Closing Thoughts?

Well - my mind has already checked out ... so, it is practically 'decided' that I'm not going to get much done with what little I have left. And I'm already looking forward to some sobriety. So, I'm planning on giving me the week to wind down - and then take two weeks off, sotospeak.


Huh. So, about that CBD-less weed. ...
I began to notice something the last few days ... and I'm not entirely sure if it's the CBD or not. But I had a sample of THC-less weed; And I think it's safe to say that the effect of that weed is missing from CBD-less weed. Now, I would still want to try to mix the two, but ... when it comes to 25%+ THC ... I wouldn't just wanna rawdog 10 grams again.


Well. It did eventually go away a lot faster near the end.
Like so, the experiment was a full success.
After the upturn, an increase of the dosage is like ... vital.
The issue also seems to be, that the duration of the high isn't as much dependent on the amount of weed that is taken, although I'm sure that the physical effects follow that kind of logic. But it's like ... if you're below water and you want to get air. Almost getting to the surface isn't going to cut it. So, no matter how many 'ups' you take, if there's too much 'down' in-between, it's sortof pointless.

The CBD ... well.
For CBD-only I can tell that it is way too ... much of a sleeping pill. It's at that probably a great alternative for ... sleeping pills or other remedies one might have, like hot milk or coffee (yes, I've heard that coffee can help getting to sleep).
But it seems to be there, so that it eventually winds the body down and forces it to rest.
Like that, with CBD it was a lot easier to just get high and go to bed early. Without, uhm ... well.

I suppose there are clear upsides. Like, understanding what's going on allows us to take manual control instead of being bound to possibly undesirable limitations. But like ... when getting rid of the 'fool-proofing' of a thing, it is no longer fool-proof.

And I mean to say that ... without the CBD, weed is a lot more ... capable as a party drug. Which isn't necessarily bad ...


Anyhow. So, with this THC-only weed - there was a much more pronounced ... uhm ... "ceiling" to the highness. Well, yes, there seems to be one.
It's like ... when your eyes are used to the dark and you step into the light. Here, the effects of the sudden impact of high volumes of light would compare to the high, and being used to the light is the ceiling. So, you can still get sunburnt and ... all that.

Or ... however I want to put it, there was a very distinct lucidity that I experienced after consuming a lot of weed.

To ... start from the beginning ... uh ... or so


So, first of all: Getting 'real high' at first - would last me a lot longer, with much higher quality, than "spreading it thin". Then, getting high first thing of the day ... ignoring real-world responsibilities for the time being ... seems to be also a good idea. It makes sense, so - the body doesn't enter the downturn. Sortof. And sortof. The thing is - I noticed that when waking up with this hung-overness ... the early pot doesn't have the same effect. Instead, one simply continues the "topped offness" of before. Which is ... I'd say like fatigue.

Like ... the body, or perhaps more so: the mind ... needs sleep. Maybe that's how the mind re-configures itself to give rest to strained synapses, form new pathways from what's being used ... such and such.

Discipline

[grins] is such an interesting word here.
As in: Utterly useless - I suppose.
Well ... in this particular instance however: This state of lucidity that I mentioned, I'm not quite sure what to make of it. In and of itself I can't call it a negative. And it's not quite like "oh no, the weed isn't working". But somehow it ... "feels"? like a negative.

I figure that it is to do with say ... the amount of hours that the day has - especially when pushing it - the amount of work done and how that co-incides with mental states. There weren't all that many days where I coded all-day-long. Mostly because for each day I'd get to focus on a particular task that would lead me down the one or the other rabbit hole - and to then focus on something else entirely, so, in the code ... is something I've stopped doing.

So, in terms of the work there was a clear 'end of the day'. Which ... uhm ... didn't mean to that I'd stop smoking because ... uhm, I'm not sure on whether or not I smoke to code. Like ... I smoke ... and whether or not I code ... is a function of that.
And I sure found ways to keep myself busy. Mostly Voxel Tycoon ... a little bit of Factorio and Thrive ... and Gunpla. And I just finished it all up yesterday. I did though buy the wrong batteries.


So ... . Maybe ... . Maybe one should just call it a day and ... thusly conserve weed. Which is probably why ... some CBD isn't that bad of a thing.


Because yea. As it were ... I suppose my weed consumption can be split into thirds. One third at the start of the day - and two at the end of it. The good awesome high with lots of productivity at the start. And then ... eventually ... more and more just to stay high.
Which ... coupled with long hours ... means that I feel like I burned through a lot of weed without much in return.

Plus ... how the time flew by. I mean ... already January 5!


But then ... I guess I've also gotten a lot done!

As for

X4.2 and onward and stuff

Hmm. Apart from how it basically looks nothing like how I thought it would look - I do recognize certain elements. Not only those that I've built in accordingly, but also some that basically just co-incided from the happenstance.

