most likely due to a mass-growth of population. Sooner or later the problems will be about fitting as much into a small enough space as possible; And sooner or later - that is my estimate - we have to re-arrange into larger communities than just families and single households. The single household is maybe the worse thing that there is, economically speaking. Communities however ... they tend to fall apart as we individually strive for our own ... whatever. Lets just say 'perfection'.//00:38






Regarding that which is in the box, that is ... a manyfold. To slap a label on it I went by the first word I had for it, and thats 'clarity'.

In the sense, so far we got to the classic 'egoism vs. sacrifice' point; And sure, the first bigger insight is that 'working for the community' is the way to go. This work ensures stability. Now a 'silly' question: Who does it, if there is not enough work for everybody? But more to the point: What community?

Either we believe in peace - or we believe in genocide. For the peacelovers - it is clear that this community is all of us. That because there is no way of subtracting anyone from existence. Not in the intentional at least. Hereby clarity is to me that which God gives us to speak of our own interests in Light of God. That means that what we call 'norm' is usually biased. That because norms exist as a metaphysical abstract between isolated individuals that fluctuate within a nexus of interactions. Within this we tend to take stances rather 'reactively' - as shaped self-expression towards society. In social regards this lends itself as a foundation for interaction - where we 'assume' a norm from how we learned to exist in balance with that which is familiar to us. So we express an idea and then depend on feedback.
Over time we however get to have tendencies - towards this or that. There are things we like and things we dislike. This at that point is our individual 'identity' - but the more individual we get, the more likely we are to contradict to any given social norm; Or in other words: We yet depend on society to provide us a platform to fully be what we 'like' to be. So, in a society where homosexuality is taboo - the homosexual person, well, 'doesn't fit in'. But then in a society where homosexuals are accepted, homophobes don't truely fit in. So I would come to rule #2. Whatever you say God tells you is true for others am I entitled to call bullshit! And the I there stands for everybody. What an individual is allowed to be before God is in first place a thing between God and the individual. So, at the point where you know what is right for others, others already know what is right for them. If you want to be quicker than that, you miss out on understanding what is right for you!


And so, whats great about America? Well, as ... for some time America was Liberty. What I know 'is' germany is because of America. The philippines owe America too. But to be honest - whenever I think about whats so great about it, I totally ignore Islam. So, ... however. Beyond all that, ... the issue isn't to "stylize" America as 'Saviour' - thats not my intent but ... its what I do. The intent however is to say that 'Liberty', 'Freedom of Speech', the Greek legacy, the French Revolution, it lived on in America as opposed to getting crushed by Socialist regimes.

So - the 'free world' - at that point being the USA, France and Britain - within the sphere of 'my' horizon - I mean yea, those next to Russia were the occupants of germany after WW2. What we now have, here, this 'influx of Refugees' is a testimony for what has come of that. It stands for the Liberation from Oppression; That 'we' are on the 'bright' side of things. This isn't America. This isn't France or Germany or the UK. This is 'the free world'.

This isn't the EU either. It can be Russia, or South Korea, Taiwan, ... whatever. If we forget what makes us different, ... we could assume that we were to get stuck in the mud that we are trying to escape. And this isn't about being different for the purpose of being different - but about the difference that is the difference. Diversity is a consequence. So we may question: Why does this 'Liberation' not seem to work in the middle-east?
There was another incident - known as 'the Vietnam war' - where the USA got heavily involved as "the Liberators" fighting "evil Communism", where my favourite statistic is the bullet-to-kill ratio. Lots of Bullets wasted; And "yet another" story where the USA/west seems to be more of a druglord and pimp prior to anything else.

The big difference would be that Hitler was pretty much a real and immanent threat. Another difference would be that with Nukes on the table, the whole story of waiting for an immanent threat to emerge, ... well, weighs in a bit differently. But it shows us in what kind of a balance we're in. We don't need war! We just need to be able to somehow figure things out.



And so - lets get back to clarity. Thereby I have an intimate experience of God, one that refracts with who I am - and as of that I can give you a picture of what I am like. That is one side of the story.

The other side of that story is that in various ways I am subject to rules of a system that I devote to; that being an individual bottom line for me in regards to how I understand myself within society, whereby society is to follow a certain pattern corresponding to what I have grown up like; Saying: I don't believe that God does grow me to be something that ultimately doesn't fit into anything. I don't want to, at least. So what I am leads me to be attracted to those that are like me; Which is another basis for a community to stick together.

