A new Chapter - Interlude

So, my Rehab is over - and in 4 weeks I'm more or less back to school - while next week or so I'm moving.

I've written some stuff - and I'll try to append it to this or something ... but more concerning to me is that I've been feeling somewhat off lately.

There's an odd feeling - one I haven't had in a long time. It feels like ... a bubble, or a void, forming in my body - making me feel somewhat incomplete or lacking in ... something. Not sure if it's something particular. It also feels like defeat or inadequacy. I suppose it's something that comes and goes - at least, I don't know what to make of it right now.

But, just generally ... I also feel like I'm losing track. Like I'm not doing enough or focusing on the wrong things. But likewise - I also feel like ... this isn't really cutting it anymore. I mean ... it's like, I can't keep up with my thoughts anymore - or also, ... I mean, let's leave it at that. Good enough.

Meditation doesn't cut it either. It seems. Also, my mind is jumpy. The frequency with which thoughts enter my mind to then just abruptly vanish - has increased.

Well - now that Rehab is over, I've tried to contemplate about what I accomplished - how things were, how they are now - and it is now, for the time being, that I feel like ... I don't know what to do with my time. Or so, those 4 weeks I have available now. Well, minus a day now. And that's similar to my situation back when Rehab started. So, I was glad to be there - and yet, during those 1 1/2 years, it wasn't like I was able to fully focus on it. I did my thing - still. Tried to deal with whatever might come to my mind while also being committed to a regular schedule. And yea, sometimes that worked alright, other times not so much. But I think ... overall ... I did alright. I took my fair share of liberties - without compromising the Rehabilitation - though as for the school/apprenticeship (though at first it's just a trial to see whether I can handle it) ahead ... I won't have that much liberties of that kind anymore.

It seems like my mind is burdened with things I might add to this - but am entirely unmotivated to even think about giving any of it the light of day.

It's like - stuff closed away behind a barrier. Perhaps the same barrier that withdraws those thoughts from my mind; Those that just vanish.

The weird thing is, that it almost seems like an entirely parallel life is contained therein. Like, eventually I'd drift off into thoughts and it feels familiar and relevant and meaningful and stuff - but then I ... like ... snap out of it, or wake up - as rattled by a shake - and poof - whatever went through my mind there's gone. What remains is that odd feeling; And an inability to recall what I was thinking of just a moment prior.

Well. Maybe that's stuff for a future therapy - or it'll just come to me when the time is ripe. I don't know.

And yea. I guess for what matters here - there isn't much of a need for going much into depth with any of it. But so that just adds to the pile of ... things I'll have to figure out and while I'm focused on sharing I might not get around to it. But ... maybe there's just a few missing pieces that need to fall into position first.

[earlier today/yesterday]

~Lube vs. Sand~

Lubricant is not necessary for a LOT of pleasantries in life. However, for some pleasantries it is - at least to the degree it can improve these experiences; As maybe lifting it up into comfortable margins.

In my "brain", there live ... like ... two minds. Well, technically it's probably more than that. I mean ... maybe/probably some of you have caught up to it - or could or may have - that our mind's Flux and Moods seem to be connected in that ... as things fluctuate, different combinations of aspects of our minds are being active from time to time; And sometimes that works for the better and other times for the worse. But then, maybe, we tend to abstract.
To me so there's a normal. That being just me without anything special going on. Like - when ... saying "be yourself", it doesn't mean to be something special or to try and be good at what you ought to be good at or do what you ought to enjoy - or do - but to just be, perhaps, without anything going on ... existing. To let go in a sense. To just be. Though eventually that may trigger impulses, modi of self-control, direction and stuff - opening the question for ... what now? ... . Well, I figure those are just pathways. Like water being Level ... things will seek to settle in a state of comfort. And maybe if you're in unrest - there is a lack of awareness of what your depths are - but, whatever.
Maybe however you're just used to doing ... things.

