An unexpected experience / Update

Maybe it's too early to comment; And maybe commentary shouldn't be necessary. But ... uhm ... perhaps 'my problem' right now is a matter of my mode of operations.

And that I think could be a topic on its own - for, I notice that 'the mode of operations' and 'status quo' can be seen as intertwined. I mean, status quo would be, at first, in and of itself, I suppose, a term we use to describe "the way of things" in a social sense. Maybe we don't think of it as that, but I do think we can here talk about words and how we use them. So, something I've noticed while watching Hero shows (Titans, the new 'the Boys' spinoff) is that the word 'Hero' is sometimes merely descriptive of a "Person with Powers that isn't really actively a villain (yet)". Or, well, 'Superhero' for that matter. And the further we move from the concept of superpowers, the closer we get to the 'classic' concept of what a Hero is. And I had to wonder, in how far the term and concept of a Hero as present nowadays even still lines up with the classical one. So, if you only learn of the term 'Hero' in the context of "Superpowered Protagonist" - it might just be our own presumption that (young) people even know to use it in any other sense.
And I do agree, that there is such a thing as a "Hero of Woke" - which is supposed to be a derogatory term for the ego-driven, somewhat narcissistic "me against the world" anti-hero type of protagonist. I don't want to say that it can't be done well. I suppose everything can be done well, somehow. Unless there's something that can't be done well, but ... whatever. I mean, there's a very clear bottom line to that which is worth highlighting - but I don't think it works well without the proper setting. But ... well. Anyhow ...

So, this "way of things" - the status quo - is a mode of operations; We might say derived from certain anchor points. And sure, wokeness does develop as a counter-alignment to those things. Which then lends itself to the various goods and bads and ulgies and such.


Anyway ... generally, my mode of operations is to take something that concerns me; And expand upon it. Usually there's a point of view or analytical vector to it - but for what concerns me now, that isn't the case.

And so I was thinking, after I got around to doing some other stuff, that maybe I should think of it as an update.


My housing situation is really perplexing me right now. Since August I do have a new appartment; And since September my current ... well ... "current" ... housing situation should have ended. That means, I have signed a new renting contract, the old one got cancelled - while for August the rent for both places has been paid due to some bad timing. So now rent is being paid for my new appartment - not for this place anymore; But because the owners of this place know of my situation I'm still allowed to live here until matters got resolved.
Due to my financial and unemployment situation, I'm entitled to aid. I currently get that in form of UBI/Citizen Money (Bürgergeld) - which includes rent (there's a limit to how much they'll pay) and health insurance. And my new place does actaully happen to be cheaper, by the way - possibly, for the most part, because there's no social service attached to it. Eventually, in the near future, I'll transition to 'Apprenticeship Money' (Ausbildungsgeld) - which is slightly more than I get now and is paid by another institution. It's kind of complicated - also the two institutions used to be one and the same at some point; But I think of it as a two tier system. One of them being like the "cheap" version of the other; So also in terms of what is expected of the client.
But so the "Ausbildungsgeld" is then regarded as a kind of income that is counted against the citizen money - rather than it being some 'one or the other' type of thing - while functionally it still is a one or the other type of situation. Because I'll be receiving Ausbildungsgeld for the time I've been "apprenticing" - I'll get money for the past two month, which then will mean that I'll need to pay some of it back. It's ... somewhat complicated, is my point - and there sure is room for improvement. It just doesn't seem like a lot of smart people came together to figure something out.

