More of that?

Hmm ... wait. To write here ... I need to *be* more than just somewhat high ...

*apparently I'm good enough tho*

Well, it was like a third of my budget for the day anyway ...

I mean ... next week and the week thereafter are hollidays. So I was worried that I might run out of weed during that time. So ... I started splitting my weed into two piles - formed a third one of all the small stuff - and distributed the original two into seven piles - each supposed to last me two days. Then I had some rest to call a "bank" - then I figured that friday and saturday weren't part of this distribution, so, separated some "light up" buds - and then some little buds for the days till then. At this rate I'm consuming more than I thought, but have more than enough - I think - to last me through the hollidays.


Anyway. Yesterday was weird ... and it did occupy me a lot today. Weird feelings; And part of them were some - I'd right now call them positive - ones. They've started to pop up as of late.
But so - I don't think it's fair to say that I was, yesterday, visited by myself from the Past as part of the Jesus showing us our futures thing. But that's how I felt. So, I would love to just pretend that it was that, but ... if a serious person knew exactly what was going on in me - they'd point out that it could also have been ... just imaginary. That's certainly more likely. A curious assumption brought to life - that may now also give me a wrong image of myself.
A ... weird side-effect of ... this "event" however was that ... yea, some old scar came to light. Or scarS. Though on the forefront of my mind it's really just one thing. One ... really large ... thing. And now my mind is just locked into this image I now have of my past self - where the only thing missing is me attesting to you that "it all makes so much (more) sense now!".

But yea. As with my plushies and my Gunpla - I have to acknowledge that I ... do tend to project. Myself or whatever - onto objects. And possibly also people. It's like my mind is leaking - and whatever stuff I have around me serves as sponge to suck it up. So, to my idea at least. With real people I however understand that they do their own thing ... so, but - that's neither here nor there right now.
So - there's a real chance that that's all there is. But ... here's a thing: On occasion I feel ... like I'm overweight. Though in reality I'm the opposite. And being not really fit - there might be some similarities - but more to the point is all that based on instances where I was under the impression that God referred to me as such. And yesterday - while being sucked into this mental time-whirl - there was again a hint that ... made me rethink how I thought of my past self - and ... based on how it clicked ... the first thing would be that I was chubby. And there's one actor that came to my mind - right away. Like, I'd usually think about say ... Keanu Reeves ... mostly because I used to be a slim dude with short black hairs. To say something like ... we were roughly the same type. At least ... to my mind. IRL I suppose I was a lot more slim and ... stuff. But there was always something in me ... not sure. Now I'd say 'Jonah Hill' and sign it in a heartbeat. Like I know him from the movies at least. The adult version.


And that comes with a lot of baggage.
Like ... I myself would still refer to "Him" as 'Him' - in my head as about myself - which is just the thing around which this whole sorrowful story unfolds.

So, as not anything even remotely meant to accurately present the past - but a trip through the firings or misfirings of my psyche - part of my Clique at first would be three people. One of the 12 and two of the Ladies. And that one dude ... I'd say ... he's a wonderful Guy. The first to call me by my proper pronouns - the first to even surmise or imply as much, by just doing it. So much so, that the two ladies would at first find it strange - but totally on board with it after thinking about it for a whole moment or two. But here ... there's one crack already. Like the two girls didn't right away go like "duh, she's a woman!" - so was I. And I didn't have the benefit of ... relating to me externally.
And so - there's like me. A dude way to embarassed of his own thoughts - who was like declared Queen of the Cosmos ... by someone who by all accounts any witness could bring was/is the actual God of Creation. And there was no way for me to just accept that - like ... I'd first have to accept my own femininity. The issue wasn't accepting that it's there - the issue was more like ... accepting that I am HER.

So, whenever someone would use my true pronouns - I'd feel like ... they mean someone else. And I still have troubles with it. Again, the problem isn't accepting that it's there. The problem is ... bridging the gap in myself.

And that's not even the issue yet.

