I am become [bleep], harbinger of [bloop]

Like yea, what has God ever done for me?
With all those Mystery Bugs - it's like literally the opposite getting things done.
And wouldn't it be for me pushing past all that - or whatever the heck I was supposed to do - I wouldn't have gotten what I got today. Whatever that is.

I mean ...

[X4.01-c]

What I realized yesterday is that my expectations have been shifting. As I was setting out to write the first update, I was still of the mind that I had it all laid out and that I'd only have to type in the structures and put them together - do some temporary coding hijinx and compile the thing. But during these three weeks of holidays ... I've for once taken on a much slower approach. Coding only for a few hours - most of the time - and spending a lot of the time in-between playing videogames or sinking into the YouTube swamp.
I guess it helps to get a clearer mind of what the next steps should be. Especially when the matter itself is so complicated I'd just sit there for just as much time wondering of where to even begin. But I suppose that most importantly it helps me sit out that "headache", or numbness, that seems to befall me as I'm not really sure about what to do next.

So - "by the end of the week" has ultimately arrived, for real, and I think ... I got it done. Except, as just mentioned, not quite to the point I was thinking. The work I can do next is now laid out more clearly before me - and there's certainly a lot more that I can effectively work on than just some "temporary coding hijinx".

And yea, while doing so I'll still have to finish up a few things here and there - while for now I'm not in a need to like finish the entirety of it. And so I can delay those parts. The important pieces to those ends are in place - and to properly work with them, I suppose it should help to take care of some other things first.


I guess then, that I finally managed to step over the peak.
And maybe that's worth mentioning.


And perhaps it is yet too soon to celebrate, but other than a slightly shifting frame of reference - things I wrote previously still stand.
Well ... . Should another mystery bug befall my current project, I'm sure I'll figure it out somehow. And if that were something mega complicated, that'd suck. Like really. And ... I don't know. So far however nothing strange has been going on.

So, outside of maybe re-arranging the Layout of the code and renaming things; I'm sure what I have now will make another addition to the type of stuff I would come back to. Unless it'd fail for some, well, Godforsaken reason. Which it hasn't yet - so ... that's good!

Mostly I don't feel like the code is shappy or dissatisfactory; Which is how I felt about things previously. Also are the important control elements not hidden around x corners in the fringes of the abstracts. I mean, they can't be all there in some front-line interface; Like, some of them are classes and stuff ... I mean, it's supposed to be like ... really flexible in a somewhat gimmicky yet practical way.


Anyway. So, I write this because ... it's still like a standing order in my mind to keep "you", whoever you are, up to date. Sometimes I worry that this might be counterproductive, sometimes I worry that it's just ... not what I'd want to do; "If I knew" - but a counterweight to that is this idea that ... if I am who I think I am I'm supposed to walk through the fire unkindled and not be washed away by the floods ... overall just saying that ... I shouldn't worry.

Which reminds me.
To not worry!
What a ... thing!
I mean ... believing in that was one of the earliest functions of my faith. Something I really leaned into; Perhaps because it vibed well with my tendency towards taking things easy ... or ... 'procrastination' if you wanna call it that.

So yea, this ... idea gives me like flashbacks. "Those were the times!" right? Well ... not really. I mean, maybe. There's like a lot of great times I've had - after all. At least times that make for great memories; And in hindsight, that's like ... actually all that matters.


But, about keeping you posted - I also figure that ... I should keep things to myself. Especially when it would come to things like spoilers. Or half-baked nonsense.
And there's also a peculiar thing going on behind those reservations.

I mean - I get a lot of ... insights. Whether it be delusional or clairvoyant doesn't matter. It could be both. Either way I have to sort them into the right boxes; And sometimes I have to wonder, whether or not some things I see are like visions of a future that couldn't be if I didn't write about it at some point. Or, something to that effect.
Like ... I might be holding back because I'm under the impression that it's like common sense - but is it? And if I write about it and people get to talk about it, then it could 'actually' become common sense. There certainly are other ways, but ... I don't know!

