May I rest my Crying Heart?

Maybe a part 1.
And ... maybe this isn't going to be what you expect.
Or ... what I think it might be.

Emotions are weird. They can be strong - but let a moment pass and they can be as fleeting as the wind.
And ... there are strong emotions at the ... heart ... of this. There's something I'm trying to express, rather than address - but obviously I can't just transmit to you an emotional outburst in this concrete, data-driven environment we're sharing information by.


In some sense this is about ... how to call it? Nerdism?
But more than that, it isn't. I would so maybe even try to make it specifically not about that, but ... that would impossible, given the subject matter. But, going into it might be a little weird. There isn't really a narrative as I'm trying to piece together concepts and ideas; So, yea, things that correspond more to my emotional concerns here, rather than anything that has a point - let's say.

And yea. Let's start with Gundam. I would consider myself a huge Gundam fan, but ... I'm not really familiar with the Franchise, or ... its "Corporate Backbone", let's call it. Like so, 'Gundam' was more just an idea to me - maybe I've seen images here and there that I liked - but whenever I actually ever looked for images ... I more often than not found myself disagreeing with the designs. Too much of this or that, too little of such and such - and while considering taking up Gunpla as a hobby, I realized that the Colors are also ... well, difficult, decoration wise.

But, I watched a little bit of some Anime on YouTube back in '06 I guess (until it was either taken down or I didn't have the time anymore) - and I think it was Gundam Seed. And overall I've been most drawn towards the Witch from Mercury Gundams - and I think I'm looking forward to watching it. So, that makes the Strike Gundam and Aerial my Canonical ... entries to the meat ... or bolts of it.


One reason I mention this is for a kind of segue into something else. I think when it comes to Nostalgia, there's something about our Psyche that makes us connect with things. So, my first introduction to Gundam was Seed - and like so I feel that every other Gundam is "less than" until there might be one that can cut through those kind of attachments to form a tighter bond of sorts. And if it's just down to a more matured understanding of the world.

Which, I guess, takes me to the actual segue I was going for. So, it's a double Segue spiced with some cosmic happenstance ontop of it.


From the start, I could - and I'm probably not alone with this - "connect" with this concept that's known as "Newtypes" in Gundam. Typically they are just very special kids that have an uncanny ability to fly Gundams, perhaps also some psychic powers ontop of it - I'm not sure - insert joke about Autism.
And since I've watched a review of sorts of Witch from Mercury, I find it interesting that they basically went with a theme of drawbacks associated to that ability. Like a curse or a desease. Insert second joke about Autism.

I did however feel like a Newtype might, growing up. I would say that Technology just came naturally to me. Naturally computers didn't make a lot of sense until I basically understood the concept of what a personal computer is - as opposed to being just a fancy set-piece in movies.


Anyway - it may happen to be more of a curse to the eyes of a mainstream audience, because "becoming a Nerd" would be the default semi-final destination for those "afflicted", possibly an inevitable one at that.

And seriously, being a Nerd - or growing up into that realm of Nerddom - there might not have been a better time for us than the 80s and 90s. The thing being that the restrictions of the media meant that the "stuff" had to have a lot of substance. Substance that could keep people engaged for years and years. Substance that could get explored, analyzed, assimilated, extended - all of that - with a wide range of things to dig into.
Star Wars, Star Trek, the Legend of Zelda, the Build Engine (Doom, Duke Nukem 3D), oh yea - Legos; Those were early bases for me.
Or so, from a tech perspective, being able to plug in the NES before actually comprehending a game like the Legend of Zelda outside of pew pew - understanding what's in a computer - and sure enough, operating an programming the VCR.


And by the way: This is roughly the background for what "Fists of Ambition" is technically about. I mean, I was interning in some print/print-finishing workshop and during some of the work I was able to and allowed to hear radio. One time then a special of sort aired, detailing the backgrounds of that Song, Cello, as it's - as I understand it - basically a remake or cover. And one of the themes that this song is about, is to rekindle that old Love that may have been lost. To me, at the time, that was doing remixes - more specifically - but also getting gritty with the coding again.


