<- Paper Thingy! It reads: [Eating Disorder with longer enduring Adjustmentdisorder,
returning depressive detuning, Tensionheadache]. And here's a video from the Dishonored Wolf.
And basically I just wanted to add something. One thing. He describes depression as your mind turning against you - and while that is
correct I believe I can add a bit more depth to that.
Its funny because in this video he's actually playing a Videogame that works as a great Metaphor. One could also try and explain it by
... lets imagine an "Anti Gravity Source" that sporadically turns into a Gravity Source ever so often. I think it is really important
to mention that the person suffering depression doesn't have any real control upon this - ... the only thing one can do is to overlay
his/her own thoughts upon it and hope that this trail of thought works as some kind of slide upon which you eventually transition out
of this mood.
Maybe a bit like this scene in Rush Hour where Jackie Chan hangs up there at the ceiling of that building and he can't hold himself
anymore and drops; So Tucker goes and grabs that flag to catch his fall. Its pretty much like that. As though the floor all of a sudden
turned into an abyss and you start falling and the only hope you got is to perhaps ... cynically put ... flap with your hands; And
while in a dreamworld (its a metaphor after all) this effort ... might cause some shift and ... whatever. That ain't the important
part. That, perhaps think of it as calling upon JinduJun - but I figure that everyone has different means of coping with this problem.
Some people might end up hurting themselves as they see that they're gonna land flat on the ground anyway, so one might as well start
to get used to it.
Its not like you could keep yourself afloat either. Its like all your positive thoughts, lets say they are blue, all of a sudden turned
negative, lets say red. Its like being sucked into some mirror universe while those nasty thoughts draft upon whatever depressing
knowledge you hold on your head anyway - and I think those might be where the real nasty of depression kicks in - as distraction might
help to draft upon thoughts that don't hold any of this negative potential.
The best way to explain it might mayhap be my own experience. I have had depressive detunings every once in a while; But I wouldn't
recognize them as depression. The feeling though were as though your heart started to bleed while demanding all of your minds resources
to heal. I might be somehow strong in that regard; As I to myself at least come to boast my spiritual fortitude. I believe I'm immune
to going crazy because my objective reasoning safeguards me against that. And every night I basically get a lot of generally positive
experiences (which yea, might ... seem depressing, but ... they're not). At the very least the spirit comes in to comfort me and so I
do have something of an emotional cussion.
The point where I had to acknowledge that I am in deed suffering depression (although I actually didn't - it just turns up as fact in
hindsight) was that as my eating disorder is somewhat rampant right now - I at one point found myself actually legitimately thinking
of ... or ... it was more than that. Moving into the attitude of - yea that works - starving to death. Eating at this point is pretty
much a nuisance to me, a burdaining necessity while there is barely anything I actually enjoy eating - or what I enjoy eating usually
drains on my energy ... or if I order pizza or pasta or get me a burger I kindof start to hate myself for it. Maybe because its too
expensive, or I could get more food if I would I spent my money not on such stuff - but actually having a full fridge doesn't help
either. The last time I had a full fridge, half of the food I had spoiled away. Maybe thats an exaggeration but I guess I have some
6+ month old pack of ... quick-make potatoes in there. I mean, fried potatoes. With bacon. I never got around making it and by now I'm
just too lazy to throw it away as I figure that its sealed in a vacuum anyway so ... screw it!
I had a box of rotten milk in there for a couple of month and just recently got around throwing out some old cheese that was already
dry. Along side some saussages that already had some good amount of multi-colored mold on it.
Maybe having an eating disorder is good. I mean, the upside to it is that I don't really want to drink alcohol.
And I'm kindof not even joking there! Except that I'm not really the drinking guy. But that may be because I never really had a lot of
meat on my ribs. "Echo".
I mean, I'm not strictly anti-alcohol either. But yea - I think that being 'drunk' wasn't ever really my thing - I mean, its good -
yea, good - err ... where am I going with this? Its not like everyone with meat on their ribs is an alcoholic either. ... Uh, well -
I might be actually depressed right now and that for most of the day too - which isn't to b.. lets try that again.
The opposite of depression would be to me some sort of uplifting feeling. Like a wind-breeze. And by that I particularly mean 'nothing
specific'. Like, if you are 'hopeful' and you can associate some feeling to it that kindof resonates with the term 'energy' - its already
something and that something is that within depression can have a negative impact. I ... hate hope. I guess thats ... kindof ... a thing
... when someone suffers depressions. Logically I mean.
