Roadmap and stuff

Aiaiai. Well. Since last time ... I thoroughly enjoyed "doing nothing". Like ... the last time I enjoyed doing nothing so much was back when I first played Elden Ring. I don't know. It feels odd. Like ... I've been not sitting at my computer for like 3 days or so ... and it almost feels alien to sit down at it again.

Which reminds me ...
Ugh ... so. After playing a game for the whole day I watched some stuff on YouTube and thought to take notes - stuff I want to write about - which turned out to be a lot - and it's not what I maybe should write about. Sigh. ...


And so I possibly end up saying nothing.


LOL. So, I use Sublime Text to write this. And since I never bothered to learn it's project management features I just have it all open and ... I'm looking at this window on the other screen - |LIBRA_WINGS.CPP.H| - it too looks alien.
When was it? Some two or so nights ago. I went to bed and ... I felt different. Like ... I was a normal person. All the familiar stuff that would lull me into sleep wasn't there. Weird. I can't even properly formulate it.

But yea - enough with that. The thing though is ... this whole 'me being confused' thing, it kind of ties into the big topic here. My brain has decided that my work is done for now. Well, I keep saying it and yet I continue as before. Maybe this will be the same. Like, if nobody reads any of this it won't matter anyway. I don't know why still ... .

Well. It would make sense - or would it?
Well. The thing is: This is me right now. Utterly confused, clueless and lost. That's the whole point here - and I suppose it has to be made big and fat and bold, possibly with neon markers and howling sirens.

Anyhow. Trying to keep things short, I'll just ...

1) A Roadmap

I'm stuck building out Phase 2. And my brain has decided that it's part of the plan. Well, either I'll need to wait until I can afford some weed again and am rested enough ... or there are actual reasons. It's sometimes hard to tell because often enough I have actual reasons but nobody cares anyway. ... Ooof. Well. Yea, there's a nerve right there. That one triggered some horrible anger! Oh yea, that's another thing I still have to ... .

OK. So. I'm useless right now because quite frankly - I shouldn't be in this spot anymore. All that's left to do is sit things out - while ... people work up the courage or enthusiasm or whatever to ... "do the thing". Whatever.
It's not about me, I have to accept that - I try to not make it about me, but in as far as I'm kind of a central figure I also try to be open about where I stand. And that ...


Right now ... does not entail the release of a Phase 2. Well. It's not like I planned this out anyway. I was like ... well into working out what Phase 2 would entail that I came to flesh out what ended up being Phase 1. So, this stuff has been what really kept me busy - but ... there's a block. I have the ideas, I kind of know what to do - but ... it's like a magical forcefield that just ... prevents me. And if this is me - as I would be - if God wouldn't lend me a hand ... give or take ... yea. Goodness gracious ...

Someone hear my cry! Not tears but ... screaming.

And I'm ... why is this [Zeal] taking me over right now while I actually wanted to write reasonably about ... what's on my mind there?

Anyhow: It seems like me getting any further into what Phase 2 would entail is cursed. I've tried numerous times to write about it - but ... my mental state collapses and I scrap the writing whenever I do. So, maybe it's a fork in the road. The alternative to that stuff would be what I'm telling you here. And I perhaps should treat you like addicts. If I even just give off the slightest appearance as though I have a plan you'd wait it out while I ... Burn up and wish you all to hell.

There sure is a Hellboy analogy in there somewhere. So, the thing with ripping off the horns ... . Because ... you know. When I feel like I should put forth a somewhat more violent rhetoric ... I start feeling good. So ... moving on:

2) Cancer

So, let's talk about my anger. I recently saw that a new Season of Black Mirror was on Netflix. And I started watching it. And then another day I continued watching it. And as of yet - I still haven't finished watching the first Episode. It just triggers me too hard.

Like ... on my Notes there's one that reads: "I hate YouTube". So yea. There's turmoil going on - and I suppose we're starting to see the aftermath of ... well, centuries - decades at least - of a certain kind of abuse and yea ... not all that's going on can be blamed on God. My anger can't be blamed on ... "being under the influence" ... but ... whatever.

When it comes to YouTube ads ... I feel like it's designed to Torture us. It's ... well. Psychological Rape does exist. And I don't know how often I was so angry at some OpOI'POjk"p)gioweqhjgpK VOTHR908BSDJ GO;H;J G'PASDOGJVIO;ERHV PSEOJG OERI;HO;THO; IHBJ OIEJB PSEORJO PDJPSIO9JO IHJ .... AD PLAYING ... that I lost all interest in whatever Video I wanted to watch - maybe I just wanted to see past THE OPIEHJGFIOWHegew gergoierhgo; seirgopdfj oirejohtrsgoerigj eropjgo0erijt oihoiwhoi why don't previews just keep playing?

Like ... I'm so angry ... I swear to God ... if I ever got the guy (or gal or whatever) into my hands that's responsible for those decisions ... I'd make the Edlar think I'm fucked up!

