"It's probably stupid"

So, today turned out quite nice. So far - and for all I care, the rest of it is happening outside where I'm not. So - sun is shining; And that's certainly a positive change from the usual grey in grey that we had the past weeks.

On the other hand though, I feel like from what I've written yesterday - something's missing. In many ways. Like how in the end I didn't only have ONE issue. Though I'd try to tell you that it's all connected - but, yea.


I so felt a bit warm and fuzzy from people - probably - having pitty with me. But - that wasn't there today. And ... that's ... basically the problem. Or is it?

Well, it's a part of it. Actually though (the Lemonade, should anyone care, is branded as "Die Limo" from "granini" - barcode number 4 048517 742682, but I also enjoy Orangina very much - while so far nothing beats a Royal which I thus far have only seen in the Philippines and an Asia import store in the USA; Apparently there's too much bad stuff in there for it to be on sale here ... anyway - all in all it's almost a complicated issue;) I meant to re-iterate, as for my own sake. I mean, I didn't really have much time to digest these things. Then, what I blurt out here that then gives me stuff to think about is usually more than ... I can work through in a single day. Especially, or at least, when there's still other stuff to do also.


But yea. There are a few sentences that I've had on mind for yesterday's writing that didn't quite make it. The most important one is for me to put it out there - that apparently I have reason to think, that I should feel ashamed of associating with John. And that's ... not a topic that does bother me much, but when it does, it does bother me hard.

Not in this particular configuration. I am who I am and whether that's cool or not - that's ... a different question. And cool is relative. For here, anyway, I'm more concerned about being honest and accurate. Not to say that there isn't a chance for the occasional brain-slip.

So, whether I should be ashamed of being John or John being ashamed of me besmirching their name - right now doesn't bother me. Though it did bother me the whole day ... give or take ... while not having come to actually think about a proper response. I mean, it is what it is - and before I went home yesterday my take on things was this! The headline! It's ... probably stupid!


To say, whatever issue one might have.
I would then say: But I do have an issue. That one thing that annoyed me!
I suppose it was difficult to be really clear about what I mean - but overall I think it's best summed up as my fear from being too full of myself. And it's like ... y'all can't tell me that I'm not. Or that it's not a thing. Because it definitely is. And ... I can't help it because ... "the Universe conspires against me in that regard". So, the final take on that for me was ... that I probably can't change it - but how I handle it. But, outside of the proper context it ... probably sounds way more convoluted than it actually is.

Like, try explaining Gunpla to someone ... anyone - if what you're actually trying to convey is cool you think it is. Then there's value judgment; And if they don't get it then you're not as cool as you'd like to think - like, now you have this weird hobby and maybe you just have to make a better point at showing how cool it is. But to explain a fascination unto someone is ... like trying to ignite rain. It's ... maybe something Hollywood might try its hands on ... but generally not a bright idea.
Except maybe you're living on Venus. But that's not what we're talking about nor is it safe to assume that anyone is. If so, then sorry!

But maybe it's a skill issue.


And already I completely lost the thread ...


Hey, fun fact: God is scared of me! Well, it's complicated - but at the heart of it is an issue that He and I share - and may just be why I'm His chosen. It shouldn't be a secret, that while I'm very much part of the Alphabet Mafia - there still is this issue with these "Wokistadores" - say, when thinking of my relationship with God; How it's like an abusive relationship and ... how I can also talk about personal neglect. Like, thinking of our relationship as of one between humans - everyone would probably tell me to leave him.

I mean, in that sense - he's like Goku and I'm like Chichi. Which I guess is also a way of saying that it's my choice. And that whole nonsense about ... whether or not that actually is the case ... isn't something I want spend much time on.

But so, you here have this ... thing, call it an issue or problem or a whole lot of them, which may extend back even further. Maybe ... I had to bear the shame of Jesus associating with me because of how people would talk or think about 'me'.
So, I would have been the main reason why people were skeptical about Jesus - so that on the flipside I felt ... or feel ... like I'm at the center of some cosmic joke. And yea, if this whole thing fails and goes nowhere - I'd be blaming myself. I guess in my head I've already written all of this off accordingly.


But then, all of that is also just beside the point. Because ... at the end of the day I'm having problems from thinking about something - where the simple solution is to just not think about it anymore. I mean, that would be the point. I'm bothered by something ... that I thought about ... and I try to solve it so that it doesn't bother me anymore. Yet, or so, however I think of the problem requires a different solution - and once I've fixed it all ... I yet have to wonder whether or not that had anything to do with it.
But yes - then I'm again like: But that one thing is a very real issue!
But then again ... I didn't find a solution by thinking about it.

And that's ... the ultimate lesson that I - and I'm sure the others too - had to learn. Or why Jesus is all in all ... "like that". You know it too. Like ... not there where (you think) you need him. Like, I suppose we were all hoping for more - and I believe Jesus also told us so. Like, from how I feel - he told me and some few others who I am ... and that was that. Leaving me - all in all - like ... yea ... and what the fuck now? And sure ... I guess in theory the whole thing was clear. But ... at that point that's also pretty much all it was. A theory. How it might work out ... who knows. But I think we all did - in the end - what all of us did - which is to just ... walk out ... into the world ... to whatever destination.


Today I suppose we could say that technically ... taking a walk is already good enough. Mabye alone, maybe high, ... but generally still.
But then it's also true, that the further you are from home - or "base" - the more different the situation is - and actuality eventually has a way of trickling down.

And so, the first career we all had - eventually - due to Jesus Christ - was that of the professional "homeless".
Except for Peter I guess. :/... .
And God knows. That was also a bit of a thing ... that ... not everything that went down was also for everyone.


I mean, it's tempting for me to ... lean into my weakness ... as it were. To ... be troubled, to be in disbelief - but that would be more so a thing that would besmirch Christ.

In the end the secret was to just be myself - and that I yet had to live through a few things before that would be "more like it" - but ... that's how it is with 'unfinished things'.


Then again ... I don't think I'm finished just yet - like we ever are - but I'm still degrees more complete than before. Well ... it is what it is.