And I feel like my project might just be like that.
I mean, parts of it at least.
Things just have to be sorted in properly. I mean, thinking of the X2 phase where I was also writing bootcode; And that stuff actually worked also; Some of the ideas I had are similar to what I now know is UEFI. I'd like to think that there's a rection to my ideas like before and after - but to me what matters is that my ideas - regardless of what happened in reality - weren't all that bad.
But I also kept quiet about those ideas; Mostly because there was nothing to report. And that probably because it would, one way or another, revolve around what 'I' had to do - or should do - or could or could not do. Like, whatever I could have done or written would have been wrong; So I just didn't do it. But so there's a certain disconnect between what I think of my project and what is out there.
Now, I don't want to suggest that ... well, anything.
But ... I suppose there's like a way to trigger sequences that will lead to certain outcomes. Like manipulation but more like ... just being considerate.


I mean, for now you could base your estimates of what my work on my project is worth only on matters of faith and belief. And that's not going to change for a while.
But as I'm coming nearer to a final thing - like, a real alpha version - there is a growing potential to do change that. And here's the thing: My ideas are pretty complex. This isn't meant to brag, this is meant to set the tone for me expressing a concern of mine, which is that it might be too complex for folks to understand what they're looking at.

I mean, somehow I've recently fallen down the "GUNPLA" rabbit hole a bit; And it's kind of like with those high end models. Like, you can't really appreciate what a Gundam is if you don't know what's under the hood. I mean, I've seen models - on and off - and to my mind they stood on par with all the other nerdstuff. Like ... sculptures. That these are carefully designed, mechanically sound ... movable things ... that wouldn't have crossed my mind. I guess somewhere a neuron fired at some point going like: "Wouldn't it be awesome if ..." ... yea ... "Gundam models were like Gundam models".
The weird thing is that a lot of them are based on old Manga/Anime - and so they have this very simple ... bulky look. And ... yea, it's ... fascinating stuff.


And with what I've written so far, I think I've also set a tone, causing some ripples.
And I guess there's a bit of a history to that also. As always, it starts with me just being naive.
And I'm not sure where exactly it's coming from, but ... there's some weird fixation on "being genius" or ... something along those lines.

A part of it might come from me. Or ... from God rather. I mean ... the whole thing with the Mystery Bugs is a simple 'nope! Not like this!' - which does co-incide with the occasional whisper implying that the code has to be good. And so I'd put my thinking cap on and try to make a strong effort, but alas ... that's not enough.
But on the other side; I'm just ... not thinking that way. Sort of. I mean, I guess in some way I'm convinced that whatever I'm doing is going to be genius; But based on the difficulties I was and am having I could barely ... like ... confidently proclaim that. No! Instead I'm just sharing what's on my mind. Like ... 'in case' someone cares. After all, sooner or later - eventually - that should be a thing. But that's then where I might be too naive. Because ... I am upset, sort of, when people set these high expectations - and I guess: Rightfully so!
But ... yea, it's complicated!


So, anyhow.
My operating system, or my Programming language. Well. There isn't really anything happening on that front. I have like ... purposefully not worked on it for long enough now, so that now ... it's totally a non-issue. I mean, I'd mention it - but ... then, to my mind, people started to expect me to write an entire operating system.
A communication error I suppose.
I mean, I say I'm working on a thing - and people go like: Hey, there's going to be a thing!
Then I'm like: ... hey, that's not what I said!
And the situation has mostly, except for that brief period in time, been that there are operating system-esque aspects that go into my project.