As ... probably mentioned before ... I took a harsh departure from trying to accomplish "it". I suppose I might choose not to try and make "it" a thing, like out of spite, but even when I did try, despite my spite, it wouldn't work out.
Like, I'd get lost in ... maybes. Theory I felt I needed some practical context for. Something I may have forgotten each time - is just what that context would look like. Or have to look like. Perhaps because I gave up on thinking too much about it. Instead I'd just try to do it - which would however also completely destroy any sense for the complexity of it all.

Like ... yea. Silly comparison, but fitting - especially due to its silliness. Think of an ATM. So - you want to go to the store and buy a chocolate bar. Or juice. Whatever. To do so, you need 'money' - a.k.a. "thing from the thing that does the thing". Like - implying that ATMs are the only source of money - and that it is a mechanism that provides it.
So, I would go and say to myself: "OK, I'm gonna build a 'thing that does the thing'" - but oddly enough, the thing from that thing that does the thing ... still isn't money.

And so - I was scared at first. I was scared that being too high would give me all these lofty ideas and that I'd go about attempting to "fix the code", while ending up with half-finished abominations of maybes that all however co-incide within nothingness.


But nah. This is round!

I suppose that to my own counting ... I'm also like ... officially in alpha now.
Like, not for the engine. There isn't really an engine to call an 'alpha version' - yet. So, maybe there's going to be an X5 - which I can then build from the ground up to meet the practical end-points I arrived at.
Which would then give me better space to ... take a closer look at the box of things I wouldn't touch - but for that I would need a blessed amount of peace that is clearly out of my reach right now.


Instead ... I think I learned what it is that I'm working on.
I mean ... from a more ... sober, or 'lucid' perspective.

So, the whole thing started ... however. With an urge or a drive. Like ... separate from my spiritual endeavors - already during childhood. I've always been a "builder", a tinkerer, but also an artist. Way too versatile, perhaps, for my own good - and somehow my parents thought what I needed was even more to add to that. I mean, to put me into Music School.
As I got older and started to understand more about art and philosophical concepts, especially in regards to Star Wars, I was curious - or wildly curious about this concept of 'inspiration'.
And so - with a creative urge at my hands, and spiritual excitement flooding my mind, I made it up to God. Nothing special - just ... "in Sha Allah" - 'God Willing' - I want it to be 100% inspired.

Then, the years passed by. Nothing came of it - and yet the idea grew and grew. And now ... well. Now I have -SOMETHING- - and yes, I'd call it that, albeit in its infancy - that came of it. Something that is clearly from inspiration. And so I have to ... make sure I understand that first.

Because ... a lot of it is ultimately still like ... my labour. Or so I thought of it. I mean, whatever the nature of the urges that befall me is certainly also a part of it. And still - it is more due to my failure that I would regard it as mine, since "the blessedness" of 'true inspiration' was like ... not there to be seen.

Inspiration

At any rate now ... with all but scraps of weed gone ... an odd thing that happened is that ... the last thing I did, was ... add a little something to the code. Like I was previously puzzled over how to think of the concept I called "citadel" - as about ... where to put it in the hierarchy, if at all ... things like that. So, I figured that one out like ... last year - pretty much a year ago.
And now it's like ... speaking of future perspective ... something I can work on while sober. And, something I can call 'my own'. It's essentially a fork of the project; One that is logically similar and adaptively symbiotic.

Like - I was thinking of "the Game" when speaking of Inspiration, I suppose it were the 'urges' to 'write the game' as opposed to focusing on other ideas of mine, that ... then also "inherit" the game, sotospeak. I mean ... so, that's that. And I have ... absolutely no ambitions ... to have it any other way.


What that now means is this:

If there's an X5 - it would either be the first 'product' to speak of, or a direct consequence from it. Here then "the Eagle Engine" - as a hodge-podge of ideas and concepts pretty much unfit for public use. Or later then, well - made fit for ... some degree of public use at least.
I mean - at this point it's still too early. At least for what the project itself is meant to be however, ... anyway. It is what it is. I'd basically have to remove "the Game" from it - replace it with a minimalistic sample of sorts and ... that'd be that.
At this point, that would still be some amount of work. Like, the engine sure isn't quite ... there yet. But ... I suppose that's what I can use the sober-time for. To ... try a few things.

But the real problem in the way of making it what I want it to be - as for the broadest sense of public use ... I guess for once that's ... interest that justifies I spend much time breeding over it. So, without it - that's really just ... whatever, whenever.

Or, as has thus far been a constant throughline, I'll figure it out eventually.

Then there's "the Game" - alias ... the 'primary' product. That's just ... . Well, the code I use to produce spheres to be used as foundation for planets for instance, that's something that's explicitly tied to the Game. We could say that it helps me draw a line between Eagle Engine and Game Code. It also means that the Engine is solved such that ... 'it makes sense that way'. To then make something like 'the game' - within the engine - would require them to write their own code for it.

But then ... . I mean, on the one side I'm sure that there are what we may call "Phantasms of Possibility". So - our minds just running "what ifs" on whatever it is we're working on. One skill is to keep them focussed on the things that matter, a difficulty sometimes is to decide ... what that is.