Anyway - what I was trying to get at is that I worry that kids today probably don't have that. Stuff like ... peace and quiet. Consistent forms of Entertainment - outside of being consistently stupid or just too far beyond the older people's comprehension. I mean, I doubt not that there will always be new newtypes - so-to-speak; That the next generation will always have those that have an uncanny ability to make sense of whatever their parents might struggle with.
And it might always be a struggle. But - with caution and care we might actually ... be able to make the best of it. I mean, how could my parents have properly dealt with my trans-sexuality; Or how could they have known to maybe introduce me to Gunpla? I mean, in all honesty: I was basically there. I mean, my dad was a passionate Model builder himself. Basically trucks and trains. Trains and some panorama thing with lots of little houses and details and stuff - that was his thing. And so I eventually got my hands on some of that glue and some leftover sprues - but ... I figured that I couldn't build an actual robot and swiftly forgot what I had on mind.

But that just for a side-note.


--br--


Why I now actually mentioned all this, including the latter part, is to somehow convey what Entertainment Media means to me. I've often done so. Or tried at least. And to put a few things together - a while back I mentioned that I have abandonment issues. And while those developed - I assume; Entertainment Media has been my Parent(s), Friends, Teachers ... everything. My reality. To the point where I was for a while Isekai-ing myself into my own fantasy world. And that it's an actual genre these days is something I'm sorry for. Not because I'm responsible, but because it's just a sorry thing in general.

Which is kind of where this is going.

But yea. So far I also didn't have a fallout against all of that childhood chaff. Like, being bitter of having invested so much time into nonsensical activities; Leaving me with nothing but shattered dreams. I suppose it's a thing. I can feel it, there, in the ether. And I guess that's fortune.
Because, if we look around, it isn't that fund stuff that's to be blamed. It's many things; And among that, that it's looked down upon. Yea, sure, "because Capitalism". But I've met at least one who was doing the Capitalism and couldn't deal with the emotional detachment that came with the ruthless calculus of it all.

But I suppose I have to pump the breaks here a little.

There's a war, it would seem, against all we held dear as kids. But it's not "the Woke Mind-Virus". It kind of is Capitalism, next to some other things, among which I also suspect a far more nefarious force.

And that takes me to my Crying heart.

Well, I don't want this to be taken as me being so invested in Entertainment Media that I'm crying about it or what state "it" is in. That's not it. As I mentioned initially, I would leave this whole aspect out of it. It's more about ... what role it plays in this modern conflict we find ourselves in. Sure, "the Culture War".

And it's really like in some old, campy Cartoon it feels. There are the good guys; Yay friendship and togetherness and diversity and peace and righteousness and justice and all that - and there are the bad guys. The grumpy, hateful, bigoted, psychotic, conspiring, ... warmongering ... and all that.

But, that's ... again ... moving too fast.


And yea, there's a lot to unpack here.
As for my part - me writing this - it starts with some kind of Nostalgia. I wouldn't describe it as Nostalgia however. But it fits the bill. Having a strong attachment ... "things of the past" - being torn over how eager the present seems to abandon it all - slapping us with more and more serious strife and conflict that it all starts to seem meaningless.

But I guess, that doesn't quite capture it.


--br--


So, feminism - it is, for a lack of a better word.
I mean - that nostalgia, for once, isn't ... sad or bitter or melancholic. It's joyful. Grateful for all the things that made me - and beyond. I mean, Gundam is one example of something that existed mostly outside of my sphere but could just as much have been a thing.
I Love all those little success stories - that sometimes I'm close to bursting out into tears of Joy. Or actually have one or two dripping from my eyes. It seems like Miracles ontop of Miracles - and yet there's some kind of sadness ... hidden deep within it.

