The Video that proves that God exists

Well, certainly so from my perspective. Because I have a story to tell - and that "co-incidence" [matrix.daeryabaar.com] may just be what I needed to tell it. And it was never quite 'easy' to do so. Now eventually my hope is that due to this matrix thing, people are 'forced' to know and hopefully understand what it is that I have to say. As by virtue of the thing I hope I do not over-extend however. It's a simple message after all - all in all - something to know about when trying to make sense of God and the world.

Yea - in a way it's 'quite flimsy'. And I don't have any 'following' (I know of), 'this' isn't a cult. When I say 'we' - I either mean myself and God, or just my own complex self in a way, if not using it in a more general "all humanity" or "those who believe like me" type of way.
And that's good. What I envision is or shouldn't be all that important, considering that what I envision does after all require some kind of mass enlightenment that certainly extends beyond what any institution-type thing could cover.

Political views

I once wrote a thing (christian_satanist.jpg) that best describes what I believe in, politically, when seen in isolation; Disregarding the "other side" of politics where I compare it to the bottomless pit written of in the Revelation of John.
And before you latch onto the idea that I'm a satanist - understand that it is NOT Anti-Christian.

The core message there is about diversity. Or individuality. The many ways in which life expresses itself and sure: The subsequent challenges some might call 'politics'.
Otherwise I'm a socialist; Which isn't anti-capitalist or marxist (whyMarxismSucks.jpg) - although I suppose you could call me anti-capitalist. It's complicated. Money is a tool - we should use it, not be governed by it nor worship it. Which makes me a socialist - a.k.a.: We have the resources, we have the means, we have ... everything to ... be a little bit more responsible with all of it. And yea - I'm a germany and what we have here is a form of socialism. "That kind" of socialism. And I hope that all of us will be able to understand it as a good before we just blindly throw the pitchforks against "the establishment" (which I think for the most part is more complex than it being just some shadow-kabal).

LGBTQ+ and Gamergate

The thing is that I'm a Trans person. Therefore "it just so happens" that with me, you get someone who may eventually appear to you as an "SJW". But personally I'm more of an Anti-SJW. If any of that even means anything to you ... . I'm a gamer and I compare a misrepresentation of Gamergate to Holocaust denial. Two of my favourite YouTubers happen to be TJ Kirk (a.k.a. the Amazing Atheist) and Thunderf00t.
So, I suppose if you want to have an "issue" with me there's plenty to pick from.

Well, I don't want to tell you what is right or wrong - or what to think and believe. Often enough I may certainly be well confused myself. If I ever appear to you as though I do - or would ... - then that for sure is on me but not ultimately intended.
I too try to make a case for what I believe. You're free to disagree. Matter of fact - the big advantage of diversity is a multiplicity of perspectives that may all complement each other. We only have to ... kindof ... learn how not to beat one another up about it.
There still is that which I/"we" can call 'regressive'. And conservativism in my opinion has a tendency towards regression. If I recall correctly did Joseph Smith Jr. at some point state that conservatism is bad but woe and behold - all Mormons for the most part are conservatives. And their religion is respectively not as progressive as I think Christianity is meant to be. Hmm ... technically ... Jesus was ... an Anarchist. To know what I mean by Anarchism check out "Thought Slime" on YouTube.

(romans_1_20.jpg)

Mental Health, Internet-Bubbles and echo-chambers

Often throughout my journey I wondered ... if I had gone crazy. Respectively I wondered what it 'means' to go crazy. To ... 'loose the mind'. So, I was still able to think and speak - navigate the world around me ... so, at least in that regard I hadn't lost it yet.
But there's also that term "to go off the deep end". At that point, to my understanding, it happens to be ones ability to think and navigate, that causes and perpetuates craziness. (btw.: trans_vs_Q.jpg). Schizophrenia makes you hear voices which you'd think about and navigate in response to. Delusions are just a horribly wrong way of looking at the world - and depressions emerge from eventually too one-sided habits.
Our minds are flexible, dynamic. The older we grow, the more we learn. Things we once went through are "forgotten". We ever only observe a fraction of what the full extent of our insight would be. I call that our 'inherent fluctuation' - as, our state of mind changes on a day by day basis. Or depending on whom we're around.

And to my understanding ... regarding the science surrounding these issues, we're still kindof in the dark ages. Or maybe the renaissance.