The issue begins ... with low self-esteem. And I know myself. Like so ... when at some point I felt like "even I think that I suck" - as coming from my past self - I right away felt very guilty, for causing that impression but at the same time ... being honest with myself ... I can feel that very deeply within me. And not only that. It ... like ... must have persisted with me - so that I don't like that particular behavior of me; So that when I today would spot it in my own ... albeit past self ... it's like ... the cycle is complete. Except ... I may very well still be that way.


Well, at the heart of it at least. I mean - I've given it some thought today. And - at the heart of it ... I think there are things about us that ... are ... inevitabilities. To not just say "the way they are". That's ... one thing. Me being privileged is also just the way it is - but ... or, although not a "natural" thing. What now comes with that privilege ... are inevitabilities.


Oh, I've gotten ahead of myself.
So, low self-esteem. Like ... so, God chose me for whatever reason, for ... whatever my position is, ... to which my fear to mess up - or even just the shame of my very own self, perhaps - produces a sense of inferiority that is compounded by my own awareness of my own limited self. And no God powers to like ... make it easy on me. More like the opposite.
It's like ... there was this Gundam-sized shoe dropped next to me little Gnome ... and everyone around me starts treating me like a Natural Desaster ... and then I start talking about Computers, Video-Games and Giant Robots.

And I don't know. Should I give 'her' that? Well. Yea. Although, there's this thing ... like - how all in my family have this bi-gender thing going on ... . But anyway. Anyway. She's ... definitely smart. Brilliant even. She's a lot of things ... that she might not ... I mean, she was aware but ... like there's nothing special about existing when you're really just existing ... . The only thing I could do is worry about ... how 'I' might ever fit into those shoes - and guilt tripping like nobody ever has nor ever will, with an inferiority complex so big it went critical; And an imposter syndrom so severe, I think of myself around multiple corners.


So, there go inevitabilities. Now, whoever I was there - that's also a long way from whoever I was back when ... I became King of Israel. I mean - I feel like there's something distinct about every life. Or lifetime. So, when I think of myself now - or as I grew up - inspecting the Characteristics I know as my own, through the lens of my Childhood, I can now associate certain traits with certain Characters. Maybe it's the concept of a Character that helps bind it together. But, so ...

There's one memory that has since ... come to my mind once too often to fly below the radar any longer. It ... was probably in Japan. I was ... a dude carrying a sword. I was walking, or running, on a path through a forrest - trying to make it to a place; Well knowing that I could never make it in time. And it was during that trip, that I had an existential crisis. Somehow the concept of Gender also played a role. Like ... totally unrelated. While I was running - I would assume - in some meditative state of ... making haste - the idea crossed my mind ... and just kept sticking there while I was anyhow ... already massively ... stressed, I would assume.
Like ... could have been 'life or death'.
And I was going to be like ... one or two days ... late - or worse.
But that's now - also a neat picture. I had to deal with the concept of time, how things go when they don't go your way, powerlessness - and the concept of effort in face of such circumstances. And if I have my truck-load of Zen from somewhere, it's probably to do with that.


My recklessness ... that's ... David I would say. John is comedy relief and a stereotype.
And ... the only reason he isn't known as a Drunk is because during his visit yesterday he learned of Lemonade. And also this whole Weed thing?

And I suppose it was during my last life that I learned 'enjoyment' - or so ... 'merriment' perhaps. As in ... to enjoy a fine wine ... have a smoke ... as ... to zone out a bit and leave the troubles of the world be. Maybe saddened by the reality of things ... and the realization of our relative insignificance, but also appreciative of the good potential - what can you do? But to ... eat and drink ... and be merry under the sun?


And yea. This is how such complex and special characters as we are ... can come to exist.
So - David ... with reckless abandon ... and ... God's blessing. That's ... people might say ... a bad mix. Like, when someone who's way too hot-headed for themselves also tends to succeed. And with THAT I think I get to the crux of my issue.


