What's a little Backstab amongst Friends?

Stupid little wake-up topic? Yea. So, I was having a dream - and I'm kind of glad that I'm actually having dreams again. Like normal ones. That I can remember and muse about the next day. Dreams that aren't just weird amalgams of discomfort, abstract shapes and such.

So, the dream was basically like playing a Videogame. Some Medieval Colony Builder ... but like ... real life "Graphics". It basically picked up as I wanted to check out my Inventory because it seemed to be full and I was looking for something. So, I went down through some hole into some basement and there beneath some chimney-like crawlspace was the inventory. There was weird stuff there, things I might want to sort out to make room ... and then some Old Lady entered the scene, rummaged around, found some gardening tools and encouraged me to go gardening with her. And so off we went; But weird stuff started to happen. Stuff got lost or confused; For a while I was trying to find a matching pair of gloves - and all of a sudden an asphalt road and ... I must assume that she got ran over by a car because the whole story didn't really lead to anything. Which is to say, it faded to the scene of a Citadel that was being built by others ... I presume. It had stained glass windows ... but the inside was filled with liquid by utilizing the "plane logic" of the windows. So, I went in there, swam around but someone followed me and started griefing me. Where I wanted to exit they designated the other side of the window to be 'magma'. I guess the liquid itself was "healing water", which was nice but I so was struggling to get out. Luckily I made it to one of them large stained glass windows - and there were people there, I guess, unless that was part of my wake-up hallucination already. But the last thing I remember, or so the feeling I woke up with, was something stuck in my back. Like the person following me through the water had tried to claw onto me. Kind of like a Knife. Last thing that he said was "Nice! Can I use that?" - looking at the Stained Glass Window, speaking of the Healing Water behind it I assume - and later some people were carting out a model of some citadel that was surrounded by a Force Field with Lava stuff all over it; And something about them having done something like that before or that a person actually was killed at some point.

And yea, looking at the clock, I didn't really sleep for very long.
But this dream - simple as it is, plus that odd feeling in my back that really "stuck" the impression into me that I just barely made it out and that there's some serious effort put into this ambush - made it this easy to recall reminder of ... "some sort".

I mean, starting with what I think of the faces of the assasins, an overall feeling of diststust - and the whole round about.

Which is to say that ... in a way it might seem like I'm using this dream as a pretense for pointing fingers, to the point where it then becomes questionable whether I actually had this dream; While overall it just triggered certain thoughts and impressions that were already there and ... like so it isn't really a new topic anyway. We might then perhaps rather talk about Bad Blood and who does what to either prolong or de-escalate it - which from my perspective is further complicatedEd by the matters of "which side I'm on" - because here I no longer act as an individual but more so on behalf of what might be called a political entity. And more than anything, this affiliation seems to be the driver behind that Bad Blood. I'm their enemy, the way I see it, merely by virtue of being on 'this side'; And how they keep acting against me - for no other apparent reason - only furthers that impression. That I cannot personally change God's judgment on HIS own rules and reality is ... I suppose somewhere between 'ignored' and used as a Character Judgment. Because yea, to forgive them would mean that I abandon God and all the ideals that hold me there; Or wait ... nobody is talking about MY ideals bla bla ... whatever.

Like, I still have to "just be complicit with" ... but I can still perfectyle pretend like I'm an overall nice person and righteous and such, "except when" ... . Which is where the bollocks starts that convinces bad people I guess ... but it really doesn't gel well with being nice and righteous; So, if You're serious about those things it's just not going to land.

And huh ... that's odd. I just meant to add some sidenote/random remark which turned out to be this extensive and thorough summary of the whole plot ... which I didn't think was necessary but now ... that is in and of itself already worth having sat down to write about that dream.


And with that base covered, it's a lot easier to move foward with the "pointing of fingers". Starting with the "Hey, those guys over there" ... "what's up with them?" ... "I mean, You know!" ... "Yea!" ... sortof, except there's the "I wonder ..." part, where it's not quite sure ... just how deep this or that goes. As in, how Evil they are.

