A little bit more Clarity | feat. the Ninedom

So - one of the major problems I'm facing is that Clarity ... well ... for once is only a theory. And the theory suggests, that it is some deeply individual thing. So, my Clarity is this vast, complex thing - full of things that may to this world remain abstract for the most part. And that makes it somewhat surreal. Unrelatable. And I can't help but speak of my own because that's all I truly know about it. Well, perhaps with some added caveat concerning the value of it.

And yet over time it got clear to me, that all of that ... vast and complex stuff ... well, basically just resonates with my being. Or how to put it? It's a bit like an echo. For the longest time I didn't notice it, then eventually I started to understand it - and now I think it's rather clear to me.
That there is this part of me that is at times almost like a stranger to me. Weird stuff that's possibly difficult to explain properly. I suppose ... depending on what we care about.

And I also suppose that it might be odd at times - that I write so much about Clarity, and very little about what's in the Ninedom. Or what to make of the 10th, 11th, 12th and 13th Seal. Now, I myself didn't have much of a clue of what to expect either. The stuff I took it from just stopped making any sense to me. I could guess what the 10th Seal might be all about. And it might at all be a lot more mundane than I had imagined. Then some time passed and I glanced at the writings again - and a little bit more made sense. Maybe not a lot - but one thing should be worth noting: The idea that growing up in the Ninedom eventually connects us to a community - I did imagine that to be very literal. Like, being on some astral plane that's very much like the physical. And maybe that's yet to come, but - as it stands these developments seem to at first take us into our subconscious.
I would hope that there are people that got into the Ninedom - either way would one notice that this idea, that being in the Ninedom is like having a second body in some other plane, isn't like ... it would look in a movie. It's more like ... in the subconscious.

And in a sense I feel like I'm hardstuck. Or that I already got to some end, but ... without actual company there isn't really ... much that follows. I ... don't know. And I also have lost curiosity. I mean ... if there's something I could do - I don't know what it is. But time and time again I would look back - and realize that things didn't actually ... stand still. But without resorting to metaphors that can easily be misunderstood - like shadow truths - it's really difficult to tell. It's ... a blur, it's like shadows, traces ... and yet something very concrete within.


And that's why I don't really write about it all that much. And instead ... focused on what made the most sense to me. Clarity. Now, speaking of mine - there's the detail of it; And while concerned of it I might be shamefully missing "the point". To understand it outside of my own context.

So it's all Sex here Sex there and Sex everywhere - while, in the grand scheme of things, Sex shouldn't even be the thing to be concerned about.

But rather than trying to rationalize it out - I might perhaps better start by shedding some light on what there is that ... . Uhm ...

So, at first I somehow got from 10 to 13 in a way that seemd ... shallow. The 10th Seal being some person that glowed from inside - the 11th being more like a cognitive filter through which I might look at the world (nothing fancy) - the 12th being like training sessions to practice matters of belief - and the 13th being just ... a kind of silence. And then it would somehow start over again. Back to a kind of 'Force' ... maybe. But eventually the things I thought were "of the matter" didn't really ... matter anymore. I got stuck somehow. Well - the last thing was akin to those training sessions - and the lesson to be learned was to find peace. Well. Then some odd years later ... something peculiar happened. It was as if ... I got to another 10th Seal. Crystalized Identity - perhaps. Like ... a shard of ice sitting in my heart ... while certainly being under the influence. From there it didn't take long and it got to an 11th. Clear insight into God manipulating my mind. I mean ... there so was like a grid in my head ... or rather ... square blocks arranged in a grid. Well, perhaps more like buttons. And I would think of moving some up and others down - and some did go up and others down, but not the ones I was thinking of. And so I saw something happening that definitely wasn't me but it still felt like it was me.

And that was it then ... for some amount of time ... until I stumbled into Clarity.

And so, I don't know how to make sense of this. Maybe all that I focused on after that second 9th - wasn't really a thing. And so it would yet take years for me to get to the second 10th. The 11th followed right away - and maybe, that's what I'm thinking - all the Clarity stuff is still part of that second 11.

And it's annoying. I mean, maddening even. That I can't really make definitive sense of it. At all.


It would by this modeling however be so, that the second cycle takes a lot longer as it is where the real work starts. Maybe then, the first cycle is 9 to 13 in a way that's all in all just 'the 9th'. The second cycle - the one I'm on right now, I assume - then is the 'actual' 10th - so, Identity. And it makes sense because the first 13th being just silence - it doesn't have much value outside of ... what the Force is like or can do. It's really basic. The on the second cycle it gets more involved with consciousness. Thus it builds a little on the first 12 - but then with the second 10 and the 'start' of the second 11 - a baseline is set for Clarity to unfold. That is ... the Force interacting with the mind, the presence of Divine Lights and an overall ... tangibility to it.

