Whence the Dust has settled

I don't know if it's Dragonball Z Kai or if it's just Dragonball Z, but rewatching it on TV certainly felt different. The whole getting stronger and stronger and power boost here and transformation there - it does seem a little silly. But I stand by it, that there's more. And anyway. You take a kid like Goku - and take him to the end of Dragonball Z - and ... that's that. It's Dragonball Z and it's Goku.

But uhm. Yea. I just ... had to think about these Dragonball moments. Like, after Cell absorbed C18 and Trunks had to fire at him to make all that dust go up. But no, fake-out, the transformation continues.

Anyway. Maybe it's just the bad weather, but something made me ... feel like, yea, this is it. I mean, eventually. And here I am ... kind of ... getting rid of the last few pieces of weed - and I got a holliday (week) to sober up.


And yea, that's it I guess. I mean, I'll go see a doctor, see how that continues - as, I've also started to feel weaker again. Stomach making trouble. Maybe going back to Church DID help with that. Well.

So, with that little left I don't think it makes sense to dig into whatever is currently weighing my head down, but I'm also in a mood of ... writing some code again.


And else on the desk, well ... how about a Topic about Spirituality and Religion from the person that is like here to maybe somehow elaborate on such topics.



I mean, a lot is going through my head and it's ... I'd say impossible to keep track of what I pointed out where and how. Or what was just lost in the moment to moment.
But even in writing I'm having trouble with that. I suppose I'm naturally scatterbrained because I think while I'm writing. So, I follow a trail of thought in writing, and ... tend to loose sight between what's said in the written and what not.

A few examples, some may know, can be found in my second book. Somewhat related but not far enough outside would be that piece concerning NHC II.5. Via certain movements in my conscious I today ended up with a wire-bound print-out of two translations of it, I also got the German one I used ready - and was dumbstruck by own self rather early. Would it be the shadow of the Hand of God that covered me?

In that regard there should be enough for people to see what was done there - after all, truth is truth. And yea. My life ... sometimes it's hard to tell whether or not my life is just a wild fever dream. My faith, my belief, is thereby founded on things I'm pretty sure about, but sometimes I find myself too scared to look back and check whether or not I got it right. To be fair, there isn't a lot of space for it. But even so ... there are some hidden in plain sight. So, Unification. It is the end all be all - the whole point, the what in the actual ... but so, it's been roughly 20 years now. And I'm still alone and ... and yea. It's weird. I have all these things - for all I care I thought everything through a lot ... and so I have to wonder ... what's wrong? Over and over again.
And eventually I'm stuck with the things that are inherently beyond my control. And by circumstance also inherently beyond my perception. And so, that boils down to two things: A) The testimony towards Unification and B) Unification.
And I guess, in some way, it comes down to B because the great many ways in which I have a solid case at hand leaves only that. And that I assume takes a toll on the subconscious.

I mean, what is subconscious in this sense?
To be precise, there just isn't a lot of insight or experience when it comes to people who "got in" because, there isn't any but my own. So, to my understanding. What has been long long ago is lost to legend - and the rest remains a mystery. Anyway, the point is - relative to what I know and understand, there's a part of it that's very basic and very fundamental - that I can only make guesses on. And it's silly because all it takes is one person. Well, possibly it also has to make sense.


And this feeling throws me way back. Like, within the first ... I'd say two years of me being in the ninedom - I was like, overwhelmed with impressions of inadequacy. Like, as if my conclusions were the results of a fever dream, some random interpretation that looks like it makes sense but doesn't. By that point I already had the Eden thing on my deck, that was before I was baptized, so - it's not like it came out of nowhere. But I suppose at some point I just ... yea, lived in my own world while the rest got stuck on that image of me.

Then, on occasion, it would pierce through again. Yea, I guess that's ... what happened.

And somewhere in there I'm also kind of getting lost in Translation. I mean, there's a very real story to be told. I'm sure. About very real rights and wrongs, very real struggles and issues - but the plan is the plan. And so I'm back and forth between just living my life, doing the thing, and wondering what the fu** is going on and why the f**k nobody has been taking notice of me or whatever - while in my mind we're like tenfold past when "it" should have happened (if it were up to me). So yea ... and there my very well be kind of bigotry in there. But it's also not like I can answer my own questions when I'm like "why am I even doing anything anymore?". It's not like I know what's coming. And I also have to come back to "what am I missing?" and I keep on finding stuff but all in all ... nothing really ... significant. And then in some way - I'm just doing what I'm doing to keep myself from going insane. Maybe it's a way of coping. Not entirely sure what I have to cope for, but I suppose there's a lot to pick from.

But yea. I get that from God's perspective I have to grow towards what His idea is a bit more. I mean, He does what He does and it's all going to work out just fine. Right now that may seem like cope, but there's actually stuff happening to me that makes me personally feel at ease - quite often actually. And this whole sentences here is also, well, quite literally an actual thing happening in my life right now. Which is to say: That thing that should hypothetically happen is actually happening - so, yea, once again I seem to have a solid case. But did I manage to communicate that properly?


