"Scorched Earth"

So - I'm sitting there thinking that the Future is mine ... and then the -_- set's in as I recognize that what I'm looking at is basically a burning planet filled ~probably~ with maniacs.

On the other hand, -this- part of my life never felt as real to me as it did yesterday ... and realized that I yet have a hard time getting it into my head. I mean, in terms of how far I've been leaning out the window ... I've also somehow played myself into a corner - it would seem. Like ... an all or nothing type of situation.
But so I was thinking ... if I only were "the prophet" - I'm not sure if things were that much better.

Now, I don't know if I'm maybe ... I'm asking for too much ontop of being maybe too used to things being free.

I do sure hope that I'm not too careless - as I certainly take care to be careful - but I sure also understand that I have a certain tendency towards reckless behavior. But a game of Street Fighter also doesn't really compare to real life - depending on how one were to look at it - and I get that sometimes it is a position of risk-taking from which new options emerge; So that at times it is the more careful option.

And yea, that's what I'm doing. I'm getting myself out there - sort of. And it sure is weird that this is my way of ... showing myself ... but ... there isn't much I can do right now. Well, I ... thought of changing that. To get some distance to try and re-evaluate ... hmm ... :/ ... .

But ... at first I think we need a term for "that". At some point at least. I suppose at first we'd call it "being out of one's own comfort zone". I however can be really far outside of my comfort zone and be decently confident about myself and stuff. So is there an outer "comfort" zone of sorts, which is where matters just start to get vague. A little bit like going out of bounds. And that point one is still somehow engaged around a few issues or concepts or whatever that have somehow been established as the current point of concern - eventually one can still find reason by maintaining these ideas or concerns - but outside of that most of what happens is guess-work.
And that's not even necessarily a matter of discussing wild "far out there" topics. So can the mind's subconscious for instance resist - and kick one out of bounds, so-to-speak.

Now, what I'm doing when I lean out the window, at least in certain instances - is to take steps towards my ... internal reality. And if that now exposes me in a way that I should feel ashamed of - yea, that might be the point. The point is that my internal reality is a relevant part of my existence. It is something I might try to hide away - but nonetheless carry around with myself. It is a little bit like being trans prior to coming out/starting transition. And ... my idea is that it's difficult to "reality check" the internal reality. And I'd argue that it needs that - for it isn't automatically real. Or - what we otherwise make of it isn't necessarily good or right by any stretch.
So yea, coming out is like that. And it might take someone out-of-bounds, entering a position that is inherently one of risks - but so still one from which all the meaningful options emerge that a trans person has.

So is a reality check not the only thing that matters. I mean, a trans person - by the time of coming out - probably already has all the security it needs to know it's real. But sure, for the sake of argument, it's a reality check - based on which a person can better separate fact from fiction. And I'd say that impostor syndrome comes up, as the individual doesn't have much of an identity within that new position. Maybe they assumed it - but now being there yields a slightly different perspective. But because the person also doesn't have an identity to return to - what sets in is a kind of ... new type of estrangement.

These are however also not things I think make easy sense to a cis/het person. I mean, they can understand it from the description, but I don't think these things make or made intuitive sense to anyone at first.

I mean - when it comes to descriptions, there are right and wrong ways of doing so. But whether or not they get conceived in the intended way, is sometimes yet again an entirely different story. Is gender a social construct? I'd argue that this description is flawed - or at least un-objective - whereby 'objectivity' comes as a matter of understanding the components and the relations between them, that do in the end amount to the appearances - the symptoms - that conform with the description.
And though gender is in deed socially constructed - it yet emerges from deeper truths of mind and body.

So do I persistently identify as a Goddess. And sure, it may be understood as a weird take on the Attack Helicopter joke - and thus I, to maybe nobodies surprise, would also move on to take the Attack Helicopter joke more serious than probably anyone on either side of the issue - appearing a bit like an enormous troll.

I'd so argue that anyone can identify as anything - what matters then is how serious one is about it. Trans people for instance are like ... dead serious. People jokingly "identifying" as an Attack Helicopter ... not even a bit. When I Identify as an Entrapid Class Starship ... I'm not entirely unserious - though I certainly wouldn't insist on people putting "USS" before my name.

So can seriousness be measured - in a way - by looking at what steps one is taking to be taken seriously. And ... I'll say ... that the "gender is a social construct" take is just a little bit short of the ultimate level of seriousness.
It should for social reasons however be good enough, in a sense.
It at least is right there with social transitioning and hormone replacement theory - at which point I think it's good enough for sports. The issue, by the way, being that ... the advantage a trans-woman has upon a cis-woman depends on the advantage they had prior to transition, relative to the average they attempt to compete against. It's not all that complicated.

Now, seriousness is hereby however also just an indirect metric. What matters are the reasons that produce this seriousness. So is gender dysphoria an widely regarded term.

Now do I not really get dysphoria from being regarded human - but in order to be properly in tune with my internal reality, I have to regard myself as Queen at the least. Eventually that's however also just circumstantially true - and the way I regard myself; Or how I'm regarded socially - determines ... whether I exist in a position of "higher" well being, or one from which I may just occasionally partake of that higher well-being. The graph would look similar to the one on the left there.