Like so - "these others" - that would need to write "their own code" - that's me at the end. And to count the Globe towards that side of a concept line ... may just be how I do it.


And so there's the citadel. My own personal fork of the whole. That's also ... what right now ... matters.
Like uhm - so, yea ... "what is done"?

That would be ... "the way things roll".
The blueprint - as it were.
Or ... concept space. Yes. Let's compare it to ... the Construct ... in the Matrix. Just that ... it's really just the white of it all.

So, like last year - I ... open up this concept space I call "citadel" ... . Though last year I had created a cloud of vertices - 200-1000~ish points - to call a Universe I thought to take a cruise in, I'm now coming from the other end.
Or 'an' other end.
The code I had last year did undergo some changes. Concept changes. It was around new Years eve that I figured something out that then took me the whole year to ... realize. And technically I'm not quite there yet. But that's part of a different load of work now. I mean - the fundamentals of how it's supposed to work are pretty much clear to me. Minus a few things that I'm either still undecided about or are yet in need of some clarification.

But ...


I suppose I'm really just baffled, for once, like ... I personally feel like I hit a milestone.

The work laid out in front of me is also relatively clear to me.
I'll take inspiration from Thrive ... because one way or another I'll have to get started to put a VR together.

Strange ...

There's that phrase ... or concept: "Chasing the/a Dragon". I suppose I had something like that going on. Really .... ....... really early on ........ I had like, a working prototype. I may have mentioned it. Not, working working. But as much 'working' as I - like - ever got anything to work since. Except maybe a more sophisticated 3D Editor that I stopped using at some point because ... of time and then accessibility and it had some memory issues and the time for me to fix it and properly implement it has thus far not come around.
Like yea - a "main loop" to thinker around in. A VR to craft and shape. Everything since has always ... just been about getting there again. I figure that God took a step to ... make a proposal of sorts. He created the conditions to inspire me - and followed me around ever since, like ... some Ghost in the Shell.

And - I've gotten so used to the idea that ... the things I do don't work ... that now I ... have a bit of a mental break over it.

And ... what might have been "the easiest part of it all" ... has now taken me ... uhm ... about ... let's see ... well. 2027 it would be 20 years. That makes it ... yea, about 18. Or was it more like ... 2008?


Anyhow. Well yea. 7 would have been where I got back into it - then came the dark age and ... then it was like spring 2008.


And yea. It's weird. I thought it'd be easier! Like, really! I mean, still. I call it "the easiest part of it all". Because yea ... 'while(true){}' isn't difficult.
I've been there. Like really. I started to dig into it around ... June July, had some grasp of assembly and OpenGL by August, implemented some QBasic 3D Editor made models some bit later - and was stacking parts to columns by december. I felt like I understood what I was doing, took notes however - as for a next time where I'd do it all better. So, clearly ... the bugs were necessary. Because ... well, my ambitions would have prevented me from ... making something even better. Plus, I suppose we had the spare time.


By now ... well.
There is one thing that concerns me. One mystery bug. Like ... I mentioned it - but I'm not sure when. Was it before or after ... . So, I wrote of having written up error messages that shouldn't ever be triggered. So, I'm using four threads and on occasion a thread starts to bug out - which stops the program from running while spamming an error message. One that corresponds to code that is to notify me that a certain 'fix' had ocurred - but apparently not. And I really don't have the headspace to look into that right now.
It may have to do with ... system integrity. Like, when too much crashes happen and the system is running old - more and more starts to go wrong until a reboot. Perhaps one should, technically, reboot the system after every crash ... - or at least restart the terminal ... ?
And I suppose related to that there's an issue with the program freezing ... like ... when I'm enjoying myself too much with the silliest things like how I got the camera to move.

Sortof. I don't understand it because I don't really have anything in there that causes like ... additional load. There's no ... dynamic anything just yet, really. But still it's like ... sometimes there's a stuttering and when I move the camera too fast it's like ... overloading something.
But there's no ... thing that happens.

It's probably just esoteric mumbo jumbo to do with some ... elusive hypertheoretical "smoothness" that the engine does or is supposed to run with.


I don't want to write it off. But ... given that what I have now is like ... functional ... and the "thread-out error" doesn't really ocurr (it did only once in recent time; And I suppose it stopped me from further pursuing a silly curiosity) - but it may be an indicator that an X5 may have to be produced. Which means - eventually ... we'll yet get to see whether this Titanic makes it or not.

But, given that the error doesn't really ... break anything ... or. I mean, I'll have to see.

I suppose it means that I'll also need to look into maintaining backup saves.
But I suppose ... some checkpoint system ought to do the trick.


But apart from that, nothing 'weird' is happening. And 'that' ... might just be some hardware issue. Or a system failure.

But uhm ... I suppose ... yea, since I'm on tobacco and the high is running out ... I guess ... that's ... the end of that!