Difficulties explaining myself - Explicit

... are gone?

So ... there is a thing; Where I try and try to explain myself and I get this feeling that no matter how hard I try, it's not going to be understood. Maybe a few do, or will, but given that I'm still isolated from the processes of comprehension, I cannot deny or verify that which is presumed. And that would be pretty much valid for all sorts of things.
Then, on the other hand, I might not understand what I try to explain properly either.
Though, that should be like a next step. There's what I 'mean' - or understand - and then the question of how right or wrong I am about it.
So ... it's complicated.

Not so much then, when people really do understand what I mean; As per chance by means of personal experience. But - I suppose there ought to be words of caution when it comes to that sort of thing too.


And so we have that problem. In a sense. At least in theory, on paper, nothing is understood - but that which works - and "lives" - within the "motions" of a culture or society. And that also only thrives within a given culture and respective offshoots. So is religion a thing that I've experienced to be ... more about cultural understanding than what a given religion claims or argues to be ... like ... on paper.

But it isn't only religion. I think it's fair to say that subconsciously, people's primary motivation is in adherance to cultural spaces of their own choosing. Or likeness. And I use 'people', here, is analogous with "heathen" or "gentile". So, though the things also apply to me; I'd still exclude myself because I certainly think that my cultural adherance is the right one. From that perspective I'm wondering: What's wrong with everyone else?
Naturally you should read this with a bit of cynicism then, but overall I yet want to imply that there's right and wrong - and being entrenched in cultural spaces that maintain falsehoods should in that regard be taken as a negative. To not speak of absolutes, there sure are tolerances. But at the end of the day I think the issue is between making excuses for those - and trying to pro-actively improve one's self. Not only - and in this sense also not at all - as an individual, but regarding one's cultural identity.


And so I think religion speaks to that, in that it offers us some kind of guidance - an unspoken promise - of cultural cohesion. A list of things - commandments, mantras, whatever - that one can incorporate into their way of life to thus be ... "culturally sound".
And ... we kind of don't have that. We can try, but boiled down into its essence are we yet to be individuals - through our individual and personal relationship with God.

That however won't come to thrive if there is no one else that does the same. Then life is just what it is, as a product of the many different ways in which people think about it. And naturally that makes it difficult, if not impossible, to find sound cultural cohesion therewith.


Naturally - sex and sexuality ... are subject to that issue as well. I mean, we could say: Although we all have "it" in common - but actually we really don't. And yea, sex and sexuality is like how it is with one's individual relationship with God. It's intimate, personal and not really supposed to exist in the public domain. And respectively everyone makes up their own thing - because, at least in the idea, at first, it shouldn't have any bearing on our cultural cohesion. However, the moment 'mating' becomes a concern, bridges need to be found. Here then a good sex-life essentially requires the participants to have cultural cohesion.

And same with God.
Though, when it comes to God I think we can make an easier case for ... hmm, what are we talking about?


Whatever ... regarding Sex and Sexuality there are a variety of discomforts I have regarding "society". As for what I'm concerned about here, the issue would be that speaking of Sex, each and everyone - say - has a different relationship with it. There are reasons then, why we'd prefer it to be an intimate matter. Why we want boundaries; And stuff. I sure have some. But once I so am presenting the matter in a public sense, where based on individual preference or choice we could just "join in", the matter isn't presented in respects to those boundaries. The two ideas would seem to be diametrically opposed. And so, for instance, people with the corresponding kinks might yet hold on to their boundaries, while people without them might find the idea interesting - at least in the idea. To say, we get a weird imbalance of individual attitudes towards the topic. And, yea, any amount of sober and sane rationality ... should sooner or later acknowledge the need for boundaries.
What remains then, that's at least how "it comes back to me", is that Porn exists - being some kind of mirror that allows us to peek around the corner, or look at the other side of the wall, while being there is perceived as maybe a nice fantasy but nothing to be real about. It's fiction, it's entertainment.
And then I'm kind of left alone with "those" - so, in the ether - that do actually exist around that corner; Or on the other side of the wall. So, Sex-Traffickers, Rapists ... that sort of thing.


