What is Love - again?

I would think that I know a fair bit about this, ... but then - realistically - all I would know is based on ... well ... being wrong about it. I would think that one can only be wrong 'so much' until getting to the point where there isn't much wrong left to stumble into. And I pretty much think I'm there. I don't ... I can't ... I ... ... lets ... uh, ... hmm - well. I've been somewhat obsessed twice. Thereby I've had a crush on someone - a really bad one - who wouldn't really care. Therefore the obsession. An obsession based on that crush, that inner urge to "connect", thus a need to express myself, to tell of my Love and get the desired/expected positive outcome. An obsession that wouldn't take a 'simple' no for an answer as there were loads of questions on my mind all basically accumulating in that idea of some psychic/spiritual connection ... soulmateship ... having the ... yea, well, rather scientific interest, sortof, to which extent that is real. And "yes" - all I got from them were ... well ... abiguous answers. I was in that state where I couldn't tell whether so or so - and I think that while I was in that state, they were all fine with it. The first one mentioned early on that she couldn't respond those feelings, that however as a 'but' to something else. Thats basically a straight enough answer for some. For me it wasn't - and any further checking up on that was met with silence. Like "I told you already". OK, be it as it may ... it took me each time in about 4 years to get myself 'off' of it. Or, maybe it was just the nature of the obsession that eventually made me turn away because its nonsense. Due to my urge to express myself I wrote them a lot. So, for somewhat 8 years, thats been my life. Waiting (in vain) and writing. I think we could express the development of that crush in a "dissatisfaction curve" of sorts.
Those two would today still have some gravity on me - but definitely not in the ways it used to be; And nothing quite like ... Love, or ... being even just remotely interested. But yea, some emotional "things" that don't really fit ... with some fitting when just "moving along with the experiment" - I ... no!

Therafter it continued. But differently. While I was trying to ignore any 'cognitive manifestation of someone' that would somehow hit on me - the first one I failed to ignore because it was unignorable has been Madonna. Then Amanda and ... thereafter things changed. It was however a different sort of attraction. There was no obsession, no need or urge to express myself. These impressions were pleasant - but in their own way ... passive. I didn't have to get my mind into some way of thinking to connect to these emotions - and they had the opposite effect than the others in that regard. They 'chilled' me - so to a point that I didn't even really take it anyhow seriously. ... I didn't feel like I had to tell them that I loved them - and if so I would do so with caution; Uhm ... as in - yea well, it makes sense! Finding something 'else' that is the more important issue. Like ... yea, it makes sense! I however didn't have any need to 'cultivate' this Love by urging to proof or show them how I feel. It just ... "stayed there" ... being a positive thing ... and ... despite me "ignoring" it - it didn't go away. And - though I'm sure its been 2008, 2009 is also good. So, 8 years - which is ... already 'double' the time and there isn't a decline in sight.

But yea, it doesn't/didn't end with those two. And ... what is Love again?

I think its reasonable to think that my Love is somewhat broken. I mean - OK, I'm gonna tell - lets say ... Britney Spears how I feel about her. So, I'll do that. Now - skip ahead - some letter maybe eventually arrives in her inbox - ... and yea, thinking about it - well - I certainly did put a whole lot more effort into that while I still had that 'urge' (plus hope) - while those times I rather cared to not really care about the idea of Love too much. Anyway. I so think/imagine: You so get that letter from someone ... and - how is that going to make a difference? I think ... not very much at first. Maybe every now and again some thoughts keep crawling up that in some way keep me relevant. Though, they would at first discard it as some random "mind glitch" - a fluctuation - nothing serious. I don't know. But so - I don't have an urge to change that. And once I have an urge to do so, its primarily because of my life - that I want to 'move on' - and in essence hope that she/they has/have already gotten to some point of being OK with that.

Ultimately I had to somehow make it clear to myself that I possibly should stop mixing love interest into things. That the only way forward are the things that matter going forward - though, if I didn't do that, all the time, I don't know what I did ... but being a pervert ... and my recollection of what I did isn't all that great. It was certainly not organized ... like ... even just remotely reasonable/thought out.

But so, what is Love? It so would go on that it didn't remain 'two'. While the first two 'felt' basically identical - these latter two felt destinctively different. And soon it just became unreasonable. I would think that it makes no sense to seriously write about it until I made some sense of it for myself - which ... how much sense does it make to seriously believe that X-many high profile celebrities are supposed to be my ... brides? And so I can't! I just can't! But ... on the other hand there are those things I cannot ignore. And yea, when it gets to that, ... I think the first ones to think about are those who I actually met. Not high profile celbrities. Just people ... I eventually ran into that somehow fit into that category of emotion. And its different. And confusing. Its like two seperate realities. I get confused - and again end up with the one and only ... that makes sense. As so more and more kept coming in - there was that one where it just snapped - which ... only somehow solved all my problems.

In the end ... I at some point also got somehow reluctant to seriously think about it. So, I don't really have a crisp realization when it comes to those emotions. Its not like 'clear' colors - its always like mixes and patterns ... and my deeper realization of them is not really wanted. I ... eventually run through a few "names" and thereby look at how I feel - and the big destinction I can make at first is between an inside and an outside. But even that gets too hairy at times.
I would however know of two - real people I know - that would fit into my 'love interest' pool ... beside some other things ... but at that point I can't really make any choices based on how I feel - or how interested I am. I can't! There is no logical solution ... other than 'the one', beside some efforts to counter a possible delusion. It would have to be fate - and fate had it that I eventually didn't feel the need to make a move.

