More ...

Words. In a way, they are like stones. Some so utterly worthless, that mountains of them wouldn't amount to riches. Others again so valuable, they're kept under lock and key.

Words have meaning - and yet that meaning is lost when there is no-one who understands them.

Meaning ... sometimes it flows as water. Other times it gets stuck. It can conduct itself through words, as words imbued with meaning are meaning imbued onto words.

So far I've learned, that meaning isn't colorless. This is a metaphor, where now a mind imparts color onto a meaning. Their color. Trying to be logical, objective, reasonable, smart, wise ... however maintaining the idea of one true meaning ... is what makes it colorless. Yet beholding meaning through that lens - would have it light up and shine in all colors of the rainbow. Perhaps even more.

Meaning is vast. Everything, even nothing but the void, has it. Maybe. Probably.
Walls, Floor, Ceiling - House, Town, City - Water, Fire, Earth and Air - Loyalty, Betrayal, Friendship ...
Maybe our lives are simple. But what is simple in a world of many, where everyone has a different idea of right and wrong?

Unity, in all this, seems to be a dumb game. For where can there be unity, but amongst the greatest fools and the wisest sages? 1+1=2 ... or [dumb contemporary political slogan].

It is this however that took me here. A little problem, or perceived problem, there - I would think - in the Astair. Is it a blessing or a curse? Is it there to protect or to exploit? I don't know ... but so far it never took long ... for what I meant to congeal into the walls of my prison. Or so is there at least ... that ... what I would call my prison. An earthly prison ... not of walls and bars, not of locks and cages ... but of fate itself, it would seem. Whatever I would put out there, eventually I had to find it dry out and stop in its tracks. And meanwhile the most idiotic things would reach people in the millions.

And so I stare at it - ever so often. Not literally, for I cannot bear its sight. And I like to imagine how things unfold beyond my sight. Though occasionally I just acknowledge it. As deep inside I know. Or think to know - for what else could I make of what transpires?
And how could I escape? What have I tried and not tried? What should I continue to try and what should I stop doing?



There's nowhere I could go, no person I could reach, no ... anything. At least am I not fast enough or smart enough or ... whatever. Even if this whole prison were effectively just held together by duct-tape and squeezed thumbs. Maybe so I am my own enemy in this.

And this whole experiment? Well ... I don't know. But obviously there's something. It's not even weird to me - for the fantastical has always smiled into my life. Although ... perhaps ... blurred between the mundane and the fictitious.

But so I want to choose my words wisely. But maybe not too wisely. For one way or another, this prison will fall.

But is this it? The moment of truth? Well, for my own's sake - I'm gonna tear it down. At least ... if it so is within my power. Or influence. Because ... my heart has moved on. I want to move on. And whether it now is a blessing or a curse ... well. Let it be a blessing, it has served its purpose. I think.

I wonder though, what chaos would break loose if I were to walk free ... as it were.



The main problem so far has been, that I couldn't generate much "hype" around anything I was doing. Or confidence. And there's more than plenty, that I have done, to deserve it. It's not even about myself. I'd say "here!" and "look!" - and wondered why nobody would see. I suppose because of caution at first. Then doubts. And wiggling into that skepticism: Fear. I've come to experience that myself - and ... the insidious part about it: It's rational.

And what is it then? Do I not believe in myself enough? Would that be it? Or should I not look at what I did, so ... my negativity won't congeal into it? Or was it not the time? I don't know. It's crazy!

It's crazy to think that - and yet ... what else could it be?

It might just be in my head. Ignorant to ... "what lurks in the shadows". But either way, it sticks out to me. Looking at the things I've done ... that the meaning I share flows ... as a concrete slab.

And the wind ... it whispers into my ear. "Caution". Confusion. Questions and Uncertainties. What and why? Who knows and who could tell?
Am I dangerous? Could this be real? Am I ... planning on starting a Cult maybe?