All of this: a.k.a. the "Gideon to Liliana pipeline".

So - maybe it starts with the question: For me to establish dominance in this World, as I would have as a Goddess ... how would one go about it? So, there's the part where I just have it. And then there are parts where I don't. Like ... say ... you take a jump that's way too much for you and you realize that while it's also too late but somehow you still make it. And twist that into what would otherwise be a perfectly normal life - extended into lifetimes over centuries or even millennia.
Like ... I was sitting there showing Elden Ring to my past Self. I picked a save ... failed against Messmer a few times - (getting back into those games High is rough) - then picked the one I beat Consort Radahn with, and looked for somewhere to go. Was ... this ... Pentecost? ... Uhm. Mumbling to myself. I felt assumptions forming in my mind - like, how this whole map is pieced together out of smaller ones - then ... teleported to ... what's it ... northeast in the weeping peninsula ... and headed south. Bam!
Anyway. Makes me wonder: Is Ganon ... inspired by my ramblings about Messmer? And Link based on my Tarnished? Nah ... but the idea is funny.
So, I killed some Ghost-Knights, rode around, found those stone blocks and tried to climb them. So, I leaped onto one, tried to get to the other and missed the jump. And then it came from within me "I bet I would've made it!" - or something to that effect - which is I think where that part of me came to piss me off personally. So, now - for the last few centuries then - I've ... been troubled about it.


And yea. I know it. When I see people ... fail ... I get that urge to try for myself. And ... it's an urge. And through it - I eventually ... gained self-confidence. But also ... like ... respect for what people do. So, it's a privilege issue. There are things I have to learn - so, if I had been there before I could drop hints or give tips. But ... doing so ... is one of the more deprived ... as in 'neglected' ... "branches" of me - personally, right now.
In this life I'm more so about being myself.

I mean - I didn't transition for some reason other than my own. That me is me - and that ... for my own sake ... I have to do it. 'Want' is such a terrible word in this context - because ... you for instance don't necessarily 'want' -all the things- you're getting yourself into. You're also not yet sure if you'd like it more. But then it's also like: You also don't need to ask yourself whether or not you want to breathe. You just do it, although it's not like the coolest or most fun thing to do. And whether or not it sucks ... point of perspective.
But so, at least early on, there's also no real way of saying 'me being me' - when it's literally a point of transition as from one to another part of self.

But - inspecting that 'other' part of self, well. That - for once - isn't what I mean by 'male self'. Hmm. Right now at least, what I see is ... an identity held together mostly by fear. A life constructed mostly by shame. Literally. I'd buy something I like - and out of worries someone might think that it's gay ... hide it away and have things opposite to that instead. And so there wasn't much of a self - but ... a figure hidden beneath appearances.
And with nothing holding it there - holding it in place - as by ... giving it purpose ... - and knowledge of a possible cure - I eventually had to make a very real call about my very real conditions.


Like ... instead of trying to run to where you'll never arrive, go where life is waiting for you!


So, what I have learned so far is ... that I should let people do their thing, so I have more time to care about my own. Basically. In essence; All that came - or comes - down to me growing more refined about my privileges as I learn to model myself around them. I would say.

I mean. It's not a logical thing. Initially there was this thing ... just an abstract image highlighting some aspect of my mind that I could control; Like a finger; That I had to keep in a certain position. But it was difficult - like, I also didn't understand what it meant; So ... there also was a cognitive limitation to it. But over time ... I suppose I changed accordingly. Say ... something about 'proximity of thoughts'. So, moving certain thoughts closer to my heart made me ... interact with them more effectively. And that ... might eventually manifest in then other ways, as based on whatever was grown on the affected things. So, instead of being brash ... I'm more reserved.


Well. Conflict Oriented, Ambitious - but humble. And positive. So I think I started ... and there sure is still enough of that to go around. Maybe.

But yes. So ... I guess that's it for today.
Happy Day of Rising!


':)