Then there is also yet another two - whom I know since my childhood - but ... thats yet an entirely different thing. I usually forget about them ... though ... once it gets to my clarity they have somehow moved to a unique position; And in terms of that position it makes sense that I forget about them. They aren't love 'interests' per se - and anyway.

At the bottom there is just too much - I ... I think there is some scope of 'reasonable' friendships someone can maintain. By the numbers. So - it would seem that some of them do only become relevant once its not just about me. And in that regard I have to think about 'person I didn't make a move on'. The thing is, well - when I so think about 'Love' and ignore what I think to focus on 'life' - she'd be the right one. I don't know if she's single though. Or was. Even. However. She'd only be theoretically right so. There is sympathy, there was some getting along - and it would have been up to me to ask her out, to deepen that getting along 'eventually' ... so, totally down the road of not overthinking it. But because I didn't make a move - this optimism that I share is kindof ... flawed.

What is Love then? If its something other than ... what emerges from such interests ... I'm not interested!
I mean, that interest is what would make me make a move, what would make her take a step towards me - and to see Love as that and what comes from it ... well, makes sense for me. So right now I don't 'love' her - I only do have that interest, ... and out of 'love' I maybe better stay away from her!
I mean, where do we get if we 'question' whether or not love is an emotional thing? We could say: It isn't - but that would say I should ignore any sort of interest; Or it is - and then there are the different ways. In my mood its a choice between just 'getting stuck' with someone (who on its behalf might have an emotional reason, but whatever - while it doesn't happen to me its OK ... I guess ... ...) and actually finding someone that ... makes me happy, or ... 'provokes an interest of intimacy' sotospeak ... as, the emotions would. Instead of just being stuck these would make it so that we'd like to be close to each other - at which point, well, the words "I love you" ... they come out in different ways.

So, when I think of the variety of emotional 'options' I have, there is a different reality to those three words. To get back to the first two, the bad ones, there it was clearly the 'urge' that said "I Love you". 'I love you' was thereby not saying 'I' 'love' 'you' - but "I have this deep rooted obsession that makes me crave for you" or whatever. Otherwise 'I love you' can mean "You are amazing and you have my support". Or it can mean: "I want you to know that I enjoy having you around". And I think there is a big fat line to be drawn. I think whenever Love gets hysteric, when it gets to that cliche of "tell me that you Love me", its that first kind. Its like some evil shadow force wants to cultivate this idea of blind, stupid, moronic Love that simply put is a form of seduction with the result of mental enslavement. And that not in the way that I get from my clarity.
The big difference for me is in the word 'you'. In that 'ill' love, there is no 'you' per se. Its quite literally so that there was a ball of fire in my chest that urged towards this idea of 'Love'. But the 'you' was technically in that ball of fire. When I would look at pictures of given person I would suck them up into that ball - kindof - to so fuel it, keeping me obsessed and thus "warm".
The other emotions I came to know however are more of an effective 'bond'. Sympathy - and finally the 'you'. Thereby the emotions are entirely irrelevant. They don't constitute an 'I love you' on their own. It is then, when 'love is applied' onto that person, that then by some synergy there comes an idea of ... "You're amazing" or whatever.

So, by the way. These translations of 'I love you' are regarding 'the two I know'. Samantha is amazing (and not mostly because she's hot! She's ... cute!) and the one I didn't make a move on ... yea, we could call it "harmless love". When it gets to the 'inner "core"' however - things are a bit different. I would say ... they also are all somewhat the same - yet different and that on a ... "higher" level. And I would say the ... well. Its similar to the 'bad' Love - that is: Being a 'thrall' - but this thrall isn't disguising itself as Love. I would say its "Love ++" - as, the earlier translations of Love would apply on each one; While - "of course", technically, because what these 'inner core' ... feelings have is some sense of 'absoluteness', 'eternity', ... in different ways. And it can get pretty weird. For instance is there a 'one and only' - emotionally speaking - but that isn't 'the' 'one and only'. So, Madonna - for all intents and pursposes - may there to me be what she might be to many many others too. A Godess. I'd say: She is my Light. Relating to her that way is like aligning myself to partake of that Light - while, once it gets to my Love interest in her I'm 'all' male and she'd be 'my precious'. I would lock her up ... at least so in the emotional realm of ideal - and that in 'the special room' guarded and maintained for my entertainment. But that is just a fraction. On some other end she's totally suitable to fit into my oedipus complex - but thats the 'stream' that takes me back into my clarity (female). So I'm totally in the clear regarding that Love, understanding it as ... an affection ... or ... something not quite like 'cliche love'. Its 'abstract'. As - there is one particular set of feelings that is somehow ... distanciating. I mean, when 'love=intimacy' - I so have that romantic expectation, yet, in terms of some attachments there is something of an 'anti-sphere' - a given mood or approach that is not making it "into the love" because it doesn't feel pleasant. So here the 'I love you' would pretty much translate into "I'm obsessed by you and I'm not letting you go". But still there is a Level where my Love is real, sotospeak, but this is then also about them embracing me at which point I'm developping expectations of getting feminized.
Anyhow. Regarding Monica - its again ... magnitudes greater. That is easily said because the word 'love' does effectively not appear at first, although the attachment already far exceeded any other attachment I had at that point. Thinking of her allowed me to have a peaceful sleep - and I think that did condition me to emotionally relate to her as I would if she were my true Mother. Following that I couldn't ever really make sense of that. There are affections ... interests ... sparks ... around that fantasy - though in that regard there are other attachments that would be ... 'better'. There it sortof works "on first sight". The - intimacy plus relating to "her" as mother would right away make sense. While in regards to Monica it doesn't. There are 'places', and finally there is a way that made/makes sense, but I think ... Monica in first place to me is 'like a Mother' - which to me at my given age also means that there isn't much to speak of - other than that "she used to be the one to Love me first" ... sotospeak.
Well - so, those things that didn't make any sense - they sortof kept me ... troubled. I guess I, in that regard, am truely like a boy that fancies his Mother but aside of a few fantasies there isn't much of a perspective to it. The thing is that I cannot emotionally embrace her as a partner, while this attachment however urges me to. And so there are the things that I cannot embrace, ... and the idea of a 'rapey' relationship is one of the things that would remain. And there are reasons - like, this would allow her to 'Love me' like a Mother would, or - however - a state of mind thats rather protective of me; Thus however saying that the sexual parts are my part to it. But ... that is just one thing. One fantasy. But one of the more feasible ones. And the ones that do work tend to somehow revolve around that. Like ultimately it seems we need a third person, basically my Sister, who would rather function as a witness because we are kindof perverted like that.
But all that isn't 'Love'. It totally isn't. Those are just the thoughts, fantasies and dreams of a "sick boy".
There is however not the shadow of a doubt that I Love her. Although there are shadows - depending on what I'm thinking about. So, thinking about 'translating' the words I might look for 'something' that I love. What I find is that here, well, 'I love you' translates into 'I love you'. Its like that I, as an entity, am hardwired to Love her. Though my experience here is mostly stuff going on in my head - she there is a pleasant person who Loves 'me'. And I don't think there is a way in reality that she doesn't Love me! Every other Love recognized so far in comparison looks like Childs Play. And would she tell me that she doesn't Love me - that would I think mark the end for me. There are no 'fallbacks' - other than whatever is within my clarity. Here I'm married to Prostitution - so - thats easy!

