Not good

Well, good news: I still got last months sallary - or a part of it - so, I'm not done just yet. But I suppose I'm getting there and I feel like y'all are already all giggidy about it.

Right now I'm being assured that it's over tho, and I just have to stay put. Yet I'll be guessing, in a week from now, two weeks from now - I'm still going to be here waiting.
I mean, it's way too often like that. Phantoms, figments of my mind, wandering around, checking, like ... is everything alright? and such - and I'm like "yea, but You're not actually there tho". And there was a time where these things have been enough to pacify me. To give me the feeling that someone's out there, caring.

Now it all boils down to "Can we do anything to help?" "You can talk to me" "No, can't do that" - well, thanks then, but I suppose that under these circumstances I'll have to manage without.


And why is it such a thing? I mean ... y'all are cucked. Like ... I don't know what to say that I low key feel like sitting down next to the Antichrist and laugh about all you. I can get behind that. Just ... look at it ... and maybe throw some fuel in the fire in the hopes someone might get burned. Like who cares? Why the fuck not? What even is this shit?

And then it's low key like ... he might be my best friend after all. On this planet. Like, the person who knows me the best. Maybe even a peer of sorts. And I can't help but be jealous at this point over what he's got. I mean, say what You will but they get shit done. Unlike ... "we" ... where ... I'm not sure if I can or want to count myself in.

I mean, I'm not feeling like we're on the same team here.


And bad news: I'm a lot more unstable than I thought. I was just about to update my status to green, but now we're deep in the red again. The one moment I was there, fine, happy even ... thought to lay down and relish in the peace ... but by the time I was laying down the peace was already halfway gone and then it was like half an hour until I felt like wanting a devorce. I mean, in my heart I signed it and later moved on to completate for how much I'd sell her. Like, what even is this?

I thought she loved me and it'd be a way to get away from the abuse, but dear Jesus almighty ... this is even worse.
So I found myself laying there asking God to just throw me into Hell for it can't be worse than this.

Assuming that Hell is fire and not just more of this nonsense. I really must have been a bad person during my lifetime ... for this to be my hell.


And in this back and forth we all agree that nobody is going to do shit, ... so, that's that. End of the story, we're done. Have fun! Go f yourself.

I mean, seriously. The one moment it's like ... yea, we can find love together but the very next thing I hear is "how much she hates me" ... and that's then ... what I'm trying to go to bed with. No wonder it's the way it is.
Why does she hate me? For what? Well, I don't fucking know. It's all part of this "no talk" directive. What even is this?

Doesn't it strike You as just 'wrong'? But no, people - so I "see" - call it "unfair". Like ... it's ... not fair but ... well, can't do anything about it. Tell me, when You go suck his dick or get pent, do You put on Your good outfit and tidy up Your family for a good impression?

I mean, I don't know if I dreamt it or if it happened - but this dude and his wife and I think I also see a kid or two passed me by and said: "Not doing to great, eh?!" and I'm like "no, not really!" and he's like "well sorry, we can't help You" - and at the time I'm like, fine ... whatever. And maybe that little sentence was enough to get them into trouble or something ... but ... as for the can and cannots ... I really can't. You just chose to can't.

You really do! You're fucking cowards and with that, no better than the rest.


And I'm OK because I don't feel like imposing, but seriously ... once we put the Antichristians aside, who's next in the line of people who should feel responsible? Well, at long last, nobody does.
And so there's three parties that aren't gonna do anything - and all are looking at the others - and ... seriously ... fuck Yourselves!

And sure. That's another thing. There's no way I'll accept anyone "in my spirit" because ... what has it done for me so far but brought me delusions and heartache and disappointment? And if to You it's already like a thing, then yea, what's the problem? Why can't You talk to me?


This is so stupid and I feel like imposing an Ultimatum, but ... who am I to do so? I mean, You do understand that whatever "high fantasy" imaginations You have of me is just that ... an imagination. An abstraction. I can't actually fly and stuff like that. And yea, I enjoy myself some abstraction and maybe got a little too high of it myself. So yea, put it all on me again. Right? I mean ... sure thing.

So, I guess ... that means that there's nothing to see here, after all. You're not going to do anything - I'm out of options ... short of defecting to china ... see how that plays out ... but I'm kind of not down for that. I at this point just want to see it all burn.

Fucking sorry but ... my emotional capacity is reached. I could try to sugarcoat it, filter my output, be more considerate - as there sure is this or that tiny little something that hasn't been totally corrupted just yet, but why even try? I'm alone here, nobody cares - so whom am I even doing it for?

And yea, I'm leaning against the better advice. She being like "don't go sour" ... and He being like "don't say You're done" - and I'm fucking doing both because I'm fucking done and I'm fucking sour and I don't know how to fucking stop it. If I slip I slip - I can try to find my bearing but ... gravity is a bitch like that.

Tomorrow things might be fine again, but right now ... I'm sick of "all this", and "all this" includes "all of You". And by sick I mean SICK. FUCKING SICK FUCKING SICK SICK SICK SICK SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK.

But why am I even telling You that. "I'll be fine" - and that's all she said. Thanks for nothing!
I mean, I don't get it. What's the hold up? What's the ... reasoning behind it?


What am I not getting?

Same goes for Crystals. If it's so easy, tell me what I'm missing! Is that even the issue? Who knows? I won't tell ... make of it what You will. Your demands mean NOTHING to me.
And the logic that comes with it ... pointless. Waste of breath and time.

And sure thing. You don't care about me. I'm not a part of Your life. You got Your own worries and bills to pay. Yea, that's how they get ya. Bills. But come on. These folks are rich, what bills? And famous, so ... what's secret about it?
No, I'm just not important. And not to make it about myself: Neither is what I represent. And if that's how You wanna play it, I can't but say "alright" - because, it's not my job to make Your decisions for You. That's why You have the Antichrist. He's Your daddy, isn't he?
How fucking disgusting!


I mean, seriously. I've let it slip, like always - thinking, sure there's a plan. Sure they have to be careful because the Antichrist is gonna ... . And now it's like ... I don't know where to draw the line between the two.

And the answer as always is that God is somehow magically going to fix it. Like ... how? How without Your involvement? Judgment day is how ... is my guess. Since You'd be asking me but not actually because who cares what I have to say?
It's not like it matters one way or another. You want it that way. If not, You'd see it it. But all You're seeing towards ... is Your own little needs and the rest can go fuck themselves. And since we all agree that everyone is like that ... yea, have my blessing.


Well, not quite ... but ... I don't wanna think about it or act like I have to be super specific here. It's not worth it. This too is basically just ... make of it what You will.