Something about being Horny

Or ... trans-issues, in a sense - kind-of. I mean, talking to the ... uh ... adults in the room ... to commemorate the rational space beyond all the nonsensical bickering of the modern day ... being trans is really just one filter through which certain matters can be observed. And yea, it happens to be ... one of the things I'm looking through.
And I'm sure I've tried something like this before - and ultimately there isn't really a point to all of this just yet. There are some things I'm still trying to figure out - and writing this seems to be the reasonable thing to do. For context: I've been starting off choosing pictures and trying to write about my feelings; To compile some image based insight into my emotional space. Because ... there definitely is a kind of ... resonance that occurs when looking at certain images. Possibly depending on the mood or some idea. It's a kind of attraction - for the most part one where I am attracted towards a certain way of myself as inspired by the image. And I was trying to capture that whithout really trying to explain myself. But to properly phrase out the emotions or feelings.
And so I came to a point where I now find myself a little bit ... stomped. So, I need to explain myself - or so, explore things a little further to better understand how to boil things down or whatever.
That does mean that I may be ... don't have much to say about whatever I was looking at. But yet I'm looking at something; And I'm not entirely sure about what and why.

So, a week ago I was actually about to write about it. The general focus being the paradoxical - and how things that seem to be contradicting can yet make up a harmony of sorts. But now I think it's better to write about it in a way that doesn't assume that the matter is already clear and figured out.

I mean - so with Clarity it seems to be often so, that there's an epiphany that happens - a revelation of sorts - and in the moment it seems really tight and concrete and all that; But then it's that mental processes keep shifting the perception and a bit of a chaos ensues. A chaos that probably settles round about what the epiphany suggested - but ... different?

So, maybe I should summarize real quick also. The whole thing starts off with the notion of a void of sorts, or an abyss - triggers that excite my mind into sexual thinking. Then I moved on to further write of that resonance or harmony ... I guess: Between me and that sexual thinking - but, yea - maybe I should stop right there and think more properly about what's actually going on.
Maybe.
Yet ... at first doing basically what I've always done - things that I think may be somewhat pointless in hindsight though still ... there - I came to look at various facets of myself until I got to one from where I managed to produce a point of sorts. So, foregoing the 'why' or 'how' of any of it - took me to a part of me where the 'why' and 'how' sortof ... presented themself.

And now, well, I feel like I could start over again to lead with that part. But I still don't have a good idea of ... why even. And stuff. I mean, there's just confusion and an urge to get through it - and questions such as what and why ... are terribly inadequate to credit that in any way.
What I get, I think, is that there seem to be ... questions or ... things that aren't clear enough or a bit too uncertain or vague ... while I don't feel like being as accurate as could be about it would really ... satisfy those curiosities. So I think there has to be more to it.

So it would help me to think of it as porn - being something akin to 'Dreams of a Fallen Angel' but more like a definitive ... 'this is it'. So, to ... leave out the maybe's and let the definitive then speak for itself.

A prism of sorts ... perhaps.

One challenge were, to make a coherent whole of it. If you've read Dreams of a Fallen Angel - you may have noticed how much of a struggle that is, given how much ... uh ... surface area there is. But therein I also write of those urges that would make me dig deeper and deeper ... gradually making more and more sense of things.
And so I have a lot of different things that don't seem to come together in a neat way. One principle that would speak to that is that Clarity isn't 'the life itself'. So are there certain 'knots' we might say - where things that are fairly similar seem to converge around ... something; But that something is ... ultimately just me. And that cannot, ultimately, be captured in ... something simple and concrete.
And yet it seems like ... there yet ought to be something. Something that's maybe just a minor detail - only the contemporary issue that's bothering me. Which, for all I care, used to simply be described as 'Whore'.

But still ... there's this tree - and the grid and the runes - and maybe I didn't know how to put it together because ... I was looking for the wrong things to do so.

Anyway. There is a ... central thing I'm looking at these days, and it concerns 'the boy in me'. And it might sure help to look at 'where' in my Clarity it is. I mentioned two specific places; Yet when it comes to 'the boy IN ME' - there's more. I mean, there already was more - while I was maybe too eager to dismiss its significance.