Zion and the Second Coming

It is written that we know whether day nor hour. And in that regard - how soon is soon? There's that parable of the 10 virgins; 5 of whom prepared and had extra oil - while the other 5 didn't. And so eventually their lamps went dark - and those that had extra oil could continue the journey.
There are many ways in which I could interprete this parable. But it also works here to say that if all we focussed on was to wait for the Second coming - well - we might forget to actually ... live. To learn what it means to move forward as an enlightened society. And yea - that's also a way to get at how or why I'm Pro Science. See: God doesn't magically protect you from the cold, or the heat. We've learned better than to assume that we need not be afraid of wild carnivores. We live in a cruel world - it's like ... the first part of the Bible. And didn't Satan tempt Jesus to jump off the tower? Well - sure enough: Jesus didn't look into the Camera and shout "Gravity" - but answered "don't put the Lord thy God to the test". (snakes_N_demons.jpg, teaching_love.jpg).

Videogames and Mass Media

This discussion, I suppose, can become a wild one. And quite possibly annoying depending on what part of it we focus on. I don't believe that this discussion is really a good one to have if all we care about is to slap a "good" or "bad" label on it. In short - art is a product of culture. And a sick society would be assumed to produce sick art. Now - what I see isn't purely that. I see human ambition, the works of aspiring artists, stories of inspiration and aspiration. Bold Entertainment and Sophisticated Philosophy. But what I also see are products of greedy entities that can barely be considered to be genuine works of art.
And so I come to a more general stance when it comes to "these types" of issues - which are things that have a strong dependency on culture and society: Fix those first! Where ... I'm not a strong believer in the idea that art shapes culture in the sense that we would have to fix arts in order to fix culture and society. There is no fixing the art without fixing the artist - nor is there a fixing of corporate behaviour without fixing the consumer.




A Manifestation regarding myself and my Mission

Hello, my Name is Nicole (formerly Christopher) - and I was born December 6th 1983 in germany, being child to a 7th Day Adventist couple.


Part 1 - Scholastic Enlightenment

The story began quite some while ago. 2001-2002. I was "stranded" in an Internate on the Philippines (MVC, a Christian/7th Day Adventist school | hi to the "Stupid Guys", this is the "Ganja Dragon"/'Walking Stick' speaking) - and somehow got around this Book ('The Gospel in Revelation' by Robert J. Wieland) which someone dropped or forgot in a friends room. And this book rekindled my interest in the Bible.
Up unto that point I have been a believer, but not truely a Christian. I was strongly into weed (Marijuana) - and because of the high - I believed that there had to be God. I was pretty much on board with the whole "Peace and Love" stuff associated with that Drug - and respectively did I believe in a respective God. Being young (I turned 18 there) I didn't think much about it. Nor did I take it really serious. I couldn't tell me more about that God, how He'd be, ... or what He is ... . I pretty much just liked the spliff.

The way this book sparked my interest in Christianity wasn't about that however; Although I later got around to discover that the Bible isn't really ... anti-drugs and anti-peace-and-love (drp). But it's a book about prophecy and thinking about those prophecies I realized that it all pretty much explains "the mess" we're in. The Apostasy. Confusion over Gods word. For - realizing how clearly the Bible expresses itself against the Roman Catholic Church for instance (Matthew 23:9 "And call no one your father on earth, for you have one Father—the one in heaven.") while still "everyone" would accept that they're "the" Christian authority is indicative of a severe ... lack of comprehension of what's in those books. And thus ... I had found a purpose in life.


Before I go on - maybe a short throw-in: My "Gospel" nowadays, my "Bible", ... would go to embrace 'all' media. Stargate, Star Trek, Star Wars (yea, am a bit of a Sci-Fi nerd) - but even ... Married with Children ... . Maybe it's a stretch to call those "Prophetic Speech" - however ... if we are to be concerned of wisdom - there to me is no arbitrary cut-off point to say where we couldn't find any.


So, what this book really did to me was that it showed me aspects of the Bible that had previously been unaware to me.
My idea of the Christian God up until then has pretty much been 'void'. I didn't think he cared about us. Yet, as this book described what the books of Daniel and Revelation had to say about the Antichrist and the Roman Catholic Church - well - I on the one side didn't really know what to make of it though on the other side the sole idea of the Roman Catholic Church being evil ... it made sense. The evidence brought forth was compelling enough to make me realize that the Bible "had the answers". Thinking about whats wrong with this world. I for my part realized that the wrong started right there. But I felt like ... the answers that book provided didn't amount to much. So I grew ambitioned to learn on my own what the Bible had to say. And it was at that moment that some weird force came upon me and left a message in my mind - saying: "This won't be easy" - and I right away felt a protective force of guidance.

