I so would for instance want a place where I could go, maybe wearing something specific, ... to so get me kidnapped into a life of
prostitution. Or maybe tell the Church and they'd send someone. However - I would certainly want to be specific to end up in the right
'society' - a.k.a. with people of God, if Satan is too ambiguous.
Once captive - I would want to have no hopes at ever getting out of it. And thats something specific. There's a way, I feel, of
being 'captive' but an end is somehow in sight. When I think of retirement - well - there isn't. And thats ... a thing I want.
Respectively do I not want to be seen as a temporary thing. At some point of 'consolidation' however things still seem to get a bit too
much. Constant demise so doesn't really feel/sound right. Its certainly one way of describing my desire to live in depravity forever;
But I can also live in depravity while simply living as a pet. But on that note - 'pet' ('animal') would so be the 'upper' bar
for me.
I would want everyone to be happy about my demise. It should be a thing like ... Christmas, or ... saying 'Hello' or 'Thank You'.
I want people to have as much fun 'putting' me into that life as I have fun living it. I guess thats somewhat obvious, ... or ...
rational. But being more specific, that fun from peoples side would have to be a kink for getting me messed up.
Being a silicone doll, maybe, or "for once" ... or more ... its ... odd. To me. I mean, once I were retired my looks and stuff -
even my health - wouldn't mean much to me. So to me this is more of a mirror like that. I look at myself and see how I myself am
irrelevant vs. being relevant to others. My superficiality is only there for one reason, basically. Being "mutilated" visually -
so, extremely thick lips and no small breasts, I wouldn't like that as a person/individual. I couldn't live life normally like that.
But 'lucky' ... that doesn't matter so much.
Being blind has an interesting perk. Other senses matter more. And especially in a situation of being exposed to a sadistic culture
that ... is a prospect I find stimulating.
But I really don't want any pain. Thinking of mutilation - getting limbs removed, eventually just for the fun of seeing me like
that - thats stimulating as well but I can't make friends with any amount of pain I might have endure. Not sober at least. But
... once any drug wears off - sobriety follows. And I can't make friends with that either.
Having Sex with animals.
Regularly getting fed with all sorts of bodily excretions. Especially on my birthday. Well - or not? I certainly have a "hard
one" for suffering. While there certainly are limits to that, in the end, ... I would want to cue up a shitload of it for me!
"Its a re-resolution" of sort. These are things I want and to me it is obvious that the reasons are identical to why I recognize
myself as whore. Usually I would wake up the other day and find myself too much on the one or the other side of things. Once I was
too "harmless" I'm not pleased and else bugged to express myself to its fullest. Once I was too 'brutal' I don't like the idea
that as I'm waking up I might never wake up this peacefully again.
Eventually do I so end up distancing myself from these things, trying to take a sane and sober position to it. So are these wishes
things I do not know what to make of them. They are wishes. Silly wishes maybe. They are there inside me and want to come out. At
the very least in this context.
The idea that from now to then, in the blink of an eye, I would have to embrace these things is crazy. The point is that there's a
certain lifestyle from where these wishes make sense. And regarding that I can make 'sane' and 'sober' statements. So are there
those wishes vs. what I feel I truly want. So is there this image of me entering my 'home', that where I so would live/be owned as
a pet, as a simple 'startup' condition to think about. All is open in that. So could my situation as a pet be merely play that is
happening every once in a while. There so is nothing established and the only thing present are the implied individuals. And while
I so for once can think of going on with my life as I'm used to; I can also think of attempts to expand on our clarities. And thats
where it 'really' begins for me. Things I can think of that I might enjoy. Things that I then end up enjoying, rather than just
doing, they will eventually "end me into prostitution"; And that in a way from where all these other wishes start to make sense.
These wishes have their own narrative to them. The last one for instance. In that the situation of so being a 'toilet slave' is
presented as the 'foundation to it all'. Its like the thing I (must) want in order to be(come) truly a "rape slave". When however
taking it that way, turning it into the 'opening condition' for all, I think I would decline.
