A Gunpla Review of Sorts | Something's Wrong!
So, yay! Or ... actually ... well, this is less of a Gunpla review and more of me probably just bitchin' and whinin' 'bout stuff - personal issues - but ... that Gunpla review I had on mind is kind-of ... related.The thing is: I can't eat anymore. And I don't know why! The closest assumption for me is that my depression is kreeping back up - but ... thinking about it that way is what actually gets me depressed. But then, there's a lot of tension - I assume - that's ... just there anyway. So - a depression it is then. The problem with that is ... that I was just feeling fine and doing OK!
Like so - rewind to the week before Christmas.
I was building RG 23, that's the ... Build Strike Gundam Full Package ... I was feeling all Christmas-y looking at that big PGU Box waiting there for me ... and as I was wrapping up the Strike, formulating an opinion in my head. I mean, I had fun building it - the Inner Frame was really fun to play around with - until that shoulder joint snapped, that is. And ... it's really difficult to put out a proper warning ... I figure.
Like ... it's so utterly counter-intuitive to design a model that so fun and easy to articulate, that has to be handled with care that is just ... not visible.
What happened - I "feel" - was, that as this plastic tends to ... like ... stick to other plastic to maintain friction ... one such stuckage was harder than the stuckage of the shoulder joint. And really ... like serious talk: Whoever thought that this shoulder joint was going to be OK ... was very brave and very optimistic!
I mean ... for real: These pre-assembled joints ... you have to kind of ... move them around a little before they actually move. So, when the shoulder got stuck ... it was my learned reaction to just yank a little harder. And I feel that if they had opted for an 'actual' ... 'normal' shoulder joint in place of insisting it be part of the pre-assembled piece ... this would have been a much better kit. I mean ... there's that other issue that its feet fall off. Like ... I would put one on ... pull a little to see if it sticks ... put on the other one - and while doing so the other had already slid out and ... ??? I don't get it! I pull and it sticks but then still it like ... just falls off? It's ... 'bad' ... in a way, but ... not unfixable. The shoulder joint ... yea, it's not 'broken' - but ... well, it's "hanging in there".
Anyway. Then this idea kept kreeping up. As it does - as it would - around that time of year - that some surprise is coming. That's just my mind doing its thing, I saw it coming, I was prepared ... . So ... I was tempted ... to put the RG aside - or was I done? IDK - however ... the goal would be to finish the PGU BEFORE Christmas! Because ... I wouldn't have much time for it afterwards or whatever. But because I saw it coming I looked for a counter-argument. And so I arrived at the conclusion that if I built it prior to Christmas, I'd look at it ON Christmas ... with terrible disappointment ... everything would suck and ... that'd be that.
Then, on Christmas (to us Germans that's Christmas Eve), I got into some forced, militant "Besinnlichkeit" - (Christmas Feeling) - without Christmas music and started to build.
Of course so the story had to change. While also still being somewhat caught up in whatever optimism I had built up so far. But ...
I wouldn't let myself be bothered. After Christmas I also took it a bit slower, and ... . I suppose ... since it's painted and I haven't put on any topcoat just yet ... I can still ... do a bit. Like ... yea. I just notice. I didn't want to add all the white highlights on the blue before I could see where the piece was to give it all a more uniform look. You can see it there in the front.
And I still have some stickers to put on ... . [Tsk ...] Me ... .
And ... I can see why ... it isn't celebrated all that much. I mean, to me, if anything, it's mostly a Gimmick Kit. This thing has hatches ... like ... everywhere. On every piece there's a thing that opens or slides - even the yellow parts on the waist flaps or what to call them. And yea ... the hatch between the crotch also opens. The red part also does something ... but I'm not sure what.
This Kit is rock solid. Except ... the torso is barely attached to the waist. That's because there's the Core Fighter in there. And - so they went with some ... few ... Lego-esque connections - and it's really flimsy. And so - it's absolutely not fun to pose. Like - the other joints are solid. This is like ... the opposite to the RG23. If those pre-assembled parts were too loose, these might be too tight. But in this case I'm not bothered because ... it really only has to look good.
Like ...
Other negatives are that the whole LED mechanism ... well, less would have been more. Except for the timer on the LED module itself. It's 'push' to change mode and 'hold' to turn off. But ... the 'hold time' is ONE second. That is too low. Especially ... with this mechanism to trigger it. Because ... there's no easy way to just pull the thing real quick and let it snap back ... in that time-window. It's tricky. And ... it's almost a skill. Or ... it actually is. You have to learn to not like ... tear the whole mechanism off. OK, parts of it.