Isn't happiness the moment where our dreams come true? Or at least where we can achieve our goals? What goals? Being an individual lost in a society I don't fit into - what goals can I have? I can have those that are the 'norm' here, but whats going on inside me independently goes against that. But I'm a bit of a ... "special snowflake" in that regard as well. Nothing ever seems to be right. I'm not that type of guy that could entertain a classical relationship with somebody. But maybe that is just because I didn't find the right someone yet. Otherwise I however spend a lot of time on my own - ...



... peace in the middle east:

Before we know whom we can trust down there, we need to understand ourselves. Its a bad moment to have an identity crisis I suppose, but after all the crisis is the response to some unforeseen event. If we can establish for ourselves on which side we stand we can reach out to those that want to be with us. Wherever we find them, we can count them in as one and thereby establish a clear basis for a solid who is who - and if we can 'start' our support on the basis of humanitarian aid rather than weapons, then we have a clear basis for prosperity. And unification with God for me is the way to go!



Along with this will however come the question in how far rules and rights have to change in regards to individual communities. The issue is that norms can become really abstract between one social spectrum and another. Like between mammals and insects. Or plants and rock. But clearly, if we want to live we also have to let live - by which I mean that when we agree to our own standards, we have to acknowledge that outside different rules apply. These respectively don't bother us too much once we're in our own bubbles; And so these can very well embrace lower and higher sets of standards. Lower ones in favour of diversity and higher ones for the code of conduct. How this translates into reality is a different thing. Where many people of different background come together there is however that. A normalization of sort through politeness and formality. But on the lower end we get to its opposite. Political Incorrectness and crude entertainment as a big mindless summary of whats going on in this world. (and narrators).
Did you know that the Simpsons have a lot of fans amongst the higher educated? It is something of a common theme within the nerd channels on YouTube. At the very least does the 'Mathologer' not make his personal love for it a big secret. What I mean is that this is something you might not expect; Like finding anyone "as reasonable as me" to be a believer or a fan of Southpark. Or to find anything meaningful in Southpark at all. And in the end, both are genuine products of freedom. Nobody could have anticipated an individual concepts success - I want to believe - arguing from the perspective of looking at their creators in the light of their ideas. Yes, propaganda does in some way also end up fitting that description. Here we however have propaganda for absurdity and chaos - disguised as propaganda for sanity and order. Whatever you will - its funny.

But then - who lives that far out under a rock?

I would describe it further as some magical eclipse. Like a hologram. Or like you can actually only see an occuring eclipse fully from within a certain region. And that these have become predictable encourages me in my belief that astronomers know a fair bit about what they are talking about!

But yay - good point. Astronomy was for me the secret ingredient to really fully finding a (fandom-ish) Love for science. Understanding quantum-physics made a whole lot more sense - well, when looking at Neutron Stars or Stars in general. What a 'plasma' is or might be. And I believe that this isn't knowledge that kids can't understand. But on the other hand there are issues concerning their practical understanding as opposed to theoretical stuff. And so is Junior Corps even a fair solution asking for a proper distribution of learning material. JC encorporates everything that is practical - while on the theoretical end substituting any "physical common sense" class; While science and parental interests can get along with each other when science can begin introducing itself as the world as it is rather than the world that isn't.

But yea, Southpark. If you look at it from the side you only see a lot of nonsense. But when you look at it straight forward, you see a funny sharade that mirrors the absurdities of our reality.
Though yea, the earlier seasons are possibly just nonsense to settle some general tone.
And at the end of the day it is just nonsense. But seeing more in it than just that is to me, well, something a bit as a ray of light. But ... did South Park really lower the bar ... as it asks itself in that one episode? Is it their fault that the world got more and more absurd?
Asking me - I think that it had some space to grow in in first place. In that sense were its mere existence absurd enough to warrant for its discontinuation. As it so would be the case when asked for whether or not 'an alien probe that turns into a satellite dish coming out of the anus of an elementary school kid' were entertainment appropriate for children. Our world was absurd already - for this to ever be a thing - and at the base of this absurdity we find freedom. The freedom to entertain and the freedom to being entertained. And after the success of married with children it would only be a matter of time for something like South Park to come up. So when thinking of South Park we only speak of a continuation of something that has already come before; And I got to admit that Married with Children did strongly contribute to my image of women. And it is weird. "Females" that don't fit into the 'beauty' category of women portrayed there don't really even register as women. But on the other side the men are always portrayed as neanderthals that wear their imperfections with pride. And there's that silver lining. If Al Bundy is your personal hero, ... or lets turn that around - how highly can a person think of itself if Al Bundy is one of its heroes? A man whoms greatest achievement it is to have socks that were so smelly that they helped aliens fuel their spaceship to get off of this planet. Or 4 touchdowns in one game - depending on whom you ask. I think this might be worth a debate. Would it surprise you that I ended up quite like him? Just without wife and children though.