So to me these things usually come down to "other people". Not exclusively. I'm also a part of that, but in the whole its 'all'
about what we want. Our respective clarities, which - as they come sponsored by God - have to work with each other. And that 'all'
about things we want 'so' isn't about wishes like the upper ones. They come in or matter eventually and help us to expand and improve
our framework sotospeak; But without the individualistic God given foundation to it there is no point to those.
That is to say that clarity to me isn't about these wishes. It isn't constructed of them however. I so for instance enjoy getting it
in my ass, but that doesn't come out as a "grand wish". Its a like that 'supplements my Character'. Bondage being another. Captivity
as well. But in that regard, Captivity can be a condition of play. ... I think ... . So is 'enslavement' maybe the better word. In
terms of my clarity there is no huge perceived difference between them. And yea, such things make the matter a bit more
complicated.
Am I? Well - actually I'm a Queen. So in the Kingdom of God (as evidenced by how reality converges around me). Deal with it! The term 'princess' for me isn't about royal status but one of self-deprivation; A hard contrast
to whatever I might conceive as 'my male self'. Or more so: The 'way' of my male self. So, as we can regard the spirit as gender
neutral we eventually get to speak of nuances that sortof 'want' to be split into genders. Male and Female. Plus and Minus.
Introverted and Extroverted. Hard and Soft. What I now regard as male within me is a certain way of a 'stiffened will'. We could
say 'dominance' or 'self determination'. We can so take the idea of what a "Macho" is as the raw piece of clay that makes up the
male mind. "Self confident", "braving the storms", ... 'determined'. Everyone has that. Having such doesn't make one male. Though
the extent to which one has those things might play a factor in it. I so would regard myself as male - even; And that mostly because
my female side doesn't have enough 'substance' to it. Well ... things that make it strong. Although that would still be the larger
part. And that also works in regards of my "polarity" to God. God so would be first of all female as originally there are no
'stiffened' anythings. But because God is the eternal will his male side eventually is the larger one. So, eventually things get complicated. The deeper we look into a being the more likely we are to find issues of that kind.
And depending on the person those could be more on the trivial side of things. Except ... that once a person starts to discover
these personal truth of their own they become ... inexplicably important.
Now is this 'stiffened will' (the male one ... I guess) something that needs substance. Its like a formula and if I'm having issues
I can pluck them in and so I will act according to my way. One thing I "could" pluck in would be "acting" female; Although what I
imply is a bit more complicated than that.
"Going transsexual" to me asks me to be confident about it. Kindof. So can I put my male energy into a female appearance, putting
my confidence into it. As I find more comfort in the product of that, I find more confidence in it and thats a closed loop. "Peace
with myself". When it then comes to feminization, or so the kink of being feminized, that extends into other things. For instance
the ways of being a slut. Or so, ... simply the same in a different layer of appearances.
It however goes beyond appearances as ... "intimacy occurs". In essence ... "being male about having a vagina" for instance. Or
liking it that way. While generally speaking I would consider myself to be passive, there also happens to be 'activity' in
passivity. Embracing it for instance, to mention something simple. Enjoying it, internalizing it. And thats how I'd want to be loved;
If ... things had to be simple. It also works while having a penis, but ... the thing with that is that it has something of a mind of
its own. One of restlessness ... but yea. About that ... quite some time ago I started to feel my penis as odd. I didn't rationalize
that I was transsexual, I just ... internally knew it. I so felt it as something funny and kindof befriended it. And that got to a
point where I was wondering if my transsexuality would be a betrayal of that friendship. Its a playful way of describing the conflicts
and pitfalls that we can expect to encounter. So yea, in essence - well - my penis doesn't have a mind of its own and thus feels the
same way about it as I do. Which took time to realize, but, this wasn't really on my radar either.
Now is this so a term (princess) that makes its way to certain "places" of my self-awareness and functions in certain ways. To a
simpler understanding it would be 'a place' thats intrinsically a part of my "Character" and there functions in certain ways.
Respectively am I not getting much out of mentioning it. Its a wish, similar but different to others, ... and the same term could
mean totally different things for others; Like - if it were in your spine maybe.
Calling myself a princess - in the way I mean it - certainly doesn't work for me as an independent woman. Its too intimate
eventually. Its a term thats however 'strong' of its own; So that in essence a part of it is a literal desire to be a princess
literally. Its however no 'strong' desire ... its part of the associated image. So, for once there's the idea of living without much
to worry about, basically, while not being in a super important position - and that somehow evokes a part of the feeling I associated
with it.