Hope leads to disappointments - and once that is kindof what you are actually thinking/believing in - and this is all just digesting my
own words rather than speaking of experience, kindof - you would start to generally look at things negatively and it'd be down to the good
within 'the now' that'd ... make your life worth the while.
For the most part I didn't think of myself as depressed. It only occurs to me now in hindsight that yea - I do actually ... kindof ...
look at my life and think its shit. That ... has obvious reasons. For the most part I take that in context to some kind of betterment that
I experience due to the recent steps I've taken. I would come home for instance, into my "dark chamber", ... and the three recent places
I stayed at were really bad to be at during summer. A) Directly under the roof. B and C - window towards the southside. Anyway. I came
home with nothing to really like about it - except I had something on my mind that took me directly back into business. Eventually I'd
find myself roaming around outside and found it somehow positive - yet depressing - as, ... I realized that I had no motivation to roam
around and no interest to go home either. I guess thats why these doctors would ask for relationships or beloved ones amongst the first
things to probe for.
And so we get to my mindfuck. Having nothing to really go for in my life, with my Mission being considerably 'lost' and there being no
hope to steer that around, ... what could I do? I guess instead of consuming alcohol I fucked myself over by diving into my programming
and consuming information. Raping my head - basically. And thats what eventually happened. It was ... 2014 or 15 ... and I worked on my
program after having some re-ignited inspiration after I read myself into Astronomy, Astrophysics and Quantum Physics - which in my head
is all kindof the same thing - ... and as opposed to my previous living conditions I had access to weed - and so I really dove in hard.
I relied a lot on my 'on the fly wisdom' - didn't really plan out what I'd do (I tried to, but so far I barely have any experiences of
taking notes having any practical effect. Mostly my notes just end up being weight in some bag I might end up carrying around with me
or ... eventually dump somewhere) - and so I found myself working at multiple corners at once, ... which ... you might compare that to
cancer. I remember that closer to the end of that 'session' I worked on something I then had to figure didn't really make sense and as
I tried to wrap my head around it, well, at some point - something "cracked" - err, ... a headache occured. And because of that I'm by
now taking it rather slow. And I realize that I in no way would have gotten to anything close to what I have now - although I ... don't
really have much - without taking it so.
Add to that, that a huge amount of the stuff actively bothering me is a lot of Antichristian stuff - Jinx nonsense and getting intimated
or laughed at or belittled - feelings of how the enemy reigns grand supreme and gets win after win while I sink further and further into
irrelevance ... with some little bit of hope that doesn't really seem anywhere close to real - well, yea - I don't need to tell you much
about how that doesn't add up to anything all that positive.
Its like ... negative infinity squared.
This however - theory! - has a neat side-effect. Kindof. Until the weed starts getting too much. I mean - as I'm sober all this cracks
in on me and with weed I can then lean back and have some sort of sense re-assemble from all the nonsense on my mind. And to some extent
I do believe that some of what I call clarity is just depression. I mean - once I get a positive outlook onto the future, ... I don't
really get how some of that stuff fits in. Except that with more nuance added to it, it actually starts making sense again. But ... I'll
better save me that for some other time. Like tomorrow when I maybe have some weed.
But yea - that isn't even all of it. I mean - Trump basically told it to the Boy Scouts - there is at this point really no reason to
believe that we're living even in a half-way good world. Thats a side of eveverything I try/like to ignore - but I can't really browse
through porn without seeing the one or the other thing that reminds me of such stuff. First and Foremost: Bad BDSM stuff. I mean - stuff
where the women are obviously unwilling to actually allow themselves to really get tied up. What does that tell you of the trust that
exists between A and B there? Then anything that somehow attracts the term 'Naive'. And thats just the good/harmless stuff. But the
other stuff wouldn't really be visible anywhere. I mean, I have no issues with rich people having Sex Parties; And I dig why they wouldn't
really make it a public event - exclusivity shmexsclusivity, ... whatever, ... there is at some point nothing to say but that they too
are only human - and I don't even care. I really don't. But there is this feeling - I don't know if you know it but I think you do -
which is just like a huge middle finger in big neon lights with the words: Come in - but the way there is kindof ... a minefield of
sorts. Err ... something that kindof goes beyond privacy and has some scent of ... celebrated criminality to it. Then there are figures
like Elijah Wood which give me some tiny sense of hope - like, that its not all utterly corrupt - but that we don't get to hear any
names does again tell a whole other story.
