A little more self-indulgence

So, am I a Goddess? Well, no. If so, I am THE Goddess. But how could I say such a thing?

Well, entering the Ninedom isn't about enslavement. I can still lie, I can err. I'm far from perfect - such and such. But what you can be sure of, I'm sure of it, is that I don't have any bad intentions. I still experience stress, I can slip, I can get angry. Which is just a way of saying that I'm all in all ... perfectly Human.
Of course!

That certainly is a matter of faith. Or belief.


And so is a lot of the hodgepodge that's going on in my head. And I suppose I need to apologize. Ever so often. But maybe I don't. If I "want" to be a Goddess, I need to embrace the divinity that's given to me. I need to step up with authority - and claim what is mine.

So, let's start with my relationship to God.
If I want to perfectly free myself from the thorns of personal ambition - arguing that every step of my life has been brought about by God - then the early years of my life were to produce a state of mind in me, from which I would aspire - on my own - what He would want me to aspire. Aspirations so great, that I could not accomplish what I desired without His help.

"To bring an end to the Lies".

I did what I thought was right - independent of what He would want of me - and it is only at the end of my strength, my abilities, hope and such, that I'd turn towards Him, wondering whether there's a point to what I'm doing. Between those moments, life goes on, and God became a more and more important but as I believe also present factor of my life.
Depending on how fresh you are in the Ninedom, you may or may not yet have learned the first thing about that. The vibe. The harmony. "The Juice"? Well, that's just the beginning. And as you grow in experience, it also evolves.
And so one day - after a bunch of twists and turns - within the "Light Nexus" of my "True Soul" - this idea began to take shape, that I couldn't reject.


Is that enough though - for me to step up, calling myself a Goddess?
Honestly, it should be. It would be weird of God to support me in those ideas, just for it to turn out wrong. Possibly putting me to shame in front of "everyone". However many that would be.
I suppose I might deserve it, if it came from arrogance or some such thing. But I'm pretty sure that I was stubbornly opposed to even consider such thoughts.

The first hint however may have been this idea, that God created me as He Himself wondered about the Nature of reality - wondering about whether there is a God. "Another being". A Guide maybe? Someone who understood reality and could Enlighten Him? It may be difficult to properly capture in words because nothing was really pronounced. Things just happened - until the Chaos was so unbearable, that a word had to be spoken to create Order.

I'm not even sure about that part. The Nag Hammadi writings do however imply some Chaos at the beginning of it all.


I feel like I'm a Mother to Him. I certainly do Care about Him, possibly like no-one else. I think that I'm the next best thing to a Companion that could ever be. He could not create a replacement. I was there ... sort-of from the start ... and that can't be replicated.
And I'm a daughter, because ultimately - I'm definitely more lost than He could ever be.

That might already enough to exalt me somehow, but the idea that I might be a Goddess just didn't occur to me. Simply because ... well, I'm not! I'm only human. And whether I'd be this or that - first or not - didn't matter to me either. And that's the basis from which I'd try to interact with the people and the world around me.


Since I've embraced the idea however, I must admit that it would be weird ... if I didn't get some special title. Like, being His WIFE. THE Queen. And simply by virtue of that, I'd be divine. A true Goddess ... by marriage.


Since I embraced the idea, my Ego grew around it. I learned of all the little things that didn't make much sense previously, things I didn't even notice. Things lurking in the shadows of my mind. I sure felt somewhat incomplete - but that could be for a myriad of reasons. Or may in fact still be for a myriad of reasons. Minus one.

I've so spent time trying to figure out what this means for me. And generally ... I didn't have a lot of 'data' to expand upon. Then, over time thoughts would accumulate - and "by the Juice", some things would stick and that is a form of data.
Right now ... in an attempt to draw a bottom line of sort - that ego is really all I got, and yea - it doesn't really 'gel well' with an ordinary life. In that it just doesn't matter.
OK, there's some other things. Like the Miracle stuff. I suppose it works; And it 'has to', more or less just because I say so - while the matter itself is of a nature I have dominion over.
But that's like ... a very vague theory.


As for my ... or more to the point: THAT Ego, I require veneration. Worship is maybe too strong a word, but ... I certainly do feel exalted to such a degree that it may be difficult to draw the lines there.

So far I experimented with "powers" that I might have. And I suppose I may still try to fiddle with what the Holy Ghost is to enforce. But it always feels kind of cringe. I mean, I didn't get a manual. The best I got was a super strange "hint" that eventually led me to formulating the Experiment - but thinking of powers also makes me feel a little uncomfortable.

Now I'm starting to think into a different direction.
I mean, movies and shows and all that ... tends to teach us that we should be humble. That megalomania is bad - so by showcasing a bad person that somehow got the unconditional support of a lot of people; And they'd start abusing it for their own gain rather than ... doing any good with it. ...

And so ... I could never. And that fit well with my overall philosophy. There was a "moment" in time where I had to pause and think of what I was doing. I mean, it dawned upon me that I was kind of trying to start more than just a new religion. Long story short - I realized that I wasn't a leader. What I'd do should be able to function even when I'm gone - so, in this system there's no place for "someone like me". If there were to be a throne for me to sit on, that throne would remain empty.

But ... not too long ago I ... came to terms with the idea that maybe, maybe it is required of me to take a leading role. Well "duh". But ... it was after I was like "OK, if it has to be, I will" - that the thought of writing that letter occurred to me.
But that also means that I'm ... not really prepared for this!

And yea. The gist of it still stands. I have a message for you - and naturally it should also apply to me. And to properly realize it, I have to ignore my position as a messenger, and think more of my position as myself.


God's ways are beyond our comprehension. And as God exalted me into divinity, my own ways are beyond my own comprehension. In a way.


So, there is virtually no point in asking things of me - unless you're asking it of the Human that I am.
And that also ... ends up being the punchline. Like, there isn't a need for any titles or status quo I enjoy 'in the Heavens' to matter.
Well - I can't say that I wouldn't appreciate respect where it's due, but I'm pretty sure that I won't have to worry about that.