It so isn't really of any importance to anyone whatsoever. It also is less of a 'royalty' thing as a term that could functionally
work for everyone. And that so differently for everyone. I'm a whore and so for me it works in tandem with that. Its still a wish
though. It however isn't a wish I could express to anyone. Not because it were awkward but because it were pointless. For what I 'am'
there's my spine (Queen/Royalty/Goddess). And that isn't a wish, its a statement. I mean - I can deny it to myself or not, but
either way - I am what I am; And you can either accept it or you don't. Its more about my own behavior than it is about your
"appreciation" thereof - but knowing where I'm coming from might help you at dealing with me. Except that a formal appreciation
thereof is far from normal to me. That I think is yet something different.
The reason why this item makes it onto my wishlist is because what I imply thereby is something that is dear to me. As you may see
it also happens to be "synonymous" (to some extent at least) with my gender identity. It isn't an esoteric thing, nor is it an
external thing. But dealing with my gender, what I want and am - clarity aside, "goes through that place". More specifically so its
about the biological transition rather than of the outfitting. But so again its 'pointless' because thats 'my way'. Its my journey.
Its not saying "I'm a princess" where I could replace princess by Queen or Goddess - and what I mean to show is how complex the
matter of wishes can be.
Its a wish I have to pursue as of my own interests. Kindof. While so in any intimate relationship it could become mutual. And for
what you were to see of it, that'd be something more attributable to my spine. Its similar to the upper ones in that it isn't easily
a "give me" statement; Yet different as the foundation it "grows upon" is different.
Well - the only way you'd 'see' any of it were as part of my color preferences - I guess.
It isn't a part of my clarity either in that I can separate the two from each other.
And if I were born female it would be more of an honorable label while being born as male its more of a humiliation.
Do I think 'wishes' are enough? What are wishes? Is all we need to do to just "want"? An answer thats easy enough is: "It/They will
be!". Like so are wishes the simplest of motivations we have; And motivations are what get us going. A problem with life is that,
thats part of the problems we have, we don't always want the right thing. But we don't have to look as far as my kinks to start
seeing them. Theft is much easier. Or more true to the context we might speak about adultery. And sure, for whats bad about adultery;
Thats still bad in Unification. The boundaries for what can and what can't - thats different though.
On one side the issue isn't what we want, but the things we can do in order to get them. So there is the golden rule, virtue,
more rules, ... things put in place so we can have some common sense agreement on these matters.
On that line 'wishes' are easily the most "detestable" (dangerous) thing we have. Or 'complicated'. Whatever it is that we want, we
first have to think about it. In cases such as the upper ones we may have to discard them entirely and in cases such as the previous
one we have to eventually live with the idea that we're never going to experience them.
"Dark Pits and Sky-castles". We have to be willing to change ourselves if we want to be better people and live in a society of wealth,
freedom and peace. Or is the combination of those words impossible? But on that note: "No, I'm not going to fight for the Kingdom of
Darkness to reign supreme". Except you understand the Kingdom of Darkness to be a part of Unification. But in that regard - which
reigns how isn't entirely up to us.
That I think however that our wishes 'will' be all we need eventually should be easy to understand. More to the point though: Once we
start understanding ourselves in the Light of God we simply have wishes that correspond to that Light; But so do the fulfillments
have to be based upon that Light or else they'll just be dark nonsense. Right?
Respectively are they not wishes that come without context. They don't exist of themselves, like meaningless things do.
What I so happen to be speaking about is a transformation. Its though less of a transformation as it is a growing. Some parts of you
will become 'heavier/brighter' - and the context these things draw will uplift your mind to somehow 're-invent' yourself. Whatever
you then drag into that would for once be of your 'cleansed' spirit; But next to that will require Gods approval. Once God approves
it 'connects' with the Light and become a thing or things or part of things that you 'want'. Other things you 'want' are simply not
going to 'happen' - that way. You'll not 'feel them' - and that because God works against them.
And if you read these as a divine acknowledgment of the things I want - sure! Thats what I believe and try to say. But context matters.