A necessary confession

Well. In Isaiah 42 (18-22) we read a bunch of stuff ... . And it seems to be what my current concerns boil down to. So, while some might feel inclined to call what I'm doing here "excuses" - I'm using Verse 20 as my own defense.
Naturally I've been writing about this issue. That I'll often glance past things - as it says. And whether you feel inclined to believe me on it ... might depend on your political biases. I don't know. But if that's me - that's what it says.

Like so - I'll say that we should be careful when interpreting prophecy; And that simply because ... well, of the assumptions we have to make. Maybe there are some that are easy to read. Like ... the rolling stone. That ... is pretty straightforward. But a lot of the time when Jesus like "fulfilled a prophecy" and you go check the prophecy it's like ... weird.
Then some might say that this is just me trying to make it easier on myself. And ... yea. I mean, take Isiah 42:2+3 for instance. I don't know of any reference within the New Testament that tells us that Christ was fulfilling that. And given that it is then still open ... we have to wonder what it means. Is this about a person physically incapable of extinguishing a candle - or by happenstance, in a lifetime of decades, never broke anything? And how would we go to verify that? Well, I'd happily break a bunch of stuff for you to get that over with. And I'll gladly leave the "bent rod" as it is, just to piss people off.
Or what about Isiah 43:7? If "Jacob" or "Israel" qualifies as "Named after Him" - Christopher/Christina also qualifies ... and that makes me ... inevitably "created by God for His own honor".


And if you don't like what you're reading here - whining about how I tarnish God's reputation - well, what does it mean then? Maybe ... that we have to be careful when interpreting prophecy? Well ... yea. Hard to tell!


But sure. A lot of what we read there, reads like a blank check for anyone who can convince enough people that it's them this is talking about. In my defense then ... I can check that particular "God did it for me" Box. Though people might argue that human hands are involved in the Matrix phenomenon stuff - the miracle part however is clearly a miracle. We merely tune in. Well - I do. But by now I must assume that He's cooking up something else ... something a little bit more ... uh ... tangible I'd say.

But assuming that I must be a pariah is one of those ... less controversial interpretations one could make here.


But - this is about more than just that.
42:21 for instance ... we can argue that this is about the Mormons.
Like, what many might not know is what role the Holy Ghost plays in the church. Well, because people might classically not actually believe it could be anything practical or pragmatic.

But a lot of Church Testimony - to my awareness - revoles around the Holy Ghost's re-enforcement of Church Doctrine. So, as it says: The Lord decided to make the Law large and glorious. So, if some Church authority comes up with a doctrine, the Holy Ghost would uphold it for the churches sake.
And while many might then wonder how come that some members stop believing - one particular answer is given in the text. Someone who grew up in the church might write the perceived presence of the Holy Ghost up to some sort of conditioning. Maybe some drug in the water. But I can assure you ... I'm getting the same influence just from sitting here and thinking to re-activate.

So, technically it's an instance of God setting up a story that tells us that humans can't be trusted.
Anyhow. When it then reads in Isiah 44:22 that "his servant's" sins will be wiped and away, coupled with a request for repentance - there's ... err ... two~ish ways we can take it. Either to repent to whatever the Law has become - or ... it means something else.


The way I feel about it ... I'm a bit torn. There are days where I don't feel like I did anything wrong ever. And there are days where I feel like ... God made a terrible mistake by choosing me. But generally ... it all boils down to the same thing. Which is ... the confession I have to make.
And it is for that reason that I have to hold this in a prominent spot - and I hope that this writing doesn't suck.

Before you think too highly of me, read this!
As you might be disappointed - or worse - to learn that I have a bit of a history with Child Porn. And when I write stuff like: "We don't talk about Pedophilia here" - it might seem like some weird attempt at dodging the issue. And it is just today that I made the connection between the two.

