Vanity | Am I being silly?

Well - I probably am; And I'm sorry; And I'll try to be more reasonable in the future!

I mean, I used to feel way worse about having written and published "flawed opinions" - by which I mean, things that make me feel like I'd take them back eventually. I suppose it all comes down on the angle/perspective of inquiry, pressure and seriousness. I mean, overall the thing is that I can take a lot of things back - sort-of - without really compromising my position. It would then just be that I'd probably write something to a similar effect ... again.

Well, depending on what we mean by 'effect' I guess.


Then the thing is that I certainly am a huge enjoyer of silliness. Though - sure - it depends. I mean, it's like with body fluids. There are some that are OK, like Milk and various cheeses made from it, others that are a bit more special; And if we really wanted to dig into it with seriousness and hard logical fervor ... I'd have to ... I suppose recollect myself at first a little. The point being that overall I'd say I'm a pretty lighthearted individual. And that I suppose flows into a lot of what I end up writing. Subsequently some things aren't to be taken as serious as some might - or perhaps it takes a certain spin that I may or may not have done a poor job at communicating.

Now, Lightheartedness - as in: a certain lack of seriousness, is here not to be mistaken for ... well, we'd need a different word for it than 'seriousness' here. Like a strong ambition to be profound. And as of this topic, I find myself now exposed to this truth; Where my individual or intimate concerns take me a bit away from "the ordinary nonsense" - while it seems to me as though these concerns aren't or weren't or wouldn't be lining up with ... contemporary expectations.


But well, I suppose: Sometimes all it takes is a good intro.

And it's interesting. By an intro one can introduce a certain tone that can then be ... rode on(?) ... like a wave. Which I suppose helps against an impression of being just dropped into the cold water.

Or, with some unfortunate twist of conditions and such ... being led to a cliff to be like: Hey, it's totally safe to jump here. ... Like the ever frequent: "Treasure Ahead" message nearby any cliff in any Dark Souls game.


Anyway ... when it comes to things that are profound, what has been bothering me recently is how there's a certain stroke of Vanity to Clarity. And yea, I can see why these things wouldn't really 'fit' all that well with what people would expect; Since ... well ... the time when Clarity matters were to matter might not be just yet.

Ooof ... maybe that Dark Souls reference was a bit too much.


But ... so, if you wanna indulge me on this: There's this thing that has been bothering me. So already while writing Dreams of a Fallen Angel. And yea, a few things - actually - were perhaps presented rather poorly, mostly because I hadn't yet fully caught up to the things I meant to write about. Or ... crucial terms would be missing. Such as Vanity. It's all fair though, I'd say, because there's only so much information I can juggle, time also happens to be a factor ... and for the most part ... I think I was clear that this thing would be a problem.

So has it been a theme, that there's a difference between Layers of immersion. Very deep down the Logic would be mostly my own - and important concepts here were difficult to provide as they'd merely be emotions emergent from various conditions. And maybe these problems are unique to a certain kind of Clarity - such as mine - but other than highlighting this possibility there isn't much use to thinking about it a lot.

And so - at some point I meant to convey something; And I remember one instance where just barely got around to a comparison, the hole in the socks. Now, with this recent resurfacing of this mood I also had worked myself to a point where after just trying to reflect on my emotions I took it a bit further ... and upon being somewhat displeased by it, the topic of Vanity came to mind. And ... it would be the right word, I figure, to explain various things in more Clarity. But thus far I haven't quite found the opportunity to properly dig into it.

Part of it may be because the connection isn't right away obvious. I mean ... looking at it, within myself, on whatever layer of immersion - there's like ... this 'sense'. So, Vanity would help me explain "this thing" - though it wouldn't seem as though Vanity has anything to do with it.

And outside of that there are, here and there, more obvious manners in which the word might be used or applied - or be taken as a lens or filter.


So, in simplicity, the most immediate 'technical' concept that comes to mind is how the presentation of Clarity does to a certain extent revolve around finding the right expressions. At least is that also something that vibes in that metaphor of lighting candles that I used. Or so that there is sense on the deeper layers of immersion - a struggle that is opened up the moment I'd go beyond simply stating that I'm a whore and leaving it at that.

So, eventually there is this back and forth. There's the immersion - and thereafter a consolidation. Because sure does it make sense to keep the expressions simple - but then again the own inner perception might be dissatisfied over that. Which is, to me at least, what keeps or kept this ball rolling.

