An end to the Terror - part 5

Time passes by - and I suppose it also passes us by sometimes, or we pass it by ... uhm ...

And while, had I started to write this yesterday, I had basically made this all about my stupid face, today ... well ... I don't know.


Eventually, for starters, this - you may realize - isn't going to be THE end. And with that said ... this also kind of escaped the "Spirit Wars" hell. Though this kind of Spirit War isn't that other kind of Spirit War - it does ... . There's a similarity. But rather than me sitting there, "meditating" - I'm writing, to ... what might be ... pretty much the same end. Sort of.

But on the other hand side ... the thing is, that whatever problems exist now that could or are or will be resolved before ... uh ... "things go live" ... they won't really matter afterwards anymore. Naturally because there isn't a public understanding of what's going on. And all we'd have were legends of how it used to be.

And then, ... the thing is, that I don't even know what that is. It's all but one large, convoluted webbing of hypotheticals to which there is a vague sense of actuality.
That actuality is further ... coated in this struggle - another convoluted, well - depending on whom you listen to, spinning the narrative, webbing of hypotheticals that do however have a more concrete consequence. It's ... we might say, at least from my perspective, social bullying. I mean, I would say that it is about me in as far as I also think that "they" avoid me like the Plague. Naturally so I won't have even the slighest semblance of what one might call a platform. A platform on which that clash ... would or could become real.

So is there another, sortof "Spirit Wars" angle to it - in that ... I'm not really responding to anyone. I'm more like ... just shadow boxing ... implying that there is some great evil that I'm fighting. And sure enough, at least in my head it is so - and whether or not I'm losing to my inner demons ... would very well have a real consequence ... at least for me.


So I keep wondering, as to whether or not I'm just too scared ... to step out into the real world and ... "do my thing". But I find that Isaiah 42:1-4... makes a good case for me ... sticking to the way I know. And while Isaiah 43:2 might be taken as opposed to that, it still works for me to tell myself that things are going to be alright.
The thing just is, that I have happened to cry and had my voice heard in the street and certainly broken the one or the other bruised reed. So, depending on how literally we are to take this ...

The thing though is ... I had a phase where I sought to exercise my faith by actions. And while those journeys were quite educational ... I just never quite saw ... a way. Or ... the stars didn't align for me to see it. Or so, the doors to open. Or the opened doors to be accessible. And since then ... I've grown more and more complacent with my situation ... and eventually began to appreciate the time and space ... to think and ... rethink and ... all that. So much then, that it became ... what I did. And trying something else ... started to feel like I was panicking. Starting with the Matrix Phenomenon (2014) I then had a first ... somewhat tangible "thing" that had come from this ... relative peace of mine ... and it also never quite made sense to me, that I might approach someone and tell them about it. I mean, from getting someone to basically look at me doing it to getting them to listen to what I believe it meant ... it always felt like it was too complicated and too ... flimsy. Indirect. And maybe that was just by the spirit implying that ... it's not how this was supposed to go; And therefore ... not how it'd be happening. Like ... sure ... if God wanted ... it could work out like that. I assume.

And so ... the story, if it goes as it goes, is that I've settled on a thing, to become ... somewhat good at it ... and eventually that's what'll save the day. Which totally falls in line with some of the things I learned. Like so ... this idea that I should get myself out there ... and be more pro-active ... and how it feels to me like I'm panicking ... I guess the simplest way to put it is: It is what I understand to be psychotic. Now, I'm not saying that this is what "shrinks" told me - but what I arrived at after being confronted with the matter, more concretely dealing with my situation between sanity and insanity.

And there's a lot in there, actually. And I suppose that on the surface it also goes a lot of what this world seems to require of us. To ... put ourselves out there. To apply ourselves. To ... do the ellbow thingy. To ... fight for what we believe in. Stuff like that. But ... what am I then looking for? A) I'm looking to accumulate a following of my own, or B) find where 'they' have their followings and challenge them there on the spot. And neither is a thing I have a handle on. I mean, I would think of a specific person perhaps ... say ... Jennifer Lopez maybe ... and think to convince them for a start. But other than that ... I'm clueless.
I've tried a lot - and am under the impression that whenever I managed to accumulate some attention that way, I also ... totally dropped the ball. Most likely because I wasn't in a good space ... mentally ... for what I was trying to do. Nowadays it would be different - as I'm a lot more at peace with myself and also have a much better understanding of the message I want to share - but as a part of that I can't get over the fact that for it to be real, I must also rely on God to do His part to the thing. One aspect thereof is that I try not to panic, as it were; And should that be a misunderstanding on my part - I require God to get me out of it. Which sounds ... like ... the opposite of what I tried to tell you at some point in my book.

