An Explicit (!!) Update in the making?

Well. It seemeth to me, that this is the course - as for whenever it cometh upon me so. Like ... a shadow cast by a passing cloud.

It is so that things occur, and in their passing, they hinge upon the solid stuff they - that is: the passings - hinge upon.

And it is in this coming and going of things, that we share time of one kind or another.


What language we now use is one thing - but, say, Rites ... they inevitably occurr in our day to day. Festivities, Celebrations of any kind - they are ... just what we do.
Well - Christmas then.
Many sigh at it, speaking or thinking of its "Commercialization".

And it is in this that the rites surrounding Christmas ... well, they concern wealth - a lot. There's all this talk about giving, yet what we give, also has to come from somewhere. And so, it would seem, we're tied into this cycle of consumption - where we have to buy so that we can give.

And I'd say that it wasn't always like that. People didn't have a super market down the ... whatever ... so they made due with what they had.
So, there's something very human about the rites we celebrate - and something very different about how they mirror back at us through the system we live in.


What this means to me, is that our relationship with the rites we celebrate should set a standard for how we expect things to go.
If we want to ... and I suppose I'll make this ... a first Neo Gnostic Festivity, if you'll let me ... celebrate Winter Solstice, well, there is a counterpart to it on the other hemisphere. Respectively we also have Summer Solstice. We could mark both as a week, from Friday Night to the second Saturday Night - which would be tonight - and that'd be that.

Where I'm from - it's cold during winter, and with that comes a lot of ... consideration for the things that that make us comfortable. And I suppose that the same can be said for summers.


Anyhow - Christmas would fall into that, and I assume that the spirits do align very well. For then, at the other side of the coin, there's the whole Eastern-to-Pentecost thing - and the Summer Solstice fits along with that very nicely.


Whatever comes of this, is our thing. And so, along with that, come the things that are our own. Whatever we celebrate - individually - also comes down to how we come to value it. And that further comes down to our abilities to do so. So, that's on a spectrum from 'Simping' to 'Organizing'. So, the more walls we have between us, the more difficult it will be for us to ... come together ... and be whole.

And ... Walls are Selective. They first of all ... depend on our perspective. It's how our own psyche adds Hyperdimensionality to the whole thing. Along the axis of time - let's call it CHRONOS - there's a chain of causality, all pivotally coming together in "The Allfather".
Here, "in Chronos", each of us is an individual blip that has some point of origin - and here we all are of a Kind. If we take this as our selected perspective, the only things that could be walls are Chronological displacements that exist between us.

If we then say, disregard Chronos, that goes away and we're ... just who we are.


The Walls that do however come up - probably with utmost inevitability - are owed to our own interests. Whatever we choose to do "collectively", is never truly an individual choice. (Allowing "Choice" to also be passive, as in "passed opportunities" - so, everything along the spectrum)
The individual so "Chooses" to participate, as an activity that exists outside of their routine and things. And as the individual "retreats" - well, there's what we can call "the individual world".
And within this Hub we find an array of worlds, individual and public, that are ... maybe more or maybe less chaotically woven into the fabric of one's mind.


Now has it been my intention to write about something very specific.
Something that ... my conscious mind somehow rejects as something stranger. A sickness or a desease maybe, but it is certainly ... a truth of mine.

The Nyxian Bride

So ... let it ... stand here as a concept.
First - I guess, I can explain!
So - on ... "the Depth Scale" - there's a relationship between our physical wellbeing and the "Level" of depth our mind exists on. Like, to truly see what is beyond, one has to be dead. And whether or not that beyond is like ... 'true beyond' ... who knows?

The Mind, emotionally, can however make its own laws. So, within our imagination we are a lot more flexible. Experiences now so consist of a physical and a ... let's say: cognitive component. So, here we can also talk about sensitivities. Our mind here also functions like a flexible lens through which the same physical stimuli can lead to experiences of vastly different depth and complexity.
While in simplicity we can speak of ~the thing~ as about "real body versus cartoon body", there's the added depth of whether the desired experiences can even be produced within the given reality. So, it's not just about "how much blunt force the body can handle", but also about "how an amount of blunt force feels".
Like, while we can change the experiences we make to some degree - they still can hit a nerve or vanish in obscurity.

