Tough Shit!!!

I don't know how this started. I was just done writing and in a mood to lay down. Like ... I had wanted to ... given how overall stressed I am. And I don't know why ... like, what triggered it, maybe it's just habit ... well, quasi habit ... hmm. No, this is important. It's one of those details ... . "There is no detail" - and however I put it, at least among the things I think of in the moment, it would seem wrong. So, there was nothing and I said that I have nothing to do so I can go to bed. Lay down, whatever. So, in that motion ... I ... . I guess I wanted to ignore whatever could come up, before it comes up.
I so laid down, pushing possible responsibilities further out ... and someone, somewhere ... well. I don't know. A figment of my imagination? Well, a blar of sorts, it became incredibly disappointed and sad and like: Like this I don't want to work with You anymore.

"Yea fine!" - I thought ... whatever ... .

So I laid there ... with things going through my mind. Theatre ... in a way. Somehow I did the right thing ... it would seem. And 'why' doesn't matter - because "it's politics" or whatever. Theatre. Irrational Nonsense. Like ... "the usual BS". As suspected.
What gets me is how this is even a matter. Like ... why You ... play into that. I mean, why else would it be a thing.
It's not like they'll just give "it" to You. Well, correct me if I'm wrong.

Whoever You are.


It's like a YoYo. There are these blars in my mind ... they're always upset, always arguing ... always on the verge of abandoning them. Like ... for years. And it's like ... hypnosis ... I suppose. It's the same thing, year in, year out. There's a bit of a spike when my Birthday comes around, then there's Christmas and New Year, ... . So, at this point I can't expect anything else.

Not even just that. I can't entertain it anymore. I can't ... deal with this nonsense. But how to get it out of my head?


So, I was watching this theatre ... and I suppose ... there's something about Truth ... a Metaphor to a Tree and sawing off the branch upon which You sit. And yea, a few things fall into place now. Like, there are these moments where God is like ... extra upset. Different. Different enough for me to register it as some kind of act, but still present enough for me to take it as from Him and on face value. And here ... He's like gesturing to me that I should really be careful about which Branches I'm thinking of cutting.

Though there is a load of symbolical value to it - there's a Kernel of Truth in there. A principality. Now, I wouldn't care much about Symbolism. That's like ... the least of my concerns. So, of course I wouldn't cut Him out of my life ... but the ... Layer ... or "Level" of reality on which this is true ... it's also kind of abstract to ... like ... the confines of this world, so ... I may very well ... cut Him out and burn all Bridges ... like, my Heart has been there a couple of times already. And while these are fragments ... encased within a greater whole ... the full story ... then takes us there. All is well and I present to You ... so and so. The story. In truth, with healthy distance and sobriety even. But so ... the full story then also entails these darker aspects - and I find it difficult to properly ... "lay them clear".

So, what gets to me is that HE cares about this Symbolism ... that's how I understand these gestures ... and for however upset I might be, I should only ... take care of ... not messing THIS ONE up.


How would I? How could I? Well, so far ... all of these ... . Well, all of the Drama up and so far ... right now ... only does ONE thing. It informs me ... that it is a thing, probably.
So, did I ... not recently write something about being sour and ... "done" ... ? Sure, it's a fragment of the story. Usually it happens when I'm otherwisely occupied ... then it happened while I was writing.

And what would the story now be? That this is enough for HIM to let me go. That after taking all of HIS shit, ... which may very well just be to nerf me for Yours sakes ..., I get sent off because I got upset?
I mean ... .

I guess it sounds weird. I mean, if we ignored concepts such as Love and Forgiveness.


To cut God out of my life ... to cut off that Branch ... well. I suppose, for the affect ... it wouldn't really take all that much anymore ... . But the truth then still remained, that I would be sent over the edge by a fallacy. A "mood" ... the overwhelming consequence of stress ... perhaps biochemistry also plays a role.