And now I'm not sure anymore. These kits ... kind-of shattered my idea of the people making these
things - but ... I certainly do sympathize with them ... as I feel that this whole profession is
similar to mine. I work with paper, they work with plastic. And that has probably very little to
do with Bandai itself - since Gunpla is like ... its own thing.And it's a machine with many pieces - and I figure ... the idea of what a Gundam is - and what Gunpla is supposed to be ... are going through some kind of ... let's call it a "phase".
But enough with that. Has Gunpla been sullied by the Hands of the Devil/Mammon?
Whatever. If you're looking for a model to make fun of Gunpla/Bandai ... RG 23 (and its kind I assume) is(/are) the way to go. I hear ... one of a few options one has.
Technically the PGU RX-78-2 ... I mean, technically you can make fun of everything. But the fact that the current Flagship model has one very obvious Flaw ... means that there's still room to grow. I have a few ideas ... but this isn't the place for that.
Building a PG is - if this Kit is anything to go by - fun and simple enough, if you're willing to fork over that amount of money for a dust-catcher. The parts are really big - usually - and I was getting some real Lego vibes putting it all together.
So ... this happened and I was thinking to top it all off with some silly picture shoots ... having some more fun with it - but then ... I don't know.
In the meantime I was also working on my
X4.something ... fail?
I mean. Was it a failure? Like, yea. I didn't really get as far as I wanted. But ... I can't just look at all the rest that I have now and be like ... pissy and grumpy.So, what's wrong?
I had this plan. I organized some breakfast snacks that should give me an easy start into the day until I get to have real breakfast ... but then ... I couldn't eat it. I get hungry, I have appetite, until ... the food is there. I maybe take a bite or ... just enough to silence the hunger ... and then the system rebells again.
And thinking about it ... well ... makes me feel all sorts of things!
Like - or ... to ... channel some more peace and wellbeing into this first: How would I come to PROPERLY assess my situation? That's what I kept ruminating over last night - today I called in sick and went to see a doctor. I mean ... it is due to this issue that I come to view my situation through a particular lens. If it's "just" a physical condition ... fine, whatever, but still ...
Like ... my situation IS kindof ... "Sense-less". Like, there is no 'sense'. As in: "Everything I know is right, but does not make sense".
I mean - when I'm telling myself, against my own optimism, that ... there is no Christmas surprise, I don't actually know but am resorting to ... the usual 'small brain' take on reality and the existence of God. To tell me that it's all nonsense ... sometimes with more and other times with less consideration of the broader spectrum of facts.
Ontop of that - I see what's happening in the world, what I've been doing - and it would seem that ... everything has clicked into place, "it's done" ... like ... again ... and yet, at the end of the day I'm back to ... doom and gloom.
And I'm not sure how much longer I can take this anymore.
Right now I'm fine. Rested, nice weather; Plus I have the opportunity to Trauma-Dump. So ... yea.
But last night was a whole different issue.
Maybe the game I picked up also played into that - but ... the days were already pretty botched as it is. I picked up 'Drova' - and enjoyed myself ... until yesterday. Yesterday I made it into Chapter 4 ... and ... I was totally ... not there for it. I just accidentally slipped into Chapter 3 - more or less - and then wanted to see where it would go ... while also thinking of exploring different directions as maybe ... there's a way around it. I mean, I joined the Nemeton - for once - ... anyway. I didn't like where the story was going. And that's going to bother me until I either forget the game or finish it somehow.
I mean - the themes are there such that there's still potential for a good (in my eyes) conclusion. Chapter 4 is like ... "History Repeats itself!". But my Character knows that! I found enough evidence ... . Hmm ... . That's like me back when I looked to get Baptized Seventh Day Adventist. As I grew up. Eventually we argued about ... like everything so they said they couldn't baptize me. Hmm ...
But yea. So, as I went to bed the burden weighed on me - looking for ... what bothered me and how I might be able to help myself. Insulting myself doesn't! By the way.
What I mean by PROPERLY assessing my situation is ... that ... I don't really know what to tell myself anymore. In context of what I'm doing or what I have to expect. Surely it's some kind of test ... as there isn't much that I can do. Which now however also co-incides with this ... "now what?". I mean ... there's a clear cut. I have my Code in a nice spot - and whether I'm not working on it because of 'issues' and being miserable or because I'm still getting sober and doing alright doesn't make a huge difference! And as for my 'mission' - I ... got nothing!
So - at any rate ... I kind of have to think of my future. And right now ... this issue is doing more to ... . Well, if I was doing alright I'd just ... be fine and do my thing. Now however ... I don't know if I want to work on my Project anymore. I mean - a part of me feels about it as if it were like throwing pearls before the pig.