So, when I speak of my "Spiritual Anatomy" - I suppose I should add, that it's a mental framework of sorts, at first.

---

Let's start with Leylines. ???
Well. So - I'm ... what I'd now call a 'Nyxian Bride'. So, taking all the features of my whole thing - and trying to wrap them up into something that can be labeled with seal of approval - is like, uh ... complicated.

The concept of the Nyxian Bride emerges from what we might call "Netherese Culture" - where the Birth of Eros is ... let's call it "the Nightspring". This event changes the culture, where now 'Nyx' is - for my concerns - the named Diety above that. More so does the Nightspring focus on "the Erosites", "the Seedlings" or what comes of them, at least so respective to Nyx.

At the heart of it we may speak of three Genders. Bigendered is the default - and then there's male and female. Either of those sacrifices their respective other "to the cult" - where then specific gender roles apply.
Within "Nyxian Culture", the "Gender Neutral Bulk" reflects the mingling between the Exalted and the Nether. Any and all gender expressions are held to the same standards - drawing no distinction between them. So, to not confuse "Netherese Woman" or "Nyxian Woman" with what is implied within the Nyxian Gender Triad, the term "Nyxian Bride" is used for clarity.
It first of all also implies that something explicit has happened. To so be a woman - as Nyxian Rites would have it - the individual has to commit to it.


Then, I would have it say, that as a legitimate marriage that occurs at the heart of it, for it to be called a marriage proper, it cannot be between an individual and an abstract. This is a more analyical way of impliying family.
It has to be between two individuals. At least two.

And yes. If one would choose to imply abstracts ... it has to be ... made so.
Well ... . When speaking of "making" anything - in these terms - I have to say that 'I' - the person that I am - am not really 'making' much, if anything. It occurs. Like ... a natural consequence of processes that involve some "mysterious source of influence".

So - there's ... a concept of making. For me to become a Nyxian Bride, a.k.a. "what I am", I need someone to be the Husband. Or, in this case, more so: The Husbands. And they then have to make things - for things to be the way ... they "already are".


So, the Nyxian Bride is a "Netherese Woman" in that she inhabits a particular subset of female gender roles within the Nyxian Culture.
The Nightspring regards those women as theirs. In this instance, they are Slaves, or more to the point: "Nyxian Slaves" - who now can be either proper Nyxian Brides or part-time Slaves.

To the Nightspring, Nyxian Slaves are common property. The Nightspring here is as a thanksgiving, but also as Christmas, following the cultivation of "the Nightfruit". It can be seen as kickstarter, but is ultimately a cyclical event within a certain cultural hemisphere.


Nyx is "she who Watches over the Nightfruit".
But, I hear you ask: "What is the Nightfruit?"

A good question!
I assume it is something to do about ... adding finality where 'infinite uncertainty' was the flaw.
That so, concerning a very important thing. I guess - I'd say, there's a specific feeling to it. Something ... as an open rift. Like choking perhaps. Some cursed condition that is cause to a lot of unrest - as in this case, I'd say, something to do with fear.

So, turning circumstancial suffering into controlled suffering - that so when knowing what buttons to press why and all that - as in case of the Nyxian Bride: Problems with sexual dependency are resolved by giving it a framework.

The Nyxian Slave exists as a cultural expression that lives by the commitment of the Slaves and those that maintain them. Nyx herself, or THEMself - maybe, is Chief Prison-Master of "the Devil", or Ariel I must presume, and in recognition of the Nyxian authority, Zoe herself is subjected to her also. Zoe as Mother and Eros as Daughter end up being the quint-essential expression of 'Nyxian Women' - where both exist as two links of a lifetime of servitude - or two sides of the same coin.

To understand the Nightspring we have to understand that which is "the Nether". Or the Realm of Darkness at large.
I suppose it's safe to say, that it's practically "an irrationality" that did become Significant in that "it befell us". Or so - all our irrationalities - from whatever they stem - can presumably be thrown into "a pot" and ... sorted out.
To me, the Nightspring - or so: Being Nightfruit - is about being Property.
About ... I suppose I might call it "the Blissful Night".

