My Awesomeness

Hmm. So, this topic is a bit weird. So, suitable ... perhaps ... to really lean into the whole "High as a White-Green Dragon" thing.

Anyway. Maybe it is however not all that weird. But ... it still really is. I mean - or ... I guess ... if there's any advantage to being in the Ninedom that also translates into matters of the Eightdom - it is intrinsically linked to the depth in understanding one gains in being dragged to the Source.

But ... whatever. No need to spend a lot of time on explaining deep bubbly stoner thoughts that won't matter all that much anyway.

Well. Anyhow.
Let's begin with an image. Imagine a dark void - pitch black, but somehow there's a strange something illuminating it. Maybe like ... the reflection on a screen. Then there's a humanoid figure. Made of Glass - the inside hollow. Maybe like in a computer animation that would try to "look" inside of the body. With the inside being empty - let that be a foundation, let's call it "the Hollow Persona" or "Holson" or "Holona" ... or "Holler" ... whatever. Glass Self.

In the idea, we could now - add a slider, say, to the right of the screen - like a ruler, top to bottom - to zoom in and out or whatever. Or so, shift what 'layer' or 'depth' we're looking at it. So, from Mitia to Algao - or the 1st to the 13th Level of Enlightenment. So, at the very bottom we have the transition from the being into God - and at the very top the very plainly imposed environmental reality.

So, at some point the physical body would pop in. And here one question the individual has to resolve is - at what point that happens. So, if 0 is spirit and 100 is the material whole; A pure natural sciences perspective would put the emergence of the bio-body at around 0. People in depression or some other deeply mental state might ... put it at around 120. And ... yea, actually, that could become a scale of impressions. So here at least we can all agree that 'the pivot' is at occasion higher than zero. But sometimes it's like ZERO ZERO - you know, well - like ...the smell of rain, the sound of the cars, ... like, when you have "a Moment". But quite so the opposite of a spirutal one. Here we'd be looking at the 100 ... and the fabled beyond.

And maybe that's where I'm coming from. Maybe that's how ... Unification - or the process that unfolds - manifests. So, my actual experience becomes more and more spiritual - where God can quite easily bend Reality around whatever it is He seeks to spiritually convey. So, it isn't only that more and more of my reality takes place 'mentally' - but also that these processes are ... as valid as it Gets. Because of who controlls or steers them.
But ... yea - 0 and 100 are still ... pretty vague terms. The next best margin would be 9000, and shit just blows up from there.

Anyway - you can find my estimates of how things scale in in the corresponding schematic.
Keyphrase: "From Mitia to Algao and Back again"
But also ... we can "stretch" the body. Here, the nervous system is like a ... first closest link to what is 'the Spirit'. Not as from the spirit to the body, but as from the body to the spirit.

And right there - there also are emotions. At least I find, that emotions can be quite strong. Even stronger, at times, than physical stimuli.
And there's the "Zero Consciousness" - as the spirit stretches the full way. So, we're - as per what I'm trying to tell you about - basically "looking back". Hmm ... or ... [sigh].
Am I in the ninedom looking fro...m... yea, that actually makes sense.
But anyway. So, we're standing at the zero - and look into the distant 100. So, our body produces signals - as per our senses - that we then perceive. This is now as sparks flying off into the distant - and where they meet ... that'd be our experience of them. And the same is with our mind. Though we might read a thing or see a thing that makes us angry or joyful - the reaction of our consciousness also sets things into motion that eventually produce an Emotion. Now ... the stronger it gets ... the further it punches into the distant. And ... here's a thing: Through Einstein's work we know - or understand - that there's a relativistic component to the Universe. And it would be absurd to assume that there's no greater meaning behind it - given how much meaning we generally assume of almost anything around us. Relativity, in this sense, adds infinity to the finite. The "cute trick" of it is that division by zero isn't possible. Or some such thing. I'm no expert, but given that there's only a finite amount of stuff within the limited, - an infinite amount of anything can never be afforded from within. Then, when picking some value X of something required for something else - and setting the cost to infinity, or whatever can make zero non-zero again (without adding anything). So, on the other hand then ... now ... the infinity could theoretically be afforded by just having X of whatever it was. Well - pointless exercise?
Well - the idea is this: between 0 and 100 there is a bubble somewhere ... say ... it starts at 10 and ends at ... 50. Or - the lower margin is how sensitive you are to the various stimuli - and the upper margin is a hard limit. Like ... the speed of Light.