Thereafter I returned to my room and started reading the Bible. I started with 'Ecclesiastes' - and lo and behold - I found my Ganja God in there. For "there is nothing better under the sun but to eat and drink and be joyful". And when browsing through the Gospels there's Matthew 15:11 and Mark 7:14. "Nothing whatsoever enters the mouth of man defiles him". Or: Not what enters the mouth of man defiles him, but what leaves the mouth of man defiles him.
So - having just been enlightened about the Truth of Seventh Day Adventism, in no time, being surrounded by Seventh Day Adventists; I sure had to share my insights. But ... its not that simple! They have excuses! Its ... been impossible to argue to them that this is what the Bible says. Weird! Its like hitting a brick wall. They'll eventually Quote 1st Korinthians 3:16+17 - The Body is the Temple of God and who defiles it will be defiled by God - where, yes! "Where in the Bible does it say 'what' defiles man?" - ... 'right there!'. It just wouldn't help.

And thats basically the story of my life so far. I mean ... the "talking to walls" part of it.


Part 2 - Lost but Found

Because of multiple reasons I wanted back to germany. School there wasn't really interesting and I couldn't really pay any attention either. And the prospect of spending 3 years there ... ... well, ... me and my decisions for life. I was there because I had dropped out of school in the first place. And, having been there for 3 month, with another 3 month left in the Semester, ... I already was done with it. On my way home we (My cousin and I) visited some relatives and thats when some Mormon missionaries came by and talked to us. Well, entering a Seventh Day Adventist household they couldn't expect much, but I was willing to listen. I prayed for a Testimony, but ... that warm fuzzy feeling just wasn't enough for me. Anyway. Soon thereafter I was back in germany, got back into the habit of smoking weed and pretty much forgot about my ambitions to learn more about the Gospel. I was a convinced believer though; And eventually, being high and engaged into discussions, I came to talk about stuff that to me were sure reasons to believe in a God. Well, "intelligent Design" basically.
This went on until my life has inevitably come to a point where I had to suffer the consequences of my bad decisions. Being a believer I was sure that good things should come my way, but ... "ain't that just the way that life goes down, down, down, down?" ... anyhow, thats what it did.
But bad decisions? Well - I abandoned Christianity indefintiely to dig a bit into alternative philosophies. Dao De Jing - I Ging ... but at that time all that did was confuse me. And so I was in some kind of Limbo until "the call of Christ" sotospeak took me back ... "to the good stuff". Sortof. As ... so I found myself reading the Bible one day - and at one of those passages that promises great goodness to the believer I contemplated about the shit I called my life and ... I grew sad and disappointed. (And sure, I hadn't really done much to get my life into order - although I was employed at that time; Though ... butcher wasn't really my dream-job). Whether I actually threw the Bible into a corner of my room or not I do not really remember - but then, there it was again, ... that weird Force ... . I was calmed ... and taken to the back of my Bible where all the cross references were at. And as by a miracle I discovered 2 things that determined what I did next. The first thing were references to the Apocrypha. So, it being a Luther Bible - the ... editors ... of that specific edition probably just removed them and forgot removing the references - ... I didn't know those books existed. The concept of Apokrypha was stranger to me. The second thing was in the Appendix, an explenation to what a 'Nasirite' is. (4th Moses 6). So - you should read that yourself. I figured that since Christ the Tabernacle is no longer a thing - I could try and make this vow on a Christian basis.
And so I did. I thereafter was moved to ask for a sign - so I wanted meatballs the next day for Lunch. And yea, ... meatballs there were! But ... oof. Signs like that ... . That's what got me upset with God in the first place (well, up until my weed based enlightenment anyhow). But I'm sure God eventually will give signs. But it's ... complicated. A.k.a. don't put the Lord thy God to the test.

The more effective sign was what happened "on its own" anyhow. Like, ... driven by crazy, ... or struck by a lightning, I was driven by an investigative curiosity. I remembered the Bible collection of my Dad. Borrowed it. I got stuck on a Translation that allowed me to read the 5 books of Moses within a week or two. During that time I discovered [this].
So, the whole Nasirite thing worked out for me. But, as it should become normal for my life - good things don't last for long. Although ... it wasn't too bad. So, just a few weeks or month (1 or 2) in I got a notice from the german armored forces - that it was my time for duty. And as typical for me, I got my counter-notification out too late. So I got drafted. Yet, after 3 month they let me serve in civil services instead. Which means, ... helping out at a home for elderly, or refugees as in my case. Military Service usually was set to 9, and civil Service to 10 month. And during the remaining 7 month I had an office and a computer and time to write about my thoughts.
And that was when I had to think about the Book of Mormon again.

