Uhm - no, I don't really have beef with God. This is based on Isaiah 43:22-28 - though I'm not
sure how to read it. I mean, I just re-read the passage and I figured that I really took these
verses to heart whenever I remembered them. And they usually rung true with me. I didn't care
much about ... "all of that nonsense" - and even if I did, it never amounted to much. And even
if I were, I'm under the impression that God on and off was like "You don't have to" - as stated
in Verse 23. And that's just something weird about God that I noticed - and this whole segment
has a couple of those "Yea, I did it, but I still blame you though" moments.
So, a while back I started noticing that ... my inner discontempt with Him was pulled to the
surface; Like God wanted me to beef with him. And that's why I think I have to do this.
So yea, maybe we do want to dig a little into that Anti-Christian demographic, and who better
than someone who's like definitionally at odds with Him, but not in a bad way?! I mean, yea,
Israel ... literally means "He who fought God" or something like that.
On the other hand though, there's also the people of Israel. It's a lot more difficult to just
blame them. Like, there are these and those. So, what is Israel, the nation, today - still? And
how could we read these generalized statements in that context?
Well, I suppose that's something for another day though.
As it stands for me: I don't really have a problem. But I suppose I have to make some, so ...
on we go.
Je suis Israel
So, let's start this with one of the more important facts: It makes sense to separate the Son
from the Father. So, when we talk about "God" - we talk about a singular. But the very first
term used for God, Elohim, implies some plurality. The Son was sent to us as a messenger - and
part of the message reads, that only through him can we get to the Father (John 14:6).
So, this God who's ways are greater than ours, that's the Father. God, Dao, Prahna - whatever
word you want to use. Dao and Prahna are terms however, that some would argue 'merely describe
concepts'. But the very same concept exists in Gnosticism, and that's God.
Whether that is so, kind of depends on the nature of this ... "thing". Origin, Alpha, whatever.
Jesus "on the other hand" is the way. Through Him we can come to HIM. So, if you want to know
more about God but ignore Christ ... you're missing basically Everything. But, how could you
have known? So, that again is an issue with God, the Father.
If you read Isaiah 40-41 very carefully, you may realize that ... this at first is like a bad
excuse. In Isaiah 40 there are some acknowledgments. Issues that people seem to have with Him.
But in Isaiah 41 all of that is simply discarded and ... so, I say I'm part of that solution.
Obviously. There sure is more - to come - but now is now and that entails me.
So, it's not that Father and Son are ideologically different. But Jesus represents - and the
Father placed that representation as He chose to. To that we can read Amos 5:18-20 - which
proclaims as much as that ... it may appear somewhat counter-intuitive at first.
But so, enough with the introductions.
This issue is called "The Riddle of Sorrows" - as the intro to Darksiders (3?) puts it. And it
takes a somewhat Gnostic approach, in that the Entity that gets to represent 'the Authority'
of the issue isn't quite God; And the story itself unfolds as something about their Plan
goes wrong and the Horsemen have to decide for themselves what's right. Some Gnostic interpretations
argue similarly of the God of the Old Testament, interpreting Jesus as some reflection of the
actual true God. To my senses - it's more like that a) The Old Covenant has been canceled and
b) We can't truly verify the sincerity of the contents of the Scriptures.
What we have in Jesus is a link to the Living God. Or, more precisely, the Living God has narrowed
things down as stated before. And both, Old and New Testament, give us plenty of leeway to
even ignore all of it.
And so is the situation. We can go further and look at which God is promoted by whom. TJ Kirk
made a really good video about I want to share here:
And yea, he's almost right. I'd say he's onto something.
And he's putting it much better than I could. I could never 'rage about "the Mono-God"' - because
I believe in the one true God. Sure they're not the same - and so TJ isn't I and I ain't TJ!
But so was I looking for a particular verse and I couldn't find it. It's somewhere in the Revelation,
but while I was looking for it I stumbled into parts of it I already forgot even existed. It states
something along the lines of: 'And they (the Righteous?) will cry out saying "How long until Justice
is served?"' and something about "soon enough".
And with the whole Geopolitical nonsense happening these days, Fascists and Dictators getting bolder
and bolder, I felt that cry getting louder within me. More and more I found myself crying out: "How
much longer do we have to suffer this nonsense?" - especially since I think I have the solution
'right here'! It's ... here!