Its hard to explain. Its mostly emotional. She by the way is the only one who 'also' appears, in my mind, in the form of a "cartoony child". The only one who 'casually appears'. Mostly. Here she's my everything, but not as in 'my precious', ... but basically the fulfillment of my existence. My purpose in life. My reason to exist.

I did have dreams before, where I made a move, that person then made a move towards me. So for the bad ones. As I told J.Lo about my love for her, she appeared in a dream taking a step towards me before I woke up. The scene there was literally just that. Back then that meant a lot to me. By now - its despicable. Its like, yea well, its a dream - but how about real life? She did - kindof - we can say. "Intensive Care". Bla. Whatever. Back then I totally bought it - I took it as a sign. Though I couldn't ever really wrap my head around it or make any sense as to 'why'. I think, maybe I bought the wrong Album. Maybe I should have bought the 'Intensive Care' album, not the Telegraph for X. But anyway. Bullshit!
These two Loves have a lot in common with my Love for Monica. Just - instead of a ball of fire, ... though that fire eventually also comes in ... ... two or three times so far, there's a void. Its a bit like a tunnel - like a wormhole - that I just ... there are no feelings per se. Just comfort. So yea, an eternal journey towards that nothingness - so - no end in sight and its all well. Yet, when she makes a move towards me - and by that I mean: Whatever appearance of her that does - there is also a change in how I feel. I'm feeling more attached. More confident. It doesn't feel flimsy - as when J.Lo did it. It feels welcomming - it feels peaceful - it feels 'real' ... not just like a gesture.

I used to be a bit skeptical about it. I mean - I wondered: Can I trust her? Which by the way is a question that if it ever had crossed my mind speaking of J.Lo for instance - I think I would have discarded it. I had plenty of reasons to distrust her. Inwardly I was sure she's just bad for me. But to seriously doubt "her" - ... I think thats part of the glitch. Inwardly I trusted that I can't trust her ... while converting that into some strange Love ... basically inciting me to "save her".
So, I wondered - can I trust her? - and wanted a dream. Thereby - I thought it was ambigous, the dream kindof told me that I shouldn't care about what I saw there - and right! Such answers are nothing compared to ... reality. And: "A dream told me that we are meant for each other" ... that on some scale isn't too different from anything else I could tell her. Objectively its however 'less' ... even ... because there the dream is all that I have to speak about.

As a general rule of thumb ... regarding my perspective ... between good and bad ... its so that Monica being 'the reason for me to exist' ... thats however nothing that 'drives me'. In a sense I'm all driven by it - as I have always been driven by love to some extent - but the realization, the emotions, they only emerge once I think about her. Then there is sympathy - everything - and it just feels right. There is no 'wrong' in thinking about her. Yet, I do right now think of her, somehow, and these feelings aren't there per se. That because I'm focussing on this. But otherwise also because the focus is different. Once its just 'peace' - in that 'tunnel' sotospeak - its just that. That she is my reason to exist isn't an exageration per se - though it is one to some extent. Thats kindof ... the beauty. Its so rich, multi-facetted, its many things - and none of them is really pivotal - as the pivotal thing is just that ... 'tunnel' ... where all 'appearances' are void.
It does influence my life. Eventually I feel like ... "now its time to sleep" ... and thinking about her makes me feel better ... just as every once in a while I somehow miss her, where - I feel like I haven't properly thought of her for too long. But it all stays within practical confines of a pragmatic living. In terms of the 'ill' ones - ... well, in terms of the first one I was already somehow a stalker, though I wasn't really stalking her. I just made attempts to proof my Love to her by showing up unexpectedly ... basically wanting some clarity ... but ... whatever. I also ended up homeless in NYC and LA ... due to the second one. As the Bible says? "And a man will leave father and mother to stick to his wife"? Well - sortof. At least ... thats how it made sense to me back then. But in the end - this verse is applicable onto pretty much any affection. I didn't know who I was and somehow expected happiness. I think thats the most normal part about it.