Like - it may be tempting to assume that whatever bubbles up in our consciousness - from our subconscious - is the way of looking at this. So, here 'we' - looking from the ZERO - are sitting at the 100. So, to - set margins for this particular view then ... these are two separate scales. So - on the 'Main Scale' we have reality. The funnel of our own experience is just a part of it.

And then, here, we can talk about experiences. And the argument were, that within the eightdom ... whatever you think 100 is, is actually 50. So - that is because ... our way of imagining infinity is intrinsically limited. So, we got X of something - but that actually also only gives us 50.

As a saying goes, that someone during my childhood uttered as a joke: "The Universe is Infinite - but what is behind it? Dun dun duuuuun".
And something something Beethoven.

Anyhow.
Back to our Glass Self. That is yet again - whatever. We can select whatever scale to look at it in whatever way. In the idea. And so can we just throw the scale away - and look at it from an object-bound perspective. So here - somewhere in 'the center of my experience' (though, that's a lie ... or ... is it relative?) ... there's an ugly ... let's call it furrball of ... twisting emotions.

We might also look at it as ... "the essence or core of a nuclear reaction as ocurring within a burning star". So ... uhm ...
Well. It's just there - and I have a hard time ... figuring out what's ... involved there. Well, until today. Or, it is due to something relative to that - that I came to write all of this.

Now, ordinarily - I'd write about it starting with ETPs. Or 'Astair' as such. Astair would occupy a band ... say ... A1 to A2 ... - where A1<AX<A2 - probably falls well into what we might describe as 'subconsciousness'. To say that it takes some kind of 'spiritual experience' level of ... point on the scale ... to consciously perceive it.

But ... that aside. Now - what really ... got at me since around a month is some ... weird pressure. And while I was sitting there painting parts, again. Somehow some pressure mounted - and eventually it turned into actual physical stress. So - either I have some condition that my "hightened" mind tries to understand - or there is something about my emotional reality that is as extreme as that.

And ... well ... through Astair it doesn't have to be THAT extreme - relatively speaking. Given that Astair is like a collective thing (is "lower" (closer to zero (here: Mitia ... so 'topside')) 'because' towards either end there's a natural boundary within any one individual. Generally: Structure and Organization are settled within the first few Levels of Ascension) - ... or ... hmm. So, anyway - if 100 people fart at once it becomes a lot more smelly compared to when you're alone. Scientifically speaking.

But - yea. On a totally different page there's ... the pre-terrestrial. What matters most to me towards that end - that would be the matter ... or "Question" ... of Individuality. The matter of who or what we are - as written in the sands of time that have blown past.

As I'm sure I've written of before - but I'm not sure if it's amongst what's still accessible [the only part that's maintained is what's accessible via as normally] - as part of my "origin story" - or more so ... impressions of my first breaths of consciousness ... as in: 'ever':

But ... whenever I try to make sense of it ... I don't understand it. Well, it must be something irrational - as to say ... something that isn't rooted within rationality where rationality is a well structured garden ... . Like ... irregularities are so normal in this world ... for us it's "even difficult to imagine perfect regularity" - and when we see it ... it looks ugly to us. Or does it?

But so - the hypothesis I follow here is that ... hmm. Whatever that is ... however it works ... it has to do with me - and as it would seem: It's about me being awesome!

And if it's just me ... I hope that I'm not obnoxious about it. But so ... that's the first question: Is it just me?
Now - what can I say? Inside of me there are three wolves? One is me and the other two can go fuck themselves?

I mean ... the really curious about it is in the mood. I am heavy hearted although I - from all I can internally construct from myself am not. I mean, everything I care about is ... accounted for. Why is there a sudden burst of anger? Why is there a sudden burst of dispair? Why is there this and that - and ... how am I always the boo-person? I could be strolling down the walkway in the bestest of moods, full of vigor and self-confidence, but when I get home - and come to rest - and want to dive into some coding - all of a sudden there's guilt and shame and gossip or whatever. Some noise ... tied to an anchor that pierces into my consciousness.