I mean, I guess I'll have to say it at some point, so - I suppose some might not accept me as a woman. And I might not care about them, but whatever. I suppose that I also have a pretty masculine slant to myself; And that might make it legit difficult for some to dig me doing a Natalie Wynn on this matter. So I feel much more like people would rather accept me as some kind of translator, someone who by happenstance can maybe translate between the sexes. Until those who realize to their dismay that this means that I might understand woman come into play. Well, whatever.
But yea. The thing is that I have ... experiences that I don't have. Feelings that I couldn't have. Maybe they are like conducted through me - such that I have the collective experience of female trauma without having to go through all of it myself; Or maybe they're experiences of one or more past lives. If that's the case, the thing to note were that these are - besides that nostalgia I mentioned - the most intense experiences/feelings I have.

And they're not good. Or happy.

But yea, so, I'm not part of the "it's bad because it's woke" crowd - but more so a "(excess) wokeness is just another symptom of a deeper problem" proponent.
And I have to say:

Wie blöd kann man eigentlich sein? Oder wie blöd muss man eigentlich sein?
Ich mein ...

Was versprecht ihr euch eigentlich davon, so scheisse zu sein?

Like ... wie hart hat man euch in's Hirn geschissen?

#Climate-Change is real
#Trans-people are valid
#Faschisten sind Arschlöcher


Anyway. I did have a nurture phase growing up. One of the first games I enjoyed playing was giving birth. My plushies were my babies - and I loved them, maybe more than anything else in the world. And not having them anymore is a legit hole in my heart. But I get it, they're just plushies. But those I have now ... I have a similar attachment for. The only thing that lessens my love for them is the fact that they're not alive. Well, for the most part.
They live in my heart!


These two topics might seem like they're disconnected. But, let me start by throwing this into the room: The typical "it's bad because it's woke" type of Nerd ... is a stranger to the opposite sex. As is everyone, I must assume, that grew up in a mostly virtual world. Technically we could be classified by a new set of Genders - no new pronouns needed - and there's a certain vulnerability to people who are kind to us. It cuts to one of the desires we cannot satiate - and the need for it has the potential to let us ignore any number of red-flags.
The ugly side of it is, when people - from their anonymity - express that Gender identity in ways that are clearly Misogynistic to anyone outside of that bubble. So, the Gender Identity being the one where women are only patterns for Masturbatory fantasy. Maybe they drea of the perfect woman that might come around, be nice to them, take all their Bullshit out of some "true love" kind of reasoning - but that ultimately, I'm afraid, takes us to a pretty common ... we might call it "male misconception".


But for now I might like you to ponder a bit upon how ... all of this congeals into a "bloody mess" of sorts ... that I kind of lack the ability to express right now.


--br--


"Love your enemy" - it says. But how? I mean - people are trying. I mean, to ... take a 'color blind' approach, to try to be unconditionally positive; And ignore this concept of "the enemy", is one way to go about it; And possibly the best quality that Capitalism might breed. But if people then go and reject something merely on the basis of allowing the player to select their pronouns ... that's just assinine beyond comprehension.
I mean ... I might start by saying this: You "types" aren't the only people in the world; And if you can't deal with people having pronouns ... I don't know ... how else to respond but with mean condescension.

Nice try ... "but who cares?". Right?
Well, I might suspect that I carry enough weight to get people to care, but ... yea, time will tell.

I mean, I get that "the feminists came and infiltrated your hobby" - sortof - but what matters beyond that are social skills. Like ... meeting the person, rather than the terminally online label you've been drilled to slap onto them. But sure, it's difficult to deal with people that throw around with a bunch of weird words of which all seem to be designed to dismiss, belittle, ostracize and such you - but I can't actually speak to that. I mean, I understand the image that is being sold to me. That people come in, basically into your house, and start blaming you for colonialism for no real reason until you leave in anger.
What I can speak to is the other version. Where you feel like you've accidentally stumbled into a backroom wanking session. And if you call it gross you get the book of offensive language thrown at you.

Though this didn't happen to me just like that, that lingo is certainly more commonplace - by my real life experience - than the other.


And it should be easy enough to comprehend the other side here. And some might have to yield more than the other - and both have to be patient and empathetic ... well, no surprise things turned out the way they did?


Anyway - this kind of talk won't allow me to rest my crying heart.
It sure is part of ... the whole debacle ... but the essence - the thing, the main reason why I'm writing this, is like left out of this.