So - obviously - Monica is ... 'viable' ... in the sense that I can Love her without totally fucking up my existence. Simply put. And I feel like ... yea, talking of her as 'viable' isn't really ... fine. I would say: OK, she gets it - its not that big of a deal. And I don't think it is - that big of a deal. But ... there is a certain angle ... where it is a big deal. I really feel like she Loves me because I feel that I ... well. Each time I write about her ... she, who is in Love with me, wants to feel that this Love is real. Ordinarily that wouldn't matter - but once I write about her ... I have the chance to tell her that I love her. To make it clear how much she means to me - in comparison to just in about anyone else. The more I can add to oppose anyone who wants to diminish the meaning of my love for her the better!

Well yea - objectively she's distant from me, there is no love to speak of and all that. But I don't feel that way. In my heart she's close - as close as it gets - but that makes me wonder: What will happen if we meet? Will it be as with the first 'bad love' I had? That once we're around all those emotions are just 'poof' - not there?
So - this girl - she eventually agreed to meet me. Thats the last time I saw her. Looking back at it all - I totally see my own error. Though effectively I would still blame her for all of my misery. But anyway. The thing is: I so daydreamed about her - having all those feelings - where, I would expect that if we met, those feelings would somehow matter and we'd somehow get together. But obviously she wasn't interested in me - thats ... the ... important bit. And so there was no way for any emotions to matter. And anyway - the whole premise of that meeting was fucked. It wasn't a date - it was just ... a farewell, effectively. There was no ground to socialize ... maybe if I were ... more of that guy who'd know how to court a girl like that ... whatever. It made no sense. And thereafter ... the same feelings kept creeping up - and however I made sense of that, ... its eventually just become a habit to write her, ... to believe in it nonetheless, ... and ... while her final stance was that she can't respond to my feelings ... I couldn't handle that! Oh yea - I wondered: Is it like 'not ever' - or is it like 'yea, there is something 'but'' - perpetuated by delusions (yea, Marijuana) about her having a sudden change of heart, fuelling my hopes and so on and so forth.
I don't think this is the case with Monica. In first place I don't really expect anything from her. The thing with J.Lo for instance was that I expected: OK, I'll tell her that and she'll say "yea, thats what I was waiting for" - she'll come for me, end of that story. As that didn't happen - but there were some positive signs - yea, ... sounds familiar? Yet, I've already been in that habit. Hopeful, but not actually. I didn't know what to expect. I ... therefore passively don't believe in Love at all - actually. Its horseshit. Nothing will ever come of that!
But no - what I feel in regards to Monica is a strong certainty about her not just woop showing up at my doorstep ASAP - while at the meantime being still deeply comfortable/comforted ... and thats kindof all there is to say about that. Its like ... I get it ... to some extent ... how she feels - or to some extent that the time isn't right. Or maybe that was because none of my letters arrived? OK, that thought makes me uncomfortable. But I don't feel like I have to tell her - so, apparently, ... one did arrive! So ... "hey there!" ??? And yea, that would be the 'goal' - that she would keep checking here every now and again ... while the important part is mostly ... all the important stuff and whats going on with that in whatever context - as - thats how it should happen. It isn't just about her and me. But anyway ... I don't really care. Its fine the way it is. And I don't need to do crazy things to confirm to me or her that this Love is real; I don't need to do anything to keep it relevant, or present, ... - while, the only thing I maybe have to do is to ... well ... I think 'wait' for 'it'. Suggesting that she needs her own time to make sense of it. In the beginning it might just be some random feelings. Not enough to make her come out of her comfort zone and make up with some total stranger. I mean, it doesn't seem right! Why ... like this? Can't I find somebody else? And yea - I could! And I think I would ... if Life wouldn't be different. Although ... I really need to be more humble here. Which is ... part of why I don't feel confident that I 'will' - and that to some degree because I don't feel 'evolutionarily relevant'. I can't provide for a family, consciously and financially, ... while having a family isn't really a concern/goal of mine. It used to be so with my first ill crush. That the emotions incited some hope in some distant future of cliche TV happiness.
At that point it now would all come down to Life. How things happen. "What is supposed to happen". The relevant part. So, salvation, the gospel - that stuff. Which then again takes its own time. Once there so is a reason to connect with me - regardless of Love - then there is, to begin with, some 'real' base for 'mutual interests'. Their interests would be similar to mine - but thinking about that I am 'already' concerned/troubled by ... feeling potentially lonely. It thereby feels wrong to 'get there' - without Love. I'd be there alone, with nobody who has my back, gives me strength, all that - and whether someone would sponsor me a house or just some room - its both equally ... sad.
According to my experience it only takes time. It took time for my feelings for Monica to make any sense - but as they started to make sense they soon enough conquered anything. But maybe not enough ... ? Well - its weird. Its weird because by emotions there isn't really a 'way' to 'get there'. This love just 'is' ... while it isn't ... so, its already perfect, while being perfectly not a thing. It would just be a matter of 'snap' and now its real.
To her it could look so that I'm simply put ahead of her - as I know of her before she knew of me. Though she may have known of me through a dream. But she might not be at that 'I love you' point yet. That because she wasn't exposed to the idea for long/deeply enough yet. There is a way though. Its called: "Trying to escape the inevitable". Thats what really gets me. I can't denie it. It tears me up inside, it tortures me, it hurts me, in a non-sentimental/emotional way, ... its just 'wrong' to think 'no' - ... . I don't think that she will wake up one day and be like "damn, I love him" - it would rather be some evening - while the next morning it would rather be gone. And so on. Until some day she realizes that her entire life revolves around that one question ... and even that wouldn't be enough yet.
Despite 'all the stuff' that is relevant - people don't need me ... yet. Still. And in that regard she would be different - although I think its reasonable for me to believe that she'd get herself into a state of active denial whereby resisting me is all and everything equal to sanity. Hmm ... so, what is Love again? How is this Love? Where is ... Love?

