A new Page

So ... hello there. I would think that at this point I don't have a need for introductions, but ... I suppose that appearances can be deceiving and ... for a brand new page it makes sense to put aside those ... mind-prisons.

Eventually however You should get each other up to speed; Whatever that means should also be beyond me ... but ... I don't even know how much of a You there is.


But, try as I might ... I fail to properly do as though there isn't. I mean, it's a bit of a trap in and of itself ... given that there's ongoing stuff also. Yea, ritualistic self-sabotage. I don't know ...
Makes me really want company. I mean ... God is there and what matters to Him ... that's its own thing; And for sakes of longevity where the real value is at. Something about ... "treasure in heaven".

But if it's just Him and myself, then why am I even here? Like ... this whole ... thing doesn't sit with me anymore. I mean, all of my "accomplishments" ... it's a double edged sword. Like, without society ... there's no need for it. I mean, if we are to put mortality aside ... and the need for material labour ... what's left? Why do anything?
Well ... I mean, ...

Inspiration was the topic. Like, for pretty much all that I do ... none of it comes from my self. For the most part I never had to struggle to survive; And I find it odd that we're 'raised' as though we're still hunter-gatherers in the jungle as opposed to being part of a civilized society.

Like, seriously. That Slavery is a serious political agenda to the tune of: If we don't feel the boot on our necks we won't be motivated to 'work' ... what horseshit is that? That's like ... astronomical.


But so ... most of what I grew up aspiring is ... intrinsically a part of society. Like, there's no Jungle for me to go hunt in. Even if I wanted to ... it'd probably cost me more than it would yield. So ... if it's a Character thing ... I think that Terraria is one way to ... "live out that ... uh ... urge".

You know. That primal urge to hunt eldritch abominations.


And stuff. Like ... I'm still 'evolving' my ... understanding of "deeper existential questions" ... like, what is the meaning of consistency in the great sea of eternity?

I have this urge, maybe it's a psychological terror, to hold on to my valuables. I mean, a moment of thinking about what pearls I have and how not to throw them before the swine ... kind of opens up some kind of mental treasure vault that is inevitably going to include "earthly belongings".

We might be taught to see the 'afterlife' as true salvation ... but that's an insanity in and of itself. Like ... Nirvana. I mean, to paint it as in Elden Ring, so, with utter pessimism ... it really is just the nuclear option. And we should make each other not want that. I suppose that's ... one way of putting it. To maintain an individual existence as part of a 'group' ... and to cultivate some meaning of continued mutual existence ... we have to do better than celebrate the individual dissolution into cosmic/spiritual soup.

Like, ... if we treat material wealth like it's a demon ... what do we do? We're still here ... . We still have to live with the consequences of those decisions. Is it a good thing to 'give'? To give it all for some kind of ... "greater good"? I mean ... there ought to be balance, is what I'm getting at.


My whole struggle here is kind of about that. Terraria is ... a social as much as an individual accomplishment. Terraria would not be without the footprint of other people's existence; And it is in and of itself a footprint of someone else's existence.
I internally keep tripping over this story of how I learned about Arrays. It sounds stupid when I say it out loud, but I felt stupid after I learned what Arrays are. Like, how did I not think of that myself? How could I have? It's not like the programming language I used made any attempts at teaching me. But it's ultimately just one item in a list of ... "ding" moments where I fundamentally understand the work of others as basis for my own.


And so there's a bar, or a ladder. And checking my privilege leads me to acknowledge that I don't have an intrinsic sense of urgency to survival. So, that's at least one step up the social ladder ... of civilizedness ... where there's more to life than the utter basics of suvival. So, if I had ten slots ... like, 'actions' to define a Character in some kind of game ... think, Final Fantasy (turn based) ... I can like ... look to things I 'want' to do, rather than 'have to'.

I mean, there's not much use to knowing how to light a campfire ... when growing up in an urban environment.
Like, You couldn't even make it useful ... if You tried ... for intrinsically it then becomes a 'want'.


Now, for me ... all I learned was 'want'. It's the thing You do. Like, choose a profession, a career ... a thing to do. So, it's then kind of a bait and switch when big politics comes in to tell You that actually ... no. And happenstance of course. There's many things that can happen - but one also doesn't see the roadblocks until one runs into them. Like, sure I have "opportunities" - but society is gated to funnel our Youth through an education program at the other end of which we're either drones or assholes. Maybe both.

We're guided by aspirations, but things like Sex-Appeal, Fashion ... Fame and Fortune - being a Super Star - many go to mimic that and then ... . I don't know. Apparently it works. The story would go that those are the ones that end up as the losers because they didn't learn anything useful. But in a way, if You don't learn anything useful ... You can't be arsed to be given any kind of responsibility.
I mean, I've met people I must assume are purposefully messy and bad at everything You might ask of them.

I mean, a society that's built like that can only fail. It's only a matter of time until it does - and then it has to resort to some form of slavery to keep itself together.


And it's like ... I can feel the leashes in my hand, and the outrcies that come with it, whenever I assume that "work needs to be done" ... like ... when I see/say "we need to ...". "We need people to put food in our mouths" is the simple bottom line. It needs to be emphasized and bolted into place. Anything else follows from THAT. So, that's the bottom line of "the economy"/"Industry".

I mean, maybe rework the phrasing such as for the morons to not take it literally.
Hmm ...
So, leaving it such that one sane-minded person could not but not take it literally.


And some people do ...

Anyway. It DOES strike me as odd that my realm of ... 'responsibilities' ... would preclude me from such labour. There's like ... some true ... problem/issue ... and that's the one bit ... where today being as it is, isn't a bad thing.