So is there the Clarity Diagram - and in regards to that there's this, well, maybe weird Intersection that I threw in about Wants and Likes. I mean, to speak of Clarity and the use or meaning of expanding on it - there's the first element of my Diagram. On top there's Brainwashing - from it an arrow into ... I haven't fully settled on a term yet. Being a bitch (like a female dog), Lewdness - that sort of thing. And that arrow goes straight through the Label itself. So - that is the basic composition of how I experience my Clarity. So, whether or not there's a use to it - it's however just ... what it is.
The next step expands further on the matter of being a Whore itself - which is usually where I'm sort-of 50:50 between Captivity and Enslavement, and being a Pet and a being a Doll. And that then comes with a whole lot of other baggage.

Now, essentially - due to its simplicity - this should allow people to infer certain things about me. I mean, the label alone should do that, but with each addition a more concise and more effortless interpretation should be possible. And so is there also a lot of fluff, I think, that I would intuitively add to my expressions - as I'd feel that people might have a hard time with their intuition on these things. I mean, taking the "primary axis" for instance. Being Brainwashed into Prostitution ... is a pretty harsh sentence. I'd say. So there would (or could) be skepticism of how that 'Brainwashing' is to be valued. And perhaps ... there's doubt over ... how one reads it based on where it would take me. To which I would try to explain in colorful detail ... what my own take on it is.

And yea - now I come around to the point, that I might have dedicated an entire Chapter to the Diagram alone. But alas ... that ship has sailed.

And yea - probably because my concerns were more on the side of ... how this "brainwashed into prostitution" thing is or isn't an intrusive act of force or violence. And so to come back to the concept of Vanity - the expression ever so often only happens to be a coating of the truth. And ever so often that leads to ... I guess we might call them misalignments.


And yea, the more distant an expression is from the core matters, the more of a misalignment there would be. And I'd get there, ever so often, as a function of me trying to expand upon my perceived reality.

And so I'd get to moments where something that made sense at the moment of writing, or composing, wouldn't really carry over into how I'd perceive myself and the light and reality and all that. So could I, for instance, take the concept of a Sex Robot and liken myself to it. There sure is stuff there - but eventually do care more about creating a contemporary reflection of how I feel, as opposed to going into the actual brainwashing itself - and the result would thus just be an abstract and not be carried by the same forces that make up the actual thing.

And yea, you might not notice - or wouldn't care. And perhaps you shouldn't. As ... being a Whore, to me, comes down to not being in control of a given situation. And the situation itself wouldn't be for people to interact with the deep and intimate truth of myself - but a presentation of me relative to an environment. Or whatever.

But so are there things I fancy that don't really line up with 'the Clarity' - so that featuring them under the banner of Clarity ... is technically wrong. Except it could be highlighted as an example ... and for now the best way to frame it, happens to be Vanity.


Another aspect of this is the simple gap between fantasy and reality. So, I could take in about any aspect of my Clarity - find it's appeal in the moment, try to expand upon it but due to some kind of "familiarity fatigue" would opt to change things up a little. In that sense ... my own personal biggest problem comes with aspects of ... well, density. I mean ... Gang...stuff. Matters such as amount, severity and duration aren't really things I would care about - while what I care about is how my Clarity (thinking of the Diagram) makes me feel about being a part of certain environments or conditions. So, matters such as absolute submission, being a Doll or otherwisely dehumanized for sexual reasons, 'lifetime enslavement' - they generally don't leave me a lot of room for 'anything other than ...'; Which in the flipsense becomes a 'nothing but'. And here the simple reality, for me in regards to my clarity, is that my being "is to" align with these 'nothing but' moments - as they would provide the most pure interpretation of those environments. I mean, it's like ... "duh".

Realism however, here, does nothing but punch holes into it. And while Vanity can also be applied here - it's ... however a bit more complicated. I mean, for me to coat myself as true to my truth as possible - I'd lean into my Clarity. On the off chance that it might not perfectly fit my reality. Or I'd lean into my reality, on the off chance that it might not fit my Clarity.


But sure. My 'real life' Vanity is all about striking a balance between the two. I wouldn't dress like a Bimbo - but I also wouldn't dress like a frigid Church mum. Or someone who doesn't have a sense of fashion for that matter.
But so, as for 'real life' Vanity - or matters of fashion, for that matter - we're also entering a slightly different domain. Insert talk about realness, authenticity and posers. Perhaps.