It's strange ... how long ago all that was. Or seems to have been.
Maybe it's just weird echoes in my head. Like ... way back when ... game design, to me, was all about putting stuff to paper. I had more regular access to weed those days - and thus have these occasional ... well ... esoteric vision journeys.
So I'd learn, or practice, things that would generally fit under the "self control and discipline" umbrella, except ... in a more meditative while high type of ... 'practicing spiritual fortitude' kind of way. Things like "sinking to the bottom". Looking for the ground, getting intimate with the concept of 'empirical thinking' - in a more esoteric, mentally abstract kind of way.
Difficult to put into words.
And while God occasionally appears as a violent adversary to me - one of the first incarnations thereof came in the form of ... like ... a figment of Cell. The Dragonball Cell. And so I'd be exposed to these stresses - and actually evolve thereby. As if ... the things happened in reality, minus ... all the drama I guess.


So, a first thing I'd have to do is to set some boundaries. Like: I'm not going to write an entire operating system by myself! And if those echoes from the past entail an actual audience, the thing were that had people asked I could have clarified - but, maybe I also wasn't in the mind of doing so.
Whatever.

There's a very bare-bones OS (Or 'Desktop') inspired "backend" to my project. That's where I put all the system specific stuff. Like, initializing SDL; My OpenGL stuff is there. And I've cut it down so far that it isn't really doing anything but ... solving that side of the application; While also providing a layer of abstraction; So that if the system were to change, I only have to change that part. Although it's uncertain just how "weather proof" the whole thing actually is. And given that I still use "naked OpenGL" in my code, it's probably not all that much.

And it's really bare-bones. Something I yet have to do is ... . I mean, I'm using two screens and so, while the program itself runs on one, I display an info panel on the other. Which so far doesn't contain a whole lot, but I can flip between tabs and pages. It has a "Hydron Watch" (1 hydron is like 0.7 seconds) that slowly ticks up, it shows an approximate state of my randomizer ... but what the system doesn't do yet is properly respond to what if I only have one screen available; Nor can I yet easily remove that whole info screen thing from the program.

Overall it's like barely functional compared to what it could have been; If I hadn't had such a troubled past I assume.
Although I guess ... that's uncertain. I mean, there are a few things that I have written that aren't in there because I haven't come around to re-writing them. And re-writing them I would have to. So, whatever.

Anyway. The system is also kind of neat. I mean, I have reduced the whole thing down to two lines of code that I need in the main function; Although I guess that simplicity is also kind of an illusion. There's a lot more required then to tap into that - for once. But in essence there's a "Boot" function that's aligned to the bootsequence of "the OS", and then there's a "Memory Init" that is thought of as initializing the system ontop of that.


And that's effectively all there is, in as far as "what's on screen" is concerned. The console log shows a whole lot more is going on; But that'll be the next steps. And with this I close this particular session.
What I'm currently working on is supposed to become "the Game" itself. Speaking of the code. So I'll want an opening sequence; So, the thing where all the logos are supposed to go; And from there a transition into the main menu. For that I take inspiration from Darksiders 2 ... where the Menu's background is basically already partly in the "current" game. To get there I'll at first probably just work with screen-fading - and then I'll probably start working my Planet Code back in. I mean, that's basically the idea. The Main Menu appearing in front of a high altitude camera pan accross some Planetary surface. That whole thing I can then just copy-paste over into "the Editor"; Where I then only have to remove or alter the opening sequence - and work the editor interface in instead of a main menu. Because the code I require for that (copy paste) is also minimal; The editor specific additions won't affect "the game" code - game specific additions that work in the editor will also work in "the game" - and so I can start working on the datasets required to make "the game" be more than just lines, basically.

"You need Training!"

So - an important thing I touched upon here is the matter of "grounding".
And that coincides with another thing I meant to write about, which is about getting caught off guard.

So, to be open and fair and balanced, I'm frequently flabbergasted by how hard I'm being caught off guard - frequently - by people confidently quoting the Bible as if it contradicted what I have to say.

I'm caught off guard, probably because I'm not in a state of mind where religion is on my mind.
And I realize that I'm generally more capable of answering to that, than it might seem to me in the moment.
After all - I've written quite extensively about those things.