And I do feel intertwined with it - in a way. Like ... I start to feel guilty and ashamed and wonder what people think of me and such and such - I eventually start to criticize myself and call the whole thing the routine of self-improvement.
I didn't connect any of these dots - except for the implication of Astair - up until ... now. Almost quite literally so.
Hmm ... I mean - if it's just me ... I guess I have to at least entertain the idea; And if only for shits and giggles ...

++++++++++++++ INTERMISSION +++++++++++++++++++++++>
Question: Does this work on Fascists?
++++++++++++++ INTERMISSION +++++++++++++++++++++++>

or just in general: The greater your goal - the more dominantly you can assert yourself before others in the sense that you can hold others to your standards - and come out on top. Which "in the Euklydian sense" means that 'greatness' is factor ... sometimes called a scaler ... to whatever a unit of greatness is.
We can think of one unit as of a Universe - so, starting with its greatness within your own self. That means that the amount of human beings there are is the lower margin for how many greatnesses there are. But then we also share certain preferences. This cultural exaltation of things presents a next degree of greatness - of which there are at least as many as there are cultures. Ever.
But yea - they may then also share things - and at any rate are there networks and connections and combinations and stuff - so we come to an even higher degree of greatnesses. But I'd argue that this degree is generally so far removed from us - we usually would at best just get to sighfully dream about it ... occasionally. Whether it's accurate or not. So - when it comes to standards that we measure one another by. A measure from where the term 'Megalomania' was coined. Unless it was coined by a Megalomaniac so for that reason. To keep our minds small.

But - this and that aside: A Euklydian approach also goes to say something about plans that are open and plans that are hidden. So - if there's a plan so great that a great many support its realization - there's a degree of dominance that can be asserted. To the question of: What is your big idea? "The end of it" I mean. And that's the key phrase here. 'The END' of it. As any great idea ... there has to be a vision. What is to be accomplished?

The strawman here is, that the Fascist cannot answer that - unless they can but then it's ... like ... red alert - because it goes against "the popular opinion". So, because the Big Plan is ... either money or "unlimited power" - or, to sell it to people - "state superiority" ... a.k.a. "the right and privilege to discriminate" ... as may or maybe not intrinsically linked with concepts such as ethical cleansing and genocide. But one must here say, that that cannot be the big idea. So ... the big idea would be "a world free of X and Y". But that's still not a great idea ... because what then? What is the thing that ... "X and Y" are 'incapable of' - as it were - such that they have to be removed in order for the thing to be done?

And yes - I suppose that some think that they have an answer. But then - we look at it and ... it has nothing to do with it. Like ... is it the economy? Are immigrants taking away your Jobs? Does a society go to shit if you hand out free money? I mean ... Japan and Germany ... couldn't be more the same and more different in that regard. Japan is famously Xenophobic and Germany is more like Xenophilic. We're both relatively small countries with both ... relatively strong economies. But it's not like Japan doesn't face the same problems that we do over here! There is like ... no difference at all! There is a bigger difference between either of us and the USA - where now we can look at what Japan and Germany have in common that the USA doesn't have.

An unhealthy Birthrate?

Well, but - in that regard we should be looking at France.

Well - at any rate. The deeper we go here - the more ... the greatness of the plan is more like ... hypothetical. Like ... if I say that I'll ... build something - and you believe me ... you may take its existence for granted - or 'future existence' - even if it isn't there yet. Nor anything done to put it there. I might be planning my next hollidays with your money while you thank me for my generosity. Anyway - to be totally honest: No. Actually ... at that point we're not even talking about a 'great plan' - but ... organizing the day to day. There however is no point in organizing something that isn't there. I mean ... is there a great plan? Is there an idea of how things should be? And ... how attainable is that?

I mean ... sure. It does matter. But actually it doesn't.
I mean - if there's an even greater plan ... we can still just stand there ... so, what's the big idea? That's the thing. To impress the Man with the Master Plan - you need to outmaster the Master at Mastercrafting a Masterplan; Though more accurately put it is to say: "at Mastercrafting THE Masterplan".

So, what is your vision for the future ... that doesn't just end in the sands of the here's and maybe's?

++++++++++++++ INTERMISSION OUT +++++++++++++++++++>

... hmm. I suppose I ought to entertain the idea of what it is that I "think" it is first.