I mean, how would I know? And if I just went on to pretend as if I did ... how's that going to help me or anyone? Maybe I'm not the type of person who ... or what. But sure. At times I'm at a loss ... so I feel at ease to also express that, when I feel like it.

But then, if people be paying as much attention as they have thus far, all that matters of it are the mannerisms. So, would it make a difference?


And the worse part is, I understand - sometimes - that I may have messed up. I mean, there are obvious ... errors. Like - maybe even in places where they really shouldn't be. That's also a sail that has been catching wind for quite some time. Like - if I'm optimistic a little light goes off somewhere in my mind, which tells me that nobody is paying attention and if anyone's paying attention they're finding all the wrong stuff in all the wrong ways.

So, I'm part of the problem. Obviously.
Hmm ...
Change?


Well. I can't believe it anyway!
The more I try, the more I end up convincing myself. Certainly it's basically just sarcasm, but ... in the end it may functionally be the same.

Anyway. Right now my heart is also filled with visions - and so I come back to that old woe of mine. I mean, I was doing my own thing while the family was stressing me to find a job or whatever. I kept arguing - somehow they gave in, but I suppose that underneath the shit kept brewing somehow. By that I did a lot of wrongs, I'm sure, but I was convinced that I needed all that time. And for a time kept arguing - "yelling into the void" - and yet, I always felt like someone was there listening. That at least kept me going. Now, looking back, I find futile emotions. Like, now I'm that person. Looking at the "youngsters" around me - and not liking the ways they act. Well, I would argue however, that things have become more insane.
Definitely!

But so - I have it now. A somewhat regular life. I get up in the morning, come home late, I got my eyes peeled for when DBZ or Doctor Who's on TV, ... and yet I'm still struggling with the order bit. And yea, I guess, technically it's possible to manage that and also do all the other things I do. Sure. I just got an inspiration. So, I would have to develop a routine of some kind fo quickly manage my projects in and off what limited space I have to work with.
For it to work properly, I may need certain things like boxes or drawers - however, whatever helps managing space of which I have ... well ... some.
And while ... no. As I now here and so come down to build up my case for ... not that ... I find that I have a week time to actually do that.

But I also wanted to do some coding. Right?


Anyway. I stopped complaining about those things - but that's because I learned a few things. I think the most important part is that I'm just lost without the right company. Bottom line. My failure, whether I do or don't have the time I want or need, is that I'm like hopelessly in over my head with all the stuff that's keeping me busy. A lot of which is probably just noise from how unorderly I am. How much of the work I did got lost, thus leading to me putting less care and effort into things - so and so - and so there's just a lot of baggage I can't really dig into, or so I feel, which has me ... in a way tip-toeing around those issues.

Well, eventually I learned to take the extra step seriously - and so I'm doing a lot better when it comes to actually moving stuff around for when I really want to focus on something. So, maybe that's something along the lines of me ... being a less shitty person. Putting some skill points into that. I mean, I sure can be lazy and a drag. In my head I have the image of getting rolled around in a wheel-chair. "Oh really? *blush* How nice of you!".


And if the question is "what" I want to do, I have to say: STUFF. Because ... well. Maybe it is my privilege. Perhaps, possibly, I should say it so. I can also stress how I did in deed take my time to study religion on my own - as I well intended - as a priority. That took a toll on my ability to support myself, but here in Germany there was a way out. In a way the dive off the deep end may have ... bought me time there. So, the deeper I feel, the longer it would take me to climb out - and so the more time I'd have to do whatever I wanted. Or I could just stick it and ... become a leech. I mean, in the end ... I'm at fault for letting me get dragged into this situation. But honestly, it also helped. It helped me to get my mind off of "my stuff" - and to focus on some other things. TO have some healthy distance from things. Which, yea, the right company could also do.

But uhm - OK. The right company. I suppose ... there may be a ... uhm, there's - I recognize - some potential for a misunderstanding of what that's supposed to be like.


I mean, unless the misunderstanding is on 'my' end. That's where we get to the whole crazy gangbang sex-cult shenanigans. By the way. There sure is some of that "here" too - which is why I'm willing to accept that I may in fact be the one who is mistaken. But that's really not where my mind jumps to when I mention 'the right company'.

I mean, I'm thinking of what's going through my head and making sense of it all. Of course someone intimate whom I care share these things with. Which may be where the problem is. Could this mystical figure exist?


Or ... figureS.
Because if they don't, then - yea, that ... well, it's stressful to think about.
Anyway. Getting used to my loneliness doesn't really ... . I mean, it's depressing to think about and - given that my problem is that I have trouble organizing and motivating myself ... well, I'm more in a ... fuck it, I'm done kind of mood.

Yea. I'm a find something else to do now. Peace!