Well - I was compiling a ... manifesto of sort. But I wasn't able to save the files because the floppy drive was locked. :( ... . I printed it out - but there wasn't enough ink or paper for 2 versions - and the one I had I gave to a friend and never got it back.
God knows where she is these days or what she does. Bali?
So I started to write about Science - or my understanding of "Intelligent Design" (or as I labeled "it": The defining force) - which yea ... Neil deGrasse Tyson would have lectured me on the God of the Gaps there I suppose. But I also wrote a segment on "Yahwinism" - which to me was a good umbrella term to address the Abrahamic religions. And writing about the Book of Mormon got me stuck thinking.
During my time in the military I lost a bet that cost me my hair. It was stupid. And would I not have had the idea like last second I could have made a more compelling case for my "victory". Well, I had to split water so that ants could walk between it - and - just taking a cup to scoop out water from a bucket and placing the cup next to it ... wasn't really in the spirit anyway. It was ... stupid. And I took it as an experiment. So, maybe it wasn't 'that' stupid. However ... so I had that urge to get baptised. To atone. I connected back to the 7th Day Adventists I grew up with - and, I didn't get the whole "I'm to be lectured" part of that and ended up quoting from the Quran even - regarding my perspective on religion. During that time I grew more paranoid about baptism - ... as though it could mess with my mind and get me on the wrong track. So I prayed to God and asked Him to somehow redeem me from that fate in case ... it was really the wrong way. And soon enough my "teacher" and I got into a hefty argument that led him to proclaim that under these circumstances he couldn't baptise me.
Well - I 'knew' that God was capable of doing that somehow. And that I suppose is critical when it comes to those things. And I don't mean an 'artificial belief'. Both of the signs mentioned here so far, at those points, struck me as inevitabilities. The first maybe not so much. But this one I pretty much ... relied on. Maybe there could have been another way - but ... I don't mean to speculate too much about this right here.


I was walking home that day - and in a feeling of spite I somehow decided to become a Mormon. And it felt good. It felt right. But it wasn't really decided yet. I yet had to try one thing. A 'free' baptism. I so asked a friend to baptise me. But also there I was paranoid - so I let him speak a blessing of my choosing. He baptised me entirely wrong - for once - yet it felt like my hair wanted to 'fall off' - so, ... 'done'? Well, ... not entirely. I felt ... as in a prison. I didn't feel free. Everything felt wrong. Me curling together into embryo position wrong. I had at some point contacted the Mormon church via www.mormon.org - and soon enough an appointment was made, two missionaries came to visit me shortly thereafter; And I right away urged for a baptism. I didn't have a Testimony though. My decision was mostly established on the good feeling I had plus some other ... "evidence". Like - I had read about Teotihuacan ... and ... because the Daniel 7 prophecy (a time, two times and half of a time - until the beast will fall) only 'made sense' (in terms of that time being yet to come, the time when that time is over) is when considering the Phantom Time Theorem to be true (Council of Calcedon (450 ce) ... plus 3 1/2 years (1 day as 1 year = 1278.375 years) takes us to 1728 - while 2018-300=1718 - ...) - it also made sense to adjust the time periods of meso-america ... so, the maya are told to have lived around 0 ce, which then would be around 300 bce - which would have been the Jaredites (Book of Ether). Teotihuacan being built by people of whom no writings are known ... is ... mysterious. It was good enough for me ... to begin with.
Yet, soon enough I was again overcome by paranoia. Particularly from reading in the Doctrine & Covenants - another Mormon Book. I was somehow weirded out by their religion - and you'd get the same impression from reading about Mormonism online. So, from Ex-Mormons and Anti-Mormons. Yet my date for getting baptised was coming nearer - and again I wanted out in case it'd be wrong. So I prayed again, for a Testimony; And maybe it was just the weed - but it came as something more than just a fuzzy warmth. And ... by the way ... not right away. I prayed for a Testimony, ... but didn't expect an answer right away. It came later that day. And the Testimony was strong enough for me.

Slow motion: I so was sitting there in a friends room, watching TV or someone play a Video Game or whatever - while I was thinking about stuff and eventually I had to think about ... 'the Truth'. Well - not that I knew that it was it. It was just a random insight, for the sake of argument. I thought something along the lines of: The Church is true, but something is wrong with their Scriptures. And it came together as though golden, burning letters came together assembling that sentence and as it came together I was struck with a clear burning in my heart that basically engraved this meaning into my heart. Ever since then - nothing changed about that conclusion. The Church is true - which is easily explained by the presence of the Priesthood. Nothing else. Its the important bit. The 'true' authority to Baptise in the name of the Lord. And something was wrong with the Scriptures. The easiest way to relate to that is even contained within the Doctrine & Covenants, known as 'the Strange act'. (D&C 95:4 and 101:95). There isn't much context - except the one where it is therein declared that 'everyone' will understand.

So I was baptised March the 5th 2005 - and I guess it took me about 2 month to read enough of the Mormon lore to 'close' that Chapter of my life. But ... what next?


