Between two Doors

Yep - well, I've taken a huuuge head to launch into hollidays. Relatively speaking. Like, two or three times the amount I've gotten used to. Which is like ... the last 4 or 5 days.

And, may I sigh in agony for a moment? Time's so fast. And - things are changing a lot ... within my - constantly. And I always feel like I need to find some ... place of rest, an achor maybe, or a moment of recollection or whatever ... but so far haven't really found it.


Hmm. Previously I've had issues because of the past that I lost. Lost memories ... like some old Plushie or even just some Lego build. Which - by the way - couldn't exist because anything we built usually ended up back in the box again. After so long.
Hmm ...
But ... then, thinking of the past eventually takes me weird places. Like, when I write about my gramps or how I personally experienced racism - I say my piece and after that ... I have doubts. Or am second guessing. Like, maybe I remember wrong or didn't notice. And yea ... racism ... .


There's a word then that came to my mind. I think my mum uttered it a few times being very upset about it. The term is "Gesindelkind". It's ... actually a pretty horrible term. "Gesindel" is a very derogatory term for 'undesirables'. It has a scent of "people who don't behave orderly" - which may also apply to looks and smell. And Kind is 'Child'. So, "child of an undesirable" is in this context however a bad translation because unlike how it is in this english expression, there isn't really much space for interpretation.

Then ... maybe my gramps was upset at some point, maybe we stopped seeing parts of the family after a while - yet all that I knew of were very kind to us. I'd say that as we got older and grew up to be normal kids ... it was all well until our parents got devorced.
Prior to that ... we had friends - some of which were 'bad influence' - and they'd go from blonde and blue eyed to "Aslak".
And then there was this incident. A friend was over - I had my Lego Castle on a shelf/table ... and somehow he managed to sit ontop of it. This dude also considered me a Nazi because the robot that I had built had the german flag on it. Black-Red-Yellow. Which again is like ... a peek into a world that goes far beyond what I feel equipped to handle.


So ... the more I think about it ... the more I find this harsh contrast; Between all that kind of stuff that ... I don't like - and the other side. People to just hang around with - folks that don't make trouble, ... all down for just trying to have a good time.

And so far I managed to shove all of the "dirt" into the one corner - without it bleeding into my reality too much.


And yea - this is all a good start to the topic here. As for the head ... there's this issue: After I've gotten used to being high ... I eventually stumble into these ... holes. Like a bump, a crack in the road. I feel low ... things drag ... and I feel like I should take a break. But then I still have enough left to just ... go on ... and the issue seems to be different. It's not that I should smoke less, but that I should smoke more. Perhaps. So, that the 'art' of 'staying' high is ... well. If you're also supposed to eat and drink and sleep ... complicated, as per the biochemical processes that get involved and how that can affect the cognitive balance. So, one reason the bong is better - and as such a staple of the culture - is because you can smoke the weed more effectively. A Joint is good if it's 'the occasion' - but unless you have company, I suppose you'd smoke it in multiple goes - and not all at once. And while technically you can still be sure that the whole is getting burned - you can't be as sure that all that which is burned is also getting inhaled. And then there's the occasional ... "bad one" ... which is like trying to drink pudding through a straw I suppose. Or the thing burns crookedly ... . But so it's also ... easier to reduce tobacco consumption. Well, depending on habits I assume. There's also less stress. And it's practically "on demand". Like ... wouldn't it be nice if ... ?
But so ... a tiny bit was enough to get goodly high ... but eventually it wasn't - and yet I smoked more and ... yet something was off.


But that's also just a side-note.
And with all that out of the way ... maybe I should take a little break first.


Or another bing from the bong.
Well. So - before I started writing this I was laying on a blanket on the ground ... lights out but the purple of the screen and a crack of daylight ... and I think ... the first problem of mine is that I don't know ... where to stand ... . I mean - I do stand my ground here. I state what I think is right - how I back it up - but then I also feel a bit empty at times. Which makes 'it' seem ... empty. Hollow. So, after I wrote 'Dreams of a Fallen Angel' ... it also kind of lost its ... stuff. Flavor. Something.

Spark?

And I realize ... that between God and me there's still this ... huge gap. For all that I care ... all that I get from Him is what He gives me - and that isn't much; Apart from all the things that do seamlessly blend in with "nothing special".

Well, it is all a matter of perspective - but to my conscious self, yea, He isn't there - for what should be obvious reasons - but He also doesn't care much about showing His face either. And that usually takes me to ... the things that I'm standing behind here on this site ... and all is well. But ... at the end of the day ... I ... basically still don't know what I'm doing. Between my life within and my life outside - and the various spaces within either of the two - I'm actually lost.


But yes. "What is real? How do we define real?".
That is the question. And as for where I'm now ... I think ... there just isn't 'the right space' yet - the one that matters - but I also have no clue how to pull people in. I mean, at the end of the day ... there is definitely a degree of sacrifice to it.

And then ... real is what we make of it.

Thanks ... and ... happy hollidays/winter solstice.
And ... sure ... 'Merry Christmas'.