I am not seeking those moments. I try to avoid them and I try to defend against them.
But there's also a certain automatism ... that has already set in. Like, I despise what's happening ... within me. Be it positive or not. I ... can't care. If it's positive ... it becomes a target, so ... why even get invested? It's just more effort down the road. And if it's negative ... well, I'm pretty much certain that it's a thing and it will come and so and so ... whatever ... I don't care ... or well, I do but uhm ...

Well ... what to do?


What even is the goal?
So, I was there watching that theatre unfold ... and it all settled on ... well. That statement ... which I made by cutting off the branch upon which I sit. And I didn't do it out of myself. This wasn't MY choice. Well, it was ... but ... . God gave it to me. So, there was a lead-up. Yesterday ... the days past. The "marker" was set ... to not take them. But this morning ... I had been awake, I had nothing to do, by all accounts my motivation to be there had taken full swing ... and I was ready. I didn't study ... for it, but ... whatever. I'd take them and be done with it. And then that energy got in conflict with the previous marker, I stalled and hesitated - and in the confusion ... well, I ... did ... there ought to be a term for that ... into a rationality driven mindset and then just got ready and went. And so we did as He suggested. Sortof. So, I was feeling alright, was worried that I might be late ... but then, in the subway to school I had to think this through again.

I figured that I had NO reason ... to not take them. Other than ... the stuff around the marker, but ... that's ... I didn't get it. Unless there's like ... some weird something ... well. It had to be some irrational BS ... but so, I came to refocus, as ... however slim, or narrow, the lessons learned ... or so ... from what I can tell I needed a pointer - and so ... as we arrived at the station ... I didn't get up ... and hoped that nobody I know would notice me.
I didn't see anybody.

So, I drove on a bit ... until eventually I got out and then ... I ... I don't know.


I have ... "mixed feelings" about this.

But I guess to show what branch I'm sitting on ... this is effective.
But it is also stupid. I just want to ... highlight that. I mean ... it may only be a drop ... compared to the whole mess I'm in ... but well. Maybe it's psychological.


And like so ... the theatre went away. It ended on a point, I figured that it made no sense ... and then I got ... into my depression over how these things tend to go. If all we did was some symbolical statement somewhere, then OMG ... [turning my eyes]. Well, it's kind of fuzzy, but then a Plushy came to life within me. Heiko, my Bull. And ... I don't know. He's been a bit weird ... . The recent ... month. Kind of since ... the situation with my stomach became serious. He used to be a great Placebo of sorts ... "Healing Powers" ... but as things got dark, he became absent.
I mean ... I suppose I came to some place of peace ... seeing how ... I mean, I don't really have a reason to be upset about this situation. I mean ... if He says He's got me ... but uhm. No ... I was definitely also a bit ... cynical.

Anyway ... Heiko was different then. Not mean and ... distant, but ... like, making ammends. And whatever. It's ... a moment and by the time I am in conscious control again ... well. I don't know. But ... I then got to a way of thinking "whichever way You do it is wrong" ... and that's ... I mean, I could describe it as a faint, psychedelic hallucination, Heiko had this really angry face ... . And yea, scripture tells us that there's always a way ... and somewhere it also reads something about cynicism being bad.
So ... this message is sponsored by: "Invisible Power"/"Psychosis of Mine".


I would have to know more to say more ... I suppose.
But ... I guess it makes sense. I've been slowly falling to some kind of poison. Cynicism ... that set in after years and years of ... remote brainwashing. I mean ... whatever we want to call it.
And within it comes a hopelessness ... and what works against it?

The statement that there's always a way?


I mean, I don't know what to tell You here - all in all - but from following the crumbs I get to here ... and in that particular headspace ... the way out is simply ... "the right way".

I mean, if we're stuck between one thing and the other, as the two extremes of "either way", ... it's just two idiots fighting and ... that shouldn't concern us. You get what I mean?

I mean. I may say, think and feel that "either way You do it, it's wrong" - but still there's a right thing to do. Somewhere, somehow.


Where that path will take You ... that's another story. But if there ever is one exit ... it's this one.