So, if I got myself out there - I'd give God the chance to play into my hands. And to that end, I'd have to flip my assumptions of how the world works. From being utterly pessimistic to being at least somewhat optimistic.

So, sure. I'm a little scared. Somewhat cowardly. At least ... within that particular framework. I have set up my own ... framework of sanity ... we might say ... and within that ... I'm utterly confident. And with that, we have ourselves a little bit of a struggle of frameworks.
As ... for what the dominant narrative is going to be.

So, having said "there's a lot in there", actually ... I mean it. But ... yea, so there's this thing in my book that I also have to address then. But, first of all ... I'm not being stubborn. I'm not denying the obvious evidence or am actively leaning against something God is trying to show me. Rather am I exposed to things that disrupt my beliefs, get me anxious and insecure and based on that start to worry that my actions were insufficient. That is why I feel like I'm panicking when ... thinking that that's the way.
It's ... yea ... kinda like the story of Elijah. So, to frame that story rightly for this, the situation is this: The lands are ruled by an evil King; And Elijah was chosen to oppose his reign. But rather than getting himself out there fighting - he hid in the wilderness where the animals brought him food ... for, was it years? ... until it was time for him to move out and challenge the status quo.

And similarly did I get nourished so far ... but rather than being physically nourished - as to survive while staying hidden ... it were my habits that got nourished. Sure I can't say for certain that this is "what it's going to be like" - BUT ... the big thing is this one: Doing YOUR thing versus doing the bidding of others.
This is the core message here ... as for the "lot" that is in "there" - saying that when it comes to Clarity and Individuality - it is better to focus on that, rather than becoming profficient in being lost in the chaos of this world - or how to put it.
Well ... . It may still seem counter intuitive. After all - I do have to at least get the ball rolling - as it were, so for anything I do here to mean anything. Naturally. If nobody knows of me - there isn't much of a point to anything that depends on people knowing of me. But so I tend to think of: "When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee" - to say ... as for what I've done to get my name out there ... it'll have to suffice. Maybe that'll change ... but ...
I mean ... I always read that "they shall not overflow thee" part as ... relative to what's written in Revelation about the Woman and the Dragon. The Dragon so would send a flood after the Woman, but the flood would go away before it could reach her. So, people trying to get me off the table ... might appear to have accomplished that ... but not really. So, for the time being I assume, I'd put it as: ... that until it's time ... I'm living rent free in people's heads.

Based on that, I tend to think that there's no need for me to put time and effort into things ... that other people could accomplish far more easily. So, if people already know of me ... in a right enough context ... why would I then have to act as though it weren't so?

But at the end of the day there's how I do what I do and how God interacts with it. Eventually always having a calming hand at the ready to ... tell me to chill, basically.

So, concerning what I wrote in the book - and I suppose I should have been clearer on that, although ... it should be somewhat self-explaining - the pivotal factor is what God actually wants from us. The emphasis being on 'actually'.
So - reading that prescription as dogmatic, you'd - as is suggested here - be encouraged to always get yourself out there ... to always do what you think is necessary to get to the end you think is right ... EVEN IF ... God is telling or trying to tell you otherwise. And that's what it actually means or tries to address. So, if you're getting into a mode of your own belief or skepticism - you run at risk of missing the point. Therefore I imply: Gnosis is our own responsibility. To look for God - to understand God - rather than requiring God to brute force us down the right path regardless of whether we see it or not.

And it sure is a bit counter intuitive - in a sense - because ... if timing for instance comes into play ... the thing is that what the plan or the way is changes. Which is another point where dogmatism fails us.

And sure - eventually there's a set of dogma that emerge from that. Such as ... a dogma of adogmaticism ... . At the very least. Which then implies as much that maybe sometimes dogma is OK - or rule of law ... or ... axiomatic thinking - but to get that to be sound and congruent with our lives and the divine - we have to be free to understand what and why.

Which contains another ... paradoxon of sorts. So, what is right - between trusting in God and trusting our own understanding? So - if we don't understand something ... is it more important that we understand, or more important to trust God?
Well ... the simple answer, so far, for me, is this: In as far as God doesn't impose on me - there isn't something for me to trust, as opposed to me trying to understand something. Simple!