Matters of Discipline

Sidenote: Some of the things mentioned here are things that entered my mind as uttered by someone else. I came to think of these impressions as glimpses of a possible or desirable future - to which one missing part were the present of the presented thoughts.

At occasions I described myself as a boy locked up inside of a female shell. Though I did describe it that way; I however ignored it. That is ... whatever the reality behind that image was or is - I didn't really care. Mostly because I didn't really want to deal with it. And so the odd part, that this behavior is exactly what this prison would come down to. So, rather than being upheld by God - it is just a part of me ... that is so. And how it gets to be there and stuff ... well, not my concern now.
Yet, recently I came around to - more and more - recognize myself as "boy brained". So, I found it to be inevitable to acknowledge that - and this time in a more ... "in touch with reality" kind of way, as opposed to ... Clarity stuff. Now, this boy brain sits there and plays Videogames, essentially. So, as per the Flux and active components of the mind and abstractions that emerge between those - my affinities for gaming "and stuff" they sit right there, as ... we might say ... held together by the positive aspects of my childhood/growing up.
And sure: With it come some "incel-esque" properties - or rather, well, really just "Nerd+Loser" type stuff. So, while I recall that I always got along better with girls - the emergence of romantic interests just ... took things into a blender. So was I attracted to Girls ... but my hormonal configuration probably threw a wrench into that particular awakening.
But yea, I don't think I'm the only Lesbo that's like ... that.

Outside of that then is my female brain. Naturally. Or, there's nothing wrong with my Clarity. Were it not for that or whatever is a part of it, I suppose I might be a femboy - and depending on where you're coming from, that might be your perception of me. Whether you'd then also like to see it or not.

But so it's difficult for me to "grasp" that femininity or to ... "capture" it - like, if you insisted on boiling things down to their core - once enough layers were removed, all left were my boy brain. But, taken into a different environment ... not so much; Though, some might then go and call that manipulation.

That is in essence why people say that one should not assume someone's gender. Other people's perception of someone can be faulty - or generally: Can never be complete. Maybe other people may be better at seeing things you do not want to see - or things you cannot see due to blind-spots; But, the way "your waters settle" - is nothing any other person can with confidence tell. Maybe. I mean, if God ... such and such.

Recently - or some time ago - something else started to develop. Another abstract; Such as a real counterpart to "boy brain": "Queen Brain". But uhm ...

But yea, not being understood is a real problem. Not being heard an even bigger one - as ... being understood requires one to be heard first.

Understanding then, seems to be difficult to come by. I mean, thinking about matters like conditioning and bias - in the extremes, 'being understood' requires a very particular mental make-up of the other that's just ... far far removed from ~the common sense~.
So - when I say that I like stuff up by butt ... well, sure - at some point that might just be a prostate thing. Or when I tell you that ever so often I feel like just shoving a burger down my throat. There are a lot of statements like that, that people would bring up in support of a thing but ... it doesn't seem to make sense that way.

From the other side, this issue is like ... how certain folks don't like to do certain things because "they're Gay"; And doing them, so they think, also makes them gay. And that may even be true - in the sense that to people that think that way, doing certain things would have then get called 'gay'. At the end of the day however, that kind of 'gay' is just a bunch of things that people think are things that homosexuals do. (And if breathing wasn't necessary ...)

But so, there are a variety of deseases that share symptoms. Like, if you're 'having a headache' - sure, at first, that's the condition, period. But ... 'having a headache' is also the symptom of a variety of things ... and some of them are actually dangerous.

But so is there also an extent to which I can expect to be understood. ...

There is this thing though. I mean, I suppose as for how it matters here - it's more of a problem. At least I imagine it that way. I think: Spiritual Universality is a great term for it. It implies, that all experience is universally relatable. With a caveat: We individually can only mimic them. So, depression eventually is read as mere, momentary sadness. So, more to the point: The extent to which we can relate to "unheld" experiences is shallow.

Our individual depth adds to that, that even "unheld" experience becomes more profound. Conversely: Unheld experiences that don't correlate with our individual depth do not appear to be profound. How could they?