The thing though is, that the 'angle' ... is weird. I mean, if you paid even just a little bit of attention you understand that things can't be as simple as confidently quoting the Bible. And from within that understanding things do actually become surprisingly clear or even self-evident. It is then however to those that lack that understanding, or those that try to ignore it, that this whole understanding is like intangible and weird and crazy ... and so ... practically inconsequential.


Part of it is, that in certain environments people are essentially conditioned to believe that their spiritual leaders have all the answers; And that they are what the Bible says. So, they would learn things like "here the Bible says that being Gay is wrong!" - and as then the understanding of their leaders is clipped into their mind as "Bible accurate", they develop access points for all sorts of things that aren't in the Bible, but accepted on a "trust me bro" basis. Often that involves some really rudimentary logic, certainly at least in part based on flawed foundations - but ... hinges upon that sense of Bible-accuracy. To them "the Bible says this" - and that understanding eventually happens to be some kind of "barrier to entry".

I could then go on to have philosophical bouts with those figments in my head - and that then, I suppose, usually resolves to the point where "individual understanding" faces off with "biblical understanding". And how you resolve that conflict depends on what angle you're coming from. And that would go sofar as to even be about how you value your independence versus community. Stuff like peer pressure and trust. And yea, at the end of the day it all comes down to your ability to connect with God. Because, for once, that's what belief in God should entail; And if you're coming from atheism - well - you're just coming to that point from a different direction.


And so - here this particular story ends. To return to how it began.
Grounding.
I mean, what I'm seeing a lot these days - and it always pains me when smart people appear to be guilty of it - are these ... more or less intricate ways of reasoning. I guess I've been seeing it a lot less lately from smart people; Where the point is that putting a whole lot of effort into arriving at wrong conclusions is a waste of time!
So there are mantras like "trust the process" or "it's the journey that matters" that are a lot more prevalent; Which might however rub those other people in a really really wrong way.

I mean, it appears like giving up, not caring about things. And we can call it a shift in values all the way we want, when they think that we're shifting to the wrong values, that's what they're thinking.

But I seriously have better things to do than practice crying on command just so that I could give you a convincing display of how deeply I care.
"Play the violins".
I mean, emotions can be an affliction. Attachments can easily become entanglements that can as easily demand mental and emotional gymnastics from us that ... make life more miserable than it needs to be. And the concept of Piety is certainly no stranger to the idea of letting go of those things. The question we're asking, sort of, is: What then?
Because ... just letting go of everything ... that can't really be it either!


Anyway. The main thing that's wrong with discussion and debate in this modern day and age is, that it's about convincing people of a thing no matter what. I mean, apparently it's even some kind of sports; Where people are tasked to defend a position even if they don't believe in it.
But that's beside the point.
I've come around to stop debating my position round about the time I realized that this is like ... a negative feedback loop. That people are like constantly talking past each other as they try to sell the respective other of their idea of right and wrong; And while doing so they also do often enough get more and more angry at each other.

And so, eventually arguments started to feel like poison to me. Though it depends. Being on my journey, getting my act together, figuring out what's good for me; That gave me a baseline - and some arguments are more and others less compatible with that.

And while there are a great many points of view on a great many things, I think this is a particularly nice one.
Like ... why would or should I change it?
I mean, it's not like I can't see what people are trying to tell me. Well, sure - sometimes I don't; But it's also kind of pointless to argue with people that haven't come around to appreciating life.


I mean, like ... what's the argument against free health care? It's for once an argument we don't have in most places on this earth. And where they do, it's people so utterly wound up over "the economy" - it's hard to say whether or not they are even capable of having a firm grasp of what this economy is that they're talking about.
I mean, isn't it at the end of the day the sum total of our combined labour? And once realizing this, the weight of money starts to shine differently. I mean, for as long as there are people that work, there's an economy. And why should we gatekeep people from having access to health care, given that functioning, readily available health care should be one of the primary goals of an economy?