Well, the main reason why "we don't talk about Pedophilia here" is because ... as you might come to understand ... it's not ALL bad in my book. That said ... are there enough problems associated with it, that whatever good there is ... doesn't really matter. I don't want to advocate for legalizing it - and whatever care we might express over it certainly doesn't belong into an adversarial setting. So, for all intents and purposes we're against it.

What ought to happen is something that ought to happen in regards to all sorts of things. Being in the Ninedom and thusly equiped with a certain peace and confidence in one another allows us to rely a lot more on personal testimony. That is ... all the hypotheticals we could formulate are only that. Personal experience can help us bridge these gaps pretty efficiently.
Now, it may be just an assumption - but I think it's a good one: That the majority of people who were the victim of pedophilia regard it negatively; While just a fraction might regard it positively. And to prey on people to give positive testimony just because we wanna ... you know ... none of us would let that happen ... which is why ... there isn't really a conversation to be had.

And ... while there was a time where I was ... a little shocked (scared, negatively) by how aggressively anti-pedophilia some people were - and I'd say: For good reasons - I've seen a very subtle shift. Nuance. Saying that pedophilia itself isn't bad - but acting on it is. Which is ... Isiah 42:16 in action I would say. I thought that maybe people heeded my words - but ... apparently it's a little bit weirder.


Now, the reason why I have a history with CP ... is weird to me. Well. It kind of comes back to my opening statements. While I knew that it'd come back to haunt me - and that I should just shift+delete the folder - I didn't. I didn't because I felt that when I did, I'd feel miserable and I'd go porn hunting again.

And yea, that's ... the ugly truth. And yes, it is because I'm a pervert. As to say: Given what you know about me - should it be a surprise?


Well. There is a little caveat though. I mean ... I'm not sure how much of it could actually be called 'Porn'. I'd label most of it 'bait'. Free stuff to wet people's apetite - as much as to keep the itch itching. And at any rate, I never paid for any of it. I mean ... I'm a "Freeloader" - at least when it comes to porn. The only Porn I ever paid for, outside of the legal stuff from the adult fun-time shop, was some stuff by J.M., but given that they are currently rotting away in Chinese prison (over some Pokemon stuff?) ... I could have saved that money.
And I guess I'm curious. I mean, if you know their stuff ... one has to wonder. Now, I'm not sure if I really want to know ... but I kind of do.

I could also spin the story around how I was just curious. You know ... "for science". And sure - that's also true, but ... it'd be somewhat dishonest of me to leave it at that.

There's a theory in there, which is about human freedom and our urges. It's about how I might get rid of all of my sex-toys because I'm not using them anymore - just to then feel incomplete and re-acquire sex-toys again. In a similar vein was there a specific moment that urged me to look for 'real' porn (photography) rather than 'drawn' stuff - and when it comes to any 'use case' I have for porn I can say with certainty that when it comes to CP ... I'm not comfortable with photography or video.

I mean, if there was something useful to be learned from that "science" - it would be how close to either good or bad the stuff I could find was; And what the ratio of it is. Like, when it comes to Zoophilia/Beastiality - most of it is just ... utterly bad. Yea ... it's ... animal abuse. Which isn't to say that I haven't seen instances that kind of sort of tickled the good angle ... like ... to say that an animal wouldn't voluntarily fuck a human isn't true! I mean, I've witnessed more than just the classical "leg-humping". But with that being said ... that excursion has made me a lot more skeptical about my zoophilic impulses.
And yea - I've found some images - but ... devoid of context - or in the context of the internet - there's nothing I want to defend.

I guess that when a camera is involved it's much more likely to be exploitative - and that's ... a good enough rule. That doesn't mean that it's OK if there's NO camera involved. Obviously!


Now ... there are basically two reasons why I'm writing this: a) I don't know if I have anything left of it. I must assume. And b) While I was still capable of sharing videos on this site - I also cued up some of it at some point. Well, there was a video of some woman, dressed in lingery in a large bed playing like ... airplane ... with a crying toddler. Nothing pretty. And I'm not sure how well it lined up - but ... in hindsight I don't think anyone needs to see it. Which I wouldn't just say to protect myself, but ... I might.