So is there then also the thing of experience chasing; Where now an experience is chased for its intensity - an intensity we cannot create on our own.

So can everyone "relate to" maybe being gay or trans. And the difference to someone who is gay or trans is a matter of their individual depth. Or, more to the point: Someone who isn't gay would have to 'uphold' the perceived alignment, whereby someone who is gay, does have a passive alignment to that experience.

The more you then understand your depth, I'm sure, the more peace you'll have as you lose a need to "dig" into perceived alignments. So, it'll be easier to let go - because you know where it takes you.

But so - we can, I'm sure, learn from this that we have an individual responsibility, to ourselves, to be honest to ourselves and fair to others. Also: there are probably better and worse ways to communicate these things.

So, for me, if I started off ... by how I'm vibing with hentai stuff ... there's a variety of possible truths alongside internal biases and complexities that would implicate a truth other than mine.
But, when I'm just sexual, so - on my own, from a place of neutrality, not watching porn - I find myself in a state of mind similar to that when vibing with the hentai stuff I'm into. Also, while I still had a penis, using it felt wrong unless I imagined me having a vagina (real intercourse and masturbation), translating the stimulation of the shaft into penetration. It ... can be done!
I also know how I get off on anal - which I take as my original form of relating to the passive side of penetrative sex. And what it does to me is crave a reality in which it could be normalized. So, basically just the same as before.

With all that, and more, I feel pretty firm in my assumptions.

[back to now/today]

There was something I had on mind for continuing that, but moods come and go - and so I also removed a part of what I wrote. What made sense before doesn't make sense now - in a way - sure, depending on what I want to share. And it's also like ... that how I go about my life takes me into an entirely different state of mind, versus once I'm writing. So might I have a few ideas or motivations while I go about things - and when I try to write about it, it's ... not even a thing or it eludes me or I can't really relate to it anymore.

Oh yea, I remember ... . As for that reality I want to be a part of - there's the obvious "two sides" part; Which eventually comes in different levels. Some people want to be submerged in it - others want to do the submerging. Thereby some are probably more involved - and others less so.
That then leads to dreams and wishes - ideas, fascinations, obsessions or how to call them - but all that is now also somewhat beside the point.

But - uhm - I'm feeling alone ... again?. Not sure if I ever really did. But not knowing what to do with my time - or feeling like there's this whole life of mine that just eludes me - it makes me feel alone; But also ... restless, angry, desperate ... something along those lines. Like ... something I want to break out of.
And in the meantime - I also feel like I'm evolving. It's weird - because - I don't know if there's anything tangible to it. All I can do is trust ... that my way is taking me somewhere ...

[previously (on Inspiration)]

...

So, I guess it is time again for me to write about things that I have only little/insufficient knowledge about - which, I assume ... is basically how artists make money.

I must wonder therefore, how come that within my own range of 'art that I would like to do', I do have some kind of utter certainty that something must be so and so - and that everything else is just wrong. This I think pertains to a vision - and whether my confidence in it is any good would depend on its quality.

For, at the end of the day it isn't difficult to "have vision" - as, if you watch enough stuff, your brain is probably going to produce a few in and of itself. More or less. Beyond that, one must then only believe in it - given the opportunity to make it count - and ... eventually someone may find themselves willing to spend money on it.
Is that art though?

I myself would argue "no", while I would envision some comical evil empire of sorts that would flood its propaganda machine with talents (the slave workers) and loyalists ("the creative lead") to feed into whatever is to be gained therefrom. The expectation here is on the loyalist to basically use willpower to "manifest destiny" as it were - as on the consumer to be wowed by the fact that there are moving images on the screen "unlike anything ever seen before" or whatever.

It may be difficult, ultimately, to argue that there is no creativity involved - nor a sense of artistry - maybe because the truth is too hard to accept sometimes - maybe not.

Starting off this way, I usually find myself juxtaposing this "art by willpower" with "art by inspiration" - as though it were a matter of good versus evil. And I usually end up doing so by trying to make a point on artistic vision - and find that what 'absurd counter examples' I try to contrast my points with, seems to basically be what the standard is these days. Which were - basically on par with propaganda.
Of some comically evil empire.