So - I have my boundaries and by those I think ... that that's not really where I want to be. Or what I'm talking about. And while I think that I did explain myself well in those terms; It doesn't change that by 'lived experiences' the progression of logic would seem to inevitably take me there.

Because, well, what do I want? I prioritize all the terms that ... would take me there. Rape, Abduction, ... enslavement. Instead of ... . Whatever ...

The thing however is - and I should at some point grow tired of re-iterating - that I'm still talking of a safe-space. Personal Relationships, Love, Sympathies, Synergies ... that sort of thing. And concerning my feelings or emotions, that ... "nasty stuff around the corner" ... keeps interfering. It is like fertile ground for the ideas that I express; While nobody - say - wants to invite the habits, norms and all that, that exists there, into their private life.
But so ... I tell you this now just to have put it out there ... that glimpse into that "world" goes through a door that needs to be forcefully shut.


So, let's try this again

Through God we can have access to what we might call "inner Sanctum". An individual thing - at first. It is at first a space of possibilities. ...

And then there's LUST. Unholy Lust. Of which I don't know whether it's locked behind a door or not. I'm however of the mind to write of it as though it's not. So, it would be freely accessible to anyone. Which then is like a key ... to some part of one's inner Sanctum. So, that key either takes one to a happy place - or not. But one has to be careful to take the right key.

So, those that find their happy place, or a happy place, with it - hmm. Well, with that we get to what I might initially have described as "audacity". It's a way of saying "I'm into it" - but with more oomph. So with a given understanding that it's not given or imposed, but there for the taking. And so, initially at least, we might only commit to it reluctantly. So, with a lot of "if"s and stuff. As a hypothetical.

This inner Sanctum then, it gets to be a little bit more specific than that. It is THE hypothetical that we then commit to as ... what we choose for ourselves, IF the implied conditions are met. But as of that it's constructed over time. The key takes us to places that we might then try to rationalize into our actual Happy Place.
To go onto a little tangent: My issue, or Story, with Monica Bellucci so far is, that - taking a sober and unbiased position about it - I've gotten myself into a bit of a situation. Not exactly as all the other situations of that nature I've gotten myself into, but maybe kind of sort of like them. I still maintain that it isn't that I fell in Love with her per se. But that I yet fell into something that also changed my mind about Love at large. Prior to that, Love was - for me - all about emotions. Strong feelings of attachment. That sort of thing. And thinking of Monica, in those terms, "sent" me into some kind of safe space. From those emotions. So, comfort - then possibly itself an emotion - yet as ... well, built on a deep sense of peace.
Over time I developed a relationship with that peace. Thinking of her was like entering a sactuary. So, if I was in emotional turmoil, thinking of her gave me peace. That is, so, at night. Trying to sleep. Eventually I then also developed feelings for her. But between those feelings; What it means to have them; And that peace - I'm also confused. Those feelings would have me say that I'm in Love with her - but that's a kind of Love that I've somehow grown to reject. To say, I don't like the idea that having those feelings should mean anything. If I Love her, I want to Love >her< - not the feeling. I also find those feelings tempting. They're a tease. They ... emphasize my loneliness. They "energize" my yearning for a partner. But as with the other situations like that which I've gotten myself into - those feelings aren't connected to visions of torment. So, I don't feel like chasing a dream, or running after something that gets more and more distant with every step I take towards it. Instead ... it has made me feel homesickness.
On top of that ... God seems to take her to my heart. "Her" - in the sense that she is an idea that gives me all those things - practically like a plushie. Something I can embrace while I try to fall asleep. And when I'm in doubt over it - and start to believe that it's all nothing - I start to feel sick. Not because I've grown too attached and start to suffer some kind of withdrawal. There isn't even an attachment like that. One that I build by investing emotional energy into the fantasy. One that makes me feel bad 'thinking' of letting go of it. Because there is no such attachment, it's easy for me to just let go. But then my heart starts to feel sick. Like shards of broken glass that get thrust into it. A sickly depression. And as I try to understand it - I realize that this thing ... this peace ... this beauty of it ... is ... like ... of existential importance to me. To think that it's a lie ... has me loose all faith in any kind of intimate relationship. That that carries over into how I feel in terms of Clarity. My Lust is still there all the same - except ... without that place of peace to call my home.