So, yea. Obviously ... dealing with this could become a major ... major problem. Waste of time. Headache. Such and such. And ... the one thing I actually want to make an argument - is how far removed this is from a simple answer I could give to any question one might critically want an answer to.


Well - so, I'm the type of person that would hear about ... some crazy abuse case, kidnapping or such - or about this or that movie that's way too edgy - and get curious. And ... for real for real: I had (have?) that since Childhood. I mean, way back when I still used to live with my parents - which was before they got devorced - and we were still peacefully watching TV together - I ... I don't remember the story. But I do remember that feeling. Like ... it concerns me! Like ... I have to check it out.
And that is a paradoxical thing. So I've seen Vore/Gore that is probably fake - and all in all just disgusting. Which is like ... pretty much all of it. Beyond that I suppose one might feel tempted to get "the real stuff" - assuming that it exists on the internet. But that then crosses the line. To ... financially support such things. And by the way ... people who are way too invested in Crypto-Currency ... well, should I just accuse an entire part of the population of such vileness? Yea, maybe I shouldn't.
Especially because it's ... like, a bad defense!


Now, people who bought NFTs are probably innocent ... because ... yea, it's just ... dumb!


But there's one more thing. And ... I'm not sure. So, there's what I want to call "the Palpatine Effect". It's like with the Dream of the Villain in Nimona (a movie which I can utterly relate with) - or, Anakins dreams. Where ... trying to prevent the dreamt of thing from happening being what causes it to happen. And I guess it can happen if our minds are too biased to understand what was actually going on.
So, as I mentioned before ... I wasn't exactly comfortable with what I was doing. So, in that vision ... a visual thought that just somehow stuck in my mind ... there was a secret room hidden behind a secret door. And that room had been sealed for a looong time. In that room ... all sorts of vile stuff had manifested. It might actually have been a dream. Anyway, like ... sci-fi esque corruption, like a mega mold of some kind - vile enough to spawn like ... Xenomorphs. And the more I read it as me having to delete the Porn, the more vile and disgusting it became. So, while digesting the images.
Now - I don't fully understand it. This theory of freedoms and urges would be one way of looking at it. So the idea would be that of getting this "shit" out of my system to have more than just a superficial understanding of the ENTIRE topic.
But there might be more!

The better we learn to deal with these things ... the safer our kids will be. Like ... one aspect of it is privacy. And it need not be conscious, but ... if something about us has us feel ashamed, afraid of it being found out - even if it's just utterly benign - the more we'll value our privacy. And I'm not trying to say that we have to give up our privacy, but that we just will. Little by little.
However much is practical. And the more people with potentially dangerous urges learn how to deal with them, the less overall criminal energy there is.

But isn't that ... a contradiction?
If only good folks make it into the Ninedom, how come we have to be afraid of criminal energy?
And ... I don't know! Maybe this is also the wrong way of looking at it. Maybe this room is a metaphor for ... all sorts of different rooms that exist in this world. I mean - I had a dream once. A nightmare. The gist of it: Princess Diana is still alive - held captive as a drugged out sex-slave. And yea, that's a lens I see the world through.

We could label these places as "High Castles" - or whatever - and like ... the best way to find them is to make every place on earth practically as though they're just around the corner. Also ... to make it a lot easier to spot suspicious behavior - and if it comes to that: To send the kids/teens down the right/a good path as opposed to scaring them into the hands of the next "best" sex-pest.


But yea. It's easy to be apalled over my - I'd still insist on it being little - transgression; And as easy to convince yourself that there can be no "justification". But ... there is. And I'm willing, not only for my own sake, to extend that generosity upon everyone else. Because ... that's what the Bible teaches us.

And that is all that I have to say on the matter.