So, I have to say - and it's going to be really shocking (probably not): Part of "the War" is corporate!


I mean, how can I believe in myself, in what I feel, what moves me (well, parts of it anyway because the human being is complex and can barely be narrowed down to singular labels) - if I have to treat those that gave us all of that good stuff ... as the actual enemy; When more clearly ... they are not!

Call it Rainbow capitalism if you will, which sometimes might sure just be on par with camouflage - but it goes beyond that. There might be one corporate entity that thinks of a new product or something; And actually listens to philosophical concepts, has a concern for values and tries to actually practice what they preach - and there might be another corporate entity that snores through that part and is all ears when it comes to how much microtransactions they can fit into a game or shit like that. We shouldn't let that fly so easily, but noooo ... "J.S. Sterling has gone woke now!".
I mean - to put it in Gundam terms: There are so many ... like sooooooo many ... Gundams that come in mostly white with blue, yellow and red bits on them. So much so it might feel jarring if there are other colors present. Outside of the various grey tones. Then you might say that, humbly, in this hypothetical - which is a metaphor - and people tell you: Just paint them! Well yea - cool! It does however seem like we're at the point where a company is considered 'woke', if it actually sells any color outside of blue, red and yellow.

I also prefer the Bunny ears over the V-finns, by the way. But whatever. I've got my EG RX-87 variant anyway; And since it doesn't have a blue chest piece it doesn't take away from my "blue budget".


But yea. How to draw the lines?
It's kind of a silly questions - because if you have your head on straight, the lines should draw themselves. Though that isn't necessarily helpful. I mean ... just thinking about Blizzard for instance. Though, here the thing is that OG Blizzard isn't there anymore. Just as OG Bungie. I mean, that interview that the Act Man did with that Bungie guy was very enlightening. So, Microsoft is evil - confirmed once more; At least that's what my inner parts are suggesting - but being blind to that makes it more difficult to cultivate sanity. If it were only that it might not be so wild - and after all, "don't rip the weeds prior to harvest"; But ... that's already too sympathetic towards the perceived threat - as far as my inner parts are concerned. Which is also why owning an X-Box isn't only a no-no for me, but also a huge turn-off.

I mean, there's this thing with Black Myth Wu-Kong. A casualty of war I suppose, due to some Government's overreach. The color blind approach requires us to appreciate whatever artistry and vision went into it, the skeptical approach requires us to bemoan that it's most likely censored. And yea, I suppose we have like a crowd that's really against that kind of stuff - yet they hail the game as if it were the second coming of Christ. Funnily enough, 90% of the game's sales are out of China - which reveals that those "Chuds" aren't only maidenless but probably also broke. Or they just don't care about much more outside of being a heavy handed keyboard warrior.


Now, I don't want to say that it takes a good guy with a corporation to stop a bad guy with a corporation. For once because of cultural biases but also because it's kind of narrow-minded. The only reason to trust in such narrow narratives is when there's like a point to it - to not pre-emptiyvely exclude other possibilities.
And yea, Corporate entities get a lot of flack for being like ... somehow a part of Capitalism. And I kind of do want to lean against that; Even if it might backfire on me.


I mean, Greed or Avarice aren't ... fantasy problems. And I know that first hand. So, after my Grandpa died - I had this copy of their (his and my Grandma's) last will, by which I was entitled to a third of the inheritance. The original was nowhere to be found however - and I suspect that my dad and his hoe got rid of it and I hoped that I might catch them in a lie. During that time I could almost smell the money and the property - in a sense; So much so that it got to my head a little. I thought of what I could do with X many money; Then started to think of what if it was Y much more - and that's where I realized that ... this wasn't good and decided to not pursue the matter.


Anyway - we will ultimately however need ... a bit of everything that we want to preserve. And by that I don't mean relics, I mean ... "everything". And so I should hope that we might be able to win at Capitalism, yet. But first ... we have to learn to "embrace the dark" as it were. To forgive, to build bridges; And to stop being bloody morons!


Thanks and Good night!