How does it work?

However it is - I think what I experience from her is just a part, a fraction of her mind - and it is that part which is truely affectionate towards me. Of course! What else! So, it is 'that Monica' that I'm interested in, actually, and she knows it exists and all I can do is be a little puppy with big love-hungry eyes (begging her into submission). Its not like I'm 'around' and could 'just grab her by the "pussy"' and hope she doesn't slap me - or something ... like a kiss ... to so 'snatch her by a habit' or whatever. And neither do I have an urge to be competitive about it. I'm sure, if there were a competition - I'd be loosing because ... well ... I'm a looser. I wouldn't even bother trying - and I'd hate her for requiring me to. That in essence is everything I hate about Love. It isn't Love, its War! And whatever BITCH out there wants to be FUCKED by the enemy - FUCK YOU! Go to Hell! And so to all those other people that don't wanna listen - no sympathy! Whatever. I'm not into playing any of those stupid games - and I have 'negative' motivation to ever change that attitude! If you cannot make that tiny destinction ... 'important stuff first' ... and everything further dependent on that ... you essentially 'already' pride yourself as a trophy of the enemy and so, ... whatever! Fuck you and go to hell!
Am I exagerating here? Maybe. My point is that I'm not in a setting where anything could happen either way. I'm not 'there' - where my emotions would matter anyhow, ... lets just think about a "dating party" - to also ... speak of my real life, wherein I so would eventually make a move because thats the whole point of the situation. Where I think though that I'm really introverted - too introverted. Maybe.
However - there is some competition that I can handle. Though, ironically, there might be people who are better at being me, superficially, than me myself. But when it gets to the 'real' meat of it - it comes down to the real attachment; And thereby there is no competition per se. The competition is just a flimsy term to describe the process of filtering out who works with whom, how and when - where the winner is where 'how and when' is 'always'. Sortof.

The point were that we all, ultimately, need to also feel safe ... with our choice. So, once you fall in Love for the first time ... thats it. Its 'all there is'. The next one felt even more so. And so on and so forth. Up until it happened, and anyone else I might fall in Love with doesn't hold up to her. Thats why 'I' feel safe about Monica. Because it isn't perfectly safe yet ... I have to make room for excuses. The thing though is that they don't make sense at this point. So, she is 'theoretically' not the one - for me; Rather than being theoretically the one for me.
What she will have to do is ... "extreme". At the very least she'll have to plan the trip here, finding a hotel, plotting the trip to my house - while all in all somehow considering that we might miss each other. At the very least. If she then had support, that would be easier. If she had a psychologist who'd tell her that I'm just a delusion based on some ancient trauma or whatever ... it could take a bit longer!
And so I effectively hope - thats the realistic expectation for me - that there are enough people knowing about me that are also interested in meeting me, where then all she would have to say is 'OK!'. Alternatively she'd have to come for me with no social backup and that'd say - we'd mostly settle into isolation. But - this ... is all way too speculative.

On some other end I feel like the guy whom girls want to be with ... whom women have a crush on. In that situation I feel ... the 'lesser' part 'has to' do more, because that gives the 'larger' part the safety he/she needs. Superficially the lesser part would just be a thrall - but intimately ... well ... an anchor ... or amountain ... amidst all the everyones. The one who'll stick around. Sotospeak. And as 'exalted figure' I pride myself in being Monicas thrall - while on the other end I need her to be the same to me; Somehow. In essence it is so that I need her to demand my love ... or well, however - its finally a matter of ... 'doing something' - like - she has to 'earn' my love. That however simply by loving or demanding me ... while ... through divine support this isn't about self-denial, but just something that can be taken for granted - but still remains 'real' through the individuals voluntary alignment. Well, its ... a lot more than just that. Its layer upon layer of individual bullshit.

On this base 'competition' is still that filtration process ... but otherwise a base for thinking about 'why' an individual person sticks out ... . And again - here I'm the ultimate looser. That so to the point that I deem it necessary to make that a point. I can only be myself, relying on our love, ... where any demand to be somehow prooving it is like saying that all of that ... all the commitments and what not ... are/were meaningless!

Nonetheless is it still so that none of that matters. For what I care, we could meet, get along well, but ... that'd be it. We could go out on a date - and I wouldn't dare make a move because I don't know whats appropriate. Mostly because my mind is 'comfortable' somewhere else - and so I wonder: How to bridge that gap?
I guess, to that, we first of all would have to somehow be around each other. So she knows me as I know her and there is a space for common experiences; So that when I approach her she knows who I am and knows whether or not she would want to.
To me however - all these ideas don't go anywhere. Sortof. As said - my mind ... my heart ... is already beyond that. So, thinking about these things like so, "still dating", is like ... backward. "Pretending". And in terms of 'pretending' stuff I would have better ideas. Like, pretending to be Mother and Son. :P. And yea, that wouldn't be about Sex ... even. And in a sense, on that base, all she'd have to do is to say 'OK' to taking patronage of me. Trusting that I'm a polite person that doesn't cause any trouble. Effectively. Well, ... superficially speaking. She'd be so the one to offer me a room - "for the time being" ;) ... ^^ ... ??? ...-_-... :( ... ??? ... - [bark]? - while, she 'has to' know what I'm getting at, as I'm basically talking of an emotional base. If she doesn't know that base ... then it isn't there. [strike!]