So, what's the problem? The problem is ... basically threefold. Though one of the issues got ... well ... 'resolved' by now - though, 'resolved' is a bit of an overstatement. The first problem was that I couldn't get the keys for my new appartment until some security deposit had been paid. So far, because I don't have money, that was an easy fix. This institution (the cheap version, a.k.a. 'Jobcenter') would pay the deposit, and some amount (I don't know, 10 or 20 bucks) would be subtracted from the money I usually receive until the debt was paid. But then, for some reason, the folks there decided "Nope". The argument being some loose rambling over how I should have money - one argument being some overlap between UBI and Ausbildungsgeld the 6 month prior (the last 6 month of Rehab happened in form of what's called "Participation in the Working Life") - which amounts to 1.7k of debt, though they slightly overcalculated that - and another being that I still have a deposit for my "current" appartment and that I could use that. Except - they can't pay me that money until I've moved out. And I can't move out without a key to where I'm supposed to move in. Now, those 1.7k ... yes. At first there was some miscalculation and so it took extra time for the amount of money I should receive to be the right amount - and during that time I basically received double. Fair enough, but what pissed me off already was the way in which they got back at me. I mean - during rehab there was a bit of a back and forth already - though 'back and forth' may also be an overstatement. So it was hard to get a hold of someone at the Jobcenter, and we communicated that I also had some extra money and wanted to know what up with it. Where to pay it back to or whatever. No answer - so I decided to pay off some bills and debt and buy stuff ... because a) it was communicated to me (hinted at) that I'd pay it back like the deposit just mentioned, also I'd have the deposit fromt his place to add to it; And then also some extra money since I'd get more per month. Anyhow, ... the thing is, that so far I haven't heard from them regarding those 1.7k either. It only came up briefly regarding that deposit they didn't want to pay - which was like 2 month ago - where I had to tell them multiple times that I don't get my current deposit back until I moved out - but for how I'm supposed to pay those 1.7 now, well, nothing so far. So, I don't know or understand what the issue is. Ultimately I was a bit lucky (yea!) because Ausbildungsgeld was paid at the end of the month while the UBI thing is paid at the start of it. So, that means that at the end of Rehab I did kind of have double - at least I had enough, in part due to some roll-over from those 1.7 I guess, to pay a third of the deposit - which was enough to get the keys.
Now, the other two rates I had to pay from my UBI, which has me now already out of money for the month. So, yea ... 'lucky' in actually quotation marks. It shouldn't have been an issue in the first place.
And slowly I'm getting angry.
Now, issues two and three are why I'm still here in my old place. The first issue is that I can't carry my furniture down from the 4th floor - alongside roughly 15 boxes of stuff - as they suggest: On my own with maybe one person to help me. They'd pay a transporter, but that's it. What we requested was pay for a hauling company - which, yea, I guess is a luxury and I have to feel bad for being needie and what not; But that can't be the point here. All I can say is that I don't see how I'm supposed to (be capable of) handling this. I mean, what do I have? I have a mother - she's already retired from work. She has a husband who has a broken knee. I have a brother. And these are people I maybe see ... 2 or 3 times a year. Maybe more - but the thing is ... I'm reaching for straws here. I also have a friend who's like half my size and only eats salad - and now I also have a broken arm. It's still not really really functional yet. So, am I exaggerating my neediness? The thing is that they just assume that I could somehow get it done - where if I had a circle of friends that could help me, a circle I felt comfortable with asking, I'd ask them!
The second issue is that the new appartment doesn't have Kitchen nor a communal Washing Machine. Now, those are things I am entitled to. They denied me that on basis of: Having requested a hauling company which is indicative of me "having stuff". Well, funny ... that they then would move on to not pay the hauling company either!

So, maybe things started off a bit shaky; And after I broke my arm and asking a second time with more elaborate reasoning apparently they said OK - only the formalities had to be done - and that was like ... a month ago. And still not a single word for them. Which means, next week I'll have to look into that. Though I'm not sure what I can look into. I'll ask my contact (at the institution owning this place) what we can do because clearly this is unacceptable for if they don't even comment and just go silent for weeks and weeks - they clearly aren't doing their jobs! At the Jobcenter. I mean, maybe I was just lucky that so far I never had any problems with them - having moved before; Also utilizing a hauling company.
And yea - maybe these issues seem outlandish. For I'm upset over not getting money for basically just being needie - as though I were entitled to it. Or deserved it. And maybe my mother is right. Maybe I should just abandon my furniture and ... ask her to buy me new stuff - or wherever I'm supposed to get new furniture from. And maybe I also should consider just cooking with a kettle and a pot on the floor. At least I'm not homeless.
But I don't get it. I mean ... there are services - and if they had some hard reasons to deny me those ... I could say: OK, you're right! I mean, are we in the USA here?
I mean - it's just ... perplexing. Or should I say: Vexxing? And there isn't even a real story here, or is it?