On another note: Sometimes time IS ... too short. There are a few things in the book - one I just addressed - that ... fell short, we might say. Another topic that fell too short therein is my idea about "the Press". Which shall serve as another example herein. As for a start, the thing is, that whenever I maybe failed to get further into a thing - like, say, all the concerns that yet remain as to whether or not socialism is possible concerning all the skeptical beliefs that capitalists harbor, I just didn't have the time. Well, what I do spend my time on is ad-hoc correspondence. I sit down and write - at the end of the day I'm done and that's that. If I were to properly address all the things I maybe should ... that could easily take another week on top of that. During that week however I would also find other things to be concerned about ... and to avoid stumbling over my own feet ... that might add another couple of month even, perhaps. And so, sentences take time to write - and so does the formation of understanding take time as well.

So, at the end of the Gospel section in my book, I did more of a politics thing. Outlining what a Gnostic Utopia might entail. Thereby I was internally stressed to mention a couple of things - yet as per ... "the flow" ... of the narrative, I think I couldn't accommodate everything. Things didn't fit in - and I could't wrap my head around how to make them fit. And eventually time moved on ... as of that ... it is what it is.

Since then, I've been pretty busy ... and just now come around ... addressing one of those things. Sure, maybe it can't be compared - as - having my mind off of the book isn't quite the same as going through it over and over - but so in my mind I didn't have the time to go through it more. I understand that growth is constant, and anticipated that one day there would be a few things I could wish to change.
And ... yea ... it also doesn't help all that much, that God could tell me ... or gesture to me ... that this and that won't really ... hold up. That I might regret something. Pivotally right now ... I look through my second book and think that here and there I could have chosen a different image. One stands out in particular ... because at the time it felt like ... I wouldn't like it ... but now I recall, that upon looking for another one, I ... was stopped. So in the sense of: "It's going to be fine!". So, that concerns page 120 - mostly because the colors ... are a bit pale and boring. Maybe even a bit depressing. I also told myself that I'd have to get over the whole thing and ... touch things up a little - as for a final version - but ... it didn't come to that.

And eventually ... because time was of the essence. Like so ... with a day to spare~ish ... we've gotten the Magic of the Book ready for eastern.


But so, that thing with the Press. It's something that doesn't quite fit in anywhere - and yet I think it's important. Like so I could mostly only "gesture" at it - but, it's not even close to ... a hint at that. So, I have originally thought of it back in 2014 - which I suppose was also round about eastern - (wow, 9 years. So long and yet so short) - and since then didn't quite come around making a lot of it. The idea has always been around - yet the more I didn't come to make anything of it - the more it became like, the "high end" of it. As, the dot on the i. And - I once got an F on a dictation because I didn't put those dots onto the i's.
So, there's a lot that goes into a working press - the first thing being the infrastructure around the media it relies on. That generates a co-dependency of sorts - as there is no better way "to keep the (printing) presses running" - and therefore: the craft alive - than a perpetual need for it. And at first, I thereby think of school.

In my model, there first is a primary school. That is ... maybe Kindergarten ... but effectively elementary school - which is to effectively provide basic education and familiarize kids with the world. Beyond that, well. The German Model separates Kids into categories of intelligence, we might say. There are three advanced schools - one lasts until grade 9, one to grade 10 and the other to grade 13 - and the basic idea would be that depending on how well you did in elementary, there's a different demand one can be expected to live up to. As for the "High School" model I think the intention is more one of separating the pubescent children from the pre-pubescent ones - as with College once more to separate the achievers from the ... drop-outs, give or take. And neither ... is really good!

I guess we get, that puberty does something to our psyche. Generally I think we'd associate that to sexuality - but - I think it's fair to assume that there's more to that. Like ego. And yea, sexuality and ego are somewhat linked. As per the 13 seals we may assume that there's a development unto independence - implied therein is a personal drive. With it we have to consider personality. That sure is a concern when it comes to sexual orientation and gender - but - that also is just a fragment thereof. And being able to deal with ego and personality in the right way, will have us basically deal with orientation and gender properly as well. Or so ... we can't speak properly of the one without the other. At least in as far as ... the story concerning the one overlaps with the story concerning the other.

