The Legend of "Starting Over"

The short version: I don't believe in it. The long version: Well - cutting ties and forming new ones, that can have an impact. Change is definitely possible - but that's also what I think one has to focus on. Change. Or, to use a different word: Repentance.

The two are definitely not the same. One can aspire change without repenting, but can one repent without aspiring change? Because, if you don't mean to repent - change can't be all that serious. Maybe you think it is, or want it to be - but if you don't see a strong enough reason to pursue it ... you might be running back into your own habits.
Change, or repentance, are however also difficult topics, when simply taking a general approach. Like, do you currently feel a need to change or repent? Maybe you do, maybe you don't. But like so, once a year people come to share their testimonies of how their attempts to change something about their life have failed. And I suppose it's easy to fall into a place, internally, where one is just ... frustrated with something, or unhappy. Maybe this one room is too small, maybe people who have all these hobbies are happier, whatever - and why wouldn't one want to make life a little better for themselves, if all it takes is the will to do so?

But what if I told you, that some of these ambitions are actually bad for us?
Like, when we look around - metaphorically or not - we ever only see slices of people. What they have to do to keep things looking the way they do, or what they had to do to get to where they are - what kind of personality it takes to be good at this or that, those are things easy to overlook. And yet there seems to be this divide. People who do everything right on one side ... and people who can't seem to get anything right on the other.

So

We, the habitual Monster

at the end of the day, the only way forward is forward. This, sure, doesn't take bends or dead ends into account - but if we wanted to be serious for a moment, the idea is to 'develop' - or evolve - into who you want to be.

Within religion it's usually not about 'who you want to be', but about 'what pleases God' or some other thing that is yet still a concept of self or a state thereof. These also tend to be better, depending on what life around you is like - what influences you're exposed to and what your access to information is like.
Like, for God knows how long a leading metric to this was: Success. Success that doesn't need to be defined, other than in terms of: "Getting all the things you desire". Want a hot Partner? "Just follow these 10 easy steps (and give me money)", want an easy yet high paying job? Same thing! Anything really! Everything you could hope for is just some 10-step scam away ... until you realize it was a scam of course.

People who are good with people will be good with people. They might even sell you on a 10-step scam-plan. There are even simpler ones! All you have to do is give money!

And sure it'd be a good investment if any of it were true! Just imagine that you could just snap away all of your shortcomings! Low IQ? No problem! "Just buy our Brain Power Pills - only 99.99$. And if you order ten boxes, you get one for free!"

But, to really sell you a solution, I would need to know your problem. And for all the problems I've heard people talking with me about - I pretty much never had a solution. Well, find God! Sure - and I suppose there were a lot of missed opportunities for me to start my own Cult or Religion - but ... hmm ... well, I never got into any of those 10-step programs, so ... maybe that's the problem!


Anyhow - I was considering to use the opportunity here to take a tangent into ... things I maybe should change. I mean, I've had very little opportunity to second guess myself - though whenever I did take one, I didn't have much time to arrive at any other conclusion. And generally, I'm happy. I should possibly be more diligently cleaning my rooms, I could try to stop smoking, I could try to go out more, buy Brain Pills, learn a new skill - because right now, "none of that is me". And for me to be any of that right now - I'd have to be someone else.

But, going back to what I wrote yesterday, I realize that the closing part was a bit wonky. I sure had plenty of time to brood over it - but, well ... maybe there are no excuses, maybe there is nothing to excuse. The point is, that I'm working off my list - and so far I've been writing one a day. I specifically didn't do more than one. The one time I did try, nothing was really popping - so I started over the next day. I copy-pasted a few lines I guess. Because ... like ... I'm 40+ and if I don't have work-life balance, what do I have?
"Those that lose their life will gain it!"? - Maybe another day.
But so - yesterday was also the 7th topic. So, seven days in a row. That makes a full week. So, obviously I didn't take a day of rest. And I see that as a good reason for why things may have gone wonky. So, chances are that I'd have sat there for several more hours, trying to figure out what and why - just to not have done much better anyway.
And that's like ... actually me right now.

And sure, this has been me for a while. For a bit I was really adamant to take a day of rest - eventually I didn't have all that much to write about anymore ... and now I'm reminding myself of all that.
These things take time - I assume. Especially since I have reasons to take a day off or not. Like, is this even work? Should I treat it like that or like some recreational activity? Sure, with the right company or the right environment I could easily disregard these concerns while moving along - but while I don't have a definitive answer in my current situation, I have to figure it out some other way.

[Star Trek TNG S3E26]

But yea, I'm tried

In a good way. I ate well - and there doesn't seem to be anything so important that I should power against it. Once I'm turning away, some thoughts keep bubbling into my head - and when I turn back to this, that's gone.

I also didn't feel like drinking coffee.
Maybe that's why some of the thoughts don't feel like coming out. ... OK. It may be 9 pm, but I have to try now ... .


[Mmmmmh...] - yes, because ... to me ... Coffee is Ambrosia. Coffee is Vigor. How gently its warmth rubs the insides of my belly, how gently the caffeine strokes my brain, ... . Yesterday I've been drinking tea before going to bed. I was ... restless. I had three cups of tea just prior. I felt numb. And now ...

Well, where was I?


So, I guess - for once - I'm powering against it after all. Was it a choice? Yes. Was it a good one? We'll see!

Well, one thing on my mind in this context is the question for how I should conduct myself. I know nothing is quite serious in that regard just yet, at least for me, and maybe I'm too self-centered right now; But ... what am I even doing here? That's ... something that's bothering me.

I mean, sure - I have a topic, an idea, something to write about - and generally that doesn't have to be much. Unless ... the weight of expectations would require it so, but then - if I disappoint, that's ... well, I think you should be able to handle it. But I also think ... maybe I should put more effort into it? But I also think ... maybe I should focus on what I'm trying to say. But I also think, that I don't really know what I'm trying to say.

Usually, experience wise, a lot of the stuff that I really mean to say only ever comes out "in the flow". Like ... this. And, yea ... this is obviously something on my mind. But so are other things. Usually, experience wise, that's how it goes. Whether that's good or not ... I don't really know.


This whole concern, to my mind, also somehow flows into this topic, but I assume that a lot of it is also kind of beside the point. But yea, that point is ... there. Easy and simple. So, put like this, the rest is really just fluff. The caffeine is bumping against whatever is in the tea I was drinking - I'm having a bit of a headache ... and I suppose I now have reasons to question my life's choices, again.


So, if I could serve as a good example, it's "all in for God" for me. Whatever comes from that ... is all I got.
And depending on how you'd look at it - that may be a lot or not so much.
I mean, narrow-mindedly you'd be looking for some miracle in this - something easy and simple or at least somewhat graspable. So, I might tell you of how I'm doing fine, but you'd see that it's really just ... me being a benefactor of the German social safety net. I'm a tick or a leech by some definition. But also, life is more than just the money. So, I know how to spend it. Well, one might argue.
But that's now kind of going into tomorrow's topic.


As for the bigger headline, I originally wasn't aware that I should perhaps summarize a few of the things that would have been forgotten. But it's not like I have a firm grasp of what all that would entail.

So ... the point is, life isn't easy. I mean, it's a fair take-away. It also doesn't matter, or help, to overthink it. Everything happens one step at a time. Some steps do more than others - but, and that's a re-occurring theme, knowing where you're going and keeping course will give you a better idea of what choices you have to make!
No way to go, no choice necessary! If you're already on course ... well, life is life! So, I guess ... for choices to matter, we need to first choose to make them matter. And yea, I guess ... that's a good enough point ... . So, it's been worth it!