I mean, lamps would be another topic, because the appartment didn't have those either - and as far as I was told as per the agreement my contact striked the Jobcenter wasn't going to pay those. Just Washing machine and Kitchen. Which sure, is fine by me. But that means that I still have to somehow get those lamps; Which, to be fair, is now already taken care of. My mother has been very kind and supportive - but my relationship with her is difficult, for me. Maybe there's a therapeutic need there - as so far during all the therapizing I got that was never really the topic. There always were other things going on that were more important.
And to my understanding this shouldn't even be the topic here. It is the topic because I make it so. Maybe it's the shady me feeling caught in a lie as I clearly maybe kind of have enough support to maybe somehow kind of get the things asked of me done. The thing is that I myself still couldn't really ... help. Certainly not now, with my arm. And by the way, I broke it on the monday after the friday where I got my keys. So, that was 5 weeks ago.
But yea, what is now ... 'fair' here? And what's like ... to maybe find a story in this somehow ... societies broader position here. For obviously ... if germany was run like the USA, I wouldn't have these issues. I'd probably be dead. Maybe I'd be prostituted - but, if germany was really run like the USA I'm not sure how well that'd be going too.
So at best, I guess, I'd be joining a bunch of schizo's loosely rambling into the ether about glowy orbs while being in and out of a shelter somehow.

I might also agree that maybe I shouldn't have bought a PS5. Because that's where a part of the 1.7 - or more like 1.5-1.6k went. At the time I was however already counting on moving - and I didn't think that this whole deposit nonsense was going to be a thing. And I paid off one debt that I was paying on a monthly basis - to then pay on a monthly basis in a way that was less stressful. Whatever. Sure, bad decisions - but to my understanding it's not like I really stole anything. Maybe that's Karma. Maybe stress is like a fixed thing in this universe - like energy; Which can neither be created or destroyed. Whatever the nuances be.
I mean, are these even things that should be going through my mind? Paranoid Magical Thinking? Really?

Just give me the Facts!


Hobbies: Well. I've started to work on my Videogame again. Though I'm not really sure if I'll really get around investing time in it, it has come up alongside the whole 'new appartment' thing. I mean - since I've started my coding project, I've been moving 5 times. At first I lived with my Grandparents. Then I lived in a brothel/sex-motel/bdsm-club, then I lived in two shelters and then in two appartments. And all this time I had been burdened somehow. I mean, this too could maybe be sorted into matters of superstition or esoterics like Karma or paranoid magical thinking; But it always felt like my living situation was governed by a condition that would impair or inhibit what I was allowed to do. It's always been a thought somehow. That God would impose this ruling upon me as ... a way of good manners. Because I was doing my thing - and clearly operating at max warp on those things - I shouldn't be completely mindless concerning my environment. Well, although I very well was - in a way - there's a way of saying that God didn't fully support it. Maybe it is by way of ire, that people would look at me, expecting certain things; Things that were to an extent justified.
It was a giving and a taking. So, while I was with my grandparents - what I took was the material privilege that I was born into to boost my studies. That still makes up the actual foundation of what I want to share on this platform. And it would seem as though my coding efforts did fit into that, but going further I'd basically be an indie dev living by my grandparents. So, I guess we can see the issue there. Like, I wouldn't even be a dev - just ... devving however.
Thereafter I took my spare time for private matters. During that time I got accustomed to Linux, got into WoW, Starcraft II and Street Fighter IV, tinkered around on a Netbook that I bought - but I could never really get past the "just for fun" or "curiosity" part of it.
In those shelters - well, there probably was really no grounds for doing any kind of coding. And so at first the issue was to improve my living conditions anyway. So it wasn't until I had a spot for a more long term sheltering - that I could do some coding; But ... ultimately what I had to take there, was time to think about my life. These two appartments that I "lived" in (well, I still do live in the latter ... technically) - they also roughly meet the criteria of 'shelter'. The more accurate term is "stewarded/supervised living". And there are two forms of that. There's a sort of psychiatric supervision for people that just generally do need help - and there's what I'm living under, which is 'for people with social difficulties', which is primarily about housing and paperwork and bills and all that. And effectively the end-goal is to help people out of those difficulties. Which is technically where I'm at now. And looking back I did accomplish a lot. And the 'contacts' I had - or I suppose a better term would be stewards/supervisors - had no small part in this. It sure is how I got psychiatric help, was able to start my transition, got therapy, started the rehab - and found a new appartment. I'm like, a completely different person now. Although - sitting here, writing this, that part is still ... there.