Not that it mattered. I suppose. And I thought.

That behavior is certainly, as I understand now - and, to an extent, always did, in line with it. And, here it might matter - should matter - to speak of how identity matters. In a sense of Self Identification. Versus ... what just is ... male or female ... in a way that can be externally observed. Like, regardless of what the individual may think or feel or such.
Hereby I think the first thing that sticks out is simple gender non-conformity. So, parents telling their kids that boys don't do this or that or that girls don't do this or that - so, restricting what the kid may or may not be through an applied gender norm; While the kid itself may or may not have a strong urge to defy those ideals.

From that we get individuals that identify as male or female - while very strongly "dabbling" in aspects of the opposite sex. So, femboys or tomboys ... :/ ... or ... what.
So - going by things they do and like and such - they are like of the opposite sex; But yet somehow don't identify as such. And there too is a spectrum. There certainly are men and women that have traits of the opposite sex ... that don't really fall into the femboy/tomboy mold quite as easily ... which is how external categorization should always be taken as somewhat ... problematic? Obscene? Inadequate!

Now, to speak about me, I'm ... a woman. In some sense we might say that I'm a boy in a woman's body ... but that certainly not in the way that ... would make me a trans man. More so in a: 'That's the point' kind of way. So - were I a cis woman; I'd be like that ... to say: Having some male/masculine traits while still identifying as a woman. Except I'm trans - so, not born in the appropriate body. Which has it that for a large part of my life I had to live in a way where my hormonal getup would resonate with some part of me that however doesn't correspond to my real 'identity'.

And I think a large part of why I would regard "that part" of me as a boy is a nurture thing. Maybe it's just because I lived as a male for so long that these parts have developed a kind of male identity. I happen to think that it may have been necessary - as living male lives would strengthen those aspects of mine; While otherwise those parts would just succumb and wither within my self. And so it happens that once I live my life - acting as an autonomous entity - I happen to experience myself as male, in a way. I guess it's like bones or muscles. I mean, more to the point, it's exactly like muscles.

So, this boy in me - in essence - is a part of my nervous system. Like the result of some perverted, twisted, horrible medical experiment. I think Ghost in the Shell makes for a good comparison - thinking of the boy in me as the part of me that survived some horrible accident and now exists in some kind of artificial shell. But that doesn't really properly describe it; As ultimately it's still ... just something within me. Something that is in parts deeply interwoven with my consciousness but still ... not me. So, it's more like I'm another person that had a horrible accident; And that boy ... is replacing parts that didn't survive. But that's also terribly inadequate.

So this idea that I used to be male but that part is now locked up in a prison inside my head ... is pretty much the best way to put it I guess. It then would act freely - through the prison - once that prison isn't really serving any purpose - while the bars are certainly still there. Though ... that then might solicit some misconceived judgments of my being. Still.

But - in all that it might ultimately be somewhat ambiguous what I now am. Bigender might be a good term, but then again ... to me ... that boy in me doesn't really amount to much of a gender thing at all.

Bound and Twisted

There so are terms that serve purposes of description. Yet can the terms themselves carry more meaning than the description requires - and so things that aren't there can be read into it. 'Twisted' for instance is certainly one way to describe a great many things about me, as at times I would regard myself as twisted. But, the greater theme of this aforementioned journey through my feelings was - redeemed from the chains of explanation - a bit eye opening to me in that it presented a sense of normalcy to me. I sure understood as much in theory ... like ... how feeling cold implies an absence of that discomfort - so that 'feeling cold' isn't as much about the cold weather but the more ideal temperature. The whole mirror column thing.
The thing then is that I'm not twisted. The thing is that once I allow myself to be - there's a harmony that unfolds; Between me and myself; That doesn't easily fit into the world as we know it. And trying to fit into this world is what then actually twists me. Eventually creating a normalcy that has to be untwisted - which then, sure, is a matter of twisting still.

And yea, in this whole 'let me explain' setting - I think the sensual layer of it is lost a bit. But ... well.