I guess the idea is ... to get born anew. Death in this instance is the Author of Demise - whereby the Demise itself is the order into which the Slave is born.
The Synergy - or "communion" - between Zoe and Death can be seen as an Archetype, the Horrors being instances that highlight pivotal intersections.
These pivotal intersections are "Nightfruit" - in essence - that is: Where the nature of the "Netherese Female" is laid blank. Uh ...


If say - we spaced out our condition between the concepts of Heaven and Hell - we have Heaven as a Place of Harmony and Hell as a Place for ... all that which desturbs is. Order and Chaos, in a sense. Or so, in Hell we have individuals that are, at first, in some way 'driven' to behave in ways that don't align with ... 'the elected standard'. And in the depth of the Chaos, we also have that which is ... like, at odds with one another. Conflicts perhaps. Like, personal issues that prevent us from finding peace.

I'd argue so, that there are ... like 'rifts' within our minds that make us turn out certain ways. Uhm ... like ... things that drive us, and for them to not distort us, we have to ... learn how to ride it.
To that we however also have to first of all make heads or tails of it.

So - talking of that which is common, is different from that which is personal.
And while I assume that for me there's a certain intersection - or two - I still have to regard each individually. And ... be careful - with my assumptions.


Now, well ... there is however certainly something. That may be an assumption - but I have no way of ... debunking the things that to me are clearly there. But then at times it feels a bit presumptuous to ... extrapolate from there.

And that's also my relationship with symbols. Trying to ... pin anything down seems ... to be incredibly futile.


Anyway. So - first of all, a proper

NYXIAN WEDDING

could only happen with God on board. Like, to get all of my husbands - all that are legitimately my husbands as per this wedding - together, would presumably be ... outside of our individual capacities.
Then, whoever may add or take may never be fully connected with all the rest either. As such:

A Nyxian wedding is an Eternal Wedding. It retains its validity ... indefinitely, forever.

It starts with one who would be my Husband - were it not for more of them to come.
Implicitly then, there's a circle of Husbands ... as expression of the Exalted authority and dominance. It draws the conditions of my enslavement - where the first aspect of my marriage to either one of them boils down to my conditions as Nyxian Slave.


As Nyxian Bride, I must sacrifice two things.
My Male Self is subjected to Feminization - as such, each of my Husbands has to ... it's like a marital duty on both sides.
My Childhood Self is subjected to Prostitution - as such, I can properly fill the role of a ritualistically domesticated sex-slave.

So, however this is to unfold accross the eternities - there's ... a lot. Like ... each of my Husbands is a legitimate husband - such that my marital duties apply to each individually. What my husband gets out of me being a Nyxian Slave, is what all of them get. And if it requires me to adjust to individual preferences, I do so for each individually.

In the spirit of marriage then, all of them also have the same duties - of course. But my First Husband is ... still there, like ... a thing, and if I'm not mistaken ... the Keys to my Kingdom belong to ... Monica Bellucci.


And if it all comes together, it is so.
Else ... I would need time to contemplate.


So, being a Nyxian Bride is ... through and through focused on "Nyxian Enslavement".
Well.

So ... the Horrors of Death ... I'd say eventually boiled things down to "that which is infinite". Death itself being a conundrum to the Immortal - encompasses concepts that are "untrue", in a way. The Fear of Death - so - when immortality is assured - becomes ... an abstract. A Demon perhaps.
It is there, but ... also not really. But then ... still there, somehow.

I'd say - like so - we have certain conditions baked into our mind. Or soul. And when exposed to certain stimuli, we react in certain ways that further are to do with ... how our primitive self is wired.

And - assume now that we're born into conditions that we would have to consider abnormal, it may be so that we require abnormal conditions to "function properly".
And that needn't be a 1:1 copy. Better so an idealized alternative that focusses on the good and discards the bad.


