The Shattering

On and off I'm having aspirations of grandeur; And along with it comes a kind of confusion that manifests itself between some sense of certainties and my conception of reality. Broken down into pieces, one of the ideas I have to tackle to come to a resolution - or so it seems - is that me maintaining my humble attitude, trying to be sensitive and reasonable, "being human" ... might come accross as aggrovating, being some kind of arrogance. So, it's about the image I project of myself, willingly or not, and what people want to, hope to, or whatever to perceive.

Like, at first I would thereto like to argue that I cannot, or should not, express myself in ways that are difficult or impossible to substantiate. I would have that as a thought, figure that it makes sense - to so maintain a critical mind - and that'd be the end of that.
But then I had to think that I'm not entirely moving in the realm of science. With my stuff. Some things just happen to be ... like locked behind a paywall of faith - and it would seem to me personally, that the more I lean against that, the more I try to maintain an ideal of perfection that in turn has me dehumanize myself.


So, one of the things I thought of writing about are my flaws. These days, specifically ... well, I would have to first think a bunch about some stuff to properly formulate it, so ... skipping that. The point being that I do have a bit of a vile heart. It's suffering darkness. Harboring hatred, spite, cynicism ... and on and off I have a harder time pushing those things back than usual. Now, that certainly can't lead to me arguing that I should ... embrace my hatred, spite, cynic... uhm ... and all that. Or can it?
I'm not sure, but ... just like that ... I surely wouldn't.

But there's the thing ... where, being friendly to people cannot always be squared with being honest to people. And the entire thing of friendliness OR honesty isn't a simple right or wrong either. I could be honest - yet say nothing of substance or relevance to anyone but my ego; While also unneccessary shitting on everyone around. And what would THAT do for me?

I also have to be prepared that at some point I might be vastly existing on basis of my legacy. Being a face and a name attached to ideas and concepts that are being appreciated; Yet also a canvas for folks to project their beliefs onto. Being myself a magnet for appeals to authority.

That might so send me down one line of reasoning, which is however countered by also considering time and what effect that would have on people that come to learn more of me; Where at the end of it all ... we're all Siblings - regardless of what makes us different from each other.


So, at the end of the day I think I'm looking at a trap. And the first insidious thing about it were, that my own perception of it might not line up with your perception of it. Like ... the trap itself might be in part fueled by you - by misguided expectations perhaps, that combine with those of others, giving me the impression that I should act or behave a certain way in order to be truly me ... or rather: Who I'm meant or supposed to be. After all ... I'm human and thus forever still growing. So, there's a chance ... let's say ... that I might yet grow to become the person you think I should be.

Whether it's a trap or not - whatever it is, it has an effect on me. Merely by virtue of stirring something within me that calls for a response eventually. All this confusion, or say ... this maelstrom of more and less developed ideas, feelings, concepts, beliefs and what not; That is pressure weighing down on me that will inevitably require me to find an alignment with it. But also it might change. Or more to the point: I expect it to. It already has ... a couple of times. I mean ... a few times so far I found myself under pressure to produce something - but after a day or two ... maybe three ... that pressure lifted.
Now, to that I can say that I could tell myself that it would turn out to be that way ... thus telling myself to keep cool and wait things out - and sure enough, it came as anticipated.
With this particular problem there seems to be some of it - but also some things that do "attack" me - my persona - specifically. To say that in as far as things stir me up due to uncertainties that I have about my own self ... for instance ... there is clearly 'that' ... absence of certainty that in a way predicts that I yet have to ... "find myself", concerning these things.


And so there's a statement, a claim in a sense, that's popped up in my mind. By my own admission - I'd be 'the one' to the point that ... I'm 'the one human who received the privilege to be called Goddess'. There are things that align with that, but what usually throws me off of embracing it is that I don't comply to my own ideas of what I'd have to be in order to ... embrace it.
It's ... weird. It's like ... a thin line that needs to be walked.

The biggest issue with that is, that if I received authority that I am supposed to learn how to deal with, I would be arrogant or negligent if I'd abstain from that. And ... yea. I mean, I definitely did receive authority merely by virtue of being the chosen ... and so, me being too humble or cautious to even embrace that ... I suppose works as a good indicator of where I'm at with this, personally.
So, whatever else there is on top of that ... is even more abstract to my day to day understanding.


