How things are going? | An absence of belief

So, here it comes: The what feels like 'obligatory' and inevitable "I lost my faith" message.
But of course there's a twist!


One like from a knife thrust' into my heart.
It's hard to say, but ... it were like 3+ hours of ruminating over this issue - 3+ hours of actually trying to sleep. I overslept so badly today ... and it's become more and more frequent. Now I'm mostly late and sometimes on time - and it isn't me. I try - but some "thing" is like working against me.

And what can you do, more than try? Try again? And again?


Well, I certainly did. Probably I got it wrong. Anyhow, that's not the issue. The issue is, that after all these years, I can't find "it". Or 'any' ... belief in "it" ... anymore. And it's weird because ... there is more to "it" than just faith or belief. And that part is still there. It's all still there - all that should be there - except the belief in it. Like it has been sucked out of me - with specificity.

And it's an odd sensation. On the one side I find myself enlightened and knowledgeable and all that; But on the other, I feel like my whole life is a lie.

And then extrapolate from that a 3 hour inner monologue, trying to conjure up words to tell you - the, probably, inexistent reader - all about it. Which is to say: Trying to make it a 'you' problem.
And to tell you what "it" is: "It" is my belief in Unification. And basically all that comes from it.


So, I don't even know if I could call it knowledge anymore. But - there sure is that part of my mind, or brain, that processes it as such. I write, it makes sense - to me at least - everything is fine - but ... facing a simple challenge I realized that I did not believe in it anymore. Whatsoever.

I suppose it still generates belief in that fashion - but beyond that, there's also nothing that really keeps it 'here'.
The cause might be that I've been distancing myself from my Clarity - like, it's an old hat and maybe even the one single issue that's actually been messing up my life.

And when it comes to me facing things I ought to believe but don't, or do believe but shouldn't - my spiritual life is a mess.


So, it may seem weird - or strange - to act on a belief that's not there, while I myself am fully aware that the belief never really mattered in the first place. But in the same time I can't really make out any of the things that form that knowledge.
One I'm getting horny and start to get into that - then things are starting to warm up for me again - but in the greater context of where I'm at right now, that's not even a good thing.
And I'm tired of it all. So, yea - there's a piece of me that laments this condition.
It shouldn't matter - but alas: The bottle is rather empty - and not filled even a little!


It feels wrong and it makes me feel wrong about everything. And belief seems to be essential because that's the way we act. And, it must have been somewhen around that moment I mentioned previously, that I stopped ... talking about it because I couldn't tell anyone anything about it. Well, due to embarassment. That's also why I wouldn't openly share any of what I'm doing with anyone. I might have told a person or two about my book - they'd be interested to read it when I'm done - and I have absolutely zero intentions to let them. Like ... "what am I trying to say?". It's not like it matters how well or carefully I phrase "the things" - at the end it seems like everyone just defaults to "Sex Cult" and gets the hell away.

At least - I don't have even a little bit to make it work like actual Sex Cults would - and yea, that just sounds ... even worse. It wouldn't sound so bad if people understood that this is a gross misrepresentation, but yea - whyever it is that things would go down this road, that's ... where I'm at. I went down that road ... way too often; But I'm not seeing any other road either! So ... "Fun"!


And while I still have a final say of it - the reality that emerges is still what it is. Every person I implicate in my rant here - everyone I think is seeing this but choses not to act towards me - is, or should be, just dead to me.
Like ... I figure I was chasing waterfalls. Just so to learn swimming and diving and all that. And when I think of MY accompishments in it - what I find is the image of a strong man swimming up a Waterfall. So, Aquaman I guess. Which ... I don't know ... makes it worse, yet again.

And with that goes something else. Like when a stream of water starts to brush against exposed soil - it starts to tear more and more with itself. So, everything I'm doing here. The whole idea of sharing any of this. The hope in a person that might understand. All of it - useless, stupid and it makes me fucking angry! Like, all the shit I have to tell myself to stay calm and peaceful and do my thing - I can't bear it anymore. It ... starts to piss me off on an existential level.


And with that realization ... came a dire realization. The trajectory I'm on - starting with that whole Pancreas fuckery I got going on right now - it doesn't bode well. And it has nothing to do with what I want. I'm still very much a stable (ish), sort of balanced, well ... whatever. I'm doing alright. I know what's going on here - so I shouldn't let it bother me. This also isn't about anger or stress - though stress sure is involved a lot.
No. More to the point - I start to see all these "systems" failing. Like, first my belly, now my belief - and in hindsight there seems to be some more. Little by little I tuned out - and there's no way for me to tune back in or ... do anything. All I can do only feeds that little shit-sack of mine that thinks to explain everything, and OMG - it certainly feels like I have to explain EVERYTHING and that ALL THE TIME.

I don't care enough anymore to pay attention - and likewise I don't care enough to make any more sense of this. I only want to complain and throw around with insults until everyone's crying and then I want to crank things up to eleven.
I mean - I could have stopped several paragraphs ago - going with: Whatever - it is as it is - all is well - but that meant I would have kept buried what kept me up last night.
And there's more. It certainly feels like it - and by that feeling - it's a LOT!


A lot as in: This is my life now! So, whatever.
As it stands - things are just crumbling in and ... maybe that's it! Usually this is in about the time where God steps in to save the day, though, I just wrote those words a week ago in some brief attempt to patch you up on how I'm doing. Just health issues, nothing major, no content - hence I didn't upload it. But - I don't even care to stress that all the things that could have happened should have happened already.
So, to draw you a picture: This plane is in a nose-dive, and if there's a way to pull it up, I haven't found it yet. Sort of. I mean, I don't have the energy, the resources to do almost anything - and on top of that my mind is playing tricks on me.
Like - who is even here? Probably only folks I should wish a cruel and untimely ending.

Like ... hmm. SO yea. Maybe all I care about after all is myself. I mean - what am ... hmm. OK. What I'm saying is that I don't believe in "it" anymore - but the rest is still there. So, it's neither of the two that I could realistically be concerned about here because ... that's how it is.


So, I'll see what I can do. And that's that.
You wouldn't wanna hear anything else anyway. Sort of. Am I right? [...]
Well, this sure isn't a goodbye letter. I'm not suicidal!