Because I also want to avoid revealing any potential ... uh ... secrets ... I end up cutting my efforts short. That wouldn't bother me too much because this initial "willpower" versus "inspiration" argument eventually turns into an "autonomy" versus "subservience" thing - so that I have good reasons to write about that "mythical source" like anyway. And thus my point usually ends up being, that "autonomy" versus "subservience" is a misrepresentation of the matter.

To further fully realize my argumentation, I'd then turn towards my own creative endeavors.

"Art by willpower" versus "art by inspiration" may however also be a misrepresentation of the matter. Well, not the matter itself; But it yet doesn't cut to what I now find to be an underlying reality.

So, what is an 'artist'? Classically, we might say, it is an individual with a given talent that translates into 'the opportunity' to express their '(creative) vision'. So is "willpower" a misnomer regarding the initial concerns - though I still struggle to find a better term. "Uninspiredness"? Untalentedness?

What does, in my opinion, become increasingly important in this - is ones ability to judge the quality of their vision; Or to so understand its potential. That is however how one would turn a potentially bad idea into an actually good one. Because ... well. I came to ponder

about 'Yes or No' Questions for God

Case and point: good ideas work because they work; And while divine inspiration ought to work as a silver bullet against the proverbial Werewolf in this scenario - I believe that there's a case to be had that most tropes and cliches and "best practice" have been inspirations at some point; And yet don't "just work" regardless of other factors.

So is there this 'next level of talent' - we might say - which in terms of inspiration is as a fertile ground for good ideas to grow in.
Though I suppose it isn't always that easy. One may spend days working on an idea, just to then learn why it might not be the best of ideas after all. One problem is that one may not have the ability to properly judge all the given possibilities of a game engine for instance - as it may all eventually just be too vast.

2023.07.21

Star Trek Temporal Logic

So - a point on inspiration. A point for consistency. A point for ... respecting the internal logic of a story, as it were. So, maybe it makes no sense that it makes sense - but yea, that's ... basically ... adjacent to the whole point there.

[back to now]

Would that be an avenue for me?

Either way - to my mind, this topic is adjacent to a whole bunch of troubles. I have with the world. It's like ... maybe ... there just are things that cannot be saved or salvaged. I mean ...

I figure that there are ... or would be ... those that act like my posturing were a bluff. I mean, what can I do? Point out the obvious? Entertain? And so I feel like I'm being taunted into ... "doing stuff" ... stuff that might reveal that I maybe can't actually do anything if "they" just resist. I mean, it's written that those who fight against me will be nowhere to be found. So, that - per chance - might give some people the idea that all they have to do is to keep fighting - and while they do, the prophecy won't be fulfilled. And if you think that; And commit to it - You already lost!

I mean ... "go selfdestruct!". Peace!

I mean ... isn't that's what's happening anyway? Already? For some weird reason? Just bad luck and miscalculation? And that's like ... the funny thing about it. I would think.

I mean, haven't 'we' made a clear point on showcasing what some might call "unfathomable power"? Sure, it doesn't go kaboom and stuff ... and it doesn't hurt - I would assume - to at least imagine how all of that could just be ... explained away or how to put it. But ... at the end of the day ... well, I guess we'll find out!

I mean, I carry this stuff around with me. Figuratively speaking. From day to day. What I did "yesterday" - like everyday anew - what people will or might say or think about it. And as I see it - eventually we're all going to get tired of all those super high level mega nuanced uber niche around 10 corners with a spin and accross 10 dimensional things - and we'll find a new appreciation for simple. But a kind of simple - that is better than what it used to be. Because ... that old kind of simple ... is really just a bunch of mental health problems, in a way.

I mean, can't we just have a seat and talk?

Uhm, yea. Scripture indicates that that's what's going to happen.

Anyway. I think I rambled on for long enough now. "Until next time!"