And so I got to wonder, ever so often, ... who I am. What makes me myself? Like, why wouldn't I just take it and move on to strongarming my opinion onto everybody? Well, because I am very certain that I don't want to be that kind of person. Or just am not - as apparent by my unwillingness to be that. Or is it?
Like ... how malleable are we? As individuals? How meaningful, or relevant, are our opinions and ideals? How easy is it for one to turn around 180 degrees ... yet being no more or less themselves?

I mean, if our attitudes and all that are based - even if just a liiiiitle bit - on a falsehood; Once that falsehood cracks our minds can come crumbling down in a way that requires a response from us. To say that what we might think is solidly ourselves ... might one day just be as chaff carried into the vastness of the cosmos. And what's left?

Well, that's ... what's left! Obviously. But is it ... 'right'?


I mean ... occasionally people will talk about Character or having a Spine, personality, that kind of stuff. And people like me, I'd say, have an easy out ... in that we can just obsess over something and ignore the whole identity crisis nonsense.
But it's not that simple.
And yea. It's also one of those things where I do have ... answers. Personally. Like ... we can separate a part of ourselves into our bodies. Arguing that we have no free will DOES have a scientific basis - and can also be developed and argued from Biblical/Gnostic concepts. Rather easily. Like ... so and so many prophecies require some degree of determinism to our behaviour. I would also say that it's impossible to remove this "absence of freedom" from our philosophical understanding of life. Yet, once we have separated all that from ourselves - there is still the self, the ego, 'the observer', within all that; And therein is also our heart that can swim with or against the motions of our psyche. And yea, once we think of our psyche as entailing our emotions, so: 'our heart' - as clearly our emotions aren't things we consciously chose or opted into - there's an additional layer to that. In the end leaving the barest bones of what we might call 'will' or 'wanting'.
Which is also inseparable from thought.

And yea ... the challenge is one of direction. And responsibility. And possibly more.


And yea ... one of the things that we could bring up here are ambitions. So is there toxic masculinity or 'the social construct of the patriarchy'. Which is a system of ideas that you can attempt to analyze the world by; Similar to the idea of there being only two genders - which is in turn born from within the thing that gets labeled as "the system of the patriarchy". And if we only want to focus on our own responsibility to self-regulate, the argument can be made that we need some kind of social construct - as a set of seemingly arbitrary rules - to abide by. Such that our identity crisis' don't throw us ... "off the bridge" or how to put it.
Yet, things such as strength, having a big dick, having money - all of those "manly things" - concepts "we feel" solicit a degree of respect from "the lesser ones" - they can keep us from ever finding peace. And in my opinion that's a strong metric to go by - judging as to whether a thing is good or not. We can say that toxic masculinity is bad - yet can we take the items that make up toxic masculinity and find ways to argue how it's good actually. And to my understanding the truth were a matter of whether the label of 'toxic' actually applies to whatever set of circumstances we're thinking about; Or more to the point: Whether or not it's capable of peace.

And I think that we all are. I mean, every parent who has a daughter has to eventually be at peace with the understanding that their daughter might enjoy getting railed sensless by her boyfriend. It's just ... life. But all it takes is the assumption that you're being a bad parent if you're alright with that - to get someone spinning into insanity.

And because we're a social species - and people that see us from the outside may have incentives to inform us when we're "wrong" - a social construct is being formed. Inevitably.
Like ... a collective understanding of the rights and the wrongs.

And my little part to this, here, comes down to a matter of action versus inaction. Or activity versus passivity. Like, it's easy - per chance - to assume a socially passive role. To adapt, adjust, listen, observe, self-actuate etc.. But it's also easy - per chance - to ignore all that and assume a socially active role.
And I don't think it's healthy to be either just the one or the other.


And so I get to wonder: what is that feeling that basically requires me to take action?
To stand in for myself, to 'be alive' - to 'live'.
Like, what ... has me bothered or dissatisfied? What is it that I want to move away from?

