Something about being Horny - part 2

Anyway ... I guess I completely lost my thread there.
Hmm ... what thread?

I don't even know. I mean ... a part of me is like ... I don't know what this person writing these words is doing! Like - I'm supposed to know that writing of these things only furthers the whole mess I'm in - so, coming from the part of me that does believe these impressions that I shouldn't have ever written of sexuality at all, ever. Possibly not even acknowledging that it exists.

And - it seems right enough. Though accordingly, there wouldn't be anyone still reading any of this; Other than folks that really don't want to see me succeed in anything - lest they can use it for their benefit over mine.

And it's shocking to me how often I'm left with the impression that that's actually ... the reality. And there really isn't much to convince me that it's wrong. Only the fact that I'm still writing as though there's more - as though that's not what I should be concerned about. Though that could be for a couple of reasons. I mean, I have to trust that God is guiding me - which is also weird, considering how often I feel like I'm utterly abandoned.


Then again - I do realize that on and off we are pulling punches. Deliberately holding back on stuff. Now, whether that is for one reason or another ... I don't know. And is that fine? Is that an alright message or fact to share? Well, it is true at least.

And ... there's like a scarcity of that it seems. And I guess that's also why I do feel somewhat ... bad or conflicted about Baldur's Gate 3. It does, by virtue of being a really good fantasy RPG I assume, fit really well into that niche of ... being not 'real'. Being just an illusion. Where, yea, the quality of the game is like the Spell Level of the Illusion - which would make it a really high Level illusion spell. And it most certainly is an illusion. Give or take. And with it come a lot of things that come with them.
It may be a thing about Dungeon and Dragons in particular - as it does cater, explicitly, to an individuals ego; Giving them a fictitious framework for self expression. And yet it is a trickster in that there still are all these rules for what one can or cannot be. And there's something about it that sickens me - which I think is mostly a matter of competition. I mean, once you lean too heavily into min-maxing to get the most out of the game, you're sort of neglecting yourself in favor of power.

And yea. Right around that corner there's a lot of resentment that I harbor for what's going on online. I mean, really. And so I previously thought that actually - we need like a condom for the internet. I mean, I suppose the amount of people who are jacking off with one hand while posting some nonsensical BS with the other - sort of figuratively speaking - is not zero. And somewhere in there, there are influencers. In and of itself that's not bad; But eventually they can get it into their heads that it's their job. That they therefore 'have to' do ... whatever it is that they're doing. Like they have a responsibility to do so. And so it's always like ... once a new Game comes out ... there's a period of cringe posting that one has to suffer through. Or not. I mean, some of it is possibly even interesting. Maybe the issue for me is just that it's too much. And other times not enough. I don't know. I mean, I don't mean to step on anyone's toes here - but it still is like a hostage situation. Like ... how it is with YouTube ads.
I mean - classical TV be like ... you watch stuff - after 20 minutes there's a 5 minute ad break - and either you move on to zap around or you take the time to do some other thing. Get something to drink, take a piss ... whatever. But with YouTube ads it's like ... you can't. Whatever you might want to do ... the ads probably won't take that long so you miss the start of the video. The alternative is that you'll just sit there waiting for those 5 or 15 or whatever many seconds to go by. Just so that like 1 1/2 minutes in you can yet again ... sit through some ad break. Although either might only take one minute - overall those minutes amount to a lot of time that you otherwise could have used more meaningfully.


I mean, I suppose there really isn't a shortage of 'evil' that can be found. I certainly didn't have to look for it. And while I'd rather just spin myself up into a cocoon while watching Porn ... that doesn't really satisfy me either. I don't know ... I feel like I'm on a clock - but that like ... in a videogame where time actually doesn't matter; And so I'm looking for what triggers the plot progression and I seem to be incapable of finding it.

So yea, I guess ... let's talk(ed) about things that trouble me.

Time is so friggin surreal. The most baffling part is whenever I'm glad it's weekend and after falling over twice it's monday again. I mean, how often did I look forward to getting cozy with an orgasm - not getting around to it for a week or so? Next to the classic: "It's about to get late I should get ready for bed" - and two to three hours still not having found a jump off point.
And usually it turns out that that was somehow necessary. All the way down to pulling actual all nighters, even if it means that I can barely keep my eyes open the next day.

With all that I ever so often get to bed feeling like I forgot something. Or dissatisfied because I spent too much time on one thing so I didn't have enough time for the other. So I try to think about spending my time meaningfully but there isn't really a thing I can do that doesn't make me feel that way. And it's not even a time thing. I don't think. Because whenever I do have time ... a plenty ... I don't know what to spend it on but ... the same ol' "meaningless nonsense". Although, there is one thing that is fulfilling. But I suppose ... I better not share any of it. I mean ... yea, sure - I do - every now and then. And, per chance, doing so might have been one of the best things I could have ever done.

But I guess people don't want to hear that. I mean, there certainly are tensions brought about by people who seem to be somewhat upset about other people who arguably could spend their time on more meaningful things. Like working 24/7 and never having an ounce of fun ever! Or something along those lines. How that would work out ... who knows. Apparently though it'll be good for the economy. Well - I'd think that not wasting resources on just producing waste would be good for the economy, but I guess such nonsense is what we get for being unable to really work together.

A.k.a.: "Whatever"