And this is basically what I see as background to the aforementioned 'success of the enemy'. Its not about keeping good things private,
further, its about locking us out. Keeping it unfair and perpetuating it furthermore. Err - yea. I mean - its nothing specific, actually.
Just appearances mixed with paranoia and depression or whatever. And by paranoia I don't mean that I feel like I'm missing out on
someone whom I('d) love - nor do I think of anything specifically graphic. It might all just come down to "harmless" abuse. Or the simpler
idea of getting taunted.
But when shit gets darker than that - it does kindof get really dark. Cannibalism, "numb torture "killing"" - not for screams of pleasure,
and there I can't help but think of people I do or would love. And yea - as I'm writing this I'm once again just watching Secular Talk -
... I mean, its just rolling ... and ... almost everything he talks about is just ... actually concerning! And what do I see when I go
outside? I see ... effectively poor people. Maybe not financially - but flats/apartments where people are kindof "locked away" - into
this world - but whenever I'm in this deep I also right away get to the talking points of ... 'what power do they have, actually?'. I
mean, they don't have more power than that which we give them. But there is the next problem: Information exchange. News. Or: Choices
we (don't) have.
But this isn't really adding up to the depression.
Most of it isn't even real to me. Or at all. Technically. Either way, it doesn't really make a difference. Practically. To set the two
things apart: The depression kicks in as I get home and have nothing that gives me any strength to get into the fight. But on the flipside
its kindof uplifting to see how well the American People defend themselves against their president.
Depression doesn't make me want to cry - or even close to it. Its more of an inner collapse - and then there are those games that only
add up to it. And Destiny really isn't one of them. Its annoying or aggrovating to loose to someone who cheats or just has better aim -
and Dark Souls is also a whole different story. But I barely can play Street Fighter V anymore and have just recently picked up on
Ultra Street Fighter 4 again. SFV is superior in a bunch of ways. Its faster - the timing on combos isn't as rough - and maybe its just
bullshit but I'm now stuck on that feeling that women in that game are purposefully weaker. But I seriously do not want to talk/write
anything about game balance. Not any time soon.
I think its natural to depression that it doesn't really make sense - and well. I think there is something that leads up to those
moments of depression - like, ... some thought comes crawling up and shit happens. And thats just it. There's nothing one can do about
it. Sometimes ... it just ... all starts to suck - and all I can say is that I have now a positive outlook and that is already
helping. And that is the source from which I draw my understanding here.
Depression isn't an external problem - some might say its all purely egotistical. But for anything that doesn't affect me - I can
guess at best. For me - I ... am motivated to eat again. I'm advised not to overdo it - and just 'force feeding' myself did really
not ever work at all. And based on this betterment I'm actually sortof incapable of taking any steps backward. I don't, I can't,
I wouldn't - I ... thats how significant the change. I feel like killing myself, on thinking about 'what if' I were to turn around.
But aside of what you might take from my story I don't have anything better than the Dishonored Wolves advise on this.
All I can do is maybe ... to try to even further the understanding of what depression is.
Where well - yea - ultimately I can find myself lucky in the sense that there seems to be a cure for me. And most of the trouble
understanding this ... may be due to the difficulty in properly understanding/imagining how depression feels like.
I think a lot of it has to do with power. Or the opposite of that. I mean - at that point where I made my mind up to be looking
forward to starve to death, its kindof out there that having little to no satisfaction from eating would lead me to argue to myself
or the cosmos, well, something like: "OK, screw it!". And maybe my dissatisfaction from eating stems from the idea of me feeding
a body I don't actually like to feed. Perpetuating a flawed lifestyle, sustaining a lie.
Power comes into play as I realize ... well, in first place it isn't power per se. Its about what you are - and that that is what
you are carrying through your lifetime. And power comes in with the ability to change that. I mean, think of your body as your
Avatar - and if you on Facebook for instance were blocked from making any changes to your profile. Eventually you wouldn't want to
be on there anymore. Or worse - if it were locked behind a paywall and you'd have to hustle for it and eventually ended up bankrupting
yourself just trying to meet the most basic social needs.
It would also seem to be something that God can't really give you - it were so something within - within yourself - that you needed
to change to some effect. It might not be really obvious at first - although - it might also just be too obvious. And society also
plays a part to it; Although in the end that I think is rather marginal ... if you have the balls to just do the right thing in
spite of what others think or say. But either way ... at the root of it all were the value of freedom.
Anyway - this ... has to end here. Time will tell.