Being 'bound to things' is another matter like this. I'm ... bound to myself, let's say. There is a simple way to interpret this. So, things that make up my individuality are things I'm bound to. Whether I got to change them or not ... it's stuff I have to deal with. And so, inherently it's nothing I can 'free' myself from, per se. And so it seems that migrating from a descriptive language to an intrinsically accurate one ... is a bit of a challenge.
And it may be easier to use images, verbal ones, to just describe things better. And ... yea, maybe my own biases get in the way of that sometimes.

So, I'm biased against my own masculinity. Which is, by the way, what that boy in me ... is and does. Like ... I certainly tried to explain it more than once. So, sexually at least - it's not a boy. What makes me relate to "it" as a boy - that I suppose is the nurture side of it; Based on the nature of it being like ... the dominant side of me. As the story goes: The early moments of my life, I found myself a victim of abuse. Then, when removed from that environment, I at first grew ... well. Not exactly against it, but apart from it. Developing an independent sense of self and curiosity. This side of me would quickly create a self apart from 'my self' - as found in that environment of abuse - without being however much of a 'self'. 'My self' would re-awaken upon being introduced to my spouse - where this 'active' side of me yet developed from a state of neglecting that part. So it would define itself through activity, curiosity ... to be as much of a living, autonomous thing as possible - without the baggage of the past. As this entity is however not grown from a sense of self - it would exist in some kind of twisted relationship with the world. It would also define itself through things it enjoys doing; And I realize that these things fall in line with 'my self'. So, if God would seem to abuse me - by inspiring me, by making me go through my life to do His bidding and all that - that is 'my self' resonating with the things I do. But so also in terms of love - there is this breaking point. On the one side there is this autonomous self that does inherently exist off of an independent and dominant 'mode of operations' - yet when it comes to matters of intimacy and "letting people in" - there's the exact opposite of that and I myself am not even really prepared for that. Or have been. And so, making peace with myself comes at a cost. And that cost is to allow matters of my self to be a part of me. And what that means is further determined by what 'my self' actually is.
Sexuality is hereby I think at first best regarded as a mental framework. It certainly contains the tools or terms to describe it. Let's say, for now: to be dominated, to be a good little girl. To have like ... dominant will/wanting/desire flow through me. However that stuff works.

And so, the issue is that the identity of that boy in me - is my own. So, there's this 'nucleus' - the core of me - and of it comes my ... greater self or ... intrinsic self ... inherent self ... the logical self? ... - with that autonomous self also somehow attached to it. And what happened, as 'my self' got nourished in a good way; My autonomous' selfs bias to exist basically opposed to it corroded until it eventually collapsed. So, yea, I'm a ... hoe ... I suppose. With, possibly, a degree of complexity that's almost off putting. I mean, there's that question: Is it gay to Love me? One could make a case for it, regardless of what sex one would ascribe to me. Yet, a gay man that would love me - would still just happen to have straight sex with me. Anyhow ... so, there's nuance that might be utterly trivial ... but enough for me to cringe a bit about calling myself a 'hoe' as simple as it gets.
Maybe because for the most part it's a bit of a derogatory term that men use for simple women - or "female simplicity" at least, in as far as sex is concerned. The problem for me thereby is that I'm not really interested in men. I mean - I get that the longer I've been on HRT, the more I've developed a ... well ... taste that would or could amount to heterosexual curiosity. Maybe that's just because I've loosened up on what we might call "gender bigotry" (a.k.a. homophobia of sorts) - but ... I just don't find it in me; But in a very ... uh ... whore~ish way.

Anyhow. So ... having allowed my autonomous self to make peace with my actual self - did, little by little, reveal all the indicators that have been there all along. Which helped acknowledging that I'm trans. But more important for that autonomous self may be, that I understood more and more just how I exist against my own self. Yet there is a part of it that ... is like a self. A motivation or strain of ego - heart - I guess: Simply understood as the mind pursuing its autonomous existence; That then would try to create a kind of negative self. Which, I have to say, strikes me as trying to swim up a waterfall. But so there's also a part of me that is ... struggling as ... the idea of maintaining this negative is aligned with its interests. And that part also has a really hard time to ... accept the rest of itself. So, that would be me insisting that I'm male - mind over body or whatever - and ... at the end of the day, I'm more than just somewhat tempted to lean into it. I'm more like ... incapable of loosening its grip on me.
So my voice for instance. No matter how much I hate it - I cannot bring "it" to embrace ... my female nature. And I guess that's the hard spot that makes me say that there's a boy in me. As some part of me that I somehow have to deal with.