Here I'm thinking that our developments, our growth, is/are "spherical". By which I mean that sometimes we find ourselves at a crossroads. We have options, but time only allowed us to consider one. So we go down one path; Just to eventually find ourselves back where we started; And we can't move on until we've gone down 'enough' of those options, rather than there simply being 'a' right one. But sure: Sometimes these decisions are transformative. But then sometimes ... those transformations are yet again simply part of a bigger sphere. So, thinking of the trope where "the chosen" is all like "Nooo! I don't want this power!" - is in this idea no different from them being like "hell yea!" - for either way holds transformative experiences that are like ... part of the same package.
Though, there sure are like ... more and less optimal routes. Like ... in a Metroidvania. There's the "glitchless 100%" speedrunner's route - and there's the exact opposite where you first run into an obstacle and then explore everything prior - and the literal last thing you'd pick up were the thing you needed to open that one path. For better or worse.


What now gets me is that ... some of the things I've said, or written about, opinions I've expressed, have come back to haunt me. Or ... ever so often they do. That's something I tried to tackle ... like, earlier last year I suppose. "The experiment". And one of the understandings that seems to demand more acknowledgment by myself - is that the privilege I received ... well ... also comes with responsibilities.
And yea, that ... comes in layers. Respective to the privileges I hold.

Like, conveying myself via the written word - being myself just a mind accessing a screen via keyboard and mouse - does on the one side give me a "body"; That being the circumstantial substance that the mere act of me expressing myself in these ways provides - however it might be perceived. And on the other it gives me space to unfold myself. In a sense. And so my Character, my being, becomes abstracted into a Character of sorts. And I get ... excited, or euphoria, whenever that Character comes to align with my "true Soul" - but the entire dynamics of that also consolidate that Character as something ... abstract and external to myself.
And then there comes to be a problem when my 'sober mind' comes to diverge from the Character - like, I would assume, it's like a wall that I erect to prevent people from knowing my true self. Using my true self. Using my true self as something external to myself - so I can say: Well, it's just a theory!


One of the problem is that the things I deem worthy to write about - hmm ... - well ... at any rate, the things I do write about rarely take me places where I can 'develop' myself. Like ... I don't think it's ... sensible of me to write about ... well, a thing that just came to mind is: I'm a woman, I'm a lesbian - and I understand it's authentic in part because I also do experience compulsive heterosexuality. And I can say that this comp-hetness doesn't make me straight. It makes me ... someone once described it as: "Part time bi-sexual".
And I don't want to develop that part of me by ... "logicking it out in the written word".
But, for the record: I do get ... that Henry Cavil or Adam Driver - to cash in on some memes - are hot or attractive. I do feel that attraction to. But when it comes to the whole of me - that attraction is effectively neglible. It doesn't carry a romantic component either. It would require a person I have a romantic attachment to - to be "like that" - for that to be possible.
What's it called? Demi-romantic?
And yea, like that ... I kind of have to reconsider myself although I already understand that it doesn't really change ... the substance. It basically just shows that ... our cultures haven't properly evolved to a point yet where these confusions or uncertainties can be properly tackled.

And maybe I can, or have to, help advancing that. But that's beside the point now.

One of the issues I face, regarding the development of myself, is ... "I see cringe!". So much cringe. Like ... no ... definitely: I don't want to fit into a two-dimensional image. So-to-speak. To say: I do want to preserve the right to change my mind.


Which ... is sweet, or fine ... I guess - and definitely relevant. Maybe even ... pivotal. I mean - in terms of expressing my divine privilege - eluding the grasp of a static image is ... akin to being alive. Being real. Like, forcing people to interact with the uncertainties inherent to the external world. Not to say that life would be boring if we ever got to a point where each and every one of us has figured each and everyone else out perfectly; But to say that if we individually don't realize our potential, that which can be figured out about us isn't ... all that meaningful.

Anyway ... so far ... well ... the Disclaimer.