It's this idea that it's those "Freeloaders" that want free healthcare. That's like "socialism". People who don't work that want free stuff from people who do work. But so it is those same people that think that all people who want free stuff don't work, will also want free stuff when things don't go so well for them. Or ... just ... at all. Who doesn't want free stuff? But that's OK because "they aren't filthy socialists!". Like ... it's clear at some point that they apparently don't hear themselves talk. They try to tell us that we don't "get it" - while what they don't get is how crystal clear it is what they want to say; But it's stupid!

And so they have all these problems, all this drama, that is as fabricated as the money they keep talking about. I mean, people who believe that we humans only work because otherwise we'd die - and that turning life into a constant near (potential) death experience is the best if not the only way to motivate people to work - they are ... so lost. Lost in a maze of hypotheticals - and telling them to snap out of it is like woke or something.


And I guess that's one of the reason why God also gave me an objective to produce Toys. Or promote them. I mean, it's easy to slip into conservative thinking. "Think of all the resources we invest in entertainment!". Oh no, the horror. "We should rather invest it into another Child Labour camp somewhere overseas to produce even more useless products that'll just pile up in some garbage dump also overseas ideally or who the fuck cares I'm gonna go live on my Yacht for a while".

I somehow lost my thread here. I guess ...
Grounding ... it's an experience. To let go. To trust the journey. To not try and overthink everything. To understand, maybe, how bad we are at making complete and utter sense of everything whenever someone's asking for it.

Fantasy

I also wanted to mention that I like believing in the fantastical. And letting go of that is ... like a sad thing. But it seems neccessary. Except when it isn't.

I mean ... these are like two extremes.
On the one end people believe in a Flat Earth; And on the other ... they say Mechs are stupid.

No, Mechs are awesome! And we can be glad that they're just fantasy! Because else, they'd be horrifying!

I mean ... I've recently seen a video that tried to give a sober, non-fantastical reflection of the fascination for Mechs. And they led with the argument that there would be so much more effective things we could build, than a humanoid Mech, if we could build humanoid Mechs. And my fantastical thinking disagrees!


I mean, essentially the argument there is trying to say, that if some Nation on earth could build a sustainable Gundam style Mech army - another Gundam wouldn't be the best weapon against it.

Try to think about it this way: Would you rather face off against an RC (Remote Controlled) car with a Gun mounted to its top, or a human being with a Gun in their hand? Or in other words: If you had to shoot me - would you rather do it with your hand, or would you do so with one mounted to an RC vehecle?

The key term here is: Versatility.
Because ... if some Giant Mech could just tear your shit apart - zooming out of your line of fire and just rip that fucking cannon right off of whatever you got it mounted on - wouldn't you want to have more tools at your disposal than a single joint (not the type you smoke)?

I mean, the problem with the human body is that it's vulnerable. The problem with cybernetic implants is much the same. And when stuff breaks it might just ... cause infections and all sorts of crazy stuff. A Mech however ... is at the end of the day just a suit. If it breaks it breaks - tough luck - but hey, you might just get out of it alive. So, it has the upsides of a human body without the drawbacks. They might even be able to fly!

Ontop of that it's a Mech. A top of the line, high tech, weapon. So, we're talking about targetting systems, if you want to be talking about drones; So, it's a Fighter Jet with arms and legs that is also a Drone.

But yea, where that "sober", non-fantastical argument is right is that ... in a military conflict, either side would seek out an advantage upon the others; And thus mechs that are really good at dealing against humanoid mechs would be "born". Like ... say ... attack dogs. Faster - and with just enough oomph to leave more than just a dent.
But - or so - it's certainly not so, that once a better weapon is found, everything else stops existing. Warfare and Conflict is complicated. In some aspects at least.


So, being realistic isn't always boring! Being realistic can be fun. All the fun even!