Oh my, what's going on?

I'm not feeling so great. I recently caught the flu ... and I had to come to the dire realization that I might never enjoy molten cheese again.
But on an upnote ... it seems that vinegar is OK, and so is swiss saussage salad. So ... it could be worse!

But my hole world is spinning and tumbling right now - and along with my stomach being kindof a douche right now I've also run into ... another spiritual crisis.

So, I realized that this year is my 20th anniversary, of being baptized - and so I was stumbling down THAT rabbit hole of ... thinking back. But it's more than that. It's like the door to memories that I had compartmented away was opened - and emotionally I felt like ... back when I was still active in the church. And ... it's like whenever I turn away from one thing I might bitch and whine about I'm merely turning towards another thing to bitch and whine about. And although there's scripture that's telling me as much - so, the whole matter of being wronged while people get hung up on my "transgressions" to justify as much though it would only lead to things getting worse until the Lord eventually decides to break His silence - it's difficult to not just get back to bitching and moaning. Even where it says, from God: Come at me and argue against me - and I'm like, "I get it". Uhm, well. I'm a mess right now.


But the strangest thing about it all ... well, that would be the Mormon rules. I take it as an issue, a problem, a thing to be fixed. But even just considering, like - seriously contemplating - to pay them a visit was enough to ... give me that feeling that all those rules are pretty good actually.

Well. In as far as smoking kindof goes on my stomach - that one's an easy sell.
It's almost like a reset button was hit and now ... I feel like leaning into it might actually be a good idea.


I mean, with all my issues right now it's easy to feel that ... I'm simply the victim of my own choices. Like ... yea. Sure. Smoking is unhealthy. I suppose though that I ... was way too ignorant of that side of things.

On the other hand ... well. I guess I can't remember when ... hmm. OK. OK, so, I do remember some instances in which eating wasn't torture. Like ... Pudding. You know, that ... saussage stuff. It's sooo good! And it's the perfect opposite to what any religion might consider "clean".
Uh, we call it "Blutwurst" - Blood-saussage. Because ... there's a lot of blood in there.

So, I want to feel like my whole life was just misery and torment from beginning to end. And I kind of don't want that to be a reality.


Anyway. I got to get well, next week I'm in for a more thorough checkup and I'll get some preliminary test results. I hope it'll be worth it. I worked hard to squeeze out that stool sample! It wasn't much, but honest work I suppose. :P

Oh my, Oh God.
I can right now "literally" feel my weight evaporating. I mean, it's weekend - and in my cluelessness for what to buy ... I apparently made all the wrong guesses.
Oh fuck ... anyway ...


I can't even clearly think. My brain is literally just this right now.
And while I've gotten used to the english keyboard layout ... somehow my brain has snapped back to german. I'm gonna try eggs now!