Anyhow ... where was I?
Anyway I think it's fair to say that I don't really have a clue of how all the different things I find in my inner Sanctom fit together. At least it's good argumentatively to say that they don't have to. If we individually find space for something in our inner Sanctum, it's there and that's that.
But of course ... with people it's a little bit more complicated.
But technically I don't need 'her' to be something specific. I only need her to also have me in hers. The worse case scenario might just be that when I share time with her it's entirely removed from how else I spend my time. And as I there don't need to be concerned about how she spends her time outside of that, she doesn't need to be concerned about how I do.

But that aside ... in essence I'm still looking for 'the right people'. And if I'm not supposed to base my understanding thereof on my emotional perception of certain individuals - I'm still curious of what 'uncertain individuals' there might be.

Well, as for my Clarity, I have no issues submitting myself to "uncertain individuals". In essence my Clarity implies that I don't have - at first at least - a personal connection to those that dominate me. But ... I don't think I'm overstepping any boundaries by implying that I'm special and that there are certain consequences to these kinds of conditions that are of greater importance. Regardless - that's certainly how everyone should think of themselves. As ... too important to make stupid decisions. Maybe you're as insignificant, in the grand scheme of things, as it gets. Someone ... certainly is. But even more so should you then realize that the best you can do is the best for yourself. I mean ... if say nobody else is going to watch out for you, you should.

Anyway ... I guess this comes as a reminder to myself, that ... I have in fact thought this through somewhat - and that I am quasi prepared to settle with "Randos"; As in essence everyone but one's self is at first a Rando. Certainly given that we're speaking of "new Space" without any clue or guarantee of whom we are to meet therein.


How we'd get there is at first; And technically; Also rather simple. Almost trivial. Or utterly trivial. Once we share a shared understanding of the Ninedom - to say: People who are 'in' get together with the understanding that they're with others that are 'in' - it's a simple thing to roughly state "how they're aligned". Individual collectives can further connect with others - or will certainly do so - and through those connections certain individuals will be exalted as representatives. Some representatives will be representatives and others would just be ... "strays" looking for "theirs". So, apart from a unified, universal Church that ought to come from that, we'd also expect individual collectives to emerge. Such as an Unholy one. Here we can right away surmise that Lust will be an essential aspect; So that any kind of order that emerges therein is implicitly aligned to it. So, being myself a part of it; I'd be present by how that Lust presents me.

And so - with all the talk of rape and abduction the matter is that it's entirely beside the point somehow to talk about that. Though say I would go to one such gathering entirely on my own, by my own motivation, energy and whatever else; Once there, I'm a slave. And so, the entire concern of how I get to be that - well - is utterly irrelevant.


If we want to get into the nitty and gritty - the first problem is that I ... DO ... have certain personal motivations of being there. Depending on how life goes, it might just be to silence the yearning or have a little bit of fun. Whatever. So, when drawing from one of those backgrounds where I'm abducted and forcefully enslaved - that might not align with how I'd feel at the time.
SO is there like ... backstory and 'presence'. 'Presence' would be ... whatever "the thing is". Because I'm a Slave, "my thing" is in service to those that get to dominate me. Preferably "raw and uncensored". Though that, I'd say, is already too specific.

It shouldn't be that complicated.
And what makes it different to just normally fucking around is the Lust that gets us there. And if I have to explain this any further I start yelling!


I mean, why go through the motions to explicitly introduce the concept of Unholy Lust - to then go to elaborate a bit more clearly - if by the time any of that comes to matter it's entirely forgotten or discarded again?
Uhm, Sorry. I may have to explain myself. It is this stinkin' door. My point - my whole entire point - is to explain how Lust works. Give or take. Also what comes from it. But, "behind that door" there are those that don't want it to work. So - to my mind at least there's always this ... confounded understanding. In a sense it's about me - to say something like: "What I want requires this and that". But no. Unholy Lust is the thing. In my Safespace. Hypothetically Hypothetical. It possibly isn't about me though, but about disrupting what comes of it. Because they have no place in it. Or they don't want it. Whatever. You'd have to ask them. Or God.
Their hope, so it would seem, is that disrupting this thing would also disrupt the whole. Though they'd try to disrupt as much as possible anyway. My hope on the other hand is that as people gain access to the truth, we can - little by little - mend that which is broken.