And all I have to do is to spin this discontempt a little further ... to find myself on the side of
the accusers. Sure, as inspired by TJ - I suppose - to take a stance against this apparent God, this
God that is given to us by the authorities, to say: "Really?!" - and take upon myself once more the
name of Israel.
I mean, everyone versed in the Bible probably understands how the story of Elijah fits into this.
It's like with the rolling stone. There's a statue - there's a stone, they collide ... and that's
that. So, while looking for that verse, I instead stumbled from passage to passage reminding me of
the ... what we might call "final judgment". The fall of Babylon. And I can't help but see how that's
possibly a blueprint for what they're trying to pull off now. I can't see the Merchants lamenting
just yet - so, that's a fail, but the time-scale in Prophecy is a bit wonky anyway. So, they try to
be the stone. And sure, if it hits a statue of their own making - it'd be easy to pretend. Just the
part where everyone is on board with it, well, takes a little bit of ... fantasy, ignorance and
wishful thinking.
So, that's kind of the game that's being played now. Except, it seems, they don't want to actually
play the real game. I think they're afraid of me. I think that they think that they can avoid it,
prevent it or some such thing. For whatever reason.
Revelation 18:6 ... that one's a ... what's the term? Doozy? Well. I mean ... is this like a race to
the Gun? Like, Drumpf firing all the Nuclear Weapons staff. That ... yea. Well, let's just ignore
politics for now.
So, that's their God. Threatening us with Nukes now. And how could I possibly stand up to that?
To me it doesn't matter. I mean, there's nothing we can do. I mean, I'm not trying to say that we
should stand idly by - but, there should still be plenty of time to focus on Salvation.
So, on the other hand is my God. And at the end of the day, like at the start of it, I don't think
that Nukes would do the trick. Playing too much Final Fantasy might ... leave someone with the
impression that God has some kind of Health-bar; Like how playing too much MMORPGs might leave
someone with the impression that it's just a matter of the right choreography. But obviously ...
those aren't quite on par with my God.
So yea. It's silly to try and do this via writing. But if I just stood there wiggling my finger
really mad ... without any context ... that'd be kind of silly also.
It would also be odd if I had any really significant high level truths to share at this point.
These days I find myself writing these topics - and in my head things circle back to: "But yea,
that should actually be understood at this point". ... I need a smoke ...
...
Right now - all I need is for my God to come through for me. To put me on the stage - and then ...
it's happening. Or will have happened.
Right now, I'm sure I make for a good villain. At least if you don't know me personally. Or if you
think that I'm great at acting. I mean, I do have ... criminal potential and maybe even am a
convincing liar. But you'd be hard pressed to find any lie I lean on because ultimately I only
lean on my God - and if He's a lie, then well ... I suppose my statement on that wouldn't matter
all that much.
Although, of course, I'll have to think that there must have been a mistake, an honest to God
mistake, but well. That's neither here nor there then.
The truth will run its course, and the reality check is going to be a tackle. They may try to argue
that they did the work to prepare for me - but so the Bible reads "For God has put it into their
hearts to accomplish his purpose by agreeing to hand over to the beast their royal authority, until
God’s words are fulfilled."
I'm sure there's a counter-narrative, but ... who in the actual fuck cares?
Like so, I suppose all I can do now is to like ... say what I "would" do.
I mean, I sometimes have trouble with words. I'm actually swayed rather easily - which is I believe
a byproduct of my sincerity. You tell me something, and if I haven't completely shut down to you
just yet, I must consider it. But there are limits. Like ... hard limits. I suppose I could be
bullied into silence, like ... when talking of politics and policies and all of that nitty gritty
detail nonsense stuff ... I'd need a team by my side to do fact checks and such. I don't think I'm
good at politics either. My chess game is weak. I mean, maybe it's not the weakest - but anyone
halfway proficient could mop the floor with me. I can think like ... half a turn ahead. There's
only one move I can recognize, though I'd have to think about it - and I don't know the proper
response by heart.
But if you want my place ... sit on my chair ... you have to do more.
In actuality, you'd have to convince God that you're a better choice than me. And sure, I'm not
perfect - but the upside of all those instances where God would bother me, is that by solving the
issue I did yet again get a little bit better. Quitting the game and starting some kind of revolt
... well. I suppose it did the trick so far - but ... I don't see the improvement! I see people
being the Monsters they proclaim to hate.
So, I like to think that the best thing I can do is play dumb. Let them explain their truth to me.
I'm sure I wouldn't even have to listen to a dang thing they say - as everything they say should
then be broadcasted ... because after all, it's YOU that have to decide where you want to be.