The thing is that this part is still a real slut. I mean, it's redundant to put it this way, but: It has the same "heart" as I do. And no matter how much it might try to resist it - there's still ... well ... uhm ... 'me'.

And this whole ... 'negative self' thing ... it happens to concern me. And yea, it's a bit weird ... this whole thing ... but it is then from 'my' perspective that this 'negative self' thing ... doesn't really ... make sense. I can agree with it in the abstract - as I so ... explore these strands of mine ... but the result of that will, to me, always be fake.

And so there is this weird dynamic. I know what 'it' wants - likes - and so I can put myself in this abstract position where I'm ... raping that part of me. But I can also put myself in this abstract where I'm giving myself into that part of me - that I otherwise rape - and let it ... pleasure me.
This whole situation would then be something I might capture on a page as something that's a thing ... like ... I'm shackled to it and it is shackled to me ... though on the very next page, virtually speaking, that would fall apart. And yea, maybe I shouldn't shy away from trying to capture things that are in motion like that. But anyway, the thing is that as those two parts are essentially just one - maintaining this abstract duality doesn't really satisfy me. So, in that sense, I need a third - where the two of me can be one again - even if I'm two to them.

I mean, maybe it's just me - that would interpret the third's affection towards me as directed unto either part of me. The thing is, that ... there is a difference. It's like with plus and minus in math. I mean ... take a +1 and a -1 - and it's either 1-1 or -1+1. The result is the same - but it's the thing at first that matters now.
The difference may though just matter to me. But - naturally, the logical me is just .. me; While the autonomous me exists in some conflict with that. It's like, bent out of shape - and 'making it fit', as it were, is associated with effort that as per the nature of me ... requires an external force.

Uhm ... I suppose that these musings are just consequences of my current condition. They probably aren't, but all I have to go on is my current self. And what matters to me is that there's this disalignment. Imagine maybe a carpet put into a room that's too small for it. So there's always going to be a bulge. And I suppose everyone can get behind that urge ... to get rid of that bulge. But the way I see it ... while I intimately deal with this abstract dichotomy and get satisfaction from trying to bend against that bulge - so, to focus on "my male self" - you are probably more inclined to treat the two as logically disconnected; And while my autonomous self is what would greet you IRL - you'd further tend to sympathize with "it". And that quite frankly has a potential to drive me nuts.
In a professional setting ... well, I guess I don't really care. And I guess I've also grown a bit tired of it. Not to some resolution however. I however don't need to make a fuzz of it - understanding that there isn't really a way to begin with - and the occasional agony that comes from it, well, I can manage.

So, the abstract nature of my condition makes it so that I can barely be real about myself without making it somewhat comical. And that in turn spawns a kind of 'realism' that just doesn't want to entertain that at all.
And yea, I guess that even explains why I take comfort in doing these deep dives into my Clarity.

So, for redundancy: My ambition behind mentioning my male self in this context - the context of my sexuality - is - well - somewhat perverted. Perhaps it's best described as a Kink - and perhaps that is to only concern a handful of people. Or less. There is however something I find to be pleasant - which in all simplicity is to take this abstract concept of a 'male me' into the general thing that is me. Because to me the whole male or female thing ... well, it's both a female thing. "The male" merely exists as a part of me that resonates with me thinking of myself as a male - but, at some point trying to explain it seems to be more trouble than it's worth.
And so - while there would be those that ... I suppose they exist ... can vibe with that Kink of mine - there would also be those that can't. And to them, all of this might just come off as gibberish.

Outside of the few moments that help ... mending the divide.

The comical of horny

But yea, let's face it: Being Horny is comical. I mean, on the one hand I suppose everyone can enjoy porn. Yet, on the other hand, I suppose we can all agree that all porn is cringe. Porn sure is more easily cringe if it doesn't really cater to your taste - or if you haven't evolved so far yet: Once post-coital clarity overcomes you.