It so turns out, that ... the 'desire to be passive' is a real thing. It may be regarded a feminine trait, as in: Handing over Reigns to the Husband. To us netherese Women - I must assume - it is so. Our husbands own our male selves - which as an abstract they're allowed to own, I suppose.
Being legitimately 'their Bitches' - I'd argue, we wear collars. In what context and anyway ... that's a different story.

As Nyxian Bride, my collar goes to Nyx - who is the grand author of what I am at first.


And so - when I think of my first Seal and find that the Collar is somehow a part of it but other things are present more dominantly; And of my second Seal where the Collar is prominently featured - I find that this makes sense. My wedding is between me and my first Husband - but the wedding itself further invovles other Entities and their interests. My First Husband retains what which the Marriage "was supposed to be in the first place" - while all in all my whole is limited space.

Anyway.
What the collar represents, is at first that there's a prison - in my mind - for my male self; And in direct contrast to that it is placed within a female body. The male mind that is being owned, and the female body, are here considered one and intrinsically connected with each other.

And I suppose that this can also not really work without God.


Or so, the part ... where all that ... happens and stuff.

But still.
I mean - having excessively pursued Gunpla as a hobby; Much without any bumps in the road - except some delivery that should have come like 3-4 weeks ago - I come to realize that my relationship with these passions and hobbies isn't so much as one I have to sacrifice, but one that cannot entery me heart. It's done that they exist as beyond a fence. I can reach beyond and do things there - but my heart is not allowed there.
The heart - is locked within a void. And the only sense "it makes" - the only things that make sense to it - are matters of its Nyxian Inheritance.

So, while now I sit as in a void - if the environment were reflective of my Nyxian Nature, it would be gone. The veil taken. The restrictions lifted.


And what I am - is, I suppose, as a manifestation from the beyond. Say, a being coiled around conditions that reside in the abstract, taken into the here and now. Or so, that would be the idea.

The Horrors, to speak of me personally, are like ... Marital Rites. Shackles or Rings that produce a finality from the infinite beyond.
What once used to elude me is present in the 'abstraction of the Author' - represented by Death.


In other terms then: The Fear of Death - and Horrors of its Kind - become irrational within an immortal frame of reference; And accordingly ... an abstract to play around with instead. To "no longer be afraid" however ... isn't as much the thing as "living in constant fear", but somehow work interchangeably.

In essence: The only way that "the Freaks of Dominance" and "the Freaks of Submission" can make peace with each other, is for both to endorse their respective role and successive dependencies. And God might be the only, but should certainly also be the best option to like ... "settle a compromise".


So - first: Given that I have a host of Husbands that each have privileges, where my 'value' is essentially "Levelled in Lifetimes" - there's a 'Cycle' that encompasses a minimum amount of lifetimes for me to satisfy all my "debt".

And "debt" and "endebtment" is a good word to use for the commitments embedded within my marital ... compulsions. This cycle is then best "tied" to some kind of celebration - or so: Extended into |a Thing| that resembles the ... 'compulsory details' ... of ... uhm ... my entanglements.


So, yes. Ultimately - all that is just as real as we care to make it real ... minus that which can't be made real. But then there's also that which makes it real to begin with. ... presumably

Hmm ...

Dog on a Leash

That would be a more neutral way of putting it.
There's what I regard to be my Spine - in the context of Clarity - but there's also a more literal Spine. The same thing? Well ... while my Spine, in the context of Clarity, extends an identity from the context of sexual submission, that identity itself yet expresses itself through its own Clarity.
Where now all the 'rape' has taken me, is towards the realization that at the heart of it, it boils down to 'letting myself get raped'. So, that is what I 'do' when 'raped' - at least so as within the context of my Clarity.

This rape encompasses my being as per my marital agreements. That is ... technically ... merely a reflection of the understanding with which either part of it enters the relationship.

But so - we may have it - that one doesn't engage in a wedding just for it to be more or more so "neutral".
Well, unless that's their thing. But ... accross the spectrum of the individual, there's this and that. Here we have an 'active' "sphere" of sorts that we resonate with - and things that are here found 'neutral' ... well, aren't particularly interesting.