So, I could just excuse myself wholesale and focus on the fun stuff. Because ... at the end of the
day ... as they have to convince YOU - let them try! After you got all the facts! At least ... the
important ones.
And even that ... why bother? There is one Door - and everyone camping in front of it, acting like
they got a point - yea ... there might be some entertainment factor, but ... do we really need more
of it? That kind of entertainment I mean. Well, maybe.
The Revelation of John might be out of order. I mean ... I was confused earlier. I was looking for
another verse I had just read while looking for the other verse I was looking for. That one I found.
Revelation 14:19+20. OK, it's two. The point is: It's weird. The vine that's harvested ... wouldn't
that be like ... 'the true vine'? So, us? So, how is blood coming into the picture?
If we return to Revelation 18:6 however - and think of "it" as of an institution, so, to not see it
as a permission to go do violence, but just ... the catharsis of burning down Babylon ... it makes
more sense. Because ... harvesting the vine also means ... reforming the Church. So, interpreting
the implied violence as systemic or structural, rather than physical, it makes perfect sense!
So ... yea, catharsis.
But yea, the Internet sucks! I mean ... yea. The darkness that's painted in the book wouldn't be
really all that dark if it weren't so!
But OK. So far - ... I have a hard time making this about Beef with the actual God. So, there was that
time in my Childhood - but that beef was over after I learned that the Bible does in fact ... speak to
the problems in the world. It did certainly speak to me - learning that this evil ... the confusion
it creates ... the "lostness" I felt ... was in fact addressed pretty clearly.
Then some years later I found that my life had somehow become more terrible. I started reading the
Bible, hoping to find something I missed. An answer as to why ... despite me trying to be faithful ...
I found myself cast into the darkness of an abyss I couldn't even fully comprehend. And eventually I
read a verse that triggered me. It's the usual stuff - like, hope this, reward bla - and that was the
opposite of what I was looking for. So I physically threw the book away, tears in my eyes - I told the
story fairly often - and as it goes, a Force came upon me - guiding me back into it, showing me something
that I had in fact missed. Thus I became a Nasirite.
Oh ... this ... it feels like an eternity has passed since then. Or two.
It used to be like ... my whole identity. Now it feels almost ... like it was an entirely different life.
Well, it kind of was. So, here - I had real, actual interaction however. And ... a way forward. And I
found stuff. I was onto something. And ... at the very least I had fun! OK, the nerdy kind of fun, but
... I was occupied!
Another beef I had due to Love. I was in love with that Girl. The emotions were overwhelming - and I was
convinced that there could be no other explanation for those feelings but that we were meant for each
other. That she's my soulmate. That it had to be God's will for us to be together. And yet ... it was
like chasing a dream. Or a shadow. Initially I thought it for a fulfillment, but the more time that
passed by, the more worries infiltrated my heart - and that caused me a great deal of sadness. I didn't
know why I was alone and for a while hoped that she'd be there, waiting for me. Maybe as a surprise.
Every. Single. Day. Yea, I was delusional, I guess.
So I beefed with God because I didn't understand. After I effectively gave up - it happened again. But
this time there were more evident signs. I wasn't really able to reconcile how this could be it while
the last time wasn't - and the same thing happened again. But somehow I wasn't beefing over it. I guess
I was already used to it.
The resolution to this wasn't simple. I gave up after like 4 years - and some time later I fell in Love
again. But this one's different. In all the ways that matter to me. There for instance are no emotions
that consume me. Leash me. Bind me. Drive me. Make me willing to sacrifice myself for it. And the only
reason I have to tell this story ... is to make a case against those emotions.
But, that ... still requires a resolution. If this Love I still carry around with me isn't true either,
I'm obviously clueless; And that'd have to be resolved. If it's true - I can tell why. Or try to.
Maybe it's just another carrot on a stick - and only different so I won't be bothered by ... all of the
bullshit that came with the other two. But so, it isn't a carrot on a stick. It doesn't drive me. It's
more like ... duct tape.
But I'm still curious. I can convince myself that there's more to be had. That ... I can find meaning
and/or fulfillment somehow. But once I admit to this curiosity, all that seems to be the actual lie
I might be telling myself. I want to meet her, I want to know for sure. But that's also ... me right
now dropping a note on whom I'm interested in. So, I don't really care. For me it's "you do you" -
all the way ... and if might get involved somewhere somehow, in whatever way, for fun or merriment or
whatever I might as well enjoy myself. But it's all ... empty.