Now, when we - or people at large - say "Trans Rights are Human Rights" - I don't think it right away speaks to my ... extended case. And there are reasons. I for instance found it interesting to look at this in concerns of what esoteric stuff might be going on. So I'd think that there are factors in play, reasons, to endorse this statement - and upon further research it can come to make more sense. Thereby mantras such as "Live and Let Live" are a major factor - but apparently there are also factors in place that prevent people from linking the two statements up 'properly'. Maybe a feeling that Trans people are "yucky". Or the belief that it is a lifestyle chose that is now getting imposed upon children.

And yea - my extended case is somewhat like the Attack Helicopter joke - and so, Attack Helicopters aren't (I think) a protected class.

Now, if I could turn into an Attack Helicopter - it would be different; And whether or not I'd suffer discrimination from that ... I don't think is a good question right now.

However - well. Not accepting me as Queen or Goddess isn't transphobic. But ... it can be informed from a position of transphobia. I mean, it is one thing if you find my claims absurd or not well enough established or whatever; And another to say that I can't be either or because I'm ... trans ... a.k.a. "not a ....".


What matters hereby also is effectively 'how serious I CAN be' - in a sense of ... let's call it "peaceful realism". Suffering Gender Dysphoria is on the far end of being basically - or at all - incapable of 'peaceful realism' pertaining to the gender assigned at birth. And yet it is also a bit of stress to find a position of 'peaceful realism' in being serious about their gender - and that mostly due to social stresses and the like.
But ... yet ... suffering gender dysphoria is a really strong source towards being serious about one's gender identity. Identifying as a Starship is something I can try to be as serious about as I am about my gender - but in as far as I can't even hope to realistically live up to any quality of a Starship ... my 'peaceful realism' relating to it dwindles in favor of living my life not being a Starship.
That, and ... the occasional satisfaction from not actually being a Vessel floating in outer space.
And stuff.

When it now comes to being the Queen or the Goddess - the situation is however slightly different. So at first when we talk about me being the or a Prophet - the situation is that strictly speaking ... all that I can say as a Prophet, is that God called me John. We can talk about the circumstances of that, I wrote of it, take it as you will - I'll just say that it was God calling me that. And that then fulfills my duty as a Prophet. A duty that is small - in that here too the concept of 'peaceful realism' can be applied to basically determine my "prophetic magnitude". So, I was high, I felt like dying - so - my understanding of who talked to me there ... isn't all that large. Similarly when it comes to visions. I mean, I refuse to straight up call them (those I have) 'visions' - as they wouldn't even make for good hallucinations. I mean, when I think about ... like ... 'proper' visions, I'd expect something ... full surround, 3D, dimensional rift like ... lucid experience.
So, in that sense - I'm a prophet ... maybe.
Then, implying that I'm a prophet ... all one can take from that is that I'm probably John - and which John ... would be like the next question. God wasn't clear about that, to me - though by my accounts, I'm John the Beloved. So ... at best ... based on more or less strenuous reasoning, I'm an Apostle.
At first at least it's ... a little bit strenuous. I can however further consolidate that - in terms that are independent from which John exactly I happen to be. Apostle so is a term that was used for ... I guess ... shipment lists. So, Inventory. To say that as an Apostle I speak of God rooted in personal experience. The lived Gospel - per chance. Now, in as far as that isn't revelation - and as such not necessarily "Timeless", as it were - the individual is to interact with my message on more intellectual grounds. Which is however certainly ... 'as intended'.

But so, because my understanding of the Gospel and God's Will might not be verifiable - there are yet a few minus points on the whole Apostle thing - and since my Apostolic message at some point entails that I'm Royalty and partially Divine - that may or may not reduce the score a little bit further.

Though, here again - I think I can score with independent matters. But all that aside - at the end me being properly THE Queen, would effectively be of greater significance than me being merely a speaker for God. Though, sure, there's room for discussions that could be had.


Discussions of Logic and Reason - that may be challenged by the matters of fact that one can call upon to contribute towards a conclusion.


So ... yes. One key factor here is faith. It may be a turn off for some people - but ... it's also not really what I mean to write about here. I mean, it's a bigger topic that ... exists. And that it exists as something somewhat relevant ... may be regarded as some plus points - enough at least to somehow ... make it a thing.

Enough, furthermore, to shed light on the things I'm sharing - so on and so forth.

But all that aside - I'm here for now however concerned of my internal reality.
And what I need to check about it is ... like, it ... probably isn't special or of any significance ... that one might be alright with living in wealth, receiving attention, being catered to and things like that. And so I'm wondering whether or not it is right or good or reasonable of me ... to lean into those ... at least perceived possibilities.


I would think, however, that a certain amount of these things would help me feel comfortable in my conceived role as Queen and Goddess - which would also take me a bit closer to feeling like a Starship. And my internal reality suggests that there is ... an intersection between what wealth can provide and what my life ought to be, though wealth isn't necessarily ... what it boils down to. I mean, if society collapsed and we returned to living in caves - there would still be a way of how I'd expect to live based on that internal reality - versus a way of how I might live "regardless".

And sure - that is ... without much weight. At all. There is no 'right' ... in, well, "identifying as Rich" as it were. Regardless of how serious one were about that. Though it sure can be respected - it does eventually take us back into either Capitalism or Socialism, depending on how we want to approach the matter of ... well ... everyone's right in being wealthy.

What I so can however do - or try to do - is to lean into my Identity as Goddess - and see ... where it takes me. And like so, I'm basically back to where this started. Not really much wiser ... but still a few steps further (in due diligence).


And that's that.