So, this aforementioned understanding I found, concerning the expanse of what I was hiding from myself - that might be a pivotal moment in this development. Like so, it isn't about merely understanding that the individual mind is like ... a network of riffles with tendencies and possible priorities - but to fill that expanse with meaning. With Light. To know it - inside out. To ... be satisfied. And it makes sense that one would have to fully understand that part of themself before even attempting to make any kind of decisions. I mean, I suppose that decisions are being made in the process of uncovering it - because that helps solve uncertainty issues. And then there's also an aspect of mutual harmonics to it - for sure.


And with that being said - I can't but get back into my own.

But maybe I can spice it up a bit to maybe find something that isn't just strictly my own stuff.


I mean, the actual thing on my mind was that I noticed some back and forth that's going on with me. I wrote of lighting candles, I wrote of hangover - in context of Clarity - then I'd try to relativize, maintaining Clarity as an abstract. Yet in all that there, to me, are "places" to be. States of immersion that I'm drawn towards. Which eventually has me light candles and get into a possible hangover. So that the next day I'm ... fine not immersing myself. Until I per chance have grown somewhat tired of the real world ... and need some quality time again.

In all that I've conditioned myself to look for ... 'disarming insights'. So, whenever I found a way to maintain these immersions as abstracts - I'd be eager to acknowledge that and expand on it. And I suppose that helped - because it eventually helped me not get hangovers anymore.
But ... now I feel like I have to do the opposite. Naturally not to negate what has been gained - but to understand more about how the abstract matters.

And maybe the most important lead - at any rate - is that of being mindful about life. Real Life. And that also reveals, in a way, how the abstract does NOT matter. So would a state of immersion correspond to a place within one's own expanse. Which is probably a thing that some have more troubles with than others. Me being someone who has more troubles with it - because compared to my real life - it has the greater significance. Because I don't have much, if anything, in my real life to ... connect with. So the demand on reality were to offer some ... interface of sorts - through which the own expanse can have meaning. Without it I'm just stuck in my favorite places, hypothesizing over how real or unreal they are.


Does it make sense? I mean, there's a general gist of things; One that seems to come with consolidated implications as there is a community I'm a part of. And that I definitely am. I mean, I can entertain the idea that I might not have known what I was getting into and all that - but I also would assume that the doors that God is opening aren't taking me to places that ... I should be afraid of should I have a desire to be somewhere. I mean, anywhere we might go - there probably are rules. As part of a social thing that's going on. Those rules are to accommodate the individuals that are a part thereof. And what some might understand to be normal life - is also bound to a set of rules that entertains individuals that take comfort existing like that. To me that however feels like agony - because I'd merely follow rules for some reason of fitting in. On the other hand are there rules like I find embedded into my Clarity - and while they might appear to be harrowing from a 'normal' perspective; They don't make me feel uncomfortable. Scared maybe - but not uncomfortable. I'm drawn in, in a way. So, I have to ask myself - per chance - what I want; And so is there a surface layer; As in: What to expect behind 'this' door? - and a depth layer as in: What's the general gist of where I want to be? Either way are there consequences - rules, opportunities, such and such. And so to me there is no question where I want to be. Actually.

But - like so - I don't have an effective understanding of what that means IRL. I only know that there's like ... my interface ... intersection ... whatever ... and that'll have to do.

Like: No need to think a million and a bazillion years ahead.


Now - it might be fair to assume that my understanding of what I am to expect is a bit naive. I mean, to borrow from where I'm currently at in my musings on those matters - which aren't far off from how I wrote of it in the extensive introduction to Neo Gnosticism - are we bound to each other through roles that we play. Thus our identity matters, in that it contains a sense of what freedoms it will need. Or more to the point: Which restrictions make the most sense for us individually - as they generally line up with what our freedoms seek. I mean, that's like ... what freedom is for. Right? To ... find happiness. Which in a social/intimate context is intrinsically tied to other people - and we can only really rely on them if there's some kind of consolidation going on. And while there may be space to switch things up ever so often - I'm under the impression that that's ... somewhat silly. But ... well.

I think however we can tell here - that to people like me, this whole 'identity' part really does matter a lot. So do we have a lot more going on there - because our individual evolution is heavily tied up with that of others. Naturally, I think, there's some tolerance or play - some trickery to maintain a degree of flexibility or universality - and possibly there's also a distinction to be made between "these and those".
What do I know?


But ... I think ... this is enough for now.