So, I present you this as reasonable evidence to declare intimate cringe as justified. So, to be perfectly clear: In a sober framework where we want to objectively assess the facts, we are supposedly incapable of properly understanding the sensual truths that are being discussed. Like so we can look at everything that one might find horny - and come to the conclusion that it's incredibly mid ... at best.

Anyway ... so, what I was concerned about - at first - was about ... harmony of the paradoxical. To that I would assume, that everyone has these paradoxes. Regardless of whether some have them more than others. The thesis being that it's important for us to come to terms with our own paradoxes - as opposed to only living on one side of them as that prevents us from ever being whole.

To treat this, I did however have nothing but what I've tried to explain so far. And so, it may help to look at the matter differently.

Hereby, the first 'truth' ... uh. The first requirement for having a paradoxon that requires 'mending' - is to have like two things that don't easily fit together. And those are 'is' things. So, there's no discussion over one or the other being more or less true or real than the other.
And it doesn't have to be sex or gender. One might have a male and a female side that do very easily align and so there would be no conflict whatsoever. My gender development did however not really ... play out to such an end. One side is clearly female while the other is merely ... more like, potentially not female. And so, wanting to be - to simplify it - a boy and a girl at the same time, that's a paradoxical. One that simply is. And there might be many ways to deal with this. There's a matter of sexuality, taste, priorities ... whatever.

Also - important to note: Choice doesn't have a place here. So, it's not that I 'want' to be a boy and a girl at the same time ... as a matter of choice. There is no choice in that I can't make either part go away. So, naturally, what can be done, is to find a way that both parts can vibe with. And that then does probably also just go well with the greater whole. So, even things that aren't - at first - really a part of the person can then basically get baked into its essence as a conflict is being redeemed towards a greater harmony. At first that might not want to settle easily, which is then were time will tell.

So might one way for me to be asexual. Nongender. Or whatever. The problem to that is, that this is really just what this "other part" of me does - so that my logical self doesn't really get anything out of it. Which also happens to be too ... uh ... deep or large ... to be satisfied with some shallow nod towards it. So, this is a cop out that might work for me in a moment of public scrutiny while suffering a general lack of contemplative solidity concerning my long term response.
The solution for me has however also been far more simple. To remove the negative things that my self attracted at first.
And while that sure does beg the question, in a way, of what's negative about abuse or how an abuse-like/abusive relationship can actually be good ... all that is really needed is an environment in which the conditions I need exist. Which might also just happen to be some weird abstract consequence of people being weird.

Anyway - so, to lean into the comical side of it: It's probably easiest to just ... speak of the boy in me; Without much of a reason behind making a woman of it other than ... people being horny that way. It certainly works just fine for me.

So, the woman that comes from that is ... simple ... as she merely happens to be the product of certain conditions which she therefore happens to be perfectly aligned with. The boy that is still stuck in there, well ... is on the one side still stuck in there - and is to the woman a reminder of where she came from or what she is. Interacting with her is to interact with the whole thing - interacting with him is somewhat disrespectful but that also just happens to be a part of her normalcy.

What this leaves out is ... the nuance of how all of this abusive, rapey "nonsense" happens to be good for me. The thing is that the woman was actually there before the boy, but because the boy marked a kind of reset while also being more of an autonomous entity than the other - it ultimately happens to be 'the pivot' of it all.
In all of it, there's also a bit of a compromise. So, the things that made the boy what it is - they aren't being removed. They continue to exist, however as aligned with at the very least the woman's sexuality. For what isn't sexual - the implication is that that stuff is neglible because there is no ... space for that. Like ... anyway. And while ever so often there however is - well - it doesn't really matter because ... it doesn't really matter.
Uhm ... I mean ... so: Strength, Dominance, Curiosity, an Urge to Grow, to break Free - these are things that made my autonomous self - all in pursuit of a void. That void is then being replaced by 'my self' - which doesn't have the result that I run around soliciting sex, because that's not really masculine behavior. It merely maintains ... defends, supports ... 'what it is made of'. Which could also be compared to an artificial identity embedded into its heart after drained of testosterone ... and then at some point this whole duality just doesn't really matter anymore.

Anyway ... I think ... I have to call it a day now.