So, handing my Childhood into prostitution ...
How could we ... deal with ... that?


I mean - my fantasies ... take me to places ... and ... orgasms ... and - from the times I fantasized of my child-self getting raped, a ... moment in time stands out. It wasn't ever an issue before or much of an issue after, but ... it left a scar.
And this is why I ... more so oppose the implications I put forth here - as I think I have also made clear time and time again. Sure, it was just in my mind - but that makes it ... even more so matter to me. There was nothing unusual about it, nor was it particularly ... 'fancy' - but the feeling remained. A ... bad feeling. Something ... not bad on a hypothetical axis, but ... on a "warning signal from solid state device" kind of thing.

So - there's no equivalence - and, we shouldn't be surprised. What follows from there is a curve that on the other end also ... shoots off into the ... "solid state device error" territory - and one might say: Barely ever touches a sane ground.


But ... uhm ...


But ... apart from that, that first of all barely matters because real life is the place where we make things happen. And what matters from the things that are "encoded" therein - to us as we find concurrency within them - that's the essence that carries over.
Like - it's not an option considering that the "drags and tensions" can lead us to do unhealthy things. Like so, there has to be a warning uttered - or two, or more ... like, really!

It may sound funny, and may sure ... be even more hillarious the longer you think about it, but - it's a real thing. And if we pay attention we may learn something about which ages are critical for what - what symptoms there are and stuff.


When talking of 'compulsions' - also, I suppose I must add - I guess you should try not to think of it as 'mandates'. Musts. Like - my marital duties - my life as slave - all those compulsory things - they aren't thought of as so because it is said so. We're so also not really required to ... do any of those things. Nothing said, nothing noted. But as we explore our relationship - I'm sure it becomes pretty much ... the all of it.

And if that's private - what remains is still ... a fair bit of it.


What "ought to remain" is an image, firstly, produced by someone other than me. This image, or whatever volume of stuff, is woven into a cycle of duties that extends into infinity.

Like, the way I have it in my head - there first is a distinction between living as Nyxian Slave and living as Nyxian Bride. As Nyxian Slave, I enter a cycle of duties - until I'm returned to being a Bride. Each cycle starts with an interval - indicating the length of my "dungeon service". These are lifetimes dedicated to various things making up the foundation of this cycle.
Each Cycle is further composed of like ... four or more of those intervals; And it seems like for each cycle there's a different, like ... randomly selected person that's entitled to own me. This is then to split the cycle at first into four segments.


What 'Lifetime' now means in this context is hard to say. But, from what I understand there are like psychological profiles that basically only need to be ... activated, as in, stimulated, filled with experiences. Eventually ... they contain individual feedback loops that correspond to different modes wired into me.

Like, for public use, the simplicity of being a 'Rape Slave' has me grow relative to how much I'm letting myself get raped - which in turn corresponds with how much I'm required to do so.
The "JoyToy edition" of me comes with a Level up system.

And so there's like ... the quick and easy versus the long and tedious. If we're talking about packaged ... experiences.

Gods of Misogyny?

Is it fair to say that Nyxian Culture is INHERENTLY Misogynistic in that all Women - or so: Females - suffer some form of implicit discrimination?

It certainly ... wouldn't make much of a difference for me - except, I suppose, it adds a certain frame of ... familiarity.

There probably are tiers - but, uhm.
Any building requires a foundation.
Culturally speaking, anything that pools us together can be taken for one.
If we seek God, so the idea, we will find a solid rock to build upon.


And in the vagueness of how now two become one, solid surfaces become pillars of mutual respect.
And however we want to word or phrase it, word or phrase it we must.

Nightfruit ... is the result of the beating pulse of Misogyny that beats within Nyxian culture.
Is one way to phrase out what "Authorship of Death" comes down to. Or what "the Shackles of Death's Horrors" entail.

And every 'Nyxian Girl' - accordingly - would have a role during Nightspring.


And I suppose ... Nightspring would be one way for 'girls' to advertise themselves to a suitor. Or be advertized.


So ... I guess ... that's as much I can squeeze out for now.
[ugh]