Finality

Fancy title. Little substance. Perhaps a brainfart ... or a symptom of insanity.

I'm doing fine ... apparently, but then ... ever so often ... things just flip, things get inverted and I'm like ... "cool".


And ... I don't know ... . Things changed ... shifted ... so, I came to assume more and more of myself ... thinking myself the problem; And maybe thus came to adopt some "ambitions" that essentially distort my ego and ... well.
Not that it matters?

Maybe it does. I'm ... certainly not feeling well. Like I'm losing my mind. Something's certainly off or wrong ... like ... I'm drunk. I'm not taking things seriously anymore ... or at least ... I don't know how to ... "deal with it". "Seriously".

I mean, I guess ... what I'm saying here does, in a way, translate into: Me losing/abandoning my own principles in an attempt to "reachmax" my efforts. The manifest consequence to all of my "You know what? FUCK IT!"s ... after my better self got its hands on the debris.

But so I'm slowly coming to the end of it. I'm starting to get deja vues ... I'm walking in circles ... wondering just how much more I'm supposed to do and why?


I mean, maybe You're new here ... and maybe I should adjust to that ... but that too is like ... starting to get old.

Meanwhile I wonder why there's even still a point to me ... doing this ... and without any markers ... or anchors ... solid reference points ... it's kind of ... NOT possible. Like, it's all black and void ... to say: "Same ol Same ol" ... just the constant sound of the rushing of the shit creek.

"Hey, we figured it out!" ... except ... well, nobody cares.
And I find it difficult to get excited or ... invested in any form of hopium or distractium these days.


Like, what can I say?
If You so want a plan ... and I start thinking about it ... I come back around to the same thing. Put the Light onto the Pedestal. Make it so that people can see it. Like ... for a start. What else? I don't get the hold up. I don't ... understand the pause.

Is it at long last so ... that we need to think to ourselves ... and abandon those who might?

To direct myself unto You, reasonable other ones?


Maybe not.

I shouldn't put myself out there like that.

Taking lead, getting in the way of ... whatever it is You ... do. Or think ... You do, because quite frankly ... I'm getting pushed around like ... I haven't really done "all there is to it" just yet. And how does that make any sense?

Which is it now?

So I'm on the hunt ... for something. Following markers. But what then is it that I find ... at the end? Is it addiction? Like ... heroin? Or worse? I have had nightmares like that. It may be a metaphor. Like ... for Stockholm syndrome. Some additiction for recognition and acknowledgment. Some need ... for validation. Perhaps not directly for self, but ... for convictions or beliefs. And they are taken to the enemy, like virgins unto dragons ... thrown as pearls before the swine. What You expect? Don't You see it yet? They are the enemy. Call them friend or foe - whatever ... but they are not Your friend when it comes to the Truth. Are they wolf in sheep clothing? Or am I the sheep in wolf clothing?

Whichever way ... at some point I have to ring the alarm, call it delusional and ... hope that there's someone somewhere capable of helping.

Or the other way around. Whatever I'm looking at ... it ... can't be real. I need help!


And if it's real ... I don't know. I don't see it happening. Like, that's not going to help - no help will come from that ... someone will have to step in.


Like, You tell me. It's like an abusive relationship that I'm caught up in, without even being a part of it. They argue, they fight ... and then somehow I feel like they're having sex.

Whatever it is.
How long? Well, it's been like ... more than 20 years now. I mean, it all started with a Love letter. Then, You might say, I became paranoid and psychotic, asking more pointed questions ... and none of the questions I ended up having were ever answered.


And, what is it that we're waiting for?
Can anyone tell me that? Resolutions? Resolutions to what?

Prophecy? Like ... who the fuck cares?


Maybe formulate Your question in a way a sane person can understand. And go off of ... what is given. Like ... seriously ... .

Then I feel wrong for ... being like this. Asking anything. Jabbing for consequences. Fishing for acknowledgment or ... . I mean, really ... acknowledgment in form of ... a response. Am I crazy? Like ... do there be miracles? [shrugging intensifies once more]


Like, I can't see how there aren't. So, that's me ... being convinced like "You can't tell me otherwise". If You want to tell me otherwise, sure we'll have a problem and I might end up in a white room. But because I can't accept that, I'll assume that there be ... and so, what the fuck is the problem?

I mean, I ... am supposed to be passive, waiting for You ... somehow. But when I do I feel like ... nothing is moving, things are drifting away ... so ... yay! What do I do now, but to extend beyond my comfort zone?
And become someone who I'm not ... to then find, well ... whether I can get used to it or not. But that's ... neither here nor there ... now ... is it?

Then people wanna act like ... I don't want it. Like, they're doing me a favor by keeping me off scene. And sure enough, if that's how You wanna be about it ... I don't need it! #TurnAroundAndFuckRightOff.

So, I have to humble myself. Calm down. Refocus. Assume that I'm not ready or whatever ... but where is this going to end? So I see myself getting sick, more and more, mentally unwell ... so ... things start to give.


So again, I shouldn't be demanding like this ... and ... yet, it's inevitable. It's a catch 22 ... where the bottom line seems to be that I'm like "doing all the wrong things" ... apparently. Like, if all I do is wrong and someone knows what and why ... yea, I guess I can't be the Prophet and we should listen to THEM. So, where is it?

Not that it matters to "oh ye mighty ones" ... that I be asking, I suppose. But still, uhm ...


I mean, how to argue with it? POINT 1: The Gnostic Dilemma. And if nobody cares ... then I'm sorry but I can't help You. I'm sorry for being weird ... and ... I don't know. [fuck it. ... how to even ... say it? It's like ... nothing is right. Absolutely nothing. I don't exist ... even, I'm like a fairy tale. ...]

What can I even do?


...

This whole topic is a nothingburger.