I mean, people like to say that Good and Evil don't really exist. It's a Religious Extremist worldview that is way too black and white. And overall, with that sentiment I agree. When all You have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail and such. There is however a lot that exists between the two; And life is worth "so much more" ... than what You get out of thinking in these categories.
When You do, You can start to see "Good and Evil" as something that's just ... not meant to be side by side. I mean, if everytime You mention Good You also have to mention Evil and the other way around ... it really diminishes the true meaning of either of those words. And when we want to put that dichotomy aside, we do so trying to find that which is GOOD. Not constantly getting into a Jihad mindset - sotospeak.
And then, once You understood the GOOD for what it is outside of being MERELY "the opposite of Evil" - You start to understand EVIL also, at first by proxy through the naturalistic understandings of BAD.

Achievement Unlocked: The answer of Sorrows.

But so it begins, still, as this almost absurdist idea of ... "human behavior" ... like, You wouldn't believe that a person could truly be EVIL. Like, straight from a Comic Book. Unironically.

And sure, fair enough. The card "Good in Evil" would at first also suggest as much. There just has to be 'something'. Something we could further declare to be some kind of grand Universal Law of social togetherness; As in this context with eyes on the matters of different ideas of 'togetherness'. Like, when looking at Christians there's this cliche of singing Kumba Yah; Which is really just one way of it. Some ancient tribes are said to worship idols while performing human sacrifice. That too would count.

And so the question: "Just how EVIL do You think they are?"


I think Elizabeth Weir and Colonel Ellis (???) make for a great ... comparison. Where Weir would believe in a diplomatic solution, Ellis would lean towards caution with extreme prejudice.


And here, ... I mean. I always liked/respected the Character (Ellis) - as also a careful reminder that these stories are fiction. And while Weir turned out to be right in that "should we Nuke the Replicators" debate, sort of, in a way that isn't all that far fetched, there still is clearly no point in arguing with the Replicators either. So it also doesn't really work as a "Gatcha" either, which so to the point is ... an artistic choice.

I mean, in ideal cases stories like this work as parables; But sometimes the line gets a little blury ... between parable and prophecy.


That ... well, it wasn't really a Blade per se, more like one of those Squid Needles/Ships ... also made me think of something else: The story with Esau and Jacob. It took me a while to piece it together; But this weird Suit that this Apollyon Figment is wearing - so to my impressions - is kind of like a Fur Suit ... as to make a point on being Esau ... which I can only read as an anti-Jacob sentiment. Or anti God by virtue of God having chosen Jacob and all of that. And it's like ... a story/thing that keeps coming up. The Holy Mother and the Antichrist, Jacob and Esau, David and Saul, John and Paul perhaps, me and Apollyon ... in the context of which ... the Esau getup is clearly a mask a.k.a. the first instance where maybe ... there's a sympathetic angle for him. I mean, in that story he sure got done dirty ... but might I ever hear the end of the story of having only been the second-born? While originally I clearly am the first born? And from there we move on to "how much better he would have been" as the chosen. Where the past two Millennia - give or take - would in my opinion rather paint a picture of how is a bottom feeder that leeches off of other people's accomplishments ... to put it politely as to keep it brief.

Every positive side-effect is taken as a grand accomplishments until for some reason unbeknownst to me the tough decision has to be made to counteract those positive side-effects. "It just so happens" I guess.

But clearly I didn't do much better. Except, legend has it that Salomon grew up with a golden spoon in his mouth and he fucked things up spectacularly. "My Bad" I guess.


But so, yea. The pointing of fingers starts way before this dream even begins to be a topic.