But so - thinking of the new Appartment, I feel like I can finally be free to more actually live. For as long as I can maintain the apprenticeship; And then also find employment thereafter - once that starts to count; Mine is the ire I have to respect. I mean, the idea is to not get UBI so the Jobcenter's demands won't apply - though that might also be an easier way. Like, there are ways. But I found a profession that I enjoy ... and so that's my way now.
So - possibly it doesn't matter whether so or so - as in my own house ... or appartment rather ... my own rules. Next to the rules of the house, so ... maybe that's ... something to look into. But ... yea, I don't have the kind of money to be any more free. Yet.

So ... I'm curious. Or excited. While so far ... to be honest ... I didn't feel like I really needed to get out of here. I mean, it's like a flow. I still had things to write about ... basically to say that mentally I haven't really moved yet. I would think that this will come as soon as I have a date for when I need to have all my stuff packed - because that's also when I can pack up my Laptop/this computer. And my Playstation. And my French Press. And move on.
So - yea. Maybe it's something like that. Proper closure. Else I'd have to think that someone's F***ing with me.

But yea, I'm looking forward to ... seeing what I can do with my time.


Anticipation: The real topic here. Things feel different once they're real. Or, Anticipation only lasts until the Anticipated has come or gone. With the grey area being an anticipation for things that won't ever come. Or go. Like, word from the Jobcenter maybe. And so, chances are that time will for the most part just go by as it used to. So, while I feel like things are shifting for me - being myself more curious about building my game engine and upgrading my books - there's an anticipation that has already gone. I suppose the thing is that technically the time has already come but also have I not really moved on to doing anything differently.

Another thing that's weird is ... how I feel about Clarity now. But yea - this whole time ... taking my time to think about my life ... basically revolved around that. And to a large part that was a struggle of saying the things that would matter. So would I state certain things with a certain ... anticipation. "This is the truth, this is how it is - alas it is so" - but the only noticable thing I ever got from that was a kind of hangover. Well, up until recently at least. And then, still - 'it' was always like ... unclear. Not to me, but ... there was always some drive to ... "say it". Over and over again.
And that's what finally went into those Glyphs. Maybe the third needs to be rewritten somehow - but generally the gist of it wouldn't change. And so, I think, I started to feel what it's like once 'finally' I can somehow shut up about it. I mean, the pressure has reversed. Or ... however to put it. That's also expressed in the third Glyph; And maybe the normies can now also learn what it means to be supposed to exist in a world that isn't really yours.

The thing is that I don't really feel comfortable just yet. But I also don't really know why just yet either. But maybe that's beyond ... the whole taking of time for thinking of my life part.
I just realize ... . Anticipation is a bit of a tool I got used to using. Back when I was yet just about to find a new appartment, for instance, I had to somehow figure out how much to commit to it, and when. To fit with my schedule. Or at least some abstract equivalent that works for me. And I felt like ... maybe the whole 'new appartment' business was going too fast. Eventually however I found a window that made sense - though now we're also already way past that. But ... I suppose in as far as I felt comfortable about the situation, so far ... things have played out rather well.

And so, maybe ... that's the point for now. I'm done thinking of my life ... I guess ... and I suppose I'm ready to move on.

Well, when is one ever ready? I don't know - but ... I do very well feel complementary harmony with the concept of change right now.


And I guess ... that's that!