What all this is to elude to is the idea that I yet have to craft my Elden Ring. That's what the Headline refers to. Which, more to the point, is about all the nonsense I've uttered in my lifetime. The "accidental Elden Ring" that I've crafted merely by virtue of existing. Which is probably ... utter garbage. With, so far, perhaps a few hints of something valuable.
Something I'm thereby contending over still ... just assuming that the underlying assumptions are correct ... is whether or not I should use it as a weapon. I mean, that certainly is the gut reaction. And while I'm still uncertain as to how much there is to it - like, it could all just be a ruse pulled against me to trap me into some weird delusion - that might actually be the best way to go.
Which of course takes me to conservatives - where, I certainly do feel like my crafts have been effective; Not to say that I can circumvent the individuals free will. I mean, that's the whole ... err ... the part where I tell myself that I don't have to do anything because in the end it all comes down to the individual's self. Like, if you're determined to defy "the established reality" - you certainly can, in as far as the laws of physics and that kind of stuff ... permit.

I guess it's like soft versus hard magic. There are shifts that can occur that change how we perceive the world, without changing who we are individually.

But so - how would I have to go about to do that shattering? I mean ... from what little I've learned, it seems to be ... wrong ... to go like "everything I've said/written prior to [some time] is invalid", because all that does is confusing all the stuff floating around the ether. And possibly there's more to that. That there isn't like ... a physical or otherwise solid-state representation of "the stuff" ... just yet seems to be a part of it. Also, given that there's a ripple effect emerging from "the stuff" - one that can further be influenced by good and bad faith actors - the removal of "the stuff" wouldn't really have the desired effect. Not right away at least. And maybe not ever if there's no 'obstacle' to those motions. ... well ...


So, there are ... two big things on my mind right now. One thing pertains to science and the other to ... "digital degeneracy".

Now, science is an interesting matter here. Truth is truth and I can't meddle with that. For once. But that aside, I keep wondering about how we got to where we are these days, comprehension wise, collectively - and now also what I might have done to ... help things be as they are. And I realize that ... I come from a background closer to intelligent design and flat earthism ... than science. Although science stuff, space and technology has always fascinated me ... there is a shift that ocurred once and I ... might have said things that are more in favor of the dumb stuff ... and successfully avoided saying things sufficiently in favor of the smart stuff. Like ... in the spirit of free speech we ought to let the uninformed speak their minds to learn of what we're yet ... lacking. And if that's like "the Golden Order" of things - such that these motions may continue unchecked forever ... well ... at which point could we finally come down to properly appreciating the reality of things?

So, rather than undoing the things I said - which aren't all that stupid anyway - I should think about how to put a lid on it.
So, when the uninformed choose ignorance over the facts presented to them, that's a bad thing.

And, this should already do something. Because all the "dumb" stuff I said in the past wasn't any more sophisticated either.
I should also say that science communicators that that are concerned of communicating established facts of reality are modern day saints.


Now, obviously there are some problems with that. Starting with how 'saint' isn't necessary ... a ... a good thing, like, how we'd want or need it to be. But also is it a bit of a delicate formulation that is still prone to bending and abuse. Though the previously established lid should help filtering things out a little. So, on average - given that both are double-edged blades in their own right.

One of the things that might help, is to acknowledge that there's a past - and day in and day out we perform. The performance of today becomes performance of the past - and from that we can derive a score. Akin to reputation. Reputation that further creates a kind of tolerance; Like ... taking a sip from a full cup only takes little from the water in it. Taking an equally large sip from a nearly empty cup however takes a lot from the water in it.
And it should be a relatively easy task to make our cups spill over, versus us all going dry.

And sure: People that are determined to go against science and established facts are free to do so. But if they do so dishonestly, they're confused and in need of a reality check.


So, let's see how this plays out.
As for "digital degeneracy" I have to say that: While it's OK to have a "waifu", it is cringe to create digital harems designed to lure people away from social reality. I mean, digital harems in general - unless it's really just flat out entertainment of the pornographic variety - are bad because the Characters they "produce"(contain) don't exist in a 'realistic' (healthy social) frame of reference.
And so ... having a "waifu" (or the male or whatever counterpart) is also certainly NOT OK when the Character in question is, for instance, perceived as a commodity. Like a slave, or property. Unless that's what the Character is into. In that case the same principles do however apply still. The big issue is what the relationship does to the individual, as per the kind of respect the individual cultivates for entities around themselves.


And I suppose ... that's it for today.
Two hours 'til Shadow of the Erdtree drops - and I'm planning on pullingn an all-nighter.


Peace!