A narrow margin

Since this won't make a lot of sense without addressing the headline first, I think, ... uhm. No. The headline won't make much sense if not addressed directly, and there isn't really a point - I don't think - to addressing it at any point but this.
Uhm ...
Anyhow. So ...

I was thinking. Or more like ... torn between various states of cognitive existence. And those concern you (plural, common) in as far as they don't make a lot of sense for me in isolation. Like, if at any point you might wonder who I am - or if I at any point might try to tell you who I am ... you or I respectively might question how I might know. Well, ignoring the simple matter of what's on my ID card.
And it's an on and off type of thing - which at the end of the day amounts to some kind of mix between uncertainties and the good ol' maybe/it depends. Not that it is all that uncertain though, but sure enough, it depends.

It depends also in as much as that I wasn't entirely clear up there, given that at times those concerns do matter to me in isolation. Though I'm sure they yet depend on some broader social environment.


So might there be questions for how to properly address me, or refer to me. And the answer to that, well, depends on ... things ... I suppose, as ... that's how I feel. While for myself, in my own isolation I do have a certain freedom to express myself, the more ... on point that expression needs to be, the more those ideas shift and fluctuate - in effect. Or, some do more and others less. And given how I might also in effect rely on those for various reasons, it would seem prudent to further elaborate on the ins and outs; Though on the other end it might be wiser to find something that doesn't shift and fluctuate in dependence of how you might look at it.

And so, in all of what I would think is me ... there's like, only a narrow margin that might actually be of any significance, to you at any given point in time.


But well. We might start with the trinity. God has it/is one - and I in a way do too. Seriously. I mean, there's "Athena" - or so: The Mother; A.k.a. the smart and prudent me that ... cares and stuff. Then there's "Gaia" - or so: The Spirit/Ghost; A.k.a. the part that's of God in extension of my being - otherwise perhaps regarded as "the Phoenix Force"; Beyond which there might be even more ways to ID it. I'd stick to Gaia for now as the corresponding image also happens to quint-essentially describe ... me in that regard. Well. And then there's "Amaterasu" - or so: The Daughter; A.k.a. ... a controversy on and off worth talking/writing about.

And while that is so, well and fine, reasonable and reasonably solid - it also ... fails at meeting the criteria imposed earlier. And so there wouldn't be much of a point in getting any deeper into that. Most of it should be relatively clear already anyway.

And sure. I'm curious why that is. Why it doesn't hold up. Because it ... should, for all I care. And not being able to, requires me to move on. Which then makes me feel cheap, as I'd be like a child that got bored of its toys. But perhaps it is so; As though I'm a snake that ever so often sheds its skin in favor of a new one.

But, eventually the problem there is really simple. As soon as you try to see those titles in relation to their origin - it just doesn't make honest sense to say that I AM THE LITERAL Athena, for instance. Although I might quite literally be. For it yet to be utterly so, the rest of the mythology would also have to kind of be ... literally real; And since that isn't the case ... Athena doesn't quite actually exist. So are these titles shorthands for concepts that may help me profile myself but ultimately ... they don't really meet "the demand". And what that demand is does stand a bit more clearly now; Being an urge for something standalone.


It would make sense. And like so is there only a narrow Margin for those titles to have made any sense ever. And that explains why I feel a little cringe using them, as beyond them there are further mythological figures that I'd ID as. So ... it's neither here nor there - and hence I feel them shift and fluctuate.

It's not that "they" are 'wrong' though. I mean, that'd be too harsh of a take-away from this. But still ... they aren't sufficient for me to have peace. I mean, this whole process is a bit of a back and forth. I in essence propose something to you (plural, general) - and then gage how I feel about it. It however isn't just about You. I mean, when it comes to ID-ing as a Goddess or Athena or Amaterasu ... if I for instance knew that anyone I knew personally knew that I seriously ID'd that way, I'd be ashamed of myself. I think. I mean, it's one of my fears/worries. That ... anyone might get to know about it. Eventually I suppose they might come to terms with it; And that's where I also find myself. God cares about me understanding myself - as of which I understand that the title of Queen doesn't quite cut it. I mean, there's a similar cringiness to it, but ... it's certainly more on point. But I also feel like I'd need some serious power to make it work. It's one of those "if it doesn't fit, make it fit" type of situations. I mean, any name - real or not - or title that gained infamy did at the end of the day most likely do so due to actions or accomplishments. Like how the title of "Queen" for so long effectively meant as much as "Queen of England". Which sure is like a heavy duty title to flex with. I mean, it ought to be somewhere on par with "King of Egypt". So, I'd need a little something extra to make up for its shortcomings - is what I'm trying to say. Something beyond what I bring to the table already.

And so, I'm also thinking that 'unique' might be a criteria. Standalone and Unique. Something 'me'. Which kind of got me to think about one of my first nicknames/online aliases: Five Elements' Child. Or Five Elementz Chylde. Which is from a time where 'the Legend of Cereylla' was still the fuel of my Daydreams. The Legend of Cereylla on the other hand being what sprung forth from ... stuff ... that has me believe that I in my former life tried to write something called 'the Silmarillion'. The Five Elements part being on the one hand clearly inspired by the movie 'the Fifth Element', but only in as much as proposing something such as a fifth element - in the sense of: Something that defies the formal expectation; In this case represented by the four elements. And so - between these and possibly other sources of inspiration the origin story of Cereylla was conceived as a confluence between the four elements. A kind of Big Bang which, now that I think of it, doesn't make a whole lot of sense. But where they in turn came from didn't matter as much as what came from them.
And I'm not exactly sure when it was, but first I somehow dropped my creative endeavors and then it wasn't until I got into the ninedom that I found some new creative ambition; That time around breeding over the Myth of Agoraeyah. Though there I really didn't bother with an Origin Story so far.
And with it came a fancy for ... less "in your faceness". Or rather, a taste for what we might call: a creative kind of humility. And that helped mixing things up a bit. For every game I would think of a new ID, sometimes aligning it to Characters from some fiction of mine. Na-Asim, Kold, Paruga, Natea, Mansalanas for instance. And by now I've settled with Total Eclipse. Which, I suppose, is a way of ... "wait for it" ... saying: Corona.

Anyway. It's born from some kind of tiredness and getting actually settled somehow. But all of that is neither here nor there. It's just trivia.


You might read from that, that there isn't really a unique or independent kind of understanding I developed that solves my issue here. Well, other than the cumulative effect.

Well, cumulative effect ... . There's something about 'the Daughter' part - where, yes - I'm the Wife of the Father, not the Son - sotospeak, while in the Daughter part none of that matters. It's just how things roll, but ... it's also an issue if you don't want to get confused or have to solve a gnostic/estoeric puzzle each time it gets mentioned.

And then, obviously - by now, Goddess is also a bit weird. I mean, by what one would imply I'm not actually a or the Goddess as such a thing doesn't really exist. And if it does, it's me, but that's not necessarily what you'd think - and so ... that.


But then there was a title or term or definition or description or whatever that came to my mind, ... that does really seem like ... it holds some water. Which is why I'm going to propose it here, as it were; So, not as a maybe but more of a ... for the time being/possibly indefinite bottom line to this.

Yours sincerely

The Penultimate