I mean ... between good and evil ... things become kind of two-dimensional in that both exist on a shared plane. Though it might be 3 or 4 or more-dimensional in and of itself, where the two meet - there are same-ish conditions. Like, within a society. Any opportunity that is generally available, is available to both. So, there is no 'good' that can be done without the possibility for evil to take advantage of it. And so, sure, safeguards need to exist - but they need to be in the right places. Starting with making sure that the one who says where they are - who could lock and unlock existing gates - is the right one.

I mean, "trust me bro" is good ... if there were like a way to double check. You know, just in case.

But yea. So, freedom means that we still have to fend for ourselves. I can't expect to be "given" ... success. ??? What am I talking about?


I mean - if Money were the measure of things, then one could clearly just 'give' success ... even without there being an accomplishment. Like ... people literally get paid for not saying things. So, the act of not saying a thing is like ... value sometimes. "Success" then is just a matter of perspective.

Hmm. So, if You don't have Your mind on the Money, that's what makes You a loser. And taking out credit is like the ultimate Loser move. Especially/At Least if You don't spend it on making more.

That's ... I mean, I suppose I did not need to know that. Nobody does. It's ... what it is. It's a load of dung in an interplanetary utopia. There's only a few places where it needs to be, and that is: not everywhere.


But sure thing. Opportunity doesn't come out of nowhere. I mean, it does ... that's like ... what it means. It's intrinsically the thing ... . Sure it doesn't come out of the literal NOWHERE in as far as THE LITERAL nowhere kind of doesn't exist ANYWHERE ... so, how do You call those things. Those ... intrinsic truths?
Like ... how do You define something that is itself ... a fundamental thing, like ... existence?

Am I stupid now?
But yea. Opportunities are what they are; And it's kind of "the Secret" that nobody tells You about. Except ... there's the other Secret. And I hate to say, but ... so, I was trying to get moss the other day, in Terraria, and the thing is that it only has a random chance of dropping from scraping some moss growth off of stone. And chance in Terraria ... is weird. I would have to know how it works to make sense of it, maybe it's precognition ... so, something may be deterministic about it ... but, no. Yea ... so. I was there mindlessly zooming around the cave kind of not knowing what I wanted. I mean ... for a moment it was gone from my mind and I just waited for something to drop. But just a lot of nothing. Eventually one dropped ... I read the item name ... and then it dinged. So ... I visualized the item name ... and all of a sudden it came raining down.

Peculiar thing.

So, if Opportunities are the secret sauce, then in truth ... success is to come as out of nowhere.

But ... then ... kind of like in Terraria ... what the stuff is that tends to come out of the general context in which opportunities manifest ... that's a matter of the general context in which opportunities manifest.


So, if we live in a Shit Biome then a lot of the "Opportunities" are going to be shitty.


And so ... I kind of know what to do with Terraria now. I ... no ... I don't. I mean, I do. I ... it's complicated.
It's psychological. So, maybe that's how we close this chapter on "Society for Beginners" ... and move on to ... "Psycho-competency".


One of the fundamental stresses I experience within me comes from a lack of determination; And determination does/can hinge on a couple of things - and ultimately translates into what strength can be utilized. As like ... to which lengths one is willing to go. And in Terraria I have two competing ... "sensations". The one is like ... the thrill of challenge. The road of accomplishments. Or more so: THE 'ROAD of Accomplishments'. And the other is to like, settle down.
Like ... I have all this junk; And unless I get it sorted ... I cannot continue there. So, where do I go? Where to put it?

Part one of the Challenge would be to find a nice spot. So, here I made the right call ... for myself ... which is to just play the game until the opportunity arises. Because at the end of the day, that's the point. Right? To ... play the game. If ... and when I feel like playing it. But so I've also compounded my experience into these isolated cells; Which ... I have a difficult time "breaking". So, I have discovered a place ... and all the value and virtue that led me to its discovery is now antithetical to the purpose that brought me here.

Sanity, it would seem, requires me to boil it all down to ... a single Character. To understand that it's all me - and that I need to let it come together. It sounds nice on paper ... but then I'm there in the game and I'm like ... why am I doing this? I mean, do I really have a problem?

And maybe I do. The idea itself, the ambition behind it, the vision ... the creative urge perhaps or ... whatever. But what I'm looking for, actually, isn't 'THERE'. What I need is an idea that's ... fun. And I don't know. I mean, I get to these moments and I'm like ... it may be worth to keep that in mind ... I have nothing BUT a virtual identity.

LIKE. I mean, "the Path of the Nerd"/Loser ... as it were ... where the things I accomplished happened inside of a box projecting colors to a screen. A lot of them anyway. Fashion? Well, I do Fashion Souls and have a collection Problem in Terraria.
And I suppose that what I really want is for that to matter more. To have a way to translate the virtual reality into actuality. And deep within my ambitions round about Crystals ... there's this and that which ... ...


I've written about it before a few times. But so the question is also one of data maintenance and importantly ... the gamification of it. I mean, that's kind of the ... thing. That ... there's a gaming experience which ... will then require its own rules. And the question is ... which rules make sense? On the one hand there's "Creative Mode" and all the good that comes with it. On the other there's ... Trophies. Like, from Adventures. Which is ... maybe troublesome.

On the one hand I feel however like I want to have Bragging rights. If I want to "wear" something You can only get by doing a certain thing ... then I'd have to go do it. That's the "Hunter" aspect. If I want to 'wear' something because something impressed me to a point of adaptation ... I maybe don't want to go out of my way to get it. That's the "Adventurer" aspect of it. And somehow I'm getting the two confused.
As for myself.

The most purposeful part of this is however the "Learn to Play" aspect. If there's a game that needs to be played for any of this to matter, the fundamental aspect is the gameplay ... followed by the various skills. And there would be the difference between a Vanity item and a PvP thing.


Hmm ...