High Level of Octanes

... or ... whatever. It just randomly popped into my mind - ... as some accumulated feedback to the random white noise of my inner worldview.

Oh, and yea. I wonder. How does it work for everybody?
Existing ... I mean.

Like ... what's the stuff that is going on?
Mentally ... foremostly.

Like ... we all grow up starting stupid. What? Round peg into square hole? Why not? ~DERP~
Dang! "Isn't it obvious you ...?!?!?!1ELEVEN!!1"


So, we eventually figure things out, some things come intuitively ... but ... how do we think about the world around us?
Well - from what I do KNOW ... on the one far side of the spectrum there's Schizophrenia. That is where 'the world around' is basically all in one's head - and external stimuli, I would suggest, barely ever influence the tenets of the ... well ... delusion. Like, social contacts here happen based on what the person is imagining, rather than what is happening in the here and now.
Which may now seem like everyone is Schizophrenic?
I mean, what's a perfectly healthy mind?
Do we know one?


Well. I'm clearly ... like ... leagues out of my mind. Or not. I mean - given that this is what I did for a long time - following a very real curiosity ... yea. There's this and that. There's my own story - that in concrete, the real things, from whenever 'til now - and something extra that I am making up myself. I would say. That's ... what I do. And at occasion that what I made up ... turned out to be wrong.

But that's more like an "oops" - ... err than ... what?

Uhm ...


Initially ... I wanted to finally also write about my closet. Some dirt that I've collected over the years; But maybe it would be just a nasty Flex for how little there truly is. But ... sure. I still feel like garbage sometimes - and ... the sad reality is that those are evident failings of my Character.

I mean - worse of all, I did do engage in Gossip. And when added to this - and also calling it that - then that's kind of also most of what I do. And you might regard this my work stained for that reason. I would call it stained for more than just that. I just blurt out my thoughts without much of any filter past my fingertips. Occasionally when I somehow came to a pause I might spot an error or care to spell-check. And whatever wrongs I uttered ... well, they must pass without retraction. If you want retractions, you would have to formally request them.

But yea. I don't mean to be bad - or talking bad of someone ... and ... for that reason I also don't want to find any justifications because ... that would ... be ... silly. Like, think of all the people I would have to humiliate in front of the universe, I mean ... which is like ... part of what I do for passtime here?


But public affairs are that. Right? So ...

Here's the thing: How do I get rid of that feeling, that I'm being watched somehow? Whatever. By ... the flying Spaghetti Monster ... impersonating a feeling of ... an audience that I have to explain myself to as though I were on trial?


I guess ... Schizophrenia can easily be described as a sickness of isolation. It is the opposite to a mindset that is highly integrated with whatever is actively happening. But that is also not automatically a good thing. So, on the one side we have 'incoherent rambling', on the other we have 'pointless chit-chat', or more to the point: A possibly crazy mob of people that may speak thine tongue but not thine truth. So, here we get to the realm of mass-delusions - which is what we speak of when on one side there's incontroversible truth and on the other a conflicting position. I mean ... yea.


It would be funny though. To think ... that everyone who didn't vote brown during a certain, like depending on where they're from, election-cycle ... would just ... vanish ... and we could just watch ... . At least that's what I'm thinking. Like ... sure ... a shitshow from start to finish - ever keen on outdoing itself. I mean, from watching the "news" I like ... completely gave up on the concept of reason and logic as something that moved anything in this world.
And yes, I guess ... in the end ... the answer is Money.
Would be.
Or ... what money can buy, or ... where you can get things for free.
Where you can get BIG things for free.


Maybe even let people serve you for existing.
Isn't that ... the top of the ladder?
Well ... maybe. But then there's those with bigger ladders!
I'd just take the stairway to "heaven" ... or what to call it. With luck, there's an escalator!


I mean. Sure. If it is as stupid as that in the end it is simply down to a very dull concept of cool - there's that. People essentially climbing ladders of varying degrees of stability and height - and those that are lost in their own movie of how awesome they are ... well, I suppose I've been there. We all have it I suppose. The "spark" that is 'more' "than the world can fathom".


This is not to judge. And yea. Sometimes ... words take on life a bit of their own. And people can start to sound weird, like they speak a different language or got words wrong, they still somehow understand each other.

And yes. Should we view this world as a riddle - posed by God - we implicitly allow for the existence of a God that also placed hints as to its solution.
Now, whether or not I myself am either a hint, or a thinker - that may vary. When it comes to the basics however - that which all of it is built on - I'm a thinker. The parts where I didn't provide any sources ... or just all about Unification ... well, they are still there. But ... it's more like ... I stumbled ... and something something ... there it was ... like ... from word-salad.
So, yes. There are components to it. And I acquired them during my quest. And from what started as a random curiosity - I ... found a marvelous thing. Now, I would take it that those components can be taken and assembled in any one way one might like. You possibly could point to UFO's, Zeus, Odin, a Marriage between Ra and Shiva, ... hellfire for the stupid ... and a lot of ... err "Fun" stuff. Like ... yea, the NHC is kind of in that ... pool of things.

But sure. Somehow ... there was something. There was reason to the chaos; But if I would lay it out, nobody would understand whether there even is a head or a tail.
At least ... that's how I felt early on.
And then there was this nightmare - that basically scared the bagesus out of me ... from ... easily mentioning it like ... ever again. Hard and Full Stop.

Sure. When we get to it, like in an official capacity ... fine.
I may have leaked enough over the years anyway already.
But ... uhm. See ...


I know my life. Like ... I know it like I've been there. At least from what I can tell. Maybe I do transform into an alternate version of myself that I don't have any memory of. I don't know. I do however have ... weird scars every now and then ... and I don't know where they're coming from.
Probably just dry skin.


But ... yea. Or ... actually, that also adds the concept of childhood fantasies to the list. Like ... we would dream. Big or bigger. Whatever. If only the world would allow. But little by little ... reality takes over. And ... I figure. Could it be ... that ... hopes and dreams come from an ability to dream, where reality can now either complement it - or put roadblocks in its way?
So that ultimately ... when it comes to depression and such ... the situation is simply one of ... not seeing the possibility for hopes and dreams to flourish?

And why is that?


Or why would we live in a world that is, as they say, a cruel one?

One of the first things I had to learn - I would say - comes down to this: Their words may taste sweet, but they themselves are the foulness that they speak of.


Like is it cruel? Well - I've been mostly around nice people, I'd say - so ... to me it wasn't like ... cruel cruel. Maybe I had to listen to the one or the other heartwrecking ballad a little louder than usual - or ... deal with issues and stuff ... and bad weather.

I mean, when we come to the realization that we could make life shittier for such and such many people - by simply thinking that it is cruel while you probably never really experienced cruelty ... that's like ... so unfathomably stupid. I ... can't!
[buhuhuhu]




Uh ... sorry. Where was I?

Ah ... fuck. Well, whatever ...