But to be fair, I can't really play the innocence card, referring to my growing up in this lifetime. I have to keep that in mind. But they didn't prove to be the bigger person "either". So, what am I to think? Do they spend like ... decade upon decade couped up in some hidey hole while holding grudges and forging grand evil plans of megalomaniac domination?

Like, should there be a dark cloud hovering above the Vatican at all time ... ? Spiced up with the occasional thunderstorm ... ? Or would it be more of a constant thing?


I mean, there is probably plenty of grounds for debate; One way or the other. But so, I'm "clearly biased" - but because I'm a "weak christian goodie two-shoes" ... that too could go either way.
And so the story goes on.

Where I should watch my step AND my mouth I guess ... because ...

Well, from my position, they could just paint any picture they wanted. I say that I'm alone - but ... You don't have to believe me. All they need are some people acting in my name - sounds familiar - and there I am, left without a clue what it even is that I'm arguing over.

So, they're just doing their thing, trying to do right by themselves, making friends - and in come I who's sole agenda is pointing fingers at them while trying to get a rise out of it. I mean, that's not entirely true but I might have gotten up on the wrong foot. Maybe just once was enough to make for a good moment. I mean, also, by the way, it is LITERALLY the FIRST SEAL (or all of them) ... so, what else would I be writing about?

I mean, sure. Preaching the Gospel without ever touching upon that part would be ... a thing one might think about; And maybe the strategically superior one - but, the thing that I was acting ON was this idea of not using knowledge/truth as a weapon. It's been a silent accusation "thrown at me" that I tried not to lean into ... and so I focused on my piece about Baptism and Unification and coming to God for Testimony. And at that point I suppose I wasn't all that familiar with "Antichristian Nonsense". I did very little to defend the honor of God, and more so focused on my story, my experience ... and possibly just added fuel to the fire.

Maybe enough so that one might find grounds to doubt which side I'm on.

A side effect of that was that I grew quite comfortable with uncomfortable truths. Which in my mind is a really "baller" thing to do and ... a grand epic display of ... picture perfect gospel purity. [Drova Laugh and Spit Emoji]

I also had suspicions of who I was, all in all, but I tried to not dwell on that too much; After all ... I had not much of a leg to stand on - in my own opinion - and should rather try to make a name for myself.


And somehow, because the name is 'Nicole Christina Sonnberger', I feel like taking a brief detour into gender. If I were a man ... I'd be somewhere between Keanu Reeves and Adam Driver; Being overall more of a Sheppard type of Guy with a dash of MacKay and a sprinkle of Ronon on top. I mean, Sheppard flying Atlantis causes legitimate Envy within me. But I'm NOT a man, which I suppose also means that matters of extroverted versus introverted behavior have to be read differently; So I would look more like a Daniel Jackson except without the "Hard Core". Similarly did Tolkien not do much with his Academic Background and instead focused on writing Fiction. The fiction being some kind of surrogate family/reality to the female essence that had no other way to really bear fruit.

But anyway ... . "Humble Opinion". In actuality there's then the whole introvertedness/finding THE WAY angle that would need to be considered which ... makes it somewhat impossible to say I think. So I'm basing this opinion off of "the man "I could have been"" - 'were I a man' to begin with.


I would love to have more context because I believe that ultimately their shit revolves a lot more around me/my man than mine/ours revolves around them. They however are just there ... being what they are, doing what they do. Which in short boils down to: "Being in the way". For whatever reason. Which then again begs the question: "Just how EVIL are they?".

Because yea ... ultimately I had no true reason to believe that they're like truly EVIL. And that whole ... acting all cutesy and this whole "Good in Evil" theory ... it gave me pause to think and it has me admit, right here, that I certainly got into the topic with a lot of prejudice. Though, in my defense, there were good reasons for that prejudice but that then takes us into the whole back and forth of pointing fingers so ... "bad start"?