So, what I witnessed and in part experienced going through "high school" and on is, ... well ... echoed in a lot of opinion surrounding matters of education and school. Often it is mocked at merely being a drill to get us to comply with society - and yea ... but ... that is an inevitable byproduct of ... living ... in a society. As it were.
The problems that this society has however won't go away by merely blaming schools for existing - because ... they do exist for a good reason.
But, generally speaking, the issue is, that while some desire to learn, others want to explore the world. And at the basis of my proposal I like to argue, that we are given to little time and opportunity to do the latter before being asked to settle on what we want to be. Also - built upon that argument - I like to argue that we are given too little guidance and aid when it comes to exploring and developing our talents, while we are expected to perform within certain imposed margins.
Now, it seems legit to impose, that those margins exist for a good reason. They test our ability to live up to the pressures imposed upon us, but life should tell us that dealing with pressure isn't the only way. So do some people thrive more so without it. Or ... at least ... with a different kind of pressure.

So, I don't know anymore what I called it - but starting with this "higher school" - we should be more open to all sorts of different ways to deal with life. It might take some time before we get it down; Though generally we'd have a dense curriculum on one side - and there we eventually get to university.
One philosophy I regard here, is that we never stop learning; And that we should maintain that we might find interest to learn at any point in our lives. Thus rather than graduating from a specific school, we should think of achieving grades of proficiency with certain subjects. University then were the place, where we deal with advanced matters - duh - and the backbone of it all would be guilds.

That relationship, between education and guilds, would start in Primary School - as generally the general "out" of school and "into" practical stuff. So, depending on complexity - there's an easy way in - and with the individual complexity of a thing - also ways on. One aspect thereto is Chemistry. Now in the digital age things have changed slightly - as ... we don't really do much analogue photography anymore - and with the decline of print-media there's also less of a demand for high quality papers ... let's say ... but all in all there's Chemistry and what it adds to various crafts.
This complexity can barely be ... respected properly in an esoteric writing ... other than by respecting the passage of time and the changes it brings. And so are there no dogmatic systems that can be formulated - give or take - without respecting pragmaticism and practicality.

What that means for the Press, to me, is that it would be something kids might find interest in - along the various stages of what crafts are involved - and we might at that point regard it as a hobby that has the extended benefit of bringing us closer together. Though when it comes to political motion we'd have to be more deliberate, if say ... the press is a societie's senses - we may acknowledge that we use them for more than just politics.
At some point then ... we come to secrets. Top Secrets, as it were. And the perplexing reality of things done in secret, eventually with tax money, that most people wouldn't agree with. And maybe people would agree with it - but there's a bit of a chasm we need to cross. So ... "not all secret bad" ... is a fact. But if we're conditioned to understand, that mostly bad things are kept secret ... there's a bit of a psychotic relationship between society and secrets.
In that scenario - I find it difficult to maintain a "not all secrets bad" position, as the more urgent stance is the "not all secrets good" one. At the heart of it, I'd however propose that we cozy up to the press as ... basically the meat of society. Sortof. I mean, for critical stuff we'd have more of an actual nervous system - but for obvious reasons it'd be good to have the Press be involved in that. Whatever my point is - it only really works out if we can develop trust in the good of us - rather than defaulting to the bad in each other.

I mean - the latter is what I think has people cast hope into the development of A.I. - and others again ... doubt into the same. The rationale at the bottom of it is - that everything we want to be done in society - at the end of the day - needs to be done by someone. And ever so often - we need agreements at the bottom of it. And in a world governed by paranoia where everyone distrusts everyone else - there can barely be any agreements; And respectively not much could be done. At all. Everyone would be pointing fingers at someone else - to veryone crying out in dismay: "can we please ...!? It can't be that hard!"


Within - or alongside - all that there certainly is a lot that I missed out on, here and there - but the books I've published so far are meant as a starter - with the rest ... I mean ... I can, at this point, being matters of conditioning. What society is - and in which way it is at odds with being the best it can be.

And the Terror would be the forces that are benefactors of that chaos. Or society's inadequacies. Primarily I think of it as also a phantom menace. Should anyone be curious of what I'm upset about or am trying to accomplish as to why I have to bring God into things or ... why we can't just get along regardless ... or whatever principle or argument or belief or mental model or moral high ground one might use to deflect from what I try to get accross. So, a Spirit War - over who gets to dictate the narrative.

And if all I can do is write - I lack the flexibility to properly deal with ... well ... the world spinning entirely on its own. But, I suppose, it's not impossible - because - the unchanging truths ... remain.


Peace and Out!