Well, lucky for me - there's one thing I know lurks in the shadows. Not only there. It's the will of God - and the Will of God ... is my Ally. And whatever the odds, little by little, inch by inch ... the locks on my prison will be opened.

And ... it's weird. Should this do the trick? Well, sure - if that's how it works.
And yea. I want to stop fantasizing and start living - but ... given what I know, about life and myself, it takes a whole lot more than therapy and cuddling up to the world as we know it. Not to disparage the effort and the good will behind it - but ... I'm here for more. A lot more ... it would seem.

People will start to see the true colors; And I will be compared to Godzilla, a Force of Nature - and the odd thing is, I can believe that! I suppose that is because regardless of the hopelessness and despair that Life has thrust upon me - the Light has maintained itself. Steadily. And whenever the path ended - a new one opened up. And eventually ... one will take me into a better tomorrow.
It has already begun - I'd say.
I mean, I've become somewhat jittery and nervous as of late - more than usual.
Inwardly I resist it of course. I can't deny that so far ... these impressions never amounted to anything. And it's normal that I would try to protect myself from disappointment. And so I've learned to adapt. To play the game - as it were. Though it's not really a game. It's just life.

And yet, before it can change - I suppose there still are some gatekeepers in the way that ... will however fail at stopping this. They might as well try to stop the sun from shining.

But yea - there is ... a part of me that worries that this might be too easy. I mean, living life ... has eventually bestowed some weird masochism upon me - but ... in this instance I like easy. I mean, I would argue that day in and day out we struggle through the days and the nights in hopes for a better tomorrow - that one day we might just wake up ... and be "there". And sure - it has happened - like ... I guess two times in my life so far. Ignoring all the other good mornings I had. And sure - that was ... not the end of it. Like so, who knows what tomorrow will bring? What struggles we yet have to go through?

Like ... yea, by the way: It's she/her - and no ... people aren't doing us any favors by referring to us by our GABs.
If you think that that sounds bitchy, try listening to these folks from our perspective!
Oh yea - right. You in that case can't relate because you don't have the life-long trauma that gets triggered each time ... . Maybe you can ask for it though! Or ... something.

Talking about the obvious ... I guess.



But yea. Though what I have done so far should be enough ... I'm obviously not done yet. Sortof. And obviously ... well, give or take, I'm not really sure whether just ... demanding things like so and so ... does anything. I mean, I suppose it does - even if ... there's probably more nuance to it. But, that aside ... I think what really gets things rolling, are the lasting things. Things that ... make sense in the day to day life ... basically.

And so I was thinking of ... some kind of ... 'Reader's Blessing'. But somehow I can't think of anything.

I mean, people just have to know, that what I have to 'offer' is legit. And so it shall be. Because quite frankly: Though I can understand the skepticism, at some point it's just ridiculous. I mean, I sit here ... I certainly know the one or the other thing ... speaking of the Matrix Phenomenon ... and yet nobody would come to check on it. And why is that? Bla and bla. OK, worse case scenario: Nobody knows. And sure "the problem is choice". But ... really?

I mean, I keep watching this Matrix stuff - and sure, maybe I'm biased - but usually, I can't convince myself for long that there's nothing. That it's just ... I don't know what people would tell themselves. I ... don't think ... that it's normal!

I wonder. Sure, God CAN break the algorithm. Or whatever it is. And I don't really know how He wants to operate, ... ahw, anyway. That's ... not going to be a problem. I'm sure.
But ... I just noticed ... I may have to tweak the blessing on the Karmic Positives a little. For, I kinda don't like handing weapons to my enemy. And I don't wanna be a self-indulgent mistress facilitating more of this war between good and evil kind of nonsense. No, I'm here to make the good side win. And so I'll say: The positives that people will be able to manifest from the Karmic Positives, will backfire on those that did so with malicious intent. Less so against those who will learn from the experience - and more so against those that try not to.

Because for now, that's how Karma is supposed to work.

And yea ... that's it for now I think.
Happy Eastern!

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To be continued?