"I have stuff to do" - and I have hobbies. Both are things next to certain medical and cosmetic issues I'm having at this point
that give me an easily accessible position I may take in regards to me and my clarity. It all spells 'no' - and one thing that
yet takes me back into 'yes' ... my mind. As I'm writing about it I don't feel 'well' consolidating these counter points. They
make me feel like I'm going for a really exhausting uphill hike ... one that might not even be necessary.
I feel exhausted from simply 'thinking about it'. But whenever I do I get to look at myself and I come to wonder whether that might
just be 'normal fatigue'. But odd how this fatigue only kicks in while I'm taking this stance; While up unto that point everything
was just fine.
It is however ... a thing. Its 1:47 a.m. - and I "probably shouldn't be doing these things". But when I so get to bed and wake up
the next day; Nothing has been gained from it. Except maybe that I find myself under some 'sexual need' without any handles to
satisfy them. Writing about these things however gets to be satisfying. Except once I've written myself too far into a corner.
This corner ... that can be both sides. Either I'm too pessimistic about it; Or I've been openly optimistic about it. In the first
case I come to more and more excuse myself for what I am - and eventually my thoughts are just "too far out the window" for them to
be a reasonable thing to write about. In the latter, well, I feel like I've done what I could and don't know how else to dig into
it. ... Maybe I just sense controversy and don't know the right way to address it.
"Sanity" - well, let me be straight. I'm lazy. I'm too lazy to go see a doctor about it, but I have a problem with my butt. I got
a fissure and sometimes I bleed more than other times. My teeth are yellow and disintegrating. I'm underweight. From masturbating
my spine is curved since on the right side my muscles are "developed" and on the other they are not. My 6 pack is like 3 toy cars
next to 3 monster trucks. These are generally speaking 'sane reasons' why I can't be a whore.
Nobody would want their dick in my mouth or my saliva on their skin; Nor would taking me from behind be all that fun. Plus I'm
super skinny and deformed.
"On top of that" - well - I have it that most of the people I'm into are female - although some of them "should be" male. I think.
So is there for once the possibility that there's a reason for that. Instead of fucking me I might be the one fucking them. I could
think of it as some holiday. Here however I don't think I have an option and that solves a few of my conflicts. Kindof.
I'm transsexual and even if they were horny for the male me I couldn't really be happy that way. I could be, for a while. But ...
I feel like the time for that is faaaaar into the future rather than near.
However - the context still remains. That of 'me with them' in some non sex-working manner. That there be some space where I could
pursue my hobbies; Not demanding myself to be prostituted although thats what I should be - just cause "others" are going to.
Beyond that, well, my dreams are possibly too wild as well. What I'm asking for is basically a life entirely submerged within
sexual duties. One of my 'main kinks' is that of having my privacy replaced with it. Therefore I dream of being locked up, as an
abductee held captive as a sex slave. Thats where the 'hobby' thing starts to fall apart. But I'll get to that. Needless to say,
there's a practical problem with this. Or is it?
Technically its not a problem at all. But it depends of course. And here's a sane argument: The extent to which I'm 'locked
up' is to correlate to the amount of demand I'm exposed to. I would picture myself in a "raw state" as simply 'put into place'. That
being about my partners and what they do to me in terms of appearances. So, first establishing that to the public I'm their 'pet' -
and that would already be an up in my so far conceived quality of life. Privacy and stuff I do - thats not regarded. I could be
'free' - though, the more this situation would be "occupied respectively" the less of that "internal freedom" I had, or needed.
And on a sidenote: Regarding certain kinks the state of my butthole doesn't matter.
Do I need freedom or captivity?
There's a simple 'line of margin' there. As we 'experience' different normalities, our frames of reference regarding certain things
are abstract to each other. So, ... if I go too far for you, regarding my 'wishes', you'd say "Hold on hold on!/Stop stop stop!".
On the other side, if you were to take your ideals and impose them onto me, so - for the best effect, lets say: Trying to convince
me to let go of all of it, I'd be saying that (stop stop stop).