Yea ... it's virtually impossible and I probably would lose interest sooner rather than later but I wish I fucking could. Anyhow ... there's still outsourcing.
And I feel like I should thoroughly lean into this. Make it part of my persona. Like ... Campain on cruel and unusal punishment for whomever I deem guilty. The due process is to determine the punishment - with an unlikely chance for an "unguilty". And we're pulling it all up. Burning, boiling, rape - whatever. And I've been thinking about it - because in some moments I just can't help myself - which is to say ... it's not about Judgment. So, speaking of the labeling or marketing. It's none of the things that the Bible sais we shouldn't do ... just some good old human cruelty. How else to usher in a New Age? Like ... there's a cycle of death and rebirth - and ... yea ... that's an item on my list.

Like ... there's some backwards nonsense going on. Like ... republicans campaigned on how bad "Biden's Economy was" - and what did they do? It's like ... they can't but fuck up so they just fucked up so monumentally it would have everyone in stunlock and while everyone's stunlocked they tell you how it's a good thing actually.
But in more detail: So - what did they do? Slashing the Humanitarian aid and putting even more money into the Military. Like that's solving any of the problems! It's so ass backwards! It's politics rooted in paranoia - and as should actually be common sense: Panic is always bad. And all the big woes we have right now ... it's just about that! It's really just that!

Ugh. There's a lot that could be written about here but I'm emotionally barely able to hold myself together.


So, in short - I feel like should be taking cues from Vlad the Impaler, rather than Gandhi.


I mean, the struggle is real! This isn't a joke! I still haven't watched that first Episode of the new Black Mirror season yet because it makes my blood boil. I mean ... we know this is real. Sure it's ... artificial as for TV ... but ... it's such a perfect analogy for what this "Babylon" is.

So yea, now we're cutting into the meat!
I mean ... the current US administration funding A.I. based cancer research ... is probably going to be what it sounds like ... not what it's packaged as! It's the new thing and everyone wants to get the most out of it. They don't listen to all the warnings because it's just fiction while they're high on ... well ... the logic of industrialization.

Meanwhile A.I. is like ... bleeding us dry.
I mean - I actually have something nice to say about wealthy people. It's like with Good Kings and Bad Kings. Yet - God's position on Kings is more like ... "nah!". "We don't do that here!".

But yea. Back in the days when wealth wasn't as common as it is now - the few that had it were those with the opportunity to do all the stuff. Science and Exploration. The privilege of time and education. And now that this privilege is granted ... we take our kids, shove tubes down their throats and install them to a toilet. Like ... we might call what I'm suffering right now a Psychosis. Though, I'll go with my own definition for what it is.

I've seen it on YouTube. So, in short: what I mean is when someone gets very invested when drawing comparisons. Like ... if we compare what we expose our youth to to throwing babies against a wall - and that image all of a sudden gets paired with an anger that you physically have to underline the cruelty or whatever is pictured in that comparison. Like, I don't know how often I've driven the heels of my boots into someone's skull off of such ... visceral reactions ... but it's a lot!


I mean ... maybe you know it when an ache just becomes unbearable pain or so annoying you'd cut it out. Maybe some people have actually reacted to such impulses. I'd be surprised if not. And yea - in some instances ... that's actually what has to be done. Like with cancer.
But this has nothing to do with ... "fixing the world" or such. That's ... a separate thing so - none of this actually matters. But the more you want to focus on other things ... this is where I'm going! Emotional Healing. Not an eye for an eye - just ... venting. Catharsis? Well ... . So yea - punching Nazis isn't OK! It's too soft!

Like all those influencers that endorsed Trump - if they're not on their knees begging for mercy and doing some humiliating stuff for atonement ... I'd say they need a taste of their own medicine!


But uhm ... this isn't about Power. I've felt this way before. And seeing some Town Hall Video of people asking Check Mate questions followed by some lame non-answer ... and the same old BS talking points and stuff ... that makes me wonder how long it'll take until they're fucking ... "nailed to a wall!".

And this I'm not telling anyone in particular. This is just how I feel. And if you feel like I shouldn't because you're one of them ... then "Bu fucking huuu" ... which is the nicest you'll hear from me about that! Maybe I'm telling you that the reason why the Bible says that ... what's the words ... is because I'm ... a wreck! And I might do stupid things ... whichever ways it turns out but ... well ... I have reasons to believe that fortune will be on my side. And I wish someone would really push their luck on that. Someone who really deserves the clapback!


I mean. I talk like this ... without any means or "hopes" to follow through. Like I'm begging for a reality check! If it has to be like this ... then bring it!


And yea. I guess that sums it all up rather well. I mean - all those issues with all the many issues attached to them - there's no point. It's all meaningless.

3) Tomorrow

I mean ... I feel like people get it. I just hate that I'm stuck ... right now.
And I really ...

Maybe my problem is that I try to Understand things while right now is really not the time to try and understand. And sometimes one just has to let things go. Like I ... right now. Whatever.
I feel like we really need something uplifting - and watching Fascists figure out that they voted for being Fascists doesn't quite cut it for me! Anyway. I suppose I'll keep myself from writing anything anytime soon. And remember: its YOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUR fucking turn. Not mine.