An end to the Terror

Well - I know I might appear, or have seemed, to be delusional. To myself at least ... I can't help but feel that way sometimes. It might seem shocking to some, but I also feel like it's the first thing - or one of them - that people would figure out themselves about me ... that ... being at this whole thing alone for so long ... does inevitably lead to some issues of that kind. Starting with a certain compulsive disorder to boot - and subsequent tunnelvisioning - have been integral to my experience. Self-neglect followed - while I sure didn't have much of a supporting cast to go with.

If I had to lean deeper into it, so I reckon now, I will have to put off the "nice and reasonable" gloves for a few moments - I figure - because I don't really know how to ... be that ... there. I mean, "it" is like ... emotions I guess. Experiences of ... some vague non-deliberate seemingly incontextual ... kind or origin or whatever ... that somehow occupy my reasoning due to whatever it is that I perceive.

So - I guess we can do "nice and reasonable", up to a point at least, by calling "it" our sixth sense. A.k.a. feeling ... of the emotional kind. Though probably it's more than just that - so, more like "spirit senses"? - a.k.a. ... "para sensual" ... stuff. We might say. I guess.

And ... I guess from a therapeutic perspective ... I'd start with this indeterminable impression ... as to whether anyone even cares. But then ... I've figured that in a sense ... I'm like a faxing machine. I just go brr ... and don't question the why's and how's.
Worse case scenario ... for me ... is that I only learn and grow by it.

But well ... nice and reasonable is also a bit of a drag sometimes. Like ... something is there ... and while I'm unable to talk about it within reason ... it might as well not be there. And sure, I suppose - if we can't talk about it ... it's all just puff and smoke ... at least to everyone ... who can't or won't divert a lot of reason towards it.

It would help to find the right language to speak of those things, but then again ... how to come to coherent terms of the invisible?

How I feel is my issue - and we've all been let known that there is a bunch of peope out there who do not ... care about such things. They care about "Law and Order" - or what to call it. Well ... I guess we can call it Terror.


It's however not that simple with this Terror that I want to write about here. There's a bit of a cycle I'm going through ... like ... over and over again. Or have been. I'll do my thing, do what I think is good, start to feel like I accomplished something - and then all of a sudden it goes away; And the whole story starts over again. Now someone figured it out, now someone cares to look into what I did, now the word is spreading ... . And I can't help but feel like I'm asked to believe in something that isn't real.

Asking for what context might be producing this cycle - well. In the simplest, it is me finding it more comfortable to believe that I'm reaching someone. That belief mingles with assumptions which then again extend into an understanding - and then when something contradicts that, depression kicks in. Eventually it's roughly the same thing. I see things, I try to understand them - that leads to assumptions - and those eventually disagree with the others.

And that is certainly part of what is happening. But ... belief and understanding isn't all there is. I'm not sure how to call "it". It's a vibe ... a flair ... and - in a way I think it might be like a spiritual fingerprint. Like ... how this "residual rest-self image" or what it's called again ... in the Matrix movies ... is generated. Or from what. So, a primal form of expression that ... might as well be exhaust fumes. Or the sparkling of our growing mind. Or - if it isn't growing - however it "emanates". So, yea - our personality ... in a sense. Though, so ... the "personality" is the hard part ... sortof ... as of our being ... as ... a given configuration of stuff. Thoughts, patterns, riffles, dents ... . That which ... "leaves the print" as it were. So, yea ... Aura might be a word by which we could recognize it.
And so, for a while, I felt like people were stealing mine away. Leaching on it. Like I was some ... plant ... growing fruit. I'd be watered to produce some fruit - and then someone would come in to pluck it. And maybe it's also a filter. Like, once bereft of myself ... again ... I'd find myself in that dump ... again. Met ... in "my heart" ... with skepticism, doubt, conspiracy ... and again - as I would just for my own's sake - would need to rise above it.

It used to be a lot more ... traumatic for me ... . Like, it hasn't always been that way. So there was a first time ... and then eventually it had happened enough so I started to recognize it. Then eventually it had happened and some ... "dream tech" kicked in that ... to maintain the plant allegory: Gave me some thorns. And I call it dream tech, because I dreamed of something once. And ... two elements thereof have stuck in my mind, somehow responding to me thinking of them. I mean, once you're getting into the 11th and 12th ... you'll have to deal with this kind of stuff too. Well - I guess ... it's the 12th rather. I haven't really had the chance to corroborate these things - so - take it with a grain of salt.
And ... I never knew what they were for. What they'd do. But one of them so became some kind of virus ... I would think ... and for a while it worked, though I guess they found a work-around - sortof - though most of what any of that would mean in detail or specific is a lot of beyond me right now.

And ... I really don't - or didn't - like this topic, because ... it sucks, it is - or used to be - traumatizing. It made me feel weak, exposed, powerless ... as all I could tell would be about how I'm getting owned. That at least would be the game that's being played. We know ... "them". Sortof.