But, on the other side I can neither hold on to valuables. I mean - the thought "would I only have held on to ..." my Gameboy for instance, then "nope *** error", that thing wouldn't sell today. I for some reason used a golden ink to color my Gameboy pocket - just to see how ugly it went and to scratch it off later. And similar marks cover everything I had that might be of value. Like a complete and buffed deck of the DBZ Collectable Card Game.

But what can I say? Sharon Stone, Marvels Jean Grey, Chun Li, Mortal Kombat, ... these portrayals of women weren't the only ones I was exposed to - but those are the ones I got drawn to. And I'm not even a huge Mortal Kombat fan!

So yea - I'm most definitely into women.




When it gets to my future I however got to think in terms of my identity. This is now where it gets to the system of rules. That would at first be anything that is 'normal' amongst your people, the norm that makes your society work. To me there is however a certain pressure - whereby, the thing is that 'if that trend continued' ... then I 'will be [this]' in that far of a future, like, 1 million years. So we're at some point speaking of aeons and aeons of life - and up unto a certain point I kept wondering how this would work - 'infinitely' - how we as individuals could even bear an eternal existence imagining that we at some point would come to forever and ever repeat the past. But it turns out that this is a flawed imagination. It is inherantly 'non infinite' - as, if it were infinite there would not ever be a need to return to anything yet another time. But we still would love to do certain things repeatedly - but then every now and then something different or new. The point is that we eventually accumulate a subset of habits; Be that the good or the bad part; But all the time we grow and change. A second hobby adds "this and that" to your reality - or a lack of meaning drives you out looking for Adventure. And all the time our past changes the reality of anything we come to do. I can hereby feel myself as projected into a far future - and to some extent 'be' that - but that does not yet reflect myself accurately. You can compare that to becoming a great tennis player where you want to have a strong arm and good reactions. What I mean is that it takes time to build up muscles and control - it has to become part of your mindset - and we're here not talking of a particular skill. We're talking about the small nuances of "character". So when a couple decides to be together, they both inherit the other persons freedom as a given. But so would they also subscribe to a common center - so the changes from whatever to whatever - don't disrupt their being together. And this is less about changing, but more a "sticking to whats definitely fine!". But - whatever.

Well. Regarding that what is in the box - one reason why it may have to be hidden is because it is exists based on a "charge" within me that somehow, well - "ignites" a demand for a society that would otherwise not come to be. Well, pretty much like Eve earns all the blame for something that may have happened at any point later down the road by pretty much anyone. So - I don't mean to earn all the credit for it. But well, I'm hiding it here because I'm 'shamed' into doing so.



So, to me there is a threshhold - where I'm like a thing that either floats on the surface or floats underneath it. When 'above' there is just me as an ordinary every day life type of person; But that however not in regards to my reactive identity. What I have become inside structures my awareness - but what I am outside determines my reality. This to the point that the 'inside awareness' could be a thing that society doesn't support, for instance. It inwardly turns real - and this is always a given back and forth between imposed forces and personal freedom.
Here social pressure can help us getting through the day. And - in and of itself - the entire spectrum between trust, diversity and freedom - how we challenge ourselves or keep up the motivation - ... this should come second to pursuing our higher goals.

What I am, in a million years, and aeons from there on - that to my understanding is established on a given agreement. This marriage leans to a social concept from where the primary rules of how we intend to align with each other are being derived. When submerged - or so to say: Regarding that which is in the box - I 'crave' for these forces that complement this social "interface". So when above, well, I just let that be; And hence it isn't really a productive stance when talking about clarity. I mean, giving credit to the forces that define the targetted society is giving credit to the social norms that have become part of the targetting identity.

So, when lifting the curtain, we get to two things to look at: The 1) highest 'order' of the 2) 'individual' normality. 1) Is here about culture - basically - but also more like religion in that it provides a general baseline -a.k.a. lifestyle- as cultural stream or settlement.
2) Subsequently further diversifies 1) into many different categories or identities or groups - whatever. 2) is thereby closer to the individual while 1) is "as general as it gets". Being any more general would be totally not individual anymore.
Within a community of belonging you can naturally pronounce yourself more clearly, as - that what you can contribute to society is no longer only your sole individual independent responsibility - but weighed out within a social balance.