But so: God is like our Server - and with our Key we log in, having an Identity that we log in with. So, I'm a Sex Slave. That is part of "my build" - and so, as I log in I want to do Sex-Slave things. That means I'm looking forward to being with people that want to do things with Sex-Slaves; And that's it!


Anyway ... let's move on. Backstories matter for once to explain how we feel. When we're in the midst of it all that won't matter. So, to use my most recent fantasies as an example:

In my fantasy where I'm getting enslaved by my Son, there are - from the get go - a variety of fantasies about how. Whether it be with Sleeping Pills to rape me - or to play on some dirty secret from the past, esoteric bonds, occult charms, whatever - blackmail, seduction, witchcraft - is utterly irrelevant.
However: I get, that some may have difficulties understanding these things as anything but the literal event. So, if it's blackmail it's blackmail. If it's rape it's rape. And there's a core of truth to that.

Those stories have their own little something about them. Each possibly also with an ever so slightly different outcome. Like, the forbidden fruit only tastes sweet for as long as it stays forbidden. But that I think is bullshit. To call it "the forbidden fruit" in the first place is ... a figure of speech. Like so, committing to it, with God's blessing, should already imply that it isn't forbidden per se. It's more like ... sacred. Special. And I think we all have these things - these passing pleasures. Like opening a present; Or your new Computer/Console/whatever - for instance. Putting on some new clothes. Pleasures that appear to be too unique to be replicable. So, that perfect ice-cream on that perfect summer afternoon.
The thing is - we might so want to replicate that perfect ice-cream on that perfect summer afternoon, focussing on what we can: Ice cream. But that experience that we chase would encompass so much more. And yea, the more we are at peace with our inability to control all of it, the better that ice-cream will be, I say. Or, if getting that ice cream on a particularly good summer afternoon is just trouble, it might not even be the ice-cream that "makes it".

It might seem that Unholy Lust is all about the Kick. Excitement. And that there is a kick to it, excitement, is certainly to be expected. It so comes from a somewhat harsh change of conditions. While we are ordinarily expected to live in a certain way, adhering to certain norms, our attachment to the darkness eventually builds up - so that once we can "unhinge ourselves" it may come as a sudden flood. Once it subsides, or wasn't that strong to begin with, what's left is "the shame" or whatever from living in contrast or contradiction to those norms we otherwise adhere to. And once that has become the norm, well ... what remains is whatever took or keeps us there.
"Unless" ... our pleasure is with something unique about the initial moments of this.

And so does my Clarity Cypher feature an arrow. At its origin "it reads": 'Brainwashed' - and its destination reads 'Slut/Bitch'. This is certainly aligned to that transition. To say that 'Brainwashing' is all about the Kick, and 'Slut' about what it leads into.
I mean - if I were to be abducted and raped and all that - that what would make me find a positive alignment with that ... hmm ... perhaps that part requires emphasis.

So, are we of the understanding, that what I want is exclusively the Rape part - or is there an understanding that there's a Slut in me that just generally enjoys being sexually passive/submissive/devote?

Anyway. As for the incestuous Mother in me, there are like two modes. The one leans into the rape fantasy - extending on that as much as possible; And the other is just the implied consequence without all the window dressing. So - wanting to get raped is practically a contradiction because 'getting raped' - if we want to be strict about it - is against what one wants. More to the point then do I want to get fucked - or have Sex - and that also is something we might focus on.
There; And if that means (to you) that I don't want to get raped, nor abducted or any of the things I'd otherwise claim I want - then so be it; I would still ... "feel myself in the submissive position". Because ... I'm a slut. Or bitch. A Ho. Still very much to the effect that I don't take initiative - at least not explicitly so - but moreover expect to exist in 'the appropriate conditions'.


Are we following?