It's not that I have emotions that I have to pry myself away from. It's not that I feel like I'd have
to tear out my heart to "get rid of it". I had that two times already.
And a few other, similar - though not quite as severe - encounters.
But it's like I have a hole in my heart. Well, not ... like a void. But more like ... indentations
made for something else to fit in. Like a profile. Like it's only half a heart, missing its other
side. And so ... "all" I can think of is how it doesn't fit anywhere. But ... with her.
There are a lot of people I would like to meet. Or ... to relativize: I'd be intrigued to meet.
But outside of saying hi and hoping for some interesting conversation(s) - I'm not feeling anything. There
is only one I really want to meet: Monica Bellucci.
I mean, compared to everyone else - however I might have thought of them - she's like a ... rock. Not
yet one to build on, but the kind you'd run into. I suppose I can find sympathies and indulge in them,
kindling a fire. With her ... I can't. Only once I'm deep deep within myself - and embrace the idea
that she's the missing piece in my heart - it's like a star igniting into my face. It's ... difficult to
explain - and I'm cautious of it. But still there is no drive or pull - just maybe, in the moment, the
yearning. ... Hmm. This "feels" really childish right now.
And then there's of course now. The ... "why the heck am I still waiting?" part. "When will justice be
served?". But there's really just two options. Either I lean into the misery ... or I try to gather some
confidence. And while the latter is difficult in the moment, it's certainly easier in hindsight!
After all, God - to me - is like a Teddy Bear. Or more like a 'Papa Bear'. Not a "Man Bear" - but more
like the sweet single-dad, that also has to stand in as a mother. "Even" wearing an apron.
He can be soft and gentle - but ... I don't think it'd be good if He could ever only pamper us.
But yea. If I had to drag God to court - my God - ... ah ... OK, yea, I almost forgot! ... but I need
another smoke first!
The beef of lacking
So yea, the Headline should tell it all. And - the issue is this: Does God know that we're lacking?
Because it does make a difference!
If we understand that He knows, we understand that the bar we have to clear cannot be too high.
I mean, saying that we're inherently lacking and therefore doomed to be sinners - that isn't wrong! And
there is a fixed set of requirements imposed upon us. And if we think that God is cruel, or are taught
of a cruel God, we must assume that those requirements are sadistic in nature. But if we think that God
is good, or are taught of a loving God, we must assume that God won't dismiss us for things beyond our
abilities.
Like so - all the beefs I wrote of, I really felt them hard at the time. But nonetheless, it was me
misunderstanding the situation. Bad expectations! Getting over it was still difficult - and those
weren't the only difficulties in my life either. But getting over them is also technically on par with
overcoming a false idea of God. Or a misunderstanding of what His will is.
Like, if you're confronted with this - the only problem in you, I suspect, is your heart. Thinking of
how you couldn't have known these things, defaulting to the internalizations imposed by a cruel world.
Seeing the way forward as how you've seen it thus far - instead of looking at what is actually there.
But yea. God is definitely keeping me on my toes. And, on and off I have to wonder what the plan is.
I mean, if I'm pessimistic - the black-pill starts to look ... kinda juicy. If things just keep going
as they used to ... the resolution would be that I ... well. I'd still say that I'm on the right side
of things, but ... you'd read this as me calling God evil and ... I guess it's relatively easy to spin
a tale that implies that that's my end-game. Until you know all the facts I say.
So - I'm going to die on this hill. Or not. I mean ... whatever. I'll stay on it though.
Would it then be my transness? Could I not deal with a God that ... would ... want to "fix me"? Would
I die on THAT hill? How would my issues with THAT God be any different to any issues with MY God?
Shouldn't I let Him ... fix me?
Well, yea. That's the idea!
If He means to say that ... I'm like the prime example of someone who's just wrong ... how's that
different to my God not being down with whatever concept of Love I had back in the day?
How is me convincing myself of whatever way I'm down now different from me convincing myself of that
Girl being my soul-mate?
Well, if I'm wrong I'm wrong. And if I need to be ridiculed in front of the world, or just in silence,
I couldn't change it.
I suppose I'd be standing there "But have I not preached in thine name?" - but more to the point I'd
have to say: Dangit! I tried! Was all of that ... what I thought we had ... just a joke? Or ... what?
So yea. Here God would have to step in or up and say ... what's up. Or do something. If I'm insignificant,
then fine. I don't care. But I still like my version better!