Satanism is in this regard not about being Anti God or Anti Christ - but more about being the 'Unholy' in opposition to the 'Holy'. This leans to the fact that in a Theocentric perfection we have to abstract the 'Divine Constant' in favour of diversity. 'Diversity of God' in favour of a 'diversity of lifestyles'. Therein however there still is the 'Holy' - that within which divine perfection consists - and there is the 'Unholy' that basically "forces" the Holy to define itself in a more concise manner or otherwise emerges as consequence to the Holy doing so. Where God so ultimately demands monotheistic autonomy, being the One that He is, the Unholy resorts to blasphemy. Sounds terrible? Well, this isn't a hating on God! No smearing of any kind. It happens that in a pursuit of understanding we end up making destinctions like: Hurting other people is bad. And we so hold that up as a social norm and in this sense gets associated with 'Light'. There then however are sadistic and masochistic people that by this rule cannot exist legally; And naturally in and of itself there is no reason why they couldn't enjoy themselves were it not for us thinking about right and wrong and coming up with such silly definitions. But then, what about that definition is silly? So, on the base we want to all agree on the Rules of Light, ... but within certain conditions the norm may still very well be 'dark', comparitatively.
Like ... its difficult to think of the holy bonds of marriage when planning a gangbang!
Mind will ultimately 'bend' to a vocabulary that suits its needs the best; And what we have in the unholy is at first only conceptually right; But through God contribution it becomes something that we can effectively relate to as God - 'uncensored'. But so it gets clear that "thanking Jesus" while whipping someone tied to a wooden contraption fitted with leather ... well, that doesn't quite fit - ... . So we individually worship God through what He is giving us - and the Unholy are all the things that defy the Light - thus also giving the Light its space to 'breathe'. So while those of the Light have God given rules and orders and what not, we have. We however refer to Sin and Lust as good things. On the perverse side there are issues like marrying someone just to have substance to being adulterous. This helps getting along with individual preferences 'and' something of a 'less critical stance about mating'. Its so just getting rid of the 'fake layer of mutual respect' - sotospeak - to make space for a different normal view on things.

Clarity thereby does come 'as' a Label. A word that then attracts you to mirror yourself through it - and thus becomes a standing pillar of identity. From there on things happen rather independently from that word; But it stays there - and is finally the one thing you can on top of everything 'add' to what you are within God.

So, when speaking of my Clarity I speak of what I am in face of God. And here I am a whore. In terms of the Unholy, I am a slave - captive - a prisoner turned into a mere object. This is true within everything inside me. But in reality I'm a lazy guy doing nothing all day but sitting in front of his computer and playing Playstation.
Well, you can see the correlation if you think about it! Instead of a Dungeon my misery ... well, found other ways into my life. I can't do much - in terms of motivation to go out and socialize; I'm by my own habits and preferences of well being locked into my own room - with nothing but a computer and a playstation setup to spend my time with. And more and more I'm using my PS4 to watch porn. This doesn't make me a slave, but it certainly makes me useless to some extent.
Online I don't engage a lot socially either - and well, I think the worse thing about me at this point is that these things are already inherantly egoistic. I see myself as privileged to 'slander', while this slandering however attributes a lot to my individuality. So in speech I'm vain, arrogant, ignorant and egoistic - in form of a poison that I'm addicted to. As a slave that is mostly cut off from a general amount of freedom while even for mere symbolism put into a uniform of some sort; Those things don't even matter that much. I'm not 'free' to act them out - but they allow me to have a character within the confines of my existence. Further - since this is mostly the enactment of a roleplay - these are to me something of a blindspot. My positive ambitions are channeled around these - so they don't really manifest in any of those ways. The thing is that I can't help but being ignorant - but so what good I am is in overcomming that ignorance. As I know that I'm ignorant I learned to depend on given certainties and adapted to the chance of failure. One certainty I learned is that God is helping me, ... and due to my fallability I entrust my fortune to Him entirely.
Thats only logical.

That I am vain inside also gives me a lot of autonomous satisfaction. And it wouldn't be the only thing inside of me that works like a drug factory set on autopilot aimed at highering the dosage. So I'm pretty contempt with and about myself. I can sit through a lot of depression though ultimately its God who keeps on giving me the fundamental supplements to satisfaction.
It is then when these traits are no longer a virtue, or ... necessary - then the other stuff kicks in. This is where we simply enjoy our lives for the sake of enjoying it. When we call the day a day and realize that you can't save the entire Galaxy in a single day. The one side is what we may set aside under 'self understood' - as some logical ground for ignoring Clarity. We can say, yes - Clarity can be ignored when shit really hits the fan and everything else were impractical. Both ways however there will be some resistence from the individual at some point; And Clarity is as a source of gravity in that any structural instabilities end up being arranged in favour of it. There are things that break apart more and others that break apart less easily.