There's a 'sad' truth. It is - simply - that I want to be something that is fairly abstract to the way I happen to be now. Its sad
because I hold on to my Hobbies, I value them, but ultimately have to let them go. They simply make no sense to me, other than ...
well, being able to do something other than ... being a cunt.
The practical truth is that what I am now - thinking, basically, of my male self and what potentials it holds in that regard - is
to me like the framework of a tent. Not the complete structure. In due time I will have lived countless lives, and whenever I'm
born free, I live as that being thats eventually yet to get abducted or somehow else exploited. There so is the one side and there
is the other. Being a Sex-Slave there means that there is a life I can lament about to immerse myself within the situation. Although;
After the novelty of that insight has worn out I realized that its far less significant than it might seem.
On the objective end I guess its simply so that we're all 'conscious' - we live - and there's times and spaces for us to just 'be'
without any duty or compulsion or something like that. Thats to contrast an alternative where I wouldn't even need to learn how to
talk.
To get 'right to it' - well: I've written about it often enough. I would take an opposed stance to examine my feelings 'seriously'
and get to the same ends. Sometimes I'm compelled to write more and that end becomes more and more specific. So would I be lying or
hustling/pretending if I discarded those 'ends' as my wishes.
The basic thing I want to be - when speaking of the future of our kind as settled within this world - is like a showpiece. In the
most 'literal' sense as 'victim to sin to glorify sin'.
Sin here isn't that type of sin that we're not supposed to do. Its 'Sin' in context of 'the holy' - the 'hard' stance of God in
terms of Order; A stance that not all 'can' (or have to) comply with. We're all different; And general differences as I understand
them are sorted out into religions wherein God plays His part respectively.
So - adultery for instance. Whatever the definition of it may be, ... there's the one where we enjoy betraying our beloved one or
being betrayed by them. Though much simpler we can speak of 'disrespect' and how its 'normal' (and wanted) in BDSM culture.
As victim of sin I 'desire' being treated rough. As ultimately getting 'raped to death' while generally subjected to torture as the
type of sex I want/need in order to get there.
For me - sooner or later thats where I want to be. I could die and get reborn into such a life, but honestly - I('d) want to step
right into it.
Thats the word that "seals the deal" for me. While I would love to indulge you with the horrors I fantasize of, there generally is
a conflict that takes me back and forth; In and out. It just doesn't 'feel right' - as, "why" ... or "how" ... should "this" 'my
life' be acceptable to you? Is it duty? Well - thats probably the thing that rubs me the wrong way.
It all comes down to that. Retirement.
If you so were to think of it that way; That I'm simply 'retiring' as there isn't much the mortal world has to teach me - you can
take all 'duties' or responsibilities away from me as I were allowed to live my retirement. Well, the way I would also live in the
afterlife. So - simply a tool to describe ... my privilege.
So, outside of retirement we had to account for 'normality'. Whatever our society is going to evolve into ... there's ... the thing
... saying: "Life has so much to offer" - basically. Thus I would be continuing with my hobbies and other duties as simply put:
Life is life. And yea, in this sense - normality might be more common than you might suggest from this "religion splitting" thing.
Once retired I however wouldn't have a real "need" to pursue my hobbies anymore. I wouldn't have anything I really wanted. I know
what I want, how I want to live - its 'painfully' obvious to me - and so my resolution is that the truth of my conflicts is that I
want to retire.
Although this might not be the right place, I'll just leave a short impression for context.
The one most important to me is captivity. Captivity is to say that I want to be literally captive. As of my freedom. The freedom to
be unfree. Putting me into it, treating me like it - so: Actively denying me a life of freedom - that could be considered a sin.
Exploiting me like my life is to end sooner or later anyway ... that can be a part of it. For that manner I sometimes have to use
"expanded terms" - so, in this case labeling myself as a 'rape slave'. Captured to get raped.