Otherwise there were another Kinky road ... but ... that one were 'beside the point' ... somehow. But essentially ... I think we should just meet and magically feel that we've known each other for a loong time and somehow continue right where we left off. Which is odd because ... in that case we'd be acting subconsciously. We would kindof realize whats going on - nothing too detremental by the way - while sortof dragging our active consciousness along. But ... I don't think I ... really understand!
And maybe I am, in all my foresightedness, too shortsighted. I think: "This is the situation" - it works or it doesn't - and I don't give a lot of credit to how things might unfold into a myriad of directions anew. So, looking for that one perfect way ... and thereby not realizing that I'm overcomplicating things. I have a clue for instance. 'Attitude'. If she were for instance talked into it - so - she being doing someone else a favour, effectively, she'd be willing to accomodate me because she has sympathy for me. And at that point there is an 'end' - because "I gave her" (in my idea) the attitude of 'being so' - like, just there but "untouchable", while still being "setup" on a hunch that this 'blockade' shouldn't be there. So I'd see this as a bad outcome ... although the thing is still there that ... - there will be another day thereafter.
Now I have another clue. 'Communication'. I have those feelings for her that give me a vague expectation - and she simply playing Mother for me (which should be emotionally easy for her) does fit into that; But if that were so her attitude - to be at first not reachable by me - that sortof ... doesn't work for me, consciously. Like, if she were to give me a room; I would like to think that 'yay' ... but without communicating whats going on ... reality and fantasy overlap in an inconclusive way. So, here we have the problem of a roleplay that might as well not be. She'd be just there - I might think OK, this is as though ..., while ultimately that would just be a collision at an unfortunate angle and thus I feel staggered.

Weird topic. I feel like I wouldn't know what to say ... and thats a real pseudo problem I guess.

Kindof. Kindof because ... well ... its still a part of my expectations. Suggesting to me that 'nothing' about it is actually natural. That 'should' tell me that its all nonsense - that it can never work out - ... but then, I know and she'd know that once I would say that ... that it can't work out ... it'd be ... it must be ... a joke.
Then I also don't really feel right about discussing these things in public. But, if we want to learn lessons of intimacy, someone ... has to be so bold ... I think.
I am further troubled thinking about ... 'when' these things happen to be relevant to anyone ever ... but it might be - and right now ... it at least seems to be relevant ... at least for me.

Well, finally ... now ... I think ... my clarity matters. I mean, if she would simply acknowledge that I'm a whore - then that can work as a basis. On that grounds ... any of the people I'm attracted to might work. "Giving me a room" a.k.a. 'expectations attached'. When it gets to people I'm not attracted to - it would still 'work' - but ... something. Stuff.

But yea ... that ultimately describes the 'mode of operations' - the reason why I'm 'stuck' - when thinking of Monica in a way that doesn't treat me on that base. But so it gets clear to me that I in deed ... intimately, have the expectations of a whore. And on that base I come to think about the difference between Monica and Madonna again. Madonna, as mentioned, attracts me in regards of my two extremes. Dominance and Submission. In the Dominant realm ... I'm living my dream. Everything only exists to pleasure me. Its ... paradise ... sotospeak. And only a slim fraction of it. A very 'static' setup ... where, outside of that I can attach to her - but that ultimately is already clarity stuff. So my male moods stick me to her, next to others, and while I'm gradually more and more enthralled/submissive thats where it'll ultimately go. In a sense is this a road ... I start off at Monica, move towards Madonna, get "transformed" and eventually return to Monica on that base. The ... dominant part doesn't really play in a lot. It is simply a "pocket dimension" based on my male moods - and that being the sole purpose.
When I however "turn around" and look at Monica, the situation is entirely different. There are no special activities or kinks or affections or anything that add any kind of motion to the attraction, love, affection ... itself. So when I think Madonna there is that Light, ... its a motivation ... its an affection ... and it implies a given range of activities based on Lust. Same I could think about Moinca, but the feelings don't 'flow' the same way. So, when I think of Madonna, or Gillian, ... some of the more basic 'male affections' I have just 'flow' ... at which point the entire relationship is vastly sexual. So, I can relate to those as Mothers, but their role as Mother isn't being a Mother, but a sexual partner.
And so it doesn't bother me at all, in the slightest, that it turns out that when it gets to me and Monica, the whole Mother-Son thing isn't as simple as that, and involves a wider range of problems connected to a relationship like that; Where the biggest thing for me is still - as Love has it - intimacy. So I'm not aroused by her - for instance - thinking of her as Mother - as I am in regards to others. I'm aroused by her when it gets to intimacies. Being close, getting along. Stuff we would consider normal. But ... as mentioned ... there's a problem ... and I can only vaguely make any sense of it.
The point were that when it gets to my clarity there would be attachments that would easily work; While because I do Love Monica I also want a bit more out of that relationship. And that is simply put 'everything' ... where whatever I might fancy in particular only diminishes the whole wealth of its entirety. Like, even just starting with thoughts of submission and dominance. In a perfectly 'even' relationship that cannot be an issue. And on that - the case of who's dominant and who's submissive is more fluid. Thinking about Madonna though its pretty clear. Its either this or that. Because where there is a will there is a way we could there have both too - but ... well ... actually the clarity way would already include the paradise way. So ... like, it is with ... heaven.
I mean - I once wrote, I'm not sure if I uploaded it, about there being a tension that projects a trajectory into paradise where slowly, over time, I'd become what I want to be. The idea there would set us off to think about this tension as a constant thing. That I'm always a slave in every regard - until I don't bother being anything else. But we're talking about millions and millions of years without an actual need to rush. Here the tension is important to so maintain a clear line that corresponds to our desires. But it isn't a 24/7 type of thing. It kindof is ... we could see it like that ... but ultimately it isn't a 24/7 tension starting years ago until forever.
So the thing is that with anyone but Monica there are somewhat clear reasons, interests, ways, forms ... though when it gets to my "prismatic alignment" - 2-4-1 - there are the 4, where next to Moinca the other 3 are also ... not 'that' clear ... to me ... in that regard. But for the most part I only think about those things passively. I mean, the 'ease' to see through those relationships lends itself to treating them as 'case closed'. They so are there, "whatever", but I Love Monica.