A thing regarding arrogance, vanity and such for instance is that I want to be worshipped as exalted above God - and yea. It is a linguistic glitch ... that "Mother of Eternity" is a title that a human could bear, given that Eternity had no social interaction of any kind prior to the first born human being. This 'daughter' and then also 'mother' would then come to be the 'Bride of God/Eternity' and thus Queen of Heavens. Here one story has it that God wanted to pleasure his wife, but by doing so opened up an abyss in her since whence she evolved into a nymphomaniac. Thus God slapped the Label 'whore' on her and threw her into the realm of darkness, wherein she then sought a captivator capable of fulfilling her lust and ended up as Slave of the Devil ... labelled a "Sow".

So, it is not that I wouldn't have to work for my induglence. If anything I need to learn how to take things more easily. Maybe. That at least is my go to strategy. Now, however. By these associations I get to a feeling that I get in many other ways too - a feeling of self - and it grows and becomes more and more nuanced. Whenever this occurs, my then given appreciation of it adds a copy of itself into it - and whenever touched from another side this very moment still contributes to the whole. Over time this identity accumulated more and more weight - to the point where I metaphorically speaking 'can't lift it' anymore. This is what I try when I try to be "normal". I can lean out a bit, but the consequence isn't like a structural stress - its just weight. Hereby slavery entails being enslaved. Duh. This feeling is in first place given to me by God. It builds up my fundamental understanding and thus the conclusion is that my closest intimate associate is just a step away. And it constitutes an imagage of what I'll be in a million years. This time will come like ... in no time ... but yet, this picture is outlined by fundamental social arrangements that "warrant" a given correctness to the result. As being a captive is reflected within all the little indicators like shackles and not having a lot of space for decision making. And thats where the thresshold is at. Taking that flip from ... disregarding the reality of it to ... acknowleding its ties into eternity. There I then have to give credit those pressures that draw the curve of my future as it spirals towards a center that constitutes a 'now 'and' then' - and certain parts of this curve are places me like to visit already, even before they ever happened. I think this comes in two segments. There is part 1 - that will be our 'cut off' past - and a 'phase 2' where we have a settled 'spiral of existence' that leaves all the old junk behind. Whatever. The big deal here is that there are certain pressures that are necessary for this curve to go "that way". In another sense would that be a matter of issues regarding what is good for me and what not - where facts matter, not oppinion. But there will certainly also be space for oppinion - as an object-subject relationship does provide.
And hereby our norm is dictated by God as we are bonded together. And to my understanding there is 'one' forever someone - and trusting in God to that basic bit already bypasses a lot of the whats and nots. I might go on and describe forever how I feel - but yea - in the end thats drawing a tunnel wherein all the little things that matter over time are arranged into a circle. Its within our God-given harmony that we will live up to our ideals, ... and everything else just doesn't really matter all that much.

To me at least.


Malice in Wonderland. A movie about a captive that broke out, explored the world and figured she liked being a captive after all. Or a girl that is caught up in a psychedelic cycle of doom.


Slavery should however not be a real thing. I mean - if we didn't have that freedom, we were slaves - in my oppinion. But of course that to me is in first place about 'being' one, which means - I give myself into it freely, while there is a relationship/social-network ready to support it. And thats how its different from the other cake.

Me, if I were to ever be free after growing up in captivity(/sex-slave) - so I like to think - I would not know what is normal, and once nothing is being demonized - I would probably still want to be a Sex-Slave.
And so, whats there when lifting the box and showing whats in it - I from this angle come to my concept of 'growth'. In that sense a selection of images that roughly represents a feeling. The pictures I get are pictures of ... well, being a captive exposed to sexual abuse. And this would be as a frame for pictures of abundant compliance to being sexually abused. This stylized by a background glorifying enthrallment and abduction.


If that is too much for you, maybe generalize it as unholy and evil; Because thats what it is. There is a clear violation of 'some' idea of 'good' that is going on - where the general idea is to subjectify human beings or to exist as subjectified human being. While degrees of freedom may vary - the bottom line for me right now is that its all relative to the respective norm; And thus ultimately relationships ... and that is however going to play out somehow.





Bottom Line Fishing


CNS.2017.06.07|08:33