Love by hate is another thing. One that is sadistic would 'love' someone to be sadistic upon. One that is masochistic would 'love'
someone to be sodomized by. Simple thing.
Although I have "a" 'special love' for someone - "all the good stuff" - thats not really the type of thing I truly value. Therefore
"she" is more of an excuse. Someone I love, someone I lost, someone ... distant ... within my state of captivity. On the other side
she's supposed to love me - and what I get is sadism.
If I can be reborn as a retired sex-slave; There is no need to sugarcoat it. I would love to be raped. ASAP! Sometimes sooner,
other times harder - or whatever. I'm looking forward to being a teen prostitute, a disposable baby, a "toy bride" ... and everyone
who's by truth compelled to be into these things from the one side or the other - in my opinion should have a way to live
accordingly.
And yea. I don't want to be too specific about what exactly I want. Like, getting my eyes removed or a shit-cake for birthday. I
however know that I want to be at the bottom of things. I want to be deprived. Getting deprived. A life of demise, of misery - all
the horrible and cruel words one might think of (... well ... "give or take"); And yea ... thats for a good ending. I mean - once
I'm overstepping the boundaries I'm supposed to inch back respectively - and thats I think the best tone I could end this with. So,
with sentences of de-escalation rather than the opposite.
These (cruel, etc.) so are just 'words' - of course. Not to take away from it though; Whatever desires there are - supported by God - that are
sadistic and require a whore as victim; "Thats my life". But I'm not really confident about it. I can't be. And whatever the end
may be - we certainly would first have to get warmed up for it! That is to say that there is basically 'nothing' to all this without
the corresponding infrastructure behind it; As there is no culture without people. That said though, this shouldn't really matter.
Except maybe in one regard: "Happy Times". And that is an 'abstract' to the Hobbies issue. While I so have nothing else to do I
might as well enjoy myself ... playing Videogames for instance. So have I picked up on Starcraft 2 recently and ranked into Gold
League (2, top 10 ish). And continuing in this sense is "possible". Except that because it isn't 'truly my life' its gonna get "old"
eventually. My gender conflict relates to that; Where - if I approach my gender that way I 'don't' feel good about it.
So, outside of brothels and dungeons there is space for whatever. Whatever works. Thats been the 'general situation' once. So as I
of my life realize that the work I do, I do it in my privacy. So I think that I can't find any occupation while I generally live
like an animal; And the only thing missing is a clarity related roundabout. For some reason that however didn't work for me in some
way that eludes me right now. I guess it depends on what one were to imply.
I think there is the idea that 'my heart is going for it'. That this 'whatever else' is what I want and clarity were just window
dressing, more or less. But its rather the way around. The reason why it eluded me here is because in essence its trivial
hair-splitting. Being specific would matter if things were to somehow go on autopilot. If people so were robots that needed
programming. Or it didn't work for me because I didn't have enough context to put it into proper perspective. And that perspective
... was another problem in its own right. Its trivial because ultimately life should be free. Thinking too far ahead bears the
potential of creating false boundaries and/or expectations. Life 'should be free', but that doesn't mean that there is nothing
we can settle on. And there's the problem. Going the "whatever else" way and settling on that ... that doesn't feel right to me.
So when thrown in as an 'excuse' of some sort the idea became that 'thats it'. Nothing more. And once thats on your mind, I think,
every divergence from it would spark conflicts. But at some point this isn't a 'public interest' thing. I mean, the idea that 'we/I'
should so announce what we'd be doing and then wait for 'your' approval; That doesn't feel right. At the very least when the things
in question are emerging between two (or more) consenting adults.
And if you so happen to be part of this pesky "How?!?!?!?" group - you're either welcome to think about it or you can fuck right off!
