The Next Chapter?

Welcome ye - dear reader.

Uhm, first of all, basically just for continuity of the text, I did a thing.
So, about three weeks ago I was watching 'The Colour of Magic'. That was also where the Pancreatic Insufficiency was really kicking in - and, while it's an awesome movie - and I'm curious to learn more about the whole thing - what really got to me were the Lord of the Ring-esque landscape shots. Just ... to my mind even better than in Lord of the Rings because ... it is so.
But while being drawn into these scenes - wallowing in my mortality - I must have slipped in my mind and came to that sensation that 'soon' - soon ... . But something interfered with that. An idea crossed my mind. And I felt like ramming my palm into my forehead.

So I started to write a letter - and the sunday after I went back to Church. I printed out 12 copies - not knowing whether I'd see even one familiar face - it seemed like a good number. But sitting there, looking at the people, I ... I felt like I couldn't do it. I mean, these people are so normal. Average. Families. And I felt like what I was trying to do was akin to ... dropping a bomb.
Anyhow. It was nice. Partaking of the Sacrament again, seeing familiar faces, the atmosphere. So, after services were over and some smalltalk I used to first opportunity where I wasn't really part of a conversation to vanish again.

Walking back to the train-station I was a little disappointed in me. But it was odd. Usually my self-loathing finds a lot more surface area to latch on to. At the train station then I set down and ... something in me was stirring. I "felt" like I had to be mad about myself. Stupid bitch can't even deliver a letter, something like that.
And I had to cry. I didn't even have to squeeze it out, just ... give those emotions some room. And it was odd again. Like, I didn't know why I cried. I thought I knew, but those weren't the emotions that came out. Back home I laid down in bed because I felt like I still had some more crying to do - and there I beheld it a little bit more clearly. A sadness that's ... not really part of my contemporary psychology. Or my own psychology at all. It was more like ... God being sad. I'm not entirely sure why, but in one way or another it is about my belonging to the Church. All of it, perhaps. God being sad about how the Church (not the members) treats people like me, about how I just vanished from there, but also a little bit like a cry for help.


It may sound weird. The first point - may be a little bit more complicated but we'll get to that. The last point ... well. As I understand it, God exists in this Bubble - this sphere within which He choses to act. So, no - I can't just ask for Teleportation. I mean, I can - but you get the point. Anyhow. And a lot in that Bubble, as far as we're concerned, comes down to our own initiative and all that.
And so, I sat down and rewrote the letter. Now I felt like I had a better idea of whom I'm addressing - and I also felt like I could express myself a little better. It took me another week to finish it. So, last sunday I didn't go to church because I was just about to wrap it up. And today ... I delivered it. 12 copies.


And yea. The first lesson I took from it is one I firmly stand behind - and have stood behind for God knows how long: The importance of communication.
So, on the one side there is my View of things. My ideas and expectations. From that I draw what I should do, maybe HOW I should do it - and that's that. On the other side there is the Church View of things. And the first impression from my end was, that ... whenever I had something ... so, way back (I was a little crazy) - but it wasn't too often ... it's like somehow, miracolously, each and every member placed themselves tactically so that I felt as uncomfortable about it as I could. So also today.
But, the right thing to do was to talk to the Bishop anyway. But then fears get in the way, concerns, discomfort; And I forgot all about that little hint that got dropped on me. Until the tactical dispersion was in effect again. And yea, I guess it's a little bit like Brainwashing. Talking to the Bishop. I mean, there is definitely something going on with the Holy Ghost and Church Authority. And ... that's also where my discomfort comes from. They have to follow the guidelines - because, Unity and all that.

Anyhow. I had a good feeling leaving the letters with him. I guess I could worry about whether that was OK or not, but I guess that's the forest I didn't see for all the trees.
Even with my own self. No matter how convoluted my own narrative may become - in the end, the whole thing is like the easiest thing ever. So, 'yay' civilization.

But yea. Communication. In hindsight, I might want to change the letter ever so slightly. But - I guess in the end it's just details that don't matter too much. I don't even really know anymore. It's just a matter of politeness and perceptions. But, we get there when we get there. If we get there. Because ... that's the next question.

And, because I feel uncomfortable keeping these two lines - the continuity here and whatever comes from that letter - separate, I suppose I should also share it now. So, you can see whether it's alright or if it's absolutely unbearable - just know: This is the best I could do. The letter was done wrapped up last week - and since then I had like ... two twitches to maybe change a thing - but nothing really worth the hastle of restocking paper (I had like 2 sheets left in the printer, would have been 4 if I hadn't accidentally printed one too many copies of that one part) and envelopes.


So /DerBrief.html (/DerBrief.zip) is in German - and it comes with a new Version of the Miracle. Alternative to the Book. If it works that way at all. I'm still not sure about that. I can't really test it.

So, if you feel like it sucks - then yea, welcome to how I feel about my life. If you think it's good - then yea, let's hope that that's a common sentiment.


There are some things though I kind of left out of the letter. Like, I had to write a lot to then figure out what parts of it need to go in and which parts can go - while also trying to keep the volume manageable. It is like 24 pages ... 13 sheets ... . And that's perhaps 8 pages more than were absolutely required, hence ... I feel good about it.

But

Something from "the Lost pages"

One thing I observed while writing the letter was how differently the Miracle - or potential Miracle - would fit in. On the one hand it might be worth frontloading it all with it, but given that I don't even know if it works (well, it definitely SHOULD) - I wasn't too keen on that. But the more that the letter came together, the more I felt like I had something that's like ... good enough even without. Although I suppose it couldn't ever really be enough without it - but ... I also don't want it to be "the one thing".

I think what I'm trying to say here is, that personally I'd have preferred "these 3 pages" over whatever replaced it - but it were also like ... 3 pages of non-content. Stating in the text that all that it is is just to fill out pages. There's still something like that in there - but it's not 3 pages.

But now I'm filling similiar to what was up with them. I thought: OK, try to put all the important stuff up front - all nice and easy, but ... my mind blanksed out while writing it. The headline would have been like "Bringing it to the point" - but there wasn't much of a point to be found.
Like, I felt like I had a point here but now it's kind of just ... poof.


So. This is where things are at. Maybe good stuff will come from it. I certainly do hope so. But ... other than that, I suppose we're back to normal~ish. Like, I'm thinking about continuing with my programming - but at the same time there's like a mental barrier - so, new terrain ... I guess.

Is this good? Is it not? I don't know. But this is also in about as far as I can go.
So, maybe I'm ... just done now!