So, here's a thing: As for rape, abduction and brainwashing fantasies; There too are a variety. As for the two general flavors: There is one outcome where I'm a brainwashed thrall - and one where I'm perpetually kept in a state of agony. The difference, to me, at first is in how I feel about the situation. That is: whether I feel like submission is what gives me what I want or not.
It might seem like it's supposed to be a 'static' element. Like, either I do or don't want to submit - and whatever it is is valid for eternity. But like I'm excited by a variety of possible outcomes; I assume my counterparts are too. So it would also depend on what they want. So, if they're interested in something more personal, they'd care about my explicit consent. Preferably to some explicit set of conditions that align with their interests.
Rape would here basically just be a matter of prioritizing 'their' sex drive over mine. And the way I see it, being a Sex-Slave is all about enabling 'personal/individual dominance' - so, rape. Here I would suspect that acknowledging that I'm also into humiliation (passive) states as much as what people would care to know. That is - it's not that I need to be humiliated, but that getting raped can also be humiliating. I'd say it is one of those ... harmless, "casual" ways of experiencing the power dynamic.
And I hope that I'm here not explaining things as much as I'm affirming people in what they're already saying.

But so - because there are many different things we 'could' do - if we had the opportunity to live 'new' lives - it's not as simple as stating what my favorite thing is. That too 'should' change over time. At least ... depending on how we define 'favorite'. I mean, if I took my 'favorite' thingS - and somehow made a whole out of them - that might still leave me with something that's not going to work out in this lifetime.
And in that sense there's like always the most recent thing. What made me horny the last time I got horny - is already beyond what got me horny the time prior. And I can also say that I wouldn't appreciate the last one as much as I did, if all the stuff I appreciated prior to that hadn't been.

I mean ... so far I've for once come to establish a baseline. There's a variety of beginnings and some endings. And that's ... as of late. So, it's more like ... yet another baseline. Hmm ...

Well - in the spirit of cooperation, openness and unholy Lust - I tell you this: I guess that often times I'm just avoiding to write about certain things because I'm ashamed. So, one of the things that has only entrenched itself deeper and deeper - and that so for a long time - is that I think I need to get "facefucked". That so to the point that I mentally adjust to it as the norm - so that whatever else I'm involved in contrasts with that.
And ... there's something that needs to be explained there; But apart from what I have in mind I think I just stumbled upon something "new".

For me at least, this seems to be in part about playing with the kick and the excitement. So, when I masturbate for instance - it seems to be so that I'm jumping back and forth between fantasies that I enjoy - and eventually my mind will jump to something entirely different and that's when I cum. The next time I would try to start with that, but then again I jump back and forth between (aligned) fantasies until I yet again think of something entirely different. At least that's been my more recent experience. Now that I understand this ... hard to tell.

Regardless - I understand that in real life my mind does very quickly adjust to things. Or certain things. And stress also has something to do with it. So, things with a higher stress factor also 'stick quicker'. Long story short that then takes me to moments where after I was intensely occupied with a thing, I feel as though I've done it forever. And I also find it easier to get into things that have a high stress factor than into things that don't. Like so, between Dwarf Fortress and more stressful games - I would generally like to enjoy Dwarf Fortress but to really do so I need to be in a specific mood.
And so, in as far as there's a norm that I'd want for my life - I'd need something to contrast it with.


And so, to get back to what I'm trying to say here - all that is very specific. I guess it almost warrants me to write some kind of manual. But that wouldn't matter without someone to take like ... individual care for me. So, someone who may own me - to then present me accordingly. And the further removed from that place I be - the more impersonal and respectively 'generic' my conditions would, or should be.

And so, if my son had raped and broken me - so I were his pet - and he'd then invite his friends over; They wouldn't care much about what he did. Is ... basically what I'm saying here.

And between me and him - what matters is that we're enjoying ourselves.
Like so - I have a distinct feeling or impression that generally he cares about my consent. He wants to know that my pussy is his - that I, however we got there, am his to toy with. Thereby I also have a very distinct impression that he has a variety of ideas of what to do with that. Generally he seems to be curious about ... raping me.
"Opposed" to that is the condition where I'm abducted - and he, abductor rather than son, cares about rape against my consent. So, going more into torture than enslavement.


Is there a point to this?

Whatever the case, time is a bitch.