I mean, one item of this matter that frequently made it into my correspondence - is the matter, that 'realness' would be associated with a need to prove something. Like so the matter with getting gangbanged. I haven't yet had the pleasure ... in the flesh ... and with it being a dominant part of my identity - I have something I keep on struggling with. In the meantime people might take envy in my sex-appeal; Make it a part of their identity and say that I'm the poser. And it would seem as though I had no means to tackle them from these hills - but yea, if they mean to appeal to gangbangers outside of the Ninedom ... that's on them. I mean, it has to backfire eventually.
Or something.
I mean - perhaps the joke's on me for losing some of my target audience; Which is however assuming that they weren't lost in the first place.

But yea - this ... is however the place where, concerning the entire concept of the Vanity of Clarity, things basically fall apart at their seams. Uhm, I mean ... it is where the matters of Vanity dominate the matters of truth. Where, if I have nothing to show for it (though ... I am, in fact, Nicole Christina Sonnberger) ... well, it sucks for me. And to make it not suck - well. I would if I could. Which, I suppose, is still a work in progress.

Sort-of. Because ... it's also not the point. "Sorry to disappoint you". I mean, I guess eventually I'm the one who associates my sex-appeal to gangbangs and stuff. Well, whatever. The issue for me ends up being that I then only have myself - my identity, my truth - to hold on to. And that's my own thing - an internal thing - something I wouldn't need to share. I guess I could let myself be swayed one way or another - to perhaps ... align more with the perceived truth rather than dying on these hills of the absolutes - but alas, "we'll see who cancels whom" I guess.


I mean - in as far as I want to "make my reality happen", to the best possible extent - what matters were an environment in which I felt comfortable expressing/being myself. And that doesn't come about merely by insisting that I have a gangbang or swallow this and that many cocks. Because ... Clarity, at some point, also happens to be an environmental truth. There's a back and forth - between the individuals implied - and I'm going to be me - where I can, how I can.

And one issue hereto, in particular, comes in form of family. That is ... the higher, in the ninedom/as of Clarity sense. So, from how I present myself or what I share of myself I get a sense, or more, about how it might be perceived. This idea that it would all boil down to some odd gangbang being one of them ... and I have to say that it just ... feels a bit lackluster.
And I suppose ... the more people that were to argue that I'd be trying to pull myself from responsibilities ... the more, I feel, my responsibility is to tell them where they're wrong. And I'm sure that there's talking points and deliberate misconstructions in place - to generally increase the odds of me being misunderstood, or seen in a bad light; But all that just feeds into an impression of coercion. To me at least; And I should be free to withdraw myself from that.

I mean ... I have a vague sense of how things should unfold. At first I tried to elaborate on it in all seriousness. Like ... a step by step plan of the comprehensive manner. But I've since discarded that mindset as childish and impractical. One issue being that I can't tell 'when' we're ready. We'll ... get there when we get there. And yea, I mean ... as for what's going through my mind ... the thing is that I might happen to think, one sweet day, that yea ... folks of the 'organized crime' world, Yakuza perhaps, should be able and willing to repent and get baptized and such too. But where then does that put me? And the thing is that I can't tell - as it ... depends on ... stuff.


It might, for once, depend on just overall responsibilities, expectations, deserved freedoms and such - just how I might also come to have my fun times in the first place. So, on the one hand - it might be that people could assure me that I can take a break, forget about everything and ... bam. Then it comes down to how societies, cultures and environments consolidate; Alongside how my body could fit in and also matters of immediate appeal. But sure, there is an entirely optimistic way things could go right there. On the other hand it might be that the interpersonal domain happens to be the more interesting space - so to the point that there's overall more space outside of sexual activity for us to dwell in - which would possibly, give or take, give me space for internal unrests, urges, pressures and such to flow into creative endeavors. Or simply cleaning up the whole scripture side mess of things. Working on final versions or ... whatever. Whatever this upgrade of communication, collective reasoning and feedback might produce.

And that is not speaking of the 'bad' cases - where rather than peace and happiness I'd find ... nonsense and struggles and stress and stuff. Though here I might just stress cancel myself into a hiatus of sorts, depending on ... what would or wouldn't be possible.


And yea. It's not that I wouldn't do things for show. It's just that I wouldn't like to pretend ... in place of actually having it. But yea. That's ... in about it.