I mean, "Sorry". There's the one side to this which we all want to know more about. And there's the other where the "How" can be
asked forever as the answer is simply "as a communal effort". Period! And the reason I get angry about this is because ... at some
point you just have to learn to 'live' - making your own choices, finding your right way, having fun with other people and
whatever. You have to trust that if we have an issue like this, where we want and need something, 'we' ("the people") inevitably
have to figure out a way. We can so ask this silly 'how' question at every point during physics or biology or math or chemistry and
such class. "How does gravity work?". "How does buoyancy work?". "So and so!". "But how?". "How does a thing move?". "Energy!". "But
how?"
So, "sorry" I don't have time explaining everything in detail that could possibly be explained - ever!
For once "how"ever, that takes us back to the beginning. "How" would I allow myself to become a whore? And the answer of 'clarity'
is simple in that I'm sure that its something we all want! If you beg to differ - you, I think, just don't get it yet! You want
something - lets call it 'fulfillment' - so, "wouldn't it be nice" ... if God could help us out 'maximizing' our gains?
For me - I have two options. 1) I enter a relationship where I'm exposed to those things. 2) I say 'fuck it' and go to some place
where I get exposed to those things. That could be a BDSM event; There I could meet people and that way get to option 1. And the
extent to which I'd be settling in there would correspond to me and how people correspond to me. At the beginning it might just be
occasional meetings, later we might have more organized communities and entities and along with that more 'options' as for instance
regarding ways of life. Full time or Part time.
The thing is that I so would eventually start to 'play' Slave because thats my thing. When I meet the right person or people that
would become part of a more serious relationship; One that is eventually 'built' on those things rather than something else. In
this world, as it is, however - not only would I feel uncomfortable in both regards (because aforementioned issues); But also would
the 'best outcome' ... well ... "eventually not have a lot to do with Enlightenment". Give or take.
So is there "option 3". Clarity. If we learned how to integrate it into our society. Well ... there's a bit of a bug here. Thinking
of options 1 and 2 I was thinking within clarity terms. So, clarity here isn't supposed to be like a paper I go to some place with and then get employed as a whore. Its my own awareness of what I am and what I want.
Eventually then I'll either organically get
into a situation from where to be that (option 1) or I'll dare to set a foot into "these" environments. Where the difference with
clarity is that there would be 'knowledge'. So, am I just a customer? Or am I this or that? What am I supposed to do?
I have to mention that I experience a strong drag into 'unenlightened areas' here.
And maybe there are ways, things and places for
these things in that - unenlightened - and maybe I can't convince you of those ways being bad. But to me they are and I would fight
to not become a part of them! And that means that I'm fighting for the 'true way' to become the dominant ideology on this planet and
maybe the entire Universe.
For me that is paramount to truly enjoy myself. So - the thing is that you can get these things wrong if you don't believe that all
the "hardcore" elements herein are from God. As I so feel this 'sentiment' that God is way too "soft" to really get down to "the
bottom" of those things. But quick reminder: The split into sub-religions within Unification is specifically contrasted between Light
and Dark. That means that differences are extreme enough for God to see the need to split himself up into grand archetypes to
accommodate us all. So, I'm 'not' a "Light Side" person with a few dark kinks. I'm a 'Dark Side' person with a few 'light' things
that play into my dark kinks. The bride of God that exists as the sow of Satan. Or rather the bride/sow of Satan that once lived as
bride of God.
Within this Satanism is space for further cults. Because so are these 'grand archetypes' eventually still too general - and we too
diverse to be any specific about anything beyond a certain point without drawing further lines.
So, don't let 'them' take it away
from you!
And while Gods thing is perfection I don't care if anyone can give me 'more' of anything I get from Him. More of what I want and less
of what I don't want ... isn't better if what I have is perfect!
And with a bit of critical thinking you can see that this is at the roots of the problems discussed here. What is too much? What is
not enough?
So in reality I believe these Clarity things will happen inevitably. At least once Unification has spread itself into dominance.
Even if I didn't mention it at all - people would sooner or later find theirs; And that would then be something we had to think about.