I mean ... do I feel safe? Like my code is safe? Certainly Not!
So - while I don't know where I'm at - which includes my understanding that nobody knows where I'm at - I have zero realistic safeties I can resort to - and must hope that whatever anyone might try would fail due to some divine intervention. I would have to think that it is so - believing it - because I am HER - but if I don't actually know it ... what am I even doing?
Anyway. That hope is all I have and I would have moved forward on those assumptions ... but now, ... well. The thing is ... there's this ... oppressive understanding that I need help. And that's not a maybe. Except maybe ... that 'help' is the wrong word when looking at the bigger picture. But ... it's like the same thing anyway. Except ... I also do need help. Which is why I went to the doctor and also let my boss in on my situation so that ... yellow flags are set.
But when it comes to help - well. What am I supposed to tell me?
I mean - I am soooooooo contempt with my situation ... all things considered ... that I'm mostly leaning towards ... being alone forever.
And then ... when it comes to help ... there's also always the "help yourself" aspect to it. And for me also the "why doesn't God just ...?" angle. And round around there is a sore spot for me. One that would have me talk about ... how very little you understand of what triggers me - like, especially my violent vein. I mean ... while I was trying to sleep last night ... my phone vibrated. Some e-mail, probably spam, and ... the more I thought about just smashing that thing to bits ... the more I wanted to go on a wild rampage of destruction and for a moment I was like ... what would pass as "biting my fist".
And if you're one of those that'd tell me that it's my own fault - like "just turn it silent" - yea, ... that's gasoline into the fire - with you looking like a very juicy log of wood!
More accurately: I was in that state of mind and thinking of all the things that I "couldn't" do - things that might be a "skill issue" - and ... that term triggered me. Like ... I'd write the text so as to bait a "skill issue!" from "your" end ... to then move on to say that ... if you thought that way you activated my trap card, "Get Rekt!"! Maybe I should split that off for the next day ... but right now ... I'm not feeling like it. More to the point would I hope to get a certain vibe accross. Should it matter. But ... that's up to God!
Which means ... who knows?
So ...
Anyway. I have to think that like 90% of that stress is some ETP nonsense. I, for myself, ontop of it all, tell myself that I need to be patient. And that's ... the guiding motto. That's the straw I'm reaching for, that's ... the one thing that makes sense ... but how?
As in: What am I to distract myself with - or do - while I'm being patient?
Like, if everything were fine ... why isn't it?
Like ... could it be that I'm thinking way too highly of 'you'? Could it be that you need a reality Spear Tackle into Jackhammer - rather than a little check?
I mean - when it comes to my Code, I feel like I should be able to take it is. Work on it when I feel like it. And not ... with some kind of pressure. Like, oh yea ... that's ... a burried topic I got to unburry perhaps ...
Way back ... when my main focus was the Oprating System side of it - I was in a similar position. I felt ... well, 'uneasy' is a good enough term for it - spiteful, angry, abused, taken advantage of, misunderstood - and all that eventually solidified into some ... "I'm not going to do it!" attitude. And right now I'm feeling similar about what I'm currently working on. Whichever aspect of it. I mean, I'm comfortable with where it's at right now. And uncomfortable taking it any further. And that's ... that.
I probably should try to eat to that! Anyway ... I'm hungry ... and although there certainly is an amount of "tired-of-life"-ness (Lebensmuede means as much as 'tired of life' and translates into 'suicidal') coursing through me ... but ... hmmm ... yea, sounds like a depression but ... it's supposed to go the other way around. There are to be symptoms due to depression, not depression due to symptoms.
But that's not all.
Maybe I'm just trying to be a Vegetarian while ... I can't, or Or have to but don't want to. Both!
I mean, what occurred to me last night was, that going Vegan because of Climate change is like worrying about what to eat tomorrow. And Jesus said ... we wouldn't have to. If I can eat today, I can tell myself that it is because it's (at least mostly (so, but the fat the stuff is frying in right now)) vegetarian - maybe. But vegetarian or vegan cuisine - whenever I dipped my toes into that pond - usually gets me ... depressed. On the other hand ... thinking about where all the meat comes from ... and the magnitudes at which this is happening ... is also ... kind of depressing. Well, it sure isn't wholesome.
Hmm ... well, stuff is still frying, but ... the little taste ... was alright.
I mean, if it was because of that, I should at least be able to eat other things. There has to be something ... !
Anyway. I don't know if I'm ... alright or not alright - ... . Chances are that I am yet to get terminally ill for the story to proceed.
And I leave this here because I found enough green stuff in the ashes to say that I was at least somewhat high - and it's part of the backlog I assume ... so, yea. And that's that!
