I admit defeat ...

now the only question is, how I'll handle the fallout of that.

I've tried - I've pushed to the limits - and there I found ... what I had basically known all along. Now I may however have to be the bigger person and not say that I have "told it so" - because, well, unfortunately I got overwhelmed by the many contentions one might have brought up to that stance of mine so that I did admit that maybe those might be right.

It also rings kinda wrong to me to just throw my hands up in the air, and pretend like that settles it. Because also; Fair enough; Did I manage to grow and improve along the way. So, it wasn't all useless. It isn't even entirely clear to me yet just how much that defeat is to imply. I may suggest that the initial assumption was fair enough, but I also reckon that at that point the issue comes down to minor nuances that I don't care too much being critical about.

What am I talking about? My rehabilitation back into the workspace. And it feels great to get that off my chest.

A simple understanding I think is, that I'm at an age now, where I simply do lack the neuroplasticity to change myself as radically as I now so thoroughly understand. And that sure is an emotional understanding. There just are what might as well just be physical limitations. I thereby can't bring myself to change what I do experience to be integral to my being. But trying to rationalize it, describing it in this manner, somewhat cheapens it. That I so have struck the bone it seems - parts of me that just resist my attempts at bending myself into a different shape. And that's not based in magical thinking or ignorance or just the assumption that it ought to be so.

But there's more. The last few month, basically since my previous PDF drop, I've basically not been under the pressure to really do anything specific anymore. And I also notice that writing about stuff also just takes me back into problems that I'd rather not have. IRL I realize even more, that often enough I just spew gibberish. The simple conclusion being, that if I didn't have the time to properly digest an idea or opinion, it's probably not worth sharing. The simple issue being, what's now even still worth trying to chew on?
So I thought that I'd be free of the burden - that I could focus on other things - and while that may yet be so; That entire mode of operations isn't so easy to get rid of. On a more fundamental Level I think it to be sound to say that this mode of operations is furthermore rooted within simple ways of self; Call it individualism; And with that I'm back at what I'm comfortable calling my whole shtick beyond the basics.

It's only tiresome in as far as I double and tripple question my stances - is at least what I've discovered just recently. But well.


In a sense I think I'm supposed to admit defeat beyond what I did. That ... causing a stir ... should be out of the question. Sure, "supposed to" by some arbitrary standard that nobody really invokes but everyone still somehow subconsicously abides by. But no.

There is though that one thing that I haven't really done openly so far. And that's because I don't have much confidence in any prognosis concerning the future. I do however find that I'm consecutively more and more pissed on by the state of the world that I sure as fuck think that 'it' has to go. And in as far as my own track-record is concerned ... well, there was the in-fighting, the visible desperation, the apparent tiredness of the people to deal with this astro-turfed nonsense, it's really only a question of time before it all comes crumbling down; And anyone who wants to square their lives with the Bible should see it as something so evident, it shouldn't be considered much of an accomplishment to have said it so.

It is after all so with that dream of Nebuchadnezzar, the one with the rolling stone. It's only a question of time; And the only accomplishment would be to have known which side comes out on top. By default everyone would assume their own to be that, which is part of this whole suckage - so yea, go figure. The one to come out on top has to be the one that has the potential for it; And what now might be this super complicated and ultra-controversial stance is going to be a really simple thing by then. It has to be, because ... that's what it says in as far as I'm concerned.

And so the story goes: You can sure try to imply that it's not going to be what I say it's going to be - but ... you can't really change what it's going to be. Sure then it won't really matter anymore, because it will be what it will be, whatever whoever says; And it is for that time, that this ambiguity might work out in someones favor. Of course ... sure enough ... up unto a given point in time.


And yea. So, maybe I can admit defeat to all sorts of things; Whether I can convince myself of it or not - because for all I care, it doesn't really matter anymore. And in part that's I think a healthy position for me to take. The only problem is, that thoughts keep piling up - and that's probably going to stress me out one way or another.

That however isn't the reason why I admit defeat. I admit defeat because I see why that is - and it isn't adequately expressed by any one example. Today I might be triggered by something, tomorrow it might be some Videogame, the day after it might be some creative idea - and while I've managed to dial it back considerably; I cannot get rid of it ... at all. I'll so stress myself pretending like it's just some bad habit that I have to get the upper hand on. And that's it. Stress. Bending myself out of shape so that inevitably I will experience relief upon pursuing what I actually care about. It looks like withdrawal symptoms - perhaps - but I'm not convinced that anyone in their right mind would really argue that.

It's not depression, not trauma or any of that; Though depression and trauma might be somehow vibing with it. After all are depression and trauma psychological responses that follow some purpose - self-protection - so they might at occasion actually do what they're supposed to, is my take on it.


What's left is that I recognize more and more that YouTube isn't good for me. I'd say, for the most part, it has done it's job - and a good part of it might even be worth keeping around. It's just become a bit of a drag. Well. Recently I found myself watching 4+ hours of Lego exposition - at while somewhat mind-numbing at times it kinda makes me miss those days. Oblivious to the consequences of time and the pressures of life, just building away ... . And yea, when I now say, asking: Why can't this be life? It sounds stupid. It ought to. That was child's play. But ooh wee ... this whole "real life" thing that I've gotten myself into ... I don't think anything could have properly prepared me for it and I'm convinced a good argument can be made for saying that everyone who could have tried to, would need to be considered borderline psychotic at that point.

I mean, that's the whole argument about God - or against God - on that personal Level. Most of which are just hypotheticals anyway, vastly overshadowed by the stupid shit we pull on each other; So God is really only to blame for not committing another genocide, to put it that way. But whatever. I mean, yea. Whatever. Like, really. I've done my part. Beyond that, you do you and I MUST apologize should I even just appear as though I'm trying to intervene or interject or whatever.


So, I guess that means: Biting into my fist - but, I suppose that's easier said than done. Like, I don't think that everything that's on my mind is nonsense - so yea, maybe that's a cry for help.


"To be continued ..."