Part 3 - The thin line between Genius and Insanity

I returned to something I had on mind for some time. Assembling a new Bible. For that, I had to plow through some Apokrypha - as that was the big important part at first. So, some Apokrypha clearly struck me as inspired - and I somehow wanted to merge them into a Diatessaron. I never got to finish that so far. But - anyhow. During that time I stumbled upon a bunch of very weird Apokrypha, namely the Nag Hammadi Codices. They were so weird I discarded them for being nonsense. Until ... one book made me aware of a weird thing. [Wilhelm Schneemelcher, Neutestamentliche Apokryphen | Vol. 1 -> commentary to the Book of Thomas (pg. 194 (point 4, paragraph 2))] The gist is that if you ignored the parts where the desciples spoke, ... the text would make sense. So, a riddle. And thus I had to think of those really weird scriptures again. And yes, that particular Apokryphon is also a part of the NHC. So I looked at them again - and soon enough ... I was there with the 'code' to entering 'Unification with the Allsurrounding Spirit'. Well. The NHC at least contained one part of it. I'll get to that in more detail somewhere else.

There was the mention of two conditions one must meet in order to "get in": a) being cleansed, and b) being invited by God. So - in other words: a) Baptism and b) Worthiness. That because being baptised doesn't make you worthy. If you so get baptised with some hidden agenda, like infiltration, ... you're not really in it for the right reason. Not to a capacity that would require anyone to trust you!
I was baptised - and I thought I was worthy, so I tried it ... and 'woosh'.


But yea, ... talking about it to anyone didn't really make a change either. So again I was stuck. I had something, again, for sure - and this time something really really big - but the ... entry barrier was definitely too high. Within reason one might say ... but the fact that some of the sources would seem a bit ... dodgy ... also made me hesitant to talk about it. Though ... all you needed is Gods answer about where His Church is at, ... but well, staying all in all true to God (who knows better than you when you're cheating on yourself) ... in this 'short lived' world ... who might have enough patience to follow through with it? Or trust me enough to give even consider it? Then I apparently was such a huge failure that pointing the other direction would have made a more reasonable ... claim. Well ... "more reasonable" when ignoring ... [sigh].


So did 2005 ultimately end with me being stuck in my loneliness - again - and if that wasn't bad enough, I also slipped and fell in Love with J.Lo. Well - yea! It made sense ... as she'd be one who could be the answer I was looking for. According to her Music she's a believer; ... and somehow ... her Music struck me as ... though ... she'd be waiting for me. So - not only her. After all - you can get the idea of 'Elijah' or 'Israel' ... as a prophet yet to come ... and so in my mind there was this idea that she and others had some "project" going on to ... aid the work of God as it would come to happen again. All God would have to do is to send me their way ... in time ... and ... boom.

But instead of help, ... it only brought about more problems. The stakes had been shifted against me - I was still alone and even crazier than before. I went "for" her 2 times. Once to NYC and then to LA - with actually no clue of how to find her. I ended up writing letters, telling her where I was ... and the words "like a coward you're leaving" echoed within my mind every once in a while. Though, I could tell that right back at her. However. I was in NYC in late 2005, ... and after summer 2006 went to LA. I stayed there for 3 month, ... and nearing the end of that time had ambitions to design a Video Game. Just inspired that way I then expanded on it back at home - later in 2007 started to learn programming - while basically still trying to convince J.Lo of the truth.
Eventually I gave up on her though.
It were interesting journeys though. Met lots of interesting people, had some great conversations - and God totally ... . I mean seriously! I was there, thirsty - walking down a street. I thought to beg for money but felt bad about it. I so sat down on some rock in the shadows ... and "sighed" to God that I was thirsty. Then, as if prompted by that some preacher in that park came up on me and told me that I was going through a need right now. Long story short - he gave me 20 dollars for listening to his story. How God speaking to him saved him from jumping off a bridge. I call "that" experience "the Testimony of Christ". You could call it "the lesser testimony". I found mine while pondering upon the Garden of Eden. The key thing in his story would be that warm feeling he got - trying to figure out what that voice was. And I basically owe it to him to tell his story whenever I tell this story.

Late 2008 I had something of a working program - but ... there were some strange issues. Some Code would just stop working although there could literally be no mistake in it. (Within a function I accessed a class via pointer. It worked just fine. Until I implemented an 'if' statement that tested for a variable in that class to be of some value and the program crashed.) With that problem there was no way of going on - and in my mind ... "a sense given by God" echoed to me that I'd have to do better than that. I'd have to have better code. People would apparently analyze it really critically. But ... to have 'good code' is really more important than just a good look. With bad code at some point everything will become a workaround of some sort. And for what I - or we - had on mind ... I still had a lot to learn.
Going into 2009 I then was inspired to think about designing an Operating System, ... and going into the second quarter, somewhen around that time - I was working on some Font - my inspiration all of a sudden collapsed, by which I mean that I could no longer think about continuing that work, while all I could think of was going to my Mums house and looking around for some way of ... recreation on the internet. I didn't have internet at home. So, on my way I wondered what I might be looking for, and being somehow bi-curious I looked for something homosexual. That's how I ended up working as an Escort.