And so is the issue for me. I found mine - and that since has become a major issue. The most evident thereby is that I need a place
to go to. So, where I can be what I am. In the vaguest terms - a Satanist (within terms of Unification [sigh]//Christian/Holy
Satanism ("a.k.a. 'unholy'")). Or generally: A whore. Whatever it is that connects us around whatever thing. I hereby am just one
voice - which at this point makes up 100% of "the population".
I however have to anticipate that people that do get in will need time to adjust. But I also know that my 'twist' into sexuality has
occurred right after. Except I didn't know what to make of it and kept denying/ignoring it until much later down the road.
And that story basically is one of "even if we were at our most stubborn, blind and incompetent" regarding these things; For as long
as we don't fulfill the demands of our inner truths we won't be happy settling with what we got! "Basta"
So is all acknowledgment we need shifted to something more simple. More accessible. Less individualistically messy. The things that
perverts want and do wouldn't matter much to anyone else. Except in certain regards that then however become part of the "thing" a
particular sub-religion is about. It might be scary to think of giving the power of jurisdictional autonomy to groups that form on
basis of ethical differences; But thats not really the best way of putting it either. I think. It is the best way of putting it when
we need a simple punchline. What this actually means however is that we need representatives for the major groupings that emerge.
They have a responsibility to the group they are a part of, but also to the rest in the Light of our unison.
What we have to acknowledge is that God creates and enforces those sub-religions - whereafter we of course
'want to' know what they are all about. Like, celebrating a cult of sexual lewdness that also turns children into prostitutes. I
don't think that a case such as pedophilia should slip under the radar. Its gonna be known. So you can deal with it. Now, "how" we
get to an established culture from mere wantings ... thats a different story. But there are things we can talk of as 'facts'. One
being that God supports these feelings. Not being down with them would put you on one side of a line - a line as drawn between Light
and Dark. All you need to know are the fundamental tenants of a sub-religion - or more to the point: Differences and things that
have a legal impact. You would then have to trust that the people in Charge are acting responsibly; Which however shouldn't be too
difficult once its settled what the whole community is about. But I don't mean to say that its all just 'blind trust'. But blind
trust eventually turns out to be better than stubborn foolishness. If you so don't want to understand the underlying principles you're
not really helping anyone!
Because God enforces these sub-religions there is more to it than just simple intellectual differences. But individualities
yet exist on a gradient. But if what you want out of a romantic relationship doesn't work with Satanistic ideals, well, you're not
gonna be a Satanist. And Satanists will have children too - where first of all Satanistic principles would apply. And here I want
to mention that I believe life with God to be more fluid than you might be able to fathom. Especially because a lot of the things I
have to describe aren't all that 'fluid'. But naturally so. There would be more than one way to grow up as part of a Satanistic
household; And specifically do I here want to address the potential 'flux' between religions. So, one might join a religion and
thus leaving the one they grew up in. If someone gets raised as a slave that wouldn't want to be a slave we could talk about rape or
child-abuse. For sure. But there should be more to it than just that unless the parents were simply stupid. That shouldn't divert us
from looking for our ideals. "How" exactly that will happen I don't really know.
Generally speaking: Without any sub-religions we'd pick our intellectual leaders and that way get to have some 'infrastructure' where
these discussions could emerge. Then we'd assemble in light of our sub-religions, again picking our intellectual leaders and then
have more of an infrastructure to forward these discussions. Each sub-religion then would so experience some kind of 'redemption'
from an abstract 'general norm'; And first of all there would be those aspects of our desires that aren't problematic - although
primitive. Eventually things would evolve and more problematic issues would move to the top and be opened as items that 'brand' a
specific religion.
On the 'lighter' side we would have idols and on the heavier side ... 'gore'. Because of me the 'victim' side came forth first and
I guess that is as fair as it can get!
Would I have to live up to that? Well, that is the initial struggle of this segment. There's the way of 'whatever' on which I
could excuse myself from these things; But the story is that I don't/wouldn't want to. So: Would I 'have to'? Well ... would I 'want'
to?