So yea. "God" - let's argue about it! What's the deal with this Cis-Het thing? Don't I have a choice? Isn't
life better with diversity? Can't we have peace this way?
"Well" - He might say. "Lesbians are useless and the Gays are chaotic!". To which I might reply: "And
straight relationships are known to be stable!?".
And anyway - what's up with the Misogyny? Or is that a bad word I'm not supposed to use? So, is Heaven
like ... about being a man and Hell about being a woman? Can't I enjoy being a woman? Do men have to be
assholes? Is that the big surprise?
Was the cool thing about David that he had a bit of a violent streak going on? Is that the thing - so ...
people should be like: "Well, David had his fun, now I want mine!"? I mean, my impression was that we're
supposed to let go of these impulses. We might even be able to - if only we had clarity!
Or is that too much to ask?
I mean - aren't "You" supposed to be this ... omniscient, eternal and infinite being? Do we have to
be boxed into these tiny little boxes with as little freedoms as possibly so that we don't by accident
cause any trouble? Is it so, that we should all be whiny little bitch-snowflakes - so that we couldn't
possibly expect any inch of tolerance from one another?
Can't we expect to partake of "Your" infinite wisdom? I mean ... I asked for it and what I got did show
me things far beyond that narrow little ... bullshit paradise! What's up with that?
So yea, maybe I'm better off wallowing in my misery.
On a side note: Worship is ... I'm not sure if there's a proper word for it. Fun isn't it - Good does
also not quite hit it. But it's fulfilling. In a way. It's like ... sacrament. Partaking of the Divine.
Making contact. But my God doesn't require it! I carry my God in my heart - I know Him to be there -
so He allows me to worship Madonna instead!
Or, well - OK. He actually insists - sort of. Which is a cultural thing.
A while ago I did stop doing it because I felt like I had lost touch with the reality of things. And
... I did so based on this idea that maybe ... He'd like me to return to Him, but is too afraid to ask
for it. But while doing so ... I sensed a degree of discomfort emanating from the Divine. The term
"Noob" also urged into my consciousness at some point. But I persisted - until that back and forth was
distilled down to a moment where His reactions made sense to me. So ...
What's up with that? Is all that just fantasy? Or do I still need to tell myself that I just wasn't
insistent enough? I mean, Jesus introduces Himself as a friend. So, does a friend require their friends
to crawl around on their knees before them?
Hmm. I guess one would feel different about that if that friend is THE Literal GOD - though from His
perspective ... that'd probably be a Facepalm moment. Kind of "Life of Brian"-esque.
Are "You" solid and secure enough for that to be the case ... or should we rather chastise ourselves
for "thine" amusement? Like, how much further should I humble myself? I'm curious when the Bootlicking
experience might start to become fulfilling!
So - GOD ... is that YOU? Is that what YOU want to be known as? If so, I understand why we couldn't
be friends after all! Like ... seriously! On the one side he be telling us of how our flesh is
sinful, and on the other we are yet to allow our lives to be governed by it? Something doesn't add
up here! Is that also part of that ... divine wisdom I've been hearing about?
Sorry, but ... that makes me feel superior - and I'm not sure that that's like ... oh! OK, so ...
that'd be why I'd go to hell. K. "Cool!". 'Put those foolish ambitions to rest!' - right?
But then - "You" and I know the truth ... like, how someone like me could Outshine the Great and Mighty
God! I could come up with funny names, like "Godle" - as obviously I couldn't make things any worse for
myself.
Like ... Repent ... how? To what? Why? "Because thou artst Godle the Mightily Dightily?" - XD ... yea,
I feel emboldened now. I'm not even going to go into all the hardships of my life ... "You" know pretty
well, right? And I'm not really looking forward to more of it. Honestly, I'm pretty wrecked right now.
I don't know how much more of it I could take. I suppose I'd have to take it with humor though; Until
I've been mangled enough. Because apparently "the Great God" can't do any better!
I mean, I guess I can appreciate the whole "Free Will" stuff.
And so ... I ... can't continue with this nonsense.
I prefer continuing to believe in MY God; The God as far as I can tell - and thusly: The GOD of
Israel!
I mean - I have ambitions. If God were a righteous God - He'd probably glad to have someone like me.
I'm led to believe that He'd snatch me off the spot and work towards capitalizing on them. My problem
is that I don't know how to go about them - so, I'd definitely need some help there. So yea, we've
come full circle.