Yea, you read that right. A "callboy". Prostitution. And I really enjoyed the company ... I never felt so much at home anywhere, never felt so comforted/comfortable - and the people there also liked me. So much that I eventually was put in charge of the whole establishment. Against my reservations though (I didn't feel fit to be in charge of something). It were dire times and I was sortof a backup. I stayed there, kept the place running while prostitution was pretty much a dieing thing due to the financial crisis. I mean, I heard stories from hookers "of the good old times" sotospeak whence there were customers around every corner - while "now" barely even one. So, we had rooms for rent. That kept the place afloat.
Sinful business?
Well - Whores in the Bible usually are heroes. For once. And prostitution is not THE VERY SAME thing as adultery. Marriage comes with commitment; Which is also where - consensual adultery shouldn't really be considered a bad thing. For instance. Now, people like me offering sex for money is perhaps a bit in the grey considering that we don't ask our customers for a written consent of their spouse (nor could we tell whether the person is even in a relationship like that) - but then, if your spouse is visiting prostitutes ... there isn't really an emotional problem there. Not saying that there might be none. My stance as a ... well ... former prostitute ... on that is clearly in defense of prostitution. Like ... if you can't satisfy your man ... that's not ... our problem. Whether or not you need to be the only one to satisfy your partner is another issue. I'm not to say what is going on there - but ... if you're bi-curious for instance, as a purely sexual thing, or you're into some BDSM thing ... . Sure ... talk about it! But, I know from experience that sexual ... passions ... can't be curbed. You might try to but - they do in deed have the power to override your reasoning and rationality. For a long time I so would write about nothing other than my sexuality until I eventually felt I had compensated properly for my need to learn more about it. And Jesus said "do not judge". Now, YOU might not ... do the kind of stuff that WE do - yet, we all are differently "empassioned". And if you like gardening while I like sex-toys, for instance, from a "good for yourself" perspective it can very well be the same thing. And yea, talking about this stuff eventually asks the uncomfortable questions of ... what about Pedophiles? Or rapists?
Well - I don't mean to defend "all of that nonsense". If all of your idea of right and wrong is simply a matter of what you're into ... that's bad! In my book! Sorry but no sorry. Car Racing isn't inherently bad. Some people are into rapey sex. Some kids (myself included) are sexual from a pretty young age on (6-8). But there are places where you shouldn't do car racing. Because it's bad! There's like ... NO WAY! And there is like ... no difference ... between that and when we talk about sex offenders. It may sound like trivializing it - but if you mean to break the speed limit in a place where you shouldn't and run someone over it is by your own audacity that someone got harmed. Or sotospeak "you thought to know better" - or didn't think at all - and whether it's your itchy foot or some itch in your pants ... wrong is wrong!
And by the way: after I got baptized my experience of getting drunk changed. With Unification then ... so I learned ... synergy with God is a big deal. So, by 'converging' with our own desires, impulses and the likes He can emphasize parts of us to a point that other parts of us basically starve off. I'm a good bit into rape myself for instance - or have been quite "sexually charged" early on in my childhood. Speaking of those passions that just break out ... I don't know how old I was, 6 or 8, I started to bondage myself. And there's that part of my life that I had ignored for most of it - until I could live it out a bit more freely. And that gave me a foundation for this 'Light of God' to ... do it's thing with me. And - the Light of God has given me sexual pleasures I'm not sure I could find in the mortal world. Just ... saying.
And obviously there's a lot more to be said. I guess I could easily rewrite this passage, filling it with entirely different topics, a couple of times over. What has to be noted, possibly, is that this is part of my journey through the Ninedom. I mean, my own internal experience with the divine taking its role therein. The term I use for that is 'Clarity' - and a term relative to that is 'Individuality'. And before you wanna try and Lynch me over whatever you think I'm saying here - maybe read [this] first. On with the story.


It was rather early during that time that my grandfathers forgetfulness took over and my dad claimed ... guardianship ... and as that had been established he kicked me out of the house. And while I liked where else I had been; And they were alright with me moving in, that's what I did.
It struck me as odd that business went downhill the moment I came in - and eventually came to blame myself; And intended to leave. That was like 1 or 2 years in. But they convinced me to stay. And I didn't really want to leave, ... so I stayed.

Somewhere in a corner of my mind I always suggested that people outside would be making fun of me; As a part of me felt like it should be deeply ashamed of myself - but I wasn't. I may never have felt as much at home anywhere before.