But at long last I arrive back at ... the side of caution. That ... benefit of the doubt and all that ... fair or not; I also shouldn't let it blind me from the facts. I mean, I have to seriously beg the question: How much can You really expect from me? If so, and that's not a big if and it isn't far fetched in the slightest, I was sent here to preside over the table of fair judgment - and all that they have is prejudice upon prejudice to inch out reason over reason to not be at that table ... then what am I to make of it?

So, if You put all the "he say she say" aside ... my story remains the same. I read book, I say what is in book ... and instead of there being fair dialogue I find myself ransacked and tossed to the wayside.


You should be able to see that I actually have very little that I can bring to bear ... and now it's people asking for the Seven Plagues to PLEASE BE LITERAL. Which takes us to the final "piece" of the conversation: God. I mean, is it now so that they would have us believe that "he who sat himself in the Temple of God" did so with fair reason and the best of intentions?
Then it would be so that God stands accused and by virtue of being with HIM stand accused as a co-conspirator, no?
And "therefore" I'm not allowed to sit at that table because there's so and so many things God would have to answer for before "we'd even be allowed to speak"? Am I getting this right?

I mean, I previously dropped a statement to the effect of ... accusing God of making tall promises but not delivering on them; Which I suppose is a can of worms that ... might rub some people the wrong way. What I'm referring to is this impression that I would try to reach people but apparently there's always some freak accident preventing me from getting heard. Why else would I still be sitting here alone ... left with the occasional impression that nobody is actually listening?
I would start to feel bad about it, seek the failure in my own - but then come to realize that HE too has a certain responsibility to the success of this mission. And if HE can't do HIS part to whatever I've been trying to do - a.k.a.: If I'm to constantly run after people ... then I don't know what I'm doing anymore! Or what to expect from HIM a.k.a. where is HE in all of this?

And if that's a non issue, as I'm left to understand is what it is supposed to be at this point, then that thing is crossed off the list.


And so - if I'm understanding this correctly - we have a bit of a turntable situation, where it isn't I that presides over the table but I stand accused by the table. Except there is no table. And what words come to mind ... trying to make sense of it? Cowardice maybe? Or is that ... too harsh already?
Or is it maybe so that I'm said to be a Lucius Levin type of Character? Woe to those who let me speak, for I will charm everyone with my ... magic breath. Yea ... I don't think 'magic' is the right word to describe it.

I'm sorry and I eat mints (Fisherman's Friend - Strawberry and Lime is good, but they had Cranberry for a while ... dang ... and I'm all out of mints) and stuff. OK?!


Which is where the story falls apart for me; Because I now don't know what Character I supposedly am in this fiction. There's a couple of possibilities. Am I the ally of God that stands accused alongside HIM, am I the evil Antichrist who secretly plots ultimate damnation or am I just a crazy loser nobody who doesn't even have a leg to stand on?

I would have to go with the first option because that's the closest to reality ... "I presume" ... at which point it is however YOU that have some explaining to do. Unless You're kind of undecided about whether or not You're willing to accept their take on God ... because if God, THE GOD, were as bad as they would make HIM out to be ... yea ... not a comforting idea.
So it's easier to just go NUMB and ignore all of it and hope that doomsday won't be all that bad.


As for loser nobody, well. If You're reading this I suppose we can also cross that option off the list; And in a WHO's with God showdown I would clearly be the winner ... so, that option can get crossed off, leaving me with ... HEY! Awesome!

Finally!


You'll excuse me, I have to make the Trumpet sounds with my mouth (we're kind of low budget at this point) ... where I now declare THE Table to be in front of "my House" (Schoenbuehlstr. 70, 70188 Stuttgart, Germany) ... for the time being. There is no table just yet, I could provide one if need be, but I suppose someone will have to sponsor a better location.

First I would want my allies to present themselves to me as such, and from them I shall pick those that I acknowledge as such ... unless I shall stand alone and face the accusations. I mean, to be real ... I have no idea what to do.


Yea ... this ... did not go as I expected. Hmm ...
I need some time to think ...