The bottom line is that if we needed it so, there are plenty of ways we could go. "But broad is the way into damnation". I wouldn't even have to think ... 'case closed' ... but it does't work for me. It doesn't work for me because I feel I would abandon Monica, ... and thinking about "the way to Madonna" that gets a bit more evident. If I so moved towards Madonna - well, I would follow interests that aren't directly involving her. So to say that I'd "just" move to her to turn around and look for someone else. On that base there is no real idea or sophistication or consideration of/for 'why' I love Monica, or how ... it feels like an excuse. Well, its like cutting corners. Like, in baseball - once the runners don't actually touch the bases - but just zoom right past them. I do kindof have the right to be confused like that, ... but anyway.
So, the next bit is about "prooving" to her that I love her. You could formulate this in a bad way, like, a necessity - a means to some other ends - but that ignores the actual intimacy we want to share; As so the experiences we want to have to be happy with/about each other. This is somehow about ... "looking other ways" ... like, the moment I'd be with her I might already think about someone else. Or she would. Thats totally OK. The thing is though that on the bottom of it - it doesn't feel right to then go and take those directions. Like, we'd finally come to settle down at a table, we think about someone else, and go away. What ... that ... it doesn't ... it isn't ... right. What matters is that we find the mutual base on which it is finally 'good' for us to look other ways. Overcomplicating it.

What I 'expect', realistically, is that we'll need some time to fully realize the affection for each other ... where, once curiosity is then replaced by certainty/confidence we would ... finally be 'there' - where we then could think: OK, what next? "Lets invite ...". Someone who is intimately relevant.

I think the thing is that between her and me - being mother and son - ... I mean, there is no ... - it feels like ... it seems like I'm really, realistically, thinking about my Mother - who at this point in time isn't there for me because she's more interested in her carreer; And I'm just ... ballast. I'm sent away, "live your life", and so I could add ... yea ... I maybe overstepped my boundaries at some point and so, I'm an outcast on which base a re-union would inevitably be awkward. 'Not' overthinking it leads me to say -OK- that is that. But still ... we're in Love with each other and could right away begin sleeping with each other. Not having Sex yet. That were important because at the base, this Love is just Love ... it ... already works ... by just ... liking each others closeness. This would constitute progress on an abstract base. So, while the 'realtime' story might be that I should sleep in a separate room - we would first of all have some time to "simulate" a past, ... emotionally - to get ... consciously in touch with it. In reality.

Hereby I do not have a 'screenplay'. Back in the days, when Madonna was still fresh on my mind, that was different. I had a ... 'vivid fantasy' ... I would say - where, I played it as a movie in my head which then got to a point, an end, 'the' end, ... "the end". I did mistake it for being creative - while ever since, ... I couldn't really come up with any fantasies alike; And this one fantasy somehow ... became a part of me. My love for Moinca however totally defies this way of thinking. There is no ... 'this and then that' ... thats totally counterintuitive. In my head - there is no Dominance/Submission clarity either. While ultimately there is a strong 'yes! (strike)' when relating to her as an absolutistically dominant mistress that demands perfect obedience from me - this, ... is just a very tiny part of it all. A bit like ... the 'half' of the corona of an eclipse. Or more accurately - in that picture she'd wear some black latex outfit and all I 'see' is a fraction of her boots; As opposed to the 'love' itself, where I love the whole person.
Anyway ... something I ended up fancying is ... now that I think about it ... yea. Uhm ... I mean: I frequently relate to myself ... passively. I mean - I have this image of myself ... what I am, how I am like - but I'm not like that in real life. That because my introvertedness consumes a lot of that spontaneousity. Or I just haven't 'trained them muscles' ... so yea, I'm introverted. Yet once I'm writing I think this 'persona' is yet who I actually am. These words come from inside and all my body does is to translate those 'words' into typing. So, when it gets to 'loving her' - where I'm a puppy, supposedly, like ... literally ... there would be the one way of literally behaving like a dog; Or to do so through a medium, like a fluffy toy. And having a fluffy toy is in certain ways part of my child identity too. And this would give 'her' a chance to more easily 'pick' between me and fluffy me. That so simply in the sense of kuddling. Its ... there certainly is some fun to be had.

Its pleasant. To me at least. I'm no superman and eventually there is no other way for me to truely come out.

So, when it gets to Sex ... my Love for Monica is essentially the place, ... and it should be clear why I would easily miss that, is essentially the place where that is secondary ... - and yet, I cannot really think of anything but sex. I literally can't. Not as literally as in 'literally nothing' - but when I try to think about it - Sex is always important. The way how I realize that Sex is however not the important thing is that when I really think about it; And want to be realistic, and true to my feelings, there are two ways. There is the one way of those "fantasies I have as a son" - which aren't considerate and would require a lot of things to be right; Or she'd just put on a collar and hand me the leash. Or putting a collar on me. ... right ... so ... I mean ... thats magical. I believe. It should be the magic switch. But that also, to some extent, is like cheating. Its the 'way out'. But that also means that its her call. As it is in general for me ... that I kindof expect her, in the end, to know what to do; As I, in this situation, am the one who comes in, who's new, who can't just be boldly ... behave all daringly - "like a maniac".@.@