Anyhow. Something I learned during that time was ... Linux. "Thanks Henry!". I had plenty of opportunity to expand my horizon in a variety of ways. Since my parents were 7th Day Adventists and didn't like us to play Street Fighter, I finally had the chance to pick up a Street Fighter game and play the shit out of it. Besides I also got into World of Warcraft for some time, Minecraft ... and Starcraft 2. Well, things prostitutes do! It was a collegue that got me hooked on WoW!

But eventually the stress just got too much for me. I was still struggling to get my programming visions realized - but if I ever had a few hours of silence to get immersed into my code - thats been long! And even if only interrupted for a few minutes - (I sortof developed an allergy to all kinds of ringings and bells) - thats been enough to get me disconnected. Then the noise! The cooler of the PC I was using eventually made me want to throw that damn thing out the window. It eventually just got too much, things totally didn't work out anymore, and so leading up to Christmas 2013 I left - hitting the streets.


Part 4 - Transformation Time

So, should I rewrite this whole part? I just realize that ... this Christmas it will have been ... 7 years.
Well - there's a bunch of stuff that happened during this time. Starting with my "homeless adventures" (since I had experience with it (NYC and LA) I knew to look for a shelter, which I did right away), struggles with demands associated to unemployment benefits ... my mental health story ... .
The point where I originally wrote this, that last thing hadn't really been a thing. And by now - it would kindof be the one lens through which to look at things - wouldn't there be this and that other thing to write of.


And there isn't really a good way to put things in order. For instance - the first few nights in that shelter were ... awesome because it was so ... so .... so so silent. But then it was really me being stuck with my habit - obsessing over what I cared for - and not having too much else to go with - that my daily routine decline more and more. I neglected my food more and more while my gender dysphoria also became stronger and stronger. So I believe that the depression I was diagnosed with is also a multifactorial problem.

I guess it started during some program that's supposed to help folks like me to write applications. I was trying to do as was asked of me - but the prospect of finding work and then being "stuck", in a sense, well - it felt bad. And the reason why it felt bad was that I knew that my gender thing hadn't been resolved yet. But it's not that I planned on resolving it either. But it felt like I had a choice. Either continue to be miserable or ... take my time to "fix myself". I couldn't really make that decision and that I suppose really kickstarted the depression.
Well, I've been trying. At one point I had even called a psychiatrist - but I couldn't move myself to be persistent until I would have an appointment.


What this line of events swallows up are experiences during a program that took place prior to the one just mentioned. This one lasted from 2014 to 2016 - and during that time I made friends with an Atheist, read a lot of science stuff ... and yea. I wasn't really too happy with or about Atheists prior. But during that time I learned to understand that Atheists do in fact not have "a lot" of reasons to be believers. No matter how well I could explain God to them in theory - what then?
And sure ... 'I' had the answers. And that was my attitude to begin with. But first you have to convince someone ... OF the hypothesis to then introduce yet another hypothesis which implies that 'I' found something that would grant Enlightenment however only IF you also kindof buy into the Mormon story ... . Let's just say ... it never quite got to that point.

Mabye in part because I never quite understood how to package it.

So, during that time I tried to not be a Christian zaelot. Well, actually I started to listen more starting with friends I made at the first shelter I stayed at. And I learned that listening ... tells you a bit about what others think - as opposed to you suggesting to them what to believe. It kindof sounds ... counterproductive IF you "know the truth" - but then, whatever you think you know IS the truth can at best also only be a fraction of the whole. By now I suppose I know a big enough fraction of it to be like ... wholesome about it ... in a way ... but that also kindof makes me more ... tolerant of other beliefs.

And yea - tolerance also contradicts the idea of there only being 'one' truth. But what you have to understand is the accessibility of the truths you know. Which eventually is part of the contemporary political problems. Though ... when has it ever been different?


Then also during that time ... that ... fateful day ... during the year 2014 ... came to pass. So ... I found myself in my room, trying to figure out what to do with my time, where I remembered: There was this "Matrix" phenomenon. Like, when in a Disco I had the feeling that the music responded to me. When at my friends house, the guy who baptised me, and we played some Game like Def Jam Vendetta and music ran - it'd be playing 'for' me. 'With' me. So I wondered: What if I take the Matrix movie, ... and some song, ... like, ... King of my Castle ... and do ... "this" ... and yea. It worked. I came back to it multiple times. The more I did it the more I had to think of someone listening in; Which I thought would be great. They listened in and so would have a record of what I did. I didn't immediately think that that might actually be a bad thing.

But well. It was a way to spend some time. One day I came home with some weed - and thought: Wow, now I can do this when 'high' - and ... after a while of jumping around ... I decided to just let it run. At some point I hit the bong, ... and as in slow motion I noticed the scene change while the track changed - and I figured: I can ... pinpoint this! I can ... I only have to note ... I mean, ... its human nature ... the song, I know that! And ... it only has to play there - its ... easy as fuck! So I watched it unfold and took notes of which tracks were playing. It was friday I guess ... and the following sunday I posted it on Capcom-Unity.
Its been the night from saturday to sunday where it struck me that I should actually be rather careful about doing this stuff. It also struck me that I should share this ASAP! And at that time ... I for once couldn't share it via YouTube. I didn't have an easy way to share it here on my site either. All I had was that list of songs and when to play them - and I was cautious to not create any more of it. I still have some cam-records of some things I did ... and eventually gave them a treat as has become common these days. So yea - back in those days I didn't have OBS either.

Then the second big thing came around. I just felt like it and since I was busy at klinik.tv and had access to adobe premiere ... I thought I could give it a shot. This time it was more difficult to pinpoint things; But I had the list ... and so I made a Video, shared it ... and nothing.

I mean - in 'my' life there wasn't anything really interesting going on. So, this part is all about the Matrix and how it mattered to people elsehwere. And I don't know much about that. Or anything. All I know is that nobody came to talk to me about it. Or whenever I tried to show it to someone they ... somehow looked the other way. Like ... I had some contageous desease. I anyhow felt like everyone in Stuttgart knows me, thinking that I'm crazy, nuts or dangerous ... or to at least never respond to my religious ambitions. #FalseProphet? And I still kindof feel that way ... although ... it's now more like ... random people greeting me.
However - you can kindof see for yourself how long it took me to then start using my providers "one photo" tool to just go all out. ANd I would like to ... pause for a second to just contemplate the setup to this. How for years there were only those two videos and my outrageous claims ... to how I then went onto a 6 day schedule to count up to 27 while here and there I wouldn't just wait 6 days for the next. Oof ... and now ... 2 years later I'm counting like ... close to a Terrabyte of video. (By the way, I'm restricted to 500 gigs on the One Photo thing).


But so - the story still somehow concludes in the matter of my mental health issues.

It was my social contact person that started to grow concerned. Well, they'd check by our rooms every week or so. As it turned out I was weighing 42 something kilograms. She and I went to my doctor - he referred me to a Neurologist and as that Neurologist was probing me for emotional reasons I only knew one answer. Having expressed it to her; And later also my contact person - I one day just did it. I dressed according to my gender - and that gave me a ... boost ... of feeling right and good ... that it just stuck.
Well. That was the big thing I was afraid about starting therapy. That I would be asked to start dressing accordingly - and to do that for in about 2 years before it could go anywhere. But now I was doing it while I hadn't even begun therapy yet - and I had ZERO ambitions to take a step back.

Now there had been two objectives for me. The one is to find a therapist; And the other was to find some way to regain weight. The idea was some psychosomatic therapy - but the doctor I spoke to was concerned that I may have mental health issues and in that respect it'd be better for me to go into a psychiatry first. And I was ... freaked out. Like scared. So, I tried to find some other way and after some back and forth (in one place I literally got rejected because I was weighing too little ...) I arrived back in front of her and ... I don't really know what it was. Maybe she explained it better to me this time. Maybe my contact person calmed me down enough. Maybe it was that I had a conversation with some doctor who confirmed my worries to me that made me think that I HAD to face this. Maybe I just realized that it couldn't be as much of a horror thing as I expected. However. I got into a full day psychiatric hospital for several weeks ... and ... I'm glad I did!

Thereafter I moved on to a day-clinic, then 4 weeks of rehabilitation - and then ... back to life. I had started but so also went back to therapy (my therapist and my contact person had teamed up to get me on track) - eventually then got hormone replacement therapy started, got my name and gender change approved ... and ... then I was prepared for another rehabilitation to get back into the workplace before tackling gender reassignment operation. But then ... Covid-19 happened. And now I wonder if I should change that around ... wasting even more time ... ? One way or another? Well ... I don't really feel it's urgent right now - yet I don't want to wait too long ... .


And that's that. So - yea. Before I got into psychiatric care my contact person and I went to a hospital to there directly get some ... info. That was the first time where I ... took a step back. I didn't feel secure enough to basically live in a hospital and express myself as a woman. But that day I realized that ... no! I rather look like a freak (which for the first couple of weeks in psychiatry I certainly did because I for instance wore my bra - with the socks in it - but didn't care enough to shave myself) being myself than trying to ... be something I am not.

And I think ... that's the closing statement for here. For now. I realize that at least when it comes to Depressions these folks kindof know what they're doing. Since I can't speak too much of other experiences ... I can't really speak to that. It's important that you care for yourself. To so "Love your neighbour as you Love yourself" - including the ... Loving yourself part.

Yea - and that's where this story is at ... right now. October 13th ... 2020.