It's like ... the modus operandi of this world - even in a time where we thought we'd have gotten over it. Or, well. That's perhaps the more accurate description ... for why I have to think about:


So - I would call that: Fascism. Though ... I think what throws people off, is that it would seem like it has now risen a second time. So, that Hitler would have been that resurrection of the Beast ... though the liberal spirit didn't really set in and take over after. Up unto then it was like a battle ... for who would reign ... and the beast won. Then it got slain ... and now it's on the up again. At least ... that'd be my understanding at this point.

And yea. So, at this instant ... I grew a little bit. So ... in terms of fruit. I feel like I was being awesome, sotospeak. Me being me, me doing my thing - me feeling accomplished - so ... accumulating identity.

But ... hmm ... . So, the workaround to the virus could have been ... that rather than just exploiting me and mine ... they worked on making me give it up in the subconscious. Really ... insidious stuff. Part of it would involve ... making me feel like they made you feel - perhaps by actually making you feel - like I couldn't even count to ten. Or that ... although my name is written in the books ... as their author ... I couldn't possibly be ... their author or the person referred to by that. On the other hand ... and that's somehow unrelated ... I'm under the impression that people get a woefully wrong impression from me, well - I suppose for once because my Aura is still ... compromised somehow. So, rather than me feeling like I should feel ... within other people's "subconscious impression" - they'd fill me up with their baggage. And I'm pretty sure that it's vile.

And can I blame people for being unable to look past that? Well ... I can lament it. Whether ... it's just weakness or not ... I shouldn't judge. I mean, to be real, I do ... think of myself to be so above and beyond it ... it's hard to tell whether ... it's just cope or not.

And sure - the Diablo IV trailers ... also have me thinking. "Pwease hewp us!" - seems harmless at first ... but if you're getting emotionally compromised ... and let's be real: I have to count on it ... you're a step closer to being recruited into the brainless zombie army of doom.
And how do I feel about the Diablo 4 Lilith? I mean, looks like a fun Toy.

So yea. In all this ... I tend to see things rather black and white. Probably because I only really pay attention to any of it once it bothers me too much to ignore it - which would be the extreme ends of it - and aside of the ordinary stress it's only 'growing' and "the dump".

And it sucks ... . I mean not only is there this huge part of my life that I can't really talk about (as for the most part I wouldn't even recognize it myself) - but on the flipside I also 'learned' ... really ... that people wouldn't ever really see me for who I really am. At least ... while that is still going on. And there's more. This whole ... Fake Aura - I would call it that - thing. It would for instance maintain, that I do have ... means. That I am an accomplished person nobody is to really sympathize with. While in actuality I'm alone - but also deal with it just fine so that people wouldn't "buy it" I assume. I deal with it just fine because I learned that I'm apparently the only one who cares about what I do ... so ... yea. And trying to get others into the boat never really worked out either.


So, I guess ... in a sense ... there is this huge thing going on ... and a part of it is that I have to watch people getting the sympathies ... for rubbing my Aura into people's faces. I would say that I can appreciate that ... if I could ... but for obvious reasons the flattery isn't really ... arriving at me all that well.

But then, for the most part - that's just a fog of smoke in my head ... like ... it's just some drama going on ... while all the rest is going on. But so ... I scream and I scream ... at least metaphorically speaking ... and rather than caring about what actually matters people quibble over nonsense that gets more and more retarded by the day. And yes. I used the R word. Meant with a hard R. Because there is no putting it politely.
And sure - I guess this very instance of writing could lead down one of those paths. I mean, I've meant to write about it, but then again ... meh ..., and so far at least it hasn't become much of a dogpile ... while there still are more than enough "who's the Pedo" accusations floating around anyway. But well ... something something ... easily offended people something something hardly substantiated.
But for the record: What I meant by retarded here is far beyond ... what I would slap on people with unfortunate mental background.

I mean ... so ... I suppose we say it as: "what makes the world spin" - to refer to the things we do, that fill our lives on a daily basis. And in that sense I'd say that a new woke has arrived - which is, to wake up to how nonsensical that which makes the world spin has become these days. That is ... somewhere adjacent to the terror I mean to write about here.

In all that, I keep blaming myself. That ... because I can't help but feel responsible. I mean, I feel ... and probably it's more complicated ... like I'm ... connected. Like ... I'm deeply interwoven with the ETP stuff - and the worse of me just comes out and takes hold in people. Though, it's probably more like the other way around ... because on the other hand I had to learn that people really don't do as I would like them to.

Buuut ... I really would like there to be less nonsense to be worried about.


Anyhow - ... . I suppose, this concludes part 1. I have to ... get ready for bed. Because ... I do sleep ... and ... have ... some kind of a real life to juggle. And ... generally ... things being out there ... it kinda helps me process.


To be continued ...