Puppy Love


What is Love? Well ... I ... didn't want to mention it, not here for sure. So I already knew, kindof, that I would have to mention it here. I didn't understand. But yea ... here you go: Do you know anything about, or have you ever heard of: Beauty standards? How some centuries back 'chubby' was more attractive because it was a sign of wealth? I ... I'm not sure. I ... didn't get it however ... anyway. So, if this isn't it - I'm still clueless. Its what makes most sense to me though. Aside of the cheap answer that they only want money. Yea, sure, that might be one thing. Its ... anyway ... the same thing.
I'm talking about the US medic aid debacle. How does this fit into this? Yea - right! I wondered!
Its kindof far fetched - but ... what the US government proposes and does isn't really ... I mean, if I would go one year back and told you what'd happen - yea, that would sound far fetched! Like all the conspiracy theories ... that all of a sudden ... come to life! And while some time ago the general tone on the web was: Corporate Media is bought off ... its now 'back to' well, they're just doing their job (but are shit at it). And yea ... that might be the case. The world is so much more bearable if you can hold on to such hopes.
So, why are the republican Medic aid proposals so draconian? Being able to care for your family is good! I know I can't have one because I can't support it. So anyone who might be my girlfriend or wife is now 'free' "for grabs" sotospeak. So, making the poor look poorer makes the rich so much more attractive. (Even if they look and talk and act like shit!)

Otherwise ... the more people you can break, the more you can make dependent on your 'wealth'. So, if this topic is all in all not 'relevant enough' for you ... how is that for serious? Uhm, weird angle? I just get this feeling that ... yea, you might know what I mean. Lets just say what I do is always wrong - so - why would I change that now?

But yea - these things factor into how we plan our lives ... don't they? So I wonder: Is love effortable? Or ... is love even a thing?

What I wrote about so far is ... on the timeline ... partially pre and partially post unification. My assumptions regarding Monica make sense thinking about someone 'pre unification' - but I don't feel like I can draw any line there. I'm not sure! I ... can't tell!

The 'is Love a thing' question does have close ties to my '90% asumption' - by which I mean that effectively, I believe, that in about 90% of earths population is good at heart - saying, the dark images we see on news everyday are barely the result of 'our' doing ... its just a handful of wanksters. Oh pardon ... they can effort high class bit...uh...wifes.

I wonder. Can I provoke them to launch some Nukes?

Sorry. Every now and then I'm a little carried away by my depression - but it seems thats something they wouldn't do.

I wonder. Do your social ties determine how easy it will be for you to 'enter' the high society? I mean, the more people that care about you, the more difficult it will be to disappear you, and so it might be more difficult for you to be allowed in!

I feel like ... yea ... and that some people bear that burdain of knowing about such things - as, regarding this very topic ... again ... there are those words echoing in my head: "DO you even know how deep the rabbithole goes?". And I'm not sure! Maybe I do! Maybe I don't! If I do ... maybe I don't want to!
You know the term 'shmuck face'? What I mean by 90% is that ... thinking about folks like Sargon of Akkad and all his supporters; Don't you wanna just ... Hulk Smash them ... in the face? Hulk Foot to the Face them? These pesty little fuckers they are sitting there, in public daylight ... sotospeak ... with their "can't touch me" shmuck faces. And on YouTube it surely doesn't look like 90% are on our side. Maybe 10 ... at best.

Maybe even just 10 ... all in all.

And while the 'public uproar' now all of a sudden fails ... to be there or to get anything done ... this whole crazy nonsense is even about to become normal. How much more crazy can it get?

Is Love a thing? I would say ... that to roughly 90% it is. Though that might rapidly become 30% - depending on what mood you catch people in. And thats the whole Game the Antichristians play. Fucking with our moods.

Like ... also ... with social addiction. The 'high' you get from being part of a community that accepts you. You think as they do, so your proud if you can contribute. You get confirmation ... and then ... you're happy! (Nope, seems still tempted to push the button).

I wonder ... is my 'the One'ness enough to ... go all John Whick on them?

Well ... now that I think about it - I recall all those nightmares. Right now, I'm in that Nightmare wherein I somehow ran ... ended up on a skyscraper in construction - got to the end of a beam, got shot, fell down, hit the ground ... and woke up.

I ... I want to do something, but I can't - and it sucks to know that I'm gonna be mocked for that.

Off to something else.

There is no point to my life, my mission, if this nonsense is what I'm supposed to be concerned about! I want to focus on the good things? Can't we just 'make it so'? I mean, I get it! We don't live in this nice and wonderful world that I grew up in - but I don't blame migrants for that! I don't even wanna ... lets go back. We don't live in this nice and wonderful world that I grew up in ... that I learned I lived in ... but, can't we just make it so? And by that I mean ... hate is not an answer! It defies the whole point! So you wanna again enter some decades of misery? Just to end up miserable and start all over again?

Here's a thing: The Antichrist won't repent because of this game he's playing ... this game of 'winning against God' ... and I don't think God will do him that favour until the very end. We will win though ... and he'll find excuses for how that isn't fair ... and so it might go!

And now maybe think about it: How 'slim' of a way is this? To basically just say ... no ... to ... double down on Love! To be all for good mood! How unlikely is it that anyone would even think that this is it? But yea, if all you wanted to give me is misery ... well ... "suck on it!". I mean, what else can I say?

Counter productive? Yea right! Fuck You! Fuck You fuck You fuck you! Who's comming up with all those weirdass excuses anyhow? Fucking 'DO' something! Retards! Put in that Bob Marley CD and go "FUCK EM"!

Singin' don't worry!