Or might be. So ... if I'm happy with myself ... what happens? I have Joy. And I feel as though I thereby produce some kind of energy. Or give off some vibe. And I'm under the impression that 'vibe' is like ... an accepted something that exists. But also energy in that ... there's an intensity to our emotions, or senses, or whatever - that we can influence. Well ... 'Motivation' is needed - and the more developed or powerful version would be called 'drive'.

We now do have no idea ... and I'll just leave it at NONE WHATSOEVER ... of what kind of Medium we're dealing with. In as far as we have multiple assumptions of which none truly outvalues the other - and nothing conclusive to boot - we have no idea.
So, what is this energy? How could we measure it? I mean ... it is there ... and I can certainly "imagine" certain things hard enough for them to happen in physical reality. That's ... how we walk and talk and such. "Gundams are Avatars of the Human Spirit".

And how does Astair work? Or "how would it work?".

The simplest hypothesis that we get to emit something - and that these emissions exist in some hyperdimensional space that we're all as connected with as we are with the physical plane. If this space were to exist - our potential could extend as far as into telepathy. My concept of a truly shared soul by the way is that of ... well ... shared emotions. Such as the concept of the relationship as a shared emotion - in which both essences intermingle.

Like ... when it comes to my emotional journey of Love ... there was at first this ... blazing ... emotion. And after a while ... spiced up by disappointment ... a broken heart appeared in my realm of imaginations. Or ... not so much a broken one. One about to tear apart. And ... in an effort to mend it - I'd further lean into that blazing emotion - while my experiences with it ... as fueled by the spices of disappointment ... became more and more torturous sadness. But what I concerned myself with in reality eventually took its own course - I started to let go ... and then found ... something else. Something that didn't end in sadness ... and little by little ... it would seem the heart has mended more and more. Is that how you say it? Oof ... I'm high.

So ... I should retreat into some peace for a bit.

Or not?
Well ... . So - at least at some point that's a picture of me living as in an alternate reality - getting things entirely wrong ... and blaming God for all of my hardships.

But ... how? How ... or ... what?
So - I felt these emotions ... these blazes ... towards multiple individuals. Well - and to that I also count 'flavors' ... off topic?

So, what I'm wondering ... is probably answered in silence.

Like - for a large chunk of my life I was like ... arguing with ... whatever. Over ... whether my Family is legit or not. So, my 'second' family if we go Chronologically. So, second instance of ... my Awesomeness.

And at the far end of it - I have to wonder. By all that I have done ... what I have discovered and ... sure, people tend to like the things I do. But ... so ... if I'm ... all that Awesome ... where is my Glory?

And if it's not with me, with whom is it then? And for what ... is it used?
So, how awesome am I?

Can I go like: So - since this is about me ... or ... this officially acknowledgable presence of the divine among us ... this source ... this new Light ... to ask you: What's next to come? Can you tell? If you are of the Divine - where is your God?

And yea. From what I can tell - the forces of the Spirit raised me ... into a privileged attitude. I am principally privileged it would seem ... such that the experience of an absence of privilege is a curiosity at best. Something part of the Lessons about privilege that I had to learn. But ... taking privilege from me is like ... taking letters out of words. Privilege is part of my identity. Royally so.

And ... I ... suppose now I learned what my life is like without glory. To say that I can do without - but, for reasons of why I shouldn't ever let anyone impersonate me IRL I would want it back as in: Be myself in the Real world.

But as it stands ... my assumptions lead me to the impression, that I'm like ... recycling their shit into gold. Like ... digestively. They shit into my heart - and they take my reaction to it for themselves. And I must assume that there's an amount of attention that they receive - like ... what they ought to digest ends up with me. So, I get the shit - that they're supposed to bathe out themselves. I should stop being Awesome, but ... how?

I mean, I'm like ... used to it for some reason. To feel alone and misunderstood, left to myself and the shortest ends of every stick. And it's tiring. I mean ... am I insane? Or why is there nobody ... whom I can share these things with?

Do I have to ... dramatically return ... home; And require a decision of faith? Well, I've tried such stunts before ... and apparently I'm